I was thinking that I have so much to talk about and finally... I have an outlet for all the things I want to talk about and haven't... all these years. No... not those things that could hurt other people or things best left unsaid........ though, there are some who would ...like to know what they are. I don't try to hurt other people at all with things about me, my life.... but, if you 'recognize yourself'... what is that saying? I'll see if I can get this one right...... 'if the shoe fits... then, wear it'. I am left wondering.... did I say it right?
I was thinking how to describe how I feel wanting to write my thoughts and about so many things... at times I feel, overwhelmed. My thoughts are like a globe with its many countries, then...its many cities and many towns and..counties. My thoughts are like that... I'll never give out of things to say and ... I have alot to say.
Each day with its 24 hours is a new day bringing something different along with the old... life is always moving on, something new unfolding every minute, every second. No one is aware of it until it has actually happened..... unless they are 'in that story'.
Thoughts lead to new thoughts and new thoughts lead to ideas... there's always something to think about. My mind is constantly thinking no matter what I do. I'm always wondering this or wondering that, always thinking of how I can do this or do that, what can I create next, what to cook next, when to do this or when to do that. My mind is always so active and never... still.
I know everyone has to be like this and think all the time.. I can't imagine not doing that...not having a 'million' things inside to talk about, whether one talks about them or not. I'm not used to confiding what I think with anyone.. it's rare that I do. I share alot of my thoughts with Skip and after him.. I don't share them very often.
Our stories are our own and they are like pulling books from a bookcase... each has a .........story of its own. Sometimes when I look at people I think 'human books'..we each have a story to tell or sometimes... we can't tell. I have alot to tell and.... not tell. I have alot of thoughts that will be coming the rest of my life that I'll share... I ..don't know what they are yet... but, when it's time.. I will.
Anytime my stories touch another person... it'll be in the kindest way possible as my intent is to write about 'me' and 'my' life. If they aren't the very kindest then, as kind as I meant to be... that means it was 'much worse'... than I write here. My intent is not to 'go after someone or to mistreat someone' who has hurt or done something to me or to 'tell on someone'. I've 'let go' of people in my life who have harmed or hurt me a long time ago.... and the last one who hurt me alot... I 'let go' of her because her 'presence in my life' wasn't.... good.
It wasn't healthy for either her or I... and just because someone is related to you in some way.... doesn't mean it's 'good' for you. You have to let go so, you can be alright again. No one wants to have an open wound on their body all the time... you have to take steps to heal it. It's like that with people... let go, wish them well in your mind and never wish bad for them, and go on and live. Just because they are related somehow.. doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life.
My only regret is that I told her 'I hate you'...... and I did do that. It came from deep, deep anger of the things she did and said that were deceitful and dishonest after my son died. It came from her actions affecting the two people I love most in this world along with Skip.... my grandchildren. I won't keep on here as it doesn't change or help one thing... and there's more than I could even write here.. nor would I write ...more. 'Maybe' ... I don't regret what I said.... I'm not even close to being 'perfect'.... not at all.
Even 'good' people feel anger and hate from time to time in their lives... no matter if they want to ..or don't want to. This is how it is in this situation. In my mind I really do try not to 'hate' at all........ it's not healthy and it can only hurt one. I'm working on this.
'Just maybe'... I don't 'hate' as much as I told her but, 'wanted her to think that I did'. Either way now.. it doesn't matter... the words are said and they do harm... and they cause pain and they cause ...anger. I don't like to cause that to anyone else... in this situation... she did alot more to me than my last words to her .... did to her.
This person doesn't know that I wish and I do pray that all she does in this life will only be good for her and the ones who depend on her. I have never wished anything 'bad' toward her. I want to see her succeed in life in every aspect ... see her every action be only positive as it'll affect two people I love with my heart.. and I know she loves one of them with her very heart.
For now... I will watch Home Alone... that's a funny, happy movie and it's exciting to see the boy get the best of the crooks!