HELLO CHRISTMAS DAY... I FINALLY GOT HERE
Sunday, 25 December, 2011
I just opened the curtains to the world and I felt a smile in my heart. I've made it to this moment ... it's Christmas Day ... and I feel good inside. I'm even looking forward to Skip and I preparing the turkey and dressing and all the traditional things for our... Christmas Day meal later today.
I'm so glad to be right here... in this very moment... I made it! I'm going to be alright now. I am finally 'head-on' with Christmas Day... and I'm a winner now, I'm not going to be so sad today.. this must mean I'm getting just a little more... stronger.
The pain is there... but, I've faced it head-on and I 'wrote 500 times on the mental blackboard in my mind'.........the things that hurt me (Tommy is gone, he can't be back, it hurts... let's go forward... you have to, Skip and Kissy and Chadwick are 'here' for you). I kept repeating those words inside.... trying to take the power away.. to hurt me.
It's not as bad as I thought it would be though... like just now, I'm hearing a very powerful Christmas song in the background that swells my heart up with emotion and tears came to my eyes.... 'fall on your knees and hear the angels' voices'... the choir was singing. All I can tell myself is... life is going to be like that sometimes... let's go forward. Here I go....
I made coffee and got out the big, red coffee mugs for us to drink coffee from this morning. Skip is still in bed and so, are those spoiled pups. I got up earlier so, I could do something I've wanted to do so long... but, for some reason thought I ..couldn't. That's what I'm doing at this very moment... write.
I began November 2nd this year... and haven't stopped. I'm doing now, what I always wanted Skip and Jimmy to do.... write. I know that I'm not a 'true' writer.. I write from my very heart and in words that are only my own... not in the proper form one 'should' write in.
Skip CAN write beautifully and Jimmy is gone now... he died December 16th, last year. He could write beautifully, also. Now.. he can't, he's gone. Maybe.. Skip will be inspired to write... he enjoys reading what I write... and when I see a little smile on his face while reading.. I can't tell you how that makes me feel! I've 'touched' him in some way with what 'I had to say' while writing.
I hope my words can mean alot ..to other people. I know if I found words someone kept writing from their heart... those would be the words I would like to read. Maybe... just maybe... I could cause you to smile just a little bit or even better... make you laugh out loud... that would make me smile and laugh.
I know just lately I've been sad alot... but, I don't stay that way. Even happy people can feel so sad, sometimes. Guess what? It isn't even the 'end of the world'... no, not at all.
Now .... last year when Tommy died ... was a different 'ballgame'. It DID feel like the end of my world... and I won't lie to you.... it ALMOST was. So, I'm not going to sugar-coat anything because who knows.... someone at this very moment may be reading what I have written about losing their child... wouldn't I seem so 'flip'.. just simply saying 'it isn't even the end of the world' to them'?
I haven't found anything that I've read since Tommy's death to help me in any way... so, I quit looking. Maybe just my experience by telling it like it really has been can in some way make a little difference... somehow. It won't take their pain away... that's for sure... but, maybe 'knowing someone else has and is experiencing what they are also, experiencing in their life and is still 'going forward' from that experience'... can give them hope.
I will say this... a person reaches out as best as they can in that time of being the weakest.. for all the life-savers they can grasp hold of.. because myself.. I was AT the point of not wanting to even reach up anymore from the sea of grief I was floundering in.
No, I... WOULDN'T have reached up at all.... if you want to know the absolute truth....... if I hadn't heard Skip constantly 'in the distance' saying 'Baby Girl, are you alright' and he never stopped talking to me or 'being there'. Our pups were 'there'........... though I couldn't 'see' Skip and the Pups... they were 'there' and they kept 'pulling me back to ...here'.
I know they had a battle on their hands... I ALMOST couldn't ...hold on to them... my life-savers. Their voices and presence led me on that dark path... back to them once they lifted me from my sea of grief.
I crawled and I fought so hard to reach them through blinded eyes of tears and the weakness of my body, my soul, my heart. I've never fought so hard to come back to...life. I had died...inside. It hurts me now, to think about this.. my words in no way can describe what I came through... but, I promise I will keep on trying to tell it like it is... like it was... through time.
If you are going through something like this... don't quit... listen closely and follow your loved ones' voices when ...you can't see. They want you back... or they will have to experience what I'm experiencing and have experienced...you are experiencing or have experienced........... 'listen closely'... you don't have to see... just follow their life-saving voices and 'feel' them ...go forward to them. Even living.... we have to go forward to the light.
For now, it's time to begin Christmas Day in my life... Skip and those spoiled Pups are up now. I won't dwell now... on sadness, though there will be 'moments'.. and I'll just have to smile through my tears and 'know' everything's all right... this Christmas Day I'm with my loved ones... though one, two, three... are missing.... it's still going to be alright.
I'm going to do my part now... I'm going to help make it nice as possible... after all, as Barbara says.... (and I've always thought and said, also).......... Christmas IS a magical time. We all have to contribute to making it that... special. It's time for me to go and ... help make it wonderful today. How lucky I am to have my family... Skip and our Pups! Those spoiled pups........... :))))))