Wednesday, December 28, 2011



Wednesday, 28 December, 2011

I've been thinking all morning back to something I never dwell on, nor have since we began to get over the shock of our home burning down ... along with it the loss of many treasured things.

I wrote yesterday about some of the feelings involved in such a tragic happening and... of course, that evoked more memories. These memories that have surfaced and will soon be 'pushed back down' under the surface again......they aren't the nicest memories.

They show how there are people who can't wait to take something from the other... in their moment of weakness. I call them human vultures. I 'know' them .. I grew up with some whom were disguised as 'family' members.... some were 'friends'.

Most every day when I go out in the world... I see some of these human vultures. They are naturally like that and... truly the world needs them to clean up... messes and ... where death has struck. They are our natural ... vacuum cleaners. You see them.. on the sides of roads, out in fields, everywhere........ circling.

Human vultures hide and wait for their opportunity... they really don't want to be recognized for what they do best... take. I understand that... I think we all have alittle of 'human vulture' in us at times... we all like a little something 'free'. Usually, it amounts to no more than the taking of a magazine or a pen from a doctor's office.... I'm guilty of this, I bet you are, too. If not, you are a better person than I... and I'm honestly a good person.

The human vultures I'm speaking of... are the ones who flocked to where our home burned down... on that same evening. Some knew us and were 'friends'.... some didn't know us and while they were there out of curiosity, they'd stoop down to pick up some little 'something' and pocket it, never knowing 'we' were standing there and 'we' were the people this horrible thing was happening to.

I don't hold against anyone for what I saw... or learned from the people who were telling us what they saw people do... I know life is like that... really... you know, life is like that and we can't change that part of it. I would like to see people wait for a week or so, to give the owners a chance to hunt and savage whatever they can find of their belongings, whether it be a coin or something ..... more treasured.

If they must... only then go there to 'take' what they want at least a week later. Don't just take while they are there or just after they .. drive away.

Skip just came into the kitchen and asked me was I blogging, and I said 'yes'. I told him I was writing about vultures and angels.. and I saw him grin and he said 'they both have alot in common'. I asked him 'what?' Skip said 'they both can fly!' I just began to laugh... that Skip! He is so witty and quick on his feet. He is always saying 'the darnest things'. He really needs to be sitting here writing.. he says the most interesting things... and they are original.

That evening, each day thereafter... I would come to hunt in the cold weather, through all the charred remains of ...our life. I saw things half-burnt or scorched and sometimes, I would find a treasure!

I saw Taylor McKenzie's Christmas gifts lying on the ground ....out on the frozen ground. I stared through tears looking at them. They were half-burnt and all that 'pink' from the bed comforter and dolls we'd gotten her for Christmas, and hadn't had a chance to give her. I remember standing there and grieving over that... McKenzie's Christmas presents we'd taken so much time to choose for ... just her.

My hands were freezing from reaching and pulling and lifting to find just anything that survived the fire... tears falling from my eyes and that awful feeling in my stomach. I can..... not... describe in words such emotions that I was experiencing... those are feelings one can't describe... it's like a death in the family.

You've lost alot ... of your life, your family's life. Yes, I would compare it to losing a loved person. All you held dear and treasured and all you owned that was material in this world.. things that can never be replaced... they are all gone or damaged beyond repair.

Once.... in a great while... amazingly.. you find something that is untouched by the fire or water from the firemen's hoses. Things were encased in ice and had to be chipped out... it was so cold, I was so cold each time I would go there... because I was in a shock and never knew 'how long' I would be there... searching just for something to add back to my life to make it meaningful and real... again.

When I'd look at the time when I would leave there each day ...I would see that'd I'd been hunting and searching for several hours ... never aware of being there so long. Skip had made me promise never to go inside the gutted house when he wasn't with me. Skip, I did go inside and didn't realize it until... I looked around and remembered what you said. I stood alot of times and I just cried, and cried where no one could see or hear me. I always cry in... private.

I remember standing there looking at something... that I'd just learned about from the fire.... Skip made me aware of it because a fireman had told him to beware of it.... at all times. It was called a 'widow-maker'.

You may take heed, also, if you chance upon one while standing in a 'burnt-out' house. The widow-maker is the chimney still standing on the roof above the gutted room.... it's going to eventually 'cave in'... if someone is beneath it, they'll be killed or injured very badly.

Out in the yard, I'd search the piles of clothes and books.. I had many, many, many books.

I dearly love books, art books and cook books, gardening books, decorative painting books, airbrush painting books, crafting books, educational books. I had a library of books. I would find books that were black from the smoke that I would carry with me to clean up. The clothes were ruined from smoke and fire, and frozen.

I vaguely remember seeing Angie sitting on the ground savaging files that were in the file cabinet, and my dolls and lots of things. That was my memory of her sitting there... trying to help in her way. I loved Angie with my heart.... I still do, but... now, she doesn't know it.

Angie... you are special and don't even know it. You've not found yourself and self-worth... yet. I do love you though, I said I didn't. I haven't forgotten the good things I've known you to do through the years.. for others and for us. I never forget.

I've given alot of thought lately... to a person named Angie, that we know. She knows that for now... I hate her. She doesn't know that.... that's not so. I love her very much. I had to stop here ... and do as I always do... walk around memories and look at them, carefully. I'll let go of this memory.. for now, and get back to what I was telling you about.

I was pulling and tugging with frozen hands at something and I heard someone speak behind me. 'Put these on, Gloria'.... I turned to see who was speaking to me and saw Raymond holding a pair of men's soft, warm camoflage gloves... they looked new. I took them and gratefully put them on my hands... they were big, but... wonderful-big (yes, I know I used 2 adjectives together... it's okay because.. I talk that way!).

I'll never forget him doing that. I think maybe that was all he wanted to do... maybe, he'd seen me coming each day to dig without ...gloves on my hands. I don't know what people 'saw' when driving by there... I was in another world... right in front of the world on that corner in town.... on the main highway. 'Millions' of people probably saw a half-crazed woman just going around in circles there and thought it funny.... who knows? I never even thought about... what was someone thinking of me.. at that time.

I learned that when I left ...certain people would come behind me to search for things. I learned they would walk to their pickups, or cars.. and put little stacks of 'things' in them.. who knows what they took. Maybe.... someone took a music box from the collection of music boxes my mother gave me before she died... just maybe 'one' could have survived. Maybe... someone took a book that only I treasured in this world...just maybe.

How would I know.. I never had the chance to see our things.. they just picked up in front of 'God and everyone' and... took to their vehicles. They didn't hide what they were doing... excepting from me. Just maybe... they didn't care... maybe they thought they were helping by taking things off.... after-all... vultures do clean up... messes... even the death of someone's life-things, as well as carcasses.

They came each day, each evening .... not just one time... they waited to come back and ... keep picking and picking... and picking.

Angels... oh my goodness, the Angels who came to us to help us. I can't even tell you how many angels came into our lives at that time. They kept us from crashing to the ground and we were so fortunate to go straight from the motel with our 4 dogs into a home where we lived for 6 years.... 'up on the little mountain'.. that we called 'Fairchild's Mountain'... after our big, spoiled Rottweiler.... Mr. Fairchild. He is gone now.. gone just as so many loved pets ... so many loved people... so much in our life has gone... gone and ... we never forget them.

The people who came quietly into our life, each giving to us in money and in 'home' things... kept us from knowing hardship. How so fortunate we were.. how so thankful our hearts were. In that awful shock.... not being able to think straight... these 'quiet' people helped us. Thank-you... Angels. Many we knew, and so many we didn't know........ thank-you for touching our lives in such a meaningful, good way... from my heart.

I've taken 'these memories' out to examine and to walk around them to think about 'why' did the people come to take our things while we had our moment of weakness.

They were grabbing every chance they could when our backs were turned. They never stopped to 'help us gather anything that wasn't ruint'.......... they 'waited'... sitting off in a distance watching... circling in the sky watching... and going in 'for the kill' moments after we drove away.

Do you know what? I never knew people did that. I've never-even heard tell of people who did that. Isn't it amazing?

I've tried to give the benefit of the doubt 'in my mind' these people-vultures. I've thought 'okay, maybe they are just innocent treasure-seekers'... hoping to find something of value, you know... just something that's special and good, and has made it through the fire!

Maybe... they just want to help 'clean up' in ... their own way and you know how sometimes people can help others but, don't have to let everyone know that 'they did such a wonderful, good thing'... they didn't have to have those pats on the back, so to speak. Therefore... that's 'why' they waited... for us to drive off... so, they could.... help clean up the mess.

I just asked Skip to listen to what I have written here. He stood there and said 'I've never thought about it.. they did stoop to pick up things in front of us and keep them.. they were stealing in front of us'. We have never really discussed this since the fire and if we did ... one doesn't always remember everything when they are in that world of 'numbing shock'.

I think it's time to put these memories 'back up'.... maybe ... just maybe......... they were innocent treasure-seekers and didn't mean to do bad.

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