I'M NOT QUITE THERE... YET
Friday, 23 December, 2011
I've been trying to be happy ...succeeding alot of the time but, not the rest of the time. I think I'm doing good and .. then, I feel like crying.
I feel anger and grief all at once. I miss my son... I miss you, Tommy. I feel sort of angry... maybe alot angry that you are gone.
Of course... I can't change a thing... you can't come back and I could cry myself to death.. and you still aren't coming back.
I want to strike out at something... hit something, scream, weep, sob but, I don't. I do find myself slamming cabinet doors or a door. I stop when I realize what I'm doing.
It's Christmas... and it's not the happiest Christmas. We've been stressed out over finances and for the first time... we haven't bought gifts. But, then again... we don't have family to buy gifts for now. We half-heartedly sent out Christmas cards.... I'm ashamed to say this year 'I don't care'. I feel anger when I say that.
Then again.... I find myself smiling and 'inside' ... I know everything is going to be alright. I know that... but, 'why?'................ why? do I keep going on this roller-coaster ride?
Why do I feel anger one minute and wanting to cry the next minute? I tell myself that I've lost my child and that's 'why'. It seems like I could be so strong now... and not go through all these emotions. I feel ashamed that I do, my mind screams out at this very second that I loved my son and I don't want him to be gone... and he is. I'm mad, I'm angry.
After I sit here for a little while thinking ... I 'know' everything is going to be alright... I know that. I don't feel mad anymore.. I just feel.......... sad. Now... I can smile because I have to... to go forward and not stay here and be in the past. I know how important that is. This is how 'strength' is gained... going forward from all the 'bad' things in your life... and not staying in the past.
Staying in the past only prolongs grief and pain... going forward strengthens one for the 'next' ... battle ahead in life. I'm sorry to say that I 'fall down' alot to only keep getting back up.
I will keep getting back up and keep getting stronger and stronger. I will do that... I'm determined. Sometimes, I think I've reached the point where I'm going to be just fine... only to find that... I'm not quite there yet.... as much as I wish to be. I won't give up.