Thursday, December 8, 2011

Learning At Grandma Alma and George's House.....

Living at Grandma Alma and George's there was no one to talk to about changes in my body as I reached puberty.  I had no idea of how or what about myself.  The experience I had with my first bra... I hope no other young girl will have to go through.  It's embarassing and .........
humiliating to a child.

One day all of a sudden... here comes the gang made up of aunts and cousins... to get me!
They said it's about time I wear a bra and they were going to put it on me... of course, my first instinct was to run from them just as when they'd chase me to have that Black Draft poured into me!

They tackled me and took me to my aunt's bedroom (the bedroom where the lightening would roll out from into the living room).  There they took my blouse off and put the bra on me without explaining why or anything.  I was told what I needed and that was that.  They took care of business.  It took some time to get used to that bra and I .. didn't even understand what it was for.. so naive. 

Everything I learned 'there' was always in a harsh way.  When it came to that first time of the month... a box was thrown to me and I was told to use them because I was having my first 'period'.  No one explained anything to me and I didn't want to ever ask anyone... I didn't feel I could.  I think if things had been done in a gentler way, a kinder way... all would have been much better for me.

So... it took so much time to learn on my own about everything.  I would listen and watch everyone and began thinking and deciding how I would be as I 'grew up'. It took years 
to learn so much on my own and to become 'aware' of things and 'open my eyes' to know things I was so naive about.  Young girls of today are already very knowledgeable about 'everything'... and are prepared to grow up and never have to learn the hard way as I did.  It would have saved years of not asking, but learning my way.  Thankfully, I loved to read to learn.... I learned many things that made me say 'oh!  I didn't know that!'  I would be so happy to find answers to my questions.  As I connected the Dots.... I learned. 

 At Grandma and George's ... life was so harsh and so.. hard.  The only comfort I found was the love they had for me and when we would go to bed at night... we'd talk and I'd prop my feet up on Grandma's wall as I lay in bed.

In the bedroom there ..there was two full-sized beds.  The bedroom opened from 'The Arena', Grandma and George's sitting room... when you entered ...George's bed was on the right and Grandma's bed was on the left (when I lived there).  They had a wardrobe in there with Grandma's dresses in it and some drawers where they kept the paragoric hidden.  It seemed they had a chest, also, and a dresser in there. 

When I'd get into Grandma's bed I would be next to the wall ... and I would sneak my legs from out of the bedcovers to prop them on the wall.  For some reason this would irritate her and she'd... reach with her good hand and pinch me so hard telling me to put my feet back under the cover.  That really hurt... alot.  I'm so, so sorry for what I did once when she did that... she pinched me so hard that I just reached back... and pinched her!  All of these years I have regretted doing that and I told her I was sorry.  I've never forgotten how mean that was of me to do that.  I loved her dearly and I loved George in the same way... they were my only ones to save me from the world at that young age. I've always been so sorry through time over this one thing. 

They did their best but, they couldn't be out and around to see..... what went on ...just beyond their vision and hearing.  The neighbors saw and.. they heard....someone was always cussing, fussing or fighting or black-mailing... always. was no place for a child... boy or girl.

My grades were low while living there and I passed without studying... I never had a place to study... no one taught me how to study properly.  When I ran away later to live at my father's home.... I studied and I made straight A's... I would sit in the bedroom and study so, as not to get in anyone's way.  I was smart but, no one would compliment anything I did to let me know I was doing something right.  I was always... threatened. 

Truthfully... I can't imagine doing a young child that way.. I really can't.  When I sit and write about these things... I'm not feeling bad about them now... I learned to get past these things many years ago.  There are a 'few' things though, I'll never get past and I'll carry to my grave.... nor will I speak of them. 

These days .... people would frown deeply on a child living in conditions like I was as a child.  I'm not the only child who experienced such there, either.  But.... I was the one they would angrily say 'you look like your daddy' and .. it made it easier for someone to slap me in the face... they didn't like my daddy.  I was there when things didn't go right and I was.... convenient.  I loved everyone but, I never was sure anyone loved me back.

I can honestly say I have learned the hard way... and it made me strong... in fact, much stronger than even I knew.  I'm glad now... since it has already happened and I can't change it.

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