Thursday, December 22, 2011



December 22, 2011

I'm sitting here at my computer looking at the picture on our the new bigscreen tv that Skip and I got for ourselves ..our Christmas gift to 'us'. The picture is so crystal-clear and I'm watching River Monsters and it's like I'm almost there. The water in streams look like you could reach out with your hand and actually 'feel' water.

My eyes move to the storm door and as I look outside I see just the grayness of the day and the tall pine trees across the road and the home behind them. My eyes move back to corner of the living room where I see the ficus tree glowing with its clear lights. It warms me inside to look at it.

Then... my eyes focus on the monitor to my computer and I see... the reflection of the colored lights on our little Christmas tree. How comforting to see the lights all around me. Especially 'now'... especially 'now.

Last year when Christmas came ... I was still in a protective shell of ... shock. This year I am not in shock and now... I face my loss without anything to buffer the pain.

Holidays and knowing I'm not going to see Tommy again... make me cry inside. I'm careful not to do it in front of anyone... and especially Skip. It hurts him very much as he loved Tommy.. and when I cry... it seems to just devastate him.

I look at this little Christmas tree with its colored lights and simple decoration.... it's not what we are used to having at Christmas. When we moved in February this year... I gave our big, beautiful 7 foot tree away and all the beautiful decorations I'd made and collected, along with it.

I wasn't thinking about other Christmases and I wasn't even entertaining the idea of .... having another tree. Tommy's gone and now... there are 2 broken links that are my grandchildren... they aren't here for us to enjoy seeing grow up.

Christmas is about family and now.. they are gone... just that quick. So now... I look around me and I see our Pups... Kissy and Chadwick... they're outside wanting attention from Skip. Skip and our friend and neighbor are walking and talking..... I look back inside our home ... my eyes are drawn to the ..little Christmas tree.

I just sit here and I look at that little Christmas tree we almost didn't get for the holidays... and I think how special it is, especially on such a gloomy day as this. Especially at a time we are worried about finances and paying bills and putting food on the table.

I think as I look 'deep' into the tree to really see each little colored light about how thankful I am for my family... I have here. My family... Skip and the Pups.. I am so fortunate... some people don't have anyone at all. I don't see gifts under our tree this year.. but, I sit here and 'know' ... it's the gift of loved ones that we all are so fortunate to have... because when one goes... it just completely tears one's heart to pieces.

I think I'm so depressed at this moment... I have cried this evening for my son.. I miss him with my heart. I miss Taban and wish to see McKenzie.

I'm not the best person to be around at this moment. I recognize what is depressing me and ... so, that's a 'good' thing. I need to strengthen my back up now.. easier said than done... I'm thankful for my family that's 'here'... Skip and the Pups. They comfort me and make me not alone in this world... I still hurt inside and miss my child. Oh, little Christmas tree... please, please................ just please comfort me

1 comment:

  1. Oh my friend!! It saddens me to know that you are sad. I pray that the Lord will bring you through the holidays with peace of mind and ease your heart pain. Love, Ms. Nancy