One evening Mary Ruth and Peggy and Sharon were gone and I was staying in the bedroom in fear of my father seeing me and seeing his expressions he had just for me. I just couldn't bear it. Well ..that evening and truthfully this is the way I remember this because it's another time I have blocks in my mind and I'm
peeping around it now.. so, I can tell about it. I know more was said but, I only remember some words. I can see my father sitting on the front porch of the log house we lived in and he must have called me outside so, he could speak to me. My dad loved Budweiser beer and had been drinking one... maybe that beer gave him courage to take that opportunity to speak to me while they were all gone. Anyway... my dad asked me to come there and he patted his knee for me to sit on it (the funny thing is that I almost felt hysterical.. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.... because I just knew I was a million pounds and I would break his leg and.... I felt I was too big to be sitting on my father's knee.... I just didn't know how little I really was). I was afraid to not sit there and I sat there very carefully and he began to talk to me about my mother and how he loved her to that day and he'd always love her but, she loved men, he even said my mother loved men and used 'that word', and it hurt me deeply... he told me that he didn't want me to grow up to be a whore. It was that word again! This time I was a little older and I knew at least some of what it meant. My daddy said 'I love you, Gloria Faye, just always know that'. I may have said I love you too... I have a block and I do remember wanting to get up and go. You see, my dad came to see my mother through the years and no one ever knew but, I did. My dad died on my mother's birthday many years later... I thought that interesting.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)