PAIN IN MY VERY SOUL... Lena in Sweden
30 December, 2011
I went to sleep last night thinking about my systervan, Lena. She died this past summer leaving her memory with us all. I will never forget her.. never.
Last night her brother, Per, shared with me their family photos like he's always done through the past 12 years. I was hoping to see photos of Lena as I looked at all the photos.
You wouldn't believe the talent in the taking of each picture... he and his family... take turns taking photos. They travel to the most interesting countries, including the United States.
Their photos are so rich in the colors that they capture along with each of them in the photos. I've seen photos, one standing out in particular, of some of the very same things I've seen here in the United States. That photo was taken at the Golden Gate Bridge that spans the San Francisco Bay.
This photo I am speaking about is .... stunning. It's taken of the Golden Gate Bridge at an angle I'd never seen. It's like walking around something and to stop all of a sudden.. to look closer... because here is something new to look at, to think about! He did just that... with the famous Golden Gate Bridge... he took the most stunning, beautiful photo that affected me so much.. it was so different, and a fresh way to look at that bridge. I would dearly love to have a photo like that, framed and on my wall. It was 'that' special!
Per is an amazing photographer. His whole family is just as amazing when taking photos. They are a real family... and you know how I treasure 'real families'... they are like my favorite jewelry... jewelry that 'last forever'........ diamonds and gold.
I looked at the photos through each year just like I've always done when he sends me the link to their precious family photos. I looked back to see Lena... Lena when she was so healthy and vibrant... so strong.
It was wonderful to see her in the photos... I have many photos, also. She and I shared so many things, always mailing things back and forwards... Sweden to the USA..... USA to Sweden. It was very expensive and we would wait until we had the extra money to do that ..instead of going shopping for something else.
I discovered several photos I never got to see during the time Lena became so ill. When I saw them... tears immediately began coming from my eyes making it difficult for me to look.. closely.
Lena, how beautiful you were, though you were so sick. I saw you sitting there with your pink jacket on covering your head, then.. I saw you without your hood covering your head... you were smiling so brightly, though you were so sick. I saw something that you never complained about while taking chemotherapy.... you had lost all of your beautiful hair. It didn't make you less beautiful... there was a glow about you... making the photo of you 'shine' in the most special way.
I saw golden light and pink and the softest colors about you, Lena... pastel colors of the most special, and softest of colors. These are colors that reflect what a good soul you had, and the big heart you had. You reflected inner beauty, though you were so sick. My precious systervan, how I miss you.
How I personally know so much of what you were experiencing... I may talk about this... yet.
I was so happy to see my old friend, my systervan.... the face I knew so well... my Lena Doll reflects 'you', Lena. It was made by your hands when I was so sick in 1999... you sent a part of you that reflects on my Lena Doll's face. She looks alot like you.
I went to bed after sitting for over an hour looking at this treasure chest of photos, drinking in the colors with my eyes and appreciating the beauty of places in other countries that Per and his family are always traveling to... places outside the USA that I 'know' I'll never get to go to at this late time and day.
My consolation is that for years I got to travel 'everywhere' over and over... in my country... the USA, both on private vehicle and for years on a big, comfortable tractor-trailer (the inside like a big motorhome).
I always enjoy their family photos... so wonderful to share all that with your children from the time they are small until like now.... they are almost 'grown-up'. What a rich experience to share with one's children... they'll never be afraid to go anywhere, they have so much knowledge in their young minds. Per and Eva are grooming their children to grow up ... knowing what they want in life and knowing their dreams can come true... knowing their father and mother love them. How special, how so very special. I never knew there was such a thing when I was.. a little girl.
I laid in bed thinking until I fell asleep... about the wonderful photos, the photos of Lena. I felt this emotion inside so strongly... you know.. it's when you miss someone who meant the world in your life.. your special friend who was always 'there'... who knew more about you and your real feelings, likes and dislikes than anyone else in the world, excepting your husband and children.
It hurts so badly... this special person just like my son... can't ever be replaced... no one can take 'their' place in your heart. They are there ...permanently. They were a real part of your life's fabric, your colors.... even 'torn away'.......... you know they are missing.
I woke up this morning with Lena on my mind... seeing in my mind's eye the photos of her looking up from her chair to look at Elin's smiling face..... and the 'glow' that reflected from her. I felt this strange feeling that goes deeper than my words can express... I know it's to my soul, my very soul... it just keeps stretching and all at the same time... it hurts in the softest way bringing tears to my eyes.
I miss you, Lena. I miss you with my very heart. You meant the world to me. It does hurt to my very .... soul.
Thank-you, Per, from my Heart. I'm glad I got to share your wonderful photos ....like always. It means the world to me.