Saturday, January 14, 2012



I invited alot of family members to be 'Friends' on my Facebook Page yesterday and was really glad to see them here... today.

One cousin wanted to know why I deleted her some time ago... and I had to give that thought last night when I went to bed. I wanted to answer her in all honesty, but, I didn't want to offend her. I have nothing to gain by hurting others and... I know I'm someone who will think about things if someone tells me something, and appreciate and respect what someone thinks.

I decided after long thought to be totally honest with her... and I told her in my email which is below. She didn't get offended but, she needed to ask me a couple of questions to clarify several things. She also, told me she was a good person... I know she is.

She's not only a beautiful young woman... but, she showed me her heart. I saw and I listened and I sensed... there's so much more past her prettiness.... she is a mirror of 'me' as a young woman. I heard what she said to me and it gave me new respect for her... she really is a real person to me I felt something else about her... she has all the good qualities of her mother.

It goes to show that if you 'never open a book to read long enough to get an understanding of the story the book is trying to tell'...............and just judge it by its cover..... you'll never know what it's about. I 'opened the book and I let her turn her pages' for me today... when we talked online. I sat in amazement... it was like talking to myself many years ago. I saw and felt alittle of her pain from 'years ago'.

Instead of keeping her at a distance... I let her come close enough to me so, that I 'had to see her' as a person. I didn't want to because, I might could like her. She made my heart.... smile. How special is that? She made my heart smile........

She wanted to know 'why' I deleted her as Friend on Facebook back when I was going through the grieving period over the loss of my son, Tommy.

I understand her reaction well... she had a right to ask me 'why' I deleted her sometime ago. That was 'why' I deleted a lot of 'family' members... they wanted to 'see my life'.... and not share anything about theirs. It was like they just sat and stared at me and not speak... it felt just like that and each day in the frame of mind (grieving) I was in ... I felt I couldn't bear my family members being there watching my suffering and not speaking to me... I had let them in my space. Why didn't anyone speak to me? There were several who did and it did mean the world.

Everyday... their profile photos, all their comments, their life played out on 'MY' Facebook page...... I 'had invited them there'............ no one ever spoke to me. Some never spoke at all... they just sat there 'looking'. It began to bother me... alot. This happened when my son died... someone told me 'I needed my family support'....... I can laugh about this now, and really it's okay. I let my pride down to invite them to be my 'friends'.... I didn't ask them to come back and be my 'family'.... again. I just asked them to be a........... friend.

Most of them didn't do that... they just wanted to sit there on 'my path' in life and watch me one reached out, excepting... a very few of my family members who seemed to care. I could 'see' no other purpose of 'why' they wanted to be there on my FB page. One day I was in such pain 'inside' and during that time, I just sat crying ... and deleting one by one. Honestly... at this moment I look back at that time... I was in a 'bad way', grief consumed me.. I can't remember the actual 'deleting'.. but, I know that I did.

Maybe in some twisted way.. we all wanted at least... some kind of connection? At least... something? I used to be guilty of that, so... maybe that was it. I used to love each and everyone of these people... I 'knew' them each at one point or other in my life. I was honored that 'they' accepted my friend requests.

They didn't know... it was an honor, also............ for me to have invited them in 'my' life. It took alot for me to move my pride to the side.... to ask 'them'.

They never saw how much I loved and cared about them and 'at that time in my life'... I really needed friends. The FB friends I'd just made when Tommy was living.. were some of his friends, too. They were 'always there' for me all of this time... and still there. I took my time reading and selecting the rest of my friends. I treasure all of them.

Guess what? I so understand with my... very heart. I know each of these 'family' members, I understand perfectly. I don't feel angry toward them because... I have been that way. How can I feel 'bad toward them'?

They have every right to feel that way.... do you know 'why'? Because ...each of them grew up with their own 'hell' just as I did... it helped to shape each one of us... alot of us lived our very young lives in that......... 'house that guards hell.. it sits right over the portal... to hell'. I 'know hell is under that house... once as a child I crawled under it... I saw a white scorpion ... on guard.

It scarred every child in some way living there.... you might not 'see' it... those scars are there, nevertheless. I do 'see and know where'.... to find them. Even the ones who didn't live there.. had their own scars... no one escaped.

I also, carry the same scars... we were all 'cut and torn apart'..... in the same places. Yes, I understand my family. Yes, I do love them... in all seriousness. I love them so much... that I have to love at a distance. I would never hurt them... I know how pain feels. It really does hurt just so badly.

At my distance I can love.... I can't let anyone get 'too close'... I can become too overwhelmed. I feel I have enough space to love at a distance.

I have a feeling we are all ...mostly... the same way. We were taught these things as children... it's like how when I open the refrigerator .... I can't see the milk because it isn't for me. I was taught that as a child... I went on to always be like that...... no matter that I can simply put my hand out and lift the milk off the glass shelf. I could even drink all I want of it. In fact, Skip buys plenty of milk.... hoping one day I'll begin to drink it. I really ...try to... but, through the years I .. forget to. My grandma needed that milk and I never drank it.... but... Linda did!!!

:)))))))))) Linda said : I DRANK THAT MILK!

I smile when I hear her say that in my mind. She said it not long ago ..after all these years. George always wondered 'who'...... truthfully, when I knew that I wasn't drinking grandma's milk, I never worried about it... I knew I didn't.


  1. I can't imagine anyone wanting to watch someone suffer like that. Personally I wanted to hug you and make your pain go away. I did give you a hug but I never figured out how to make your pain go away.-----I don't like milk myself---not by itself anyway. I do use it in cereal and coffee. That is it for me with milk! Love, Ms. Nancy

  2. A lot of your relatives have tried to be your friend, but you were isolating yourself from the world. My sisters just respected your privacy and did not pursue the friendship like I did. You will never get rid of me. I did drink the milk, it tasted good and I was always hungry as a child. I knew better than to put myself in the line of fire as a child.