Saturday, January 21, 2012





Oh, how special you are, how wonderful you seem! I'm so glad to have found you! Tears in my eyes from the love I feel for you! I'm here for you! What a wonderful 'family' member you ...are. Oh, how I love you! I'm so glad you are 'my family member', you'll always be there for me, me for you!!!'

Patterns of same-old, same-old. I come from a 'family' who when they meet a new family member, one they never knew well at all, or at all... they instantly feel the very things I wrote above. They see in that 'family' member what..... strangers see and appreciate, and like... about that particular 'family' member. The sad thing is.. they can't be friends or communicate after several days... the honeymoon is over.

When one 'family' member meets another 'family' member they instantly like each other as people and want so much to be 'real' friends. They see how other people look at each of us... and they like what they see.... until several days go by.

The 'family' members begin to see themselves in the other... it's like a mirror sometimes. They also, begin to experience something I'll call the 'family curse'... I've really heard it called something else ... but, family curse it is, also.

When we 'see' too deeply ourselves in the other and we 'know' them... it ends any feelings one may have... we 'see and know' each other too well... even if we don't know each other. Strange it is, but, true. We 'know' each other but, we don't at all... how could we... if we've never met.

Truthfully... I'm no exception. I'm old enough to know better but, there's always that hope that one 'family' member can 'get past that invisible wall' that we are all born with... to truly love, care and hold a lasting relationship for a lifetime with. It's not meant to be.

Over the years I've watched relationships bud with 'family' members, myself included. They last no more than several days when.... they drift quickly away like clouds do in the sky, when it's very windy. No one can ever 'connect' permanently.

As quickly as love is felt, suspicions and hate begin to naturally surface. It's there 'before' us... it's like DNA.. we are born with natural hate, anger and suspicion already in us. One can watch our older generation, then... watch their children... then, their children... it is the 'same-old, same-old'.

It never changes, only the faces, the 'family' members. I know because I also, have that natural hate, anger and suspicion in me... I've had to work on it all these years. We can't help it. Thinking about this... I don't think Tommy was like us in that respect... he wasn't ... female.

As quickly as happiness comes at finding someone 'who is a part of you, your blood'..... it goes away. Questions begin to be asked.... what do they want from me? I wonder 'why' they like me? I know they can't like 'me', so, they must want something. Suspicion, and then, imagination begins to work in our minds... hate surfaces. We have imagined, or truly sensed ...deception, dishonesty, betrayal.. feelings such as this in 'the other'.

We naturally begin to hate, and never go any farther in a relationship with 'family' members. All these things that naturally came to our minds.... are now true... because we thought them, didn't we? 'No one in our 'family' can possibly be a good person'... there's no 'can they?'... we know in our minds that.. they can't be.

We each are doomed once our minds begin to think about the happiness of finding a 'family' member who seems to have alot in common with us.... our minds drop an atomic bomb ..right down on that happiness, forever destroying it. There's never a second chance... the opportunity is forever gone. All that's left is scorn, hate, dislike because we didn't like what we saw in the 'mirror'.

Over the years ... I've studied this by watching my grandmother's generation, my mother's generation, my generation, and our children's generation...... there is a pattern, the same-old, same-old.

I can almost time it to the minute, the day of 'how long' a new relationship will continue. I smile every time.... it can't be helped. It's in each of us. Just as the blood that runs in our veins... it's in us.

I'm no exception... though, I'd like to think I was. I carry those same-old, same-old feelings in me every day of my life... but... I am always battling to see the good in everything.

But, like 'family'.... I also, wonder 'why' when a 'family' member reaches out to me... to stay in contact just long enough to find out 'there's nothing in it' for them. Sadly, in my mind... that's what 'family' is... 'what is there in it for me?'

I can't include some family members... they do just like I do... they stay to themselves ... not wanting to get caught up in 'family' drama with other 'family' members.

'Family'...when they decide they don't like the other will surely 'stir something up' with little snide comments, little giggles and their little expressions of .. 'I told them!' The 'family' I come from are natural-born hellraisers.. they love to stir up things and hurt others. They watch soap-operas, too. They live them.

No one ever walks away graciously with a kind word and wish that 'it could have been so'... 'family' wants to hurt and crush another if they don't like them.

They don't know that they are transparent... they do just like the generation before them... one can predict them. They think they are so different... I laugh.. because there's no difference excepting for the people.

Our 'family' has something that one could call a superiority complex... thinking they above everyone else are more intelligent, brighter, sexier, (my 'family' is mostly female.. females hate each other naturally) ...better than anyone else.

Some think everyone has to look up to them because they are the prettiest, cutest, and 'so smart', and of course 'so different'. They fool themselves... why the rest are like them... they just have to have someone to follow, someone to be the 'mouthpiece' for them. I 'see' this on both sides of my 'family'.

They 'gang up' together in groups of 'females' to try to squash their opponent by making fun, saying snide things hoping it'll hurt that person... it makes them angry when they don't affect that person. This is another same-old game... their mothers and grandmothers played before they were born. My mother played them, just as well, so... have I, in the past... many years ago. It's sad, but, it was true at one time.

One can always 'know' when it's happening... I 'see' the games they begin to play. We are all like black widow spiders when we play games... we have to 'kill and destroy' our... prey.

I'm not like a black widow spider.... though, I learned to be as a child... I can be one, only if needed. I don't feel good being 'bad'. I don't feel good about 'family', either. I do 'know them, each of them'...... we all have a bond.. a bond of hate, dislike, and suspicious nature. I could no more be close to anyone of them than, I can fly to the moon. I can only wish good things for each of them... and continue with 'my' life.

I have reached out... and slowly... I un-reach as I take each one back out of my life. I really wished for a 'real' family. I know in my life, there's honestly no such thing.

I can smile.... because I can't possibly miss... what I've never known. But... I did wish... isn't that really so silly... and immature as an older person... to wish for such?

I have two words now.. and as time goes by... to sever ties.... those words are.... 'I'm through'. Never will I ever reach out again... I found out 'why' no one ever spoke.... it dawned on me... I'm no better... I never spoke.... I had nothing to say. Even as good as I try to be.... I'm no better. I have nothing to say.

I think with relief... I'm glad that invisible wall is there... it protects me and even 'family'.... in the way it protects our feelings, our hearts so, that no pain is felt. Thank-God for my invisible wall, never have I been so grateful for it.


  1. I know our families were different but you were the best friend that was like a sister. As you know, I was an only girl. How I wanted you to stay forever! At that time I didn't know the "hell raising" that went on next door. You seem like family and I love you like family too! Love, Ms. Nancy

  2. I hope you are not referring to me. Ha,ha, linda

  3. Linda, you are so funny! I love you and you have to read past posts to see how I defined 'family'. Love, Gloria