Tuesday, January 3, 2012



January 03, 2012

I was sitting here thinking about words, beautiful and wonderful words. I've always loved words though, I don't always speak 'proper' English. I don't use alot of words I know around people that don't understand them... why would I? I have no reason to think I'm so smart (and God knows I'm not) and I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. I used to.....

It doesn't matter... I love words regardless. I love the words I know and I love the words I don't know. I can paint with words just as I can paint with my many little bottles of acryllic paints, or my many magic markers of colors, or my many pencils of color, or........ I can go on. I love colors and I love... words.

To meet me 'now'...... at this age in life... you'd never have any idea that I'd ever been beautiful... yes, I really was... and I knew it. People liked and looked up to me when I was beautiful .. I could talk beautiful, too. I could 'charm the birds out of the trees'. I was colorful in a soft and elegant way, my words were soft and delicately-colored. This was when I was 'perfect'... I colored everything I did in 'perfect colors', even my voice.

I am sitting here laughing... because (please forgive the 'ugly' word)..... 'who in the hell did I think I was?' I'll never forget those days for years of how miserable I was.... because I could never relax!

If I decided I wanted to go to the store... I had to make sure I put on my makeup, and not have one little hair out of place, and I had my most beautiful clothes on (no telling who I'd meet going all the way to the store!), and my prettiest high heels.

I will admit this... I was beautiful and I... loved me. At that time ... I was the most 'perfect canvas' for myself... I loved to 'paint colors on me'. My world was 'ME'... I pure loved 'Me'. Everybody 'loved 'Me', especially ....men, and I thought at that time... my 'best friend'.

I know this sounds awful.. but, really you would have to look back to my childhood to understand me and 'why' so many things in my life. Little by little I will reveal 'Me' through time. The people who have always been curious, jealous, hating, or loving me... will come to have a better understanding of 'why' I am like I am... I never gave anyone a chance to get close to me.. when I did... they used me.

When I say they used me... I mean the few females I ever allowed to be my 'best friends'. I laugh at the word 'best friend' because truly, I personally don't believe in them.

I think you can have a 'best of best friend'.... and keep that 'space' for a 'best friend' always 'open'. That way you have space enough for them not to know all of your 'layers'... you keep a big part of yourself.... 'private'.

You know how females are... they love to keep on digging to get closer to what they want.... your life, your clothes, your husband... everything. I know.. I lived in the world of the most beautiful, and treacheous females who would do what they had to .... to get what they wanted.... and get it.. they did. Beautiful can get ... alot.

Once you give your power of 'you' over to a female... you've given them permission to be an authority over your life, choose what secrets they want to tell, plus... mixing in alittle of what they 'think'.. to slowly destroy you...................................... all the while they are covering (there's that word again... we are always covering something up!).... they are using you as a.... cover to do the things they shouldn't, and eventually you take the blame for... or at least 'you will be held as the cause of it'.

I remember a time I did have a 'for-real' best friend... this female is the one who completely broke me from having 'best friends'. I truly loved her with my very heart. Her name was Monnie (not her real name, she will be reading this one day!)..... and I thought she was the most special person. She could do no wrong... and what happened only showed me that as 'perfect' as I thought she was... oh my goodness... that girl could do some 'wrong!' Bad-wrong (see, I do my words the way that is 'me'!).

She was a flamboyant bird in my mind and I loved her elegant taste in her home, her clothes and everything. She had very expensive taste.... oh, so did I! I could afford it at that time and she couldn't.... but, as 'vain and perfect as I thought I was'.... I shared everything.... I had a good heart.. I was a nice-beautiful (yes, 'nice-beautiful'!) When I love... I love with the purest of heart completing accepting someone I love... as my 'closest everything'. When I did that with her.... it was like giving the key to her to rob me.

Behind my back she tried to turn my mother against me, planting little things about me in my mother's mind over time... but, Monnie, you didn't succeed. You tried to make my friends be only your friends.... they came to me to.. warn me.

She wanted my clothes, my money, my car and everything. I traveled, she didn't. She was 'pure jealous'.... and hid it with a sweet, special smile .... her 'Monnie smile' that would melt anyone's heart.

She really 'loved me' and she said it so many times... I was so young, so immature and so starved for someone to for-real .... look up to 'me'............love 'me'............. think of 'me' as somebody.

I never told anyone these things but, I wished desperately for them. I got all I wanted, too, from both men and women.... when I was 'beautiful and perfect'.

Monnie made me think she cared about me so much... that I made her my 'best friend'.... I'm laughing now, yes... at this very moment in my life.

How could I have been so 'perfect' and dumb at the same time? How could I have ever... ever ... ever let a 'female' get that close to me when I'd escaped the world of being ruled by 'ruthless-ass women' who'd mistreated me so much as a child? I'll tell you exactly 'why'........................

Because .... she fooled my 'a__!' That's 'why'. Just like my wonderful 'family of strong, beautiful women'......... Monnie could smile and pretend just as good as they could (she should have been one of my 'family' members!).

That Monnie was good! I remember loving the ground she walked on.... Monnie was 'perfect' for my best friend. Truthfully... one doesn't need an enemy if they'd had a best friend like ...Monnie. Monnie could take care of both... jobs.

Anyway..... I will say I did something that I had to do... I 'used one of those tricks of my strong, and beautiful 'family' members that would give me........... power. 'Power to hurt back'..........in the worst way.. to disable and cripple Monnie emotionally and to destroy her life...her marriage to a man who loved her so..

See.. women are naturally like that.... don't sit there and pretend you aren't.... you might not be like that now, but.... at one time or other in your life... and you are female... yes, you have.

Women are always constantly digging.... digging softer so, no one will 'hear' them.. digging harder because they don't care who knows... for anything to give them power over others... whether it be men..or women... but, especially.. over other women.

They are always asking little 'innocent' questions 'over time' ...all the while 'building a picture of the other woman'... and 'seeking the weakness in that woman'... so, if 'they ever need that power'... they'll have it filed back ..in the mental filing cabinet of their minds.

Afterall... we are the 'Mothers of the World'... sometimes.................in more ways than others. I realize that sounds 'ugly'......... but, you know... life can be like that. It's a very real thing.... think about it.

Even 'good' people will try to find out someone's weakness so, if they ever ....need power... they can use it.

You watch tv and see all the candidates trying to constantly destroy their opponents... everyday. How do they do it? By constantly 'digging to find dirt, to find weakness'.. so, they can disable their opponent to make them 'move out of the way'... out of their path to what they want more of...... power.

I don't like to do that.. I don't like to hurt other people and I'll avoid doing just that..... unless I'm pushed to... then, I 'remember everything my mama and my 'family' of females' ... taught me.

I try never to use their tricks... they aren't the nicest qualities to have if you are a 'good' person. But... don't back me up into a corner... I'm coming out............. no matter how nice I am and how good I struggle hard to be everyday of my life. I'm coming out. I will feel bad because I've been pushed to do it... and I'll have sadness in my heart... but, if someone can 'cross that line'... then, one has to ... do the same. I will.... if I 'have'to, and I mean it.

Monnie, Monnie, Monnie......... my girl. You gave the 'power' to me on a golden platter and I .... couldn't resist. . Yes! Give me the power to do.... unto you ..as you have done unto me! :)))))) Honestly .. I was thinking just like that!

I know you remember today and are ashamed of asking me to take you to meet a black man in the woods ( this was unheard of at that time) ... that you wanted to 's_____' him.

You were in a 'heat' and it was stronger than you.... because you quit being careful with your words that told me what you couldn't wait to do, you were 'weak'. You forgot you were married, you were focused on one thing..... to hurry and get to those woods to meet that man. 'Weakness'..... I found her weakness!

I'll never forget how I 'smiled inside in an evil way'......... when you did that. I told you 'oh yes, of course I'll take you!' I'll do anything you need me to do.... you have done everything you could .. 'to' .. me!

She didn't even hear the word 'to', so overpowered by her lust for the man she wanted to meet. Of course, the brightness of my smile may have 'covered' what I said... I could 'charm the birds out of the trees 'if' I wanted to'. I know... I'd been told that so much.. and I could.... at that time. Monnie was a 'big, flamboyant bird!'

For a short time 'I was my 'family' of treacheous females!' Yes, I was! The pain she'd been causing in my heart as one by one came to me to tell me what she was saying and doing behind my back.... was my motivation.

I gladly took her, even smiling at her in falseness of being 'her best friend'....... as she'd been doing to me for so long. I 'played the game'..... one of those games life has alot of. I took her, yes... I did.

I saw him standing there at the edge of the woods waiting for her... I'd driven down a sandy path that she told me to turn on. She was so eager to open the door that she missed the handle, and had to stop and try to open it again. She did. I swear... she was... trembling... in desire for that man.

I just kicked back and felt like some of those women 'in my family' and......... smiled. I watched the spring in her step and her long brown hair.. yes, Monnie had the longest, most beautiful brown hair.

I watched as you both embraced in a passionate way... and you both turned to walk into those woods together. I sat there and forgot my enjoyment for a moment and thought.... oh my God, you really did go in there with that ...man! I couldn't believe it was real... and I felt sad that you did that to your husband, the man who loved you so much.

I was so disappointed in my 'best friend' and I thought about all the pain and grief you'd been inflicting on me behind my back... as I learned about it over a period of time. I felt like.... crying. I knew this was 'The End'..... of us, best friends. This was it.

I no longer felt joy and evil happiness in 'having power' over you. I only felt ... grief... I was going to miss you.... Monnie with the special Monnie smile who cared so much about me, Monnie... my 'best friend'. Monnie, whom I could just drive away this very moment to cause you grief on deciding 'how' you could get home 'from this'.... without anyone knowing what you did.

I sat there knowing I couldn't just drive off... I sat there feeling ashamed of myself 'for taking her there and my reason for doing it'. I wasn't honest and I did bad, also. I'd always heard two wrongs don't make a right.... I've learned many times since..... they don't.

I waited and.... waited. I felt anger now .... someone could drive down this path and 'see me'.... and I 'stood out'.... everyone noticed 'me' when I was around! I began to worry about 'me' at this point... and even my face felt the sensation of embarassment..... a red-hot sensation.

An hour went by.... and I couldn't believe she would leave me sitting that long! I mean... I began to think that man could have murdered her for all I knew.

An hour and a half went by! I was now... sick with worry. I didn't have the nerve to go into... those woods, those trees of darkness... bad things can happen in them!

Now.... I was (please excuse my 'ugly' word... I'm being real here)... I was tee-totally 'pissed-off'... two hours! I forgot about being concerned for Monnie's safety.... now, I was timing 'how much longer' I would even wait for her 'a___'. I was mad!

Two and a half hours later and 'I'm ready to leave her a____'.... what comes walking out of those woods?

Yes, a happy-assed........ (yes, I really thought that! I'm going to have to quit apologizing .... I don't mean words to be dirty, sometimes they ... are!)............ Monnie! I could see her smiling all the way to where I sat! She was like a cat that had just licked the last drop of milk and was... contented.

Her eyes were sparkling like the sun shining on water, her smile matching them as she got closer to my car. I, of course, smiled back my 'best friend' smile... just as she'd done through time while stabbing me in the back trying to make 'me' look bad.

She got in and I began to drive back up that path ... I wanted away from there! She just leaned back in her seat with a dreamy expression on her face. She took her hand to move her long hair away from her face using the long, beautiful fingernails she had.

Ms Monnie was happy, she was contented and she purred like the cat she was! She didn't pay me any mind... and she didn't see how angry I was at her and.... she didn't even become aware ..... of the power she'd just handed 'to me'... on an extra-golden platter. I 'was going to fix her a___'.

I took her home and I left ...never to go back to it again. I saw her husband that evening, his face full of concern ... she was so late getting home.

I wouldn't even get out of my car.... I listened to her lie to him and ... kiss him on his lips with her deceitful lips that had just been 'God knows where'... only minutes before.

I saw her take her hands with her long, beautiful fingernails to hold either side of his face .... with such ....love as she looked up into his face with her.... special Monnie smile. Her long, beautiful hair hanging down as she looked up at him... the sun shining on it making it so pretty, the breeze blowing it gently. Monnie, sweet Monnie.... I'm sure he was thinking just that... he was so glad to have his sweet Monnie home... safe and sound.

I went on with my life, leaving her out of it. When I'd meet her in places we always went to.. I'd be so nice to her and and caring... I even did little special things for her... and gradually removed myself from 'our lives as best friends'.

I found out something about 'me'... my 'perfect' self during that time. I had such 'good, delicious power' in my little hands and I could ....destroy her and it would put her down on the floor and I could have such sweet satisfaction, and... oh my! such good-feeling revenge.

I was going to destroy Monnie's life and her marriage and make her look so bad just as she'd tried to do me, though I wasn't married at the time. I was going to 'go in for the kill' just as the females in my 'family' did when they set out for revenge on another female. I wasn't going to use their 'blackmail trick'... though... I wanted immediate satisfaction.

I found out that I couldn't hurt her because something told me that she'd do it to herself ...in time. The more I debated 'when to get Monnie'... I began to realize .. I can't do it. I just can't do it.

I felt such pain inside my heart even thinking about destroying her life... because not only would I destroy her life but, I'd destroy her husband's life, and it'd affect her family's life.

I would sit and decide to tell, then decide not to tell... I would meet up some of 'mine and Monnie's friends' ... and of course, they'd always have something 'new' that Monnie had said behind my back. It would hurt me... alot. I finally made my decision.....

I 'let go'...... how in the world did I do that! I just mentally put that 'golden platter of sweet revenge' up in my mind. I 'knew' I wouldn't be hurting anyone nor would I be responsible for destroying Monnie's life.... she was going to do that to her own self... she didn't need my help. Nope, not at all...

I 'knew' that I wouldn't be able to live with the knowledge that I could cause for-real 'bad' things to happen. One can't predict the behavior of anyone... who has been betrayed. It could even cause death. No, I didn't want to 'strike the killing blow'. I was taught 'how to' by the ..best... and would use this trick if I had to.

I didn't 'have to'.... I remember another saying my grandma Alma said...'give someone enough rope and they'll hang themselves'. Grandma Alma, I have listened inside to alot of your advice.. I'm so glad.

I went on with my life and I traveled and then, met Skip and we met at what was the worst time in my life.... at least I thought it was then. My son, Tommy, was missing.. I can't talk about this now.. maybe one day.

I can say this... the worse time of my life happened on May 29, 2010... Tommy collapsed and died with two blockages in his heart. He was only 40 years old.

This...... was the worst time of my life........................................ words will never express the grief, the pain. I've tried in many words... they 'still don't equal up to that pain' in my heart.

Twenty-some years later I happened to meet up with Monnie in a store. She had a daughter who looked just like her... and a son who also... looked like her.

She had remarried.... and was 'living happy ever after'. I never asked her 'how did you hang yourself?'


  1. I guess I am a little more hard headed than you. I had a best friend not once but twice! I will never get that close to a female friend again either. I won't trust anyone like I use to. You are a better person than I am because I don't know if I would have turned down the opportunity to hurt someone that had hurt me. Maybe if I had thought about it like you did, I would like to think I would "let it go" but I can't for sure that I would have. Love, Ms. Nancy

  2. I too have had "best friends" one just recently who had used me for her own gain (yes for another man. I have let her go much to the gratitude of my children who she could be very rude to, but no matter what was said to her it continued. She was a strong person (maybe not) maybe she was just forceful to get what she wanted. She gave up her husband and children to chase a man in another country, even though he was married and had small children. At the time I guessed he was married just by little things he did but she lied to me and said I was wrong. It really wasn't me who ended the friendship in the end, it was my husband who had just had enough. After 12 months away she acted like nothing had happened and expected her children and husband to be nice to her. She abandoned her own children, she didn't even tell them she was leaving the country, this devasted them, and I had to live with the knowledge I knew where she was. (I think I was weak - as you say you cannot have a "best friend" as they cause a lot of suffering. love Nannie Gee