Wednesday, February 29, 2012




As I drove down the interstate that night I was listening to the two truck drivers I was running with. They were family men... I could tell by the converstation they were having. One was talking about his wife, it was easy to sense his love for her. The other was talking about his children, his dogs. I loved it.

I liked running with them, listening to them kept me awake. Skip was asleep in the big sleeper behind me in that big truck. I drove along imagining in my mind the pictures their conversation sparked. Sometimes, I would pass and be in front of their trucks as their conversation on the CB would begin to slow them down.

Sooner or later... they would realize that they had dropped speed to talk.... it was easy to do when talking... they both would pass me up. It was comfortable driving along with them. Both knew I was a woman driving a big truck.. what I liked very much was neither felt the need to be other than what they were... family men. Alot of drivers wanted to 'play' while on the road. One could listen to the CB to know it... they rode the highways 'having fun'. These kind of truck drivers 'left alot of themselves behind'... as they traveled up and down the highways. Alot of them gave truck drivers a bad name....

I was wanting to stop at a rest area 'really bad'. I wanted to keep going because I was making such good time traveling with those two trucks. I saw a sign saying that there was a rest area a few miles ahead. Soon, I'd be driving through St. Louis, Missouri, there would be no stopping then. Night or day... the traffic was something to be reckoned with.

I began debating whether I wanted to go on ..or to stop. I probably wouldn't get with more drivers that late at night to make time go by as it had tonight. I was in front of them now...they were talking about fishing.

I saw the exit off to the right leading into the rest area... I was on it without thinking about it further, driving into the parking lot for big trucks. I parked the big rig and turned around to see Skip sitting up on the side of the big bed. I told him I had made good time traveling with those two trucks and didn't want to stop, but, I wanted to go to the bathroom.

We got out of the truck, my legs were stiff from sitting so long in one position. It hurt and felt good at the same time to walk that long walk to go the restrooms. Drivers almost always... have to 'walk a million miles' just to get to the restrooms.

I looked down at my white sneakers and I could see from the night light that I'd scuffed it. I wanted to wipe my shoe off. Climbing down from a big truck on those steps, it was easy to rub one's shoe and get it dirty. Size 6 1/2 shoes..... that is why some drivers gave me the CB handle "Baby Shoes'... because my feet were little.

I couldn't imagine when I began driving a big truck what my CB handle (name) would possibly be... it was "Baby Shoes". I didn't talk on the CB very much, if I did... I talked like I normally talked. I didn't talk the lingo that truckers talked... I didn't want to sound 'cheap'... that was very easy to do 'if' one was a woman.

How many times I cringed when I would hear women truckers on the CB talking ... they would change their voices (or maybe they always talked 'that way') and say things I knew I would never say. No... I was a sissy driving that big truck... I wasn't 'tough where one could see or hear it......... my strength lay 'within one could see or hear it, unless I was pushed. That didn't happen very often. I could hold my ground when I needed to. I didn't have to act trashy to do it... I spoke quietly and looked straight into a person's eyes to make sure they understood exactly where I was coming from.

When I say I was a 'sissy', I was in the way I could be dressed very pretty and if need be... I knew how to 'get dirty'... but, no one knew that I did. They'd see a small 5 ft. 1 1/2 inch female with long, curly hair, and a bubbly smile and laughing eyes.. sweet, clean and wholesome... most never saw that smile leave my face. I never wanted that smile to leave my face, I loved to smile and be happy.

We walked into the restrooms. The first thing I would do (my secret!)....... was to peep at myself in the mirror! Those wonderful, long mirrors all the way down one wall! I would smile at myself and instantly the tiredness would begin melting away... I loved to walk and see how I looked in the mirrors 'all the way' down the wall. Of course, if I didn't feel pretty... I wouldn't look in the mirror any longer than necessary.

I washed my hands and used the dryer... I never had the patience to just stand and wait for my hands to get dry. I wiped them off on my jeans, took a last look in the mirror, walked outside to meet Skip.

Skip asked me if I would like him to drive now, and I let him. We hadn't driven very far up the road when we became aware of the CB.. there was alot of excited talking going on. I looked at Skip and back at the CB. It's seemed like something happened while we were in the rest area.

We heard the drivers saying how awful it was! That woman... it's a mess! She jumped..... that driver is in bad shape! I was beginning to realize that the two trucks I was in front of ..... and traveling with... were somehow involved!

We got closer, and now... knew that up ahead a woman had jumped into the path of one of the big trucks I'd been in front of, killing her. She was laying on the road. I began to feel sick inside, both in heart and my body, I felt all my strength leave me. I began to feel cold chills as I replayed in my mind the time we had stopped at the rest area when I'd been in front of the other two trucks.... oh my God! It could have been me that woman jumped in front of! I began to tremble. I was in shock.

I'd always heard that there were alot of people in time who had committed suicide by jumping in front of big trucks. I had already heard drivers telling their stories and now... this was almost one of my stories on the road.

I had always heard that for some reason... people chose to jump into the path of a big truck to end their lives.... my question has always been 'why'? Because... it's so final... so 'the end'... so 'not coming back'... 'there's no turning back'. Can you imagine what in the world could be in a person's mind to make them do 'that'? I can't.

I kept telling Skip that it could have been me who hit that woman! If I hadn't exited the interstate when I did... that's all that kept it from being me. While we sat there and waited... the rescue and law enforcement came... I could see that poor driver.

He was in another world... of terror and grief, realizing that a woman committed suicide in front of his truck... making him a part of her death without any choice in the matter. My heart went out to him as I watched people putting their hands on his shoulder trying to comfort him, I saw his face.... he was in shock, not knowing anything but, the horror that had just happened in his life. This was a family man... I knew... I had listened to him talk for several hundred miles ... about his wife, children, dogs, going fishing, church. Look what happened to this 'good' man.....

Forever, that man had to carry the weight of that inside..... just like Tommy.... neither had any say-so in what happened. Both were good men to be forever scarred from something so horrible. It's so unfair, yet.... unfair things happen. I know what happened to my son helped to cause his death... it disguised the symptoms of heart trouble.... he went through so much before he died... in his mind, in his personal life... he never had the help he needed. He tried so hard to be strong........

I think about things such as this... I think to myself that if you aren't careful when 'you go out into the world'........ someone's life can just 'reach out and touch yours'....... without you giving permission. It could be in a good way... or in a 'bad' way. You have no choice if you don't 'see it coming'. Life is like that... it's sad when it's in a 'bad' way.

It makes me think of Tommy. One year after that man stepped out in front of his big truck... my son died. He never could get over what happened. It played constantly in his mind, torturing him every minute of his life. I know... my son, my only child, my baby... called me almost every day of his life to talk to his mama. If he didn't talk, it was okay... his connection was there with his mama. When a mother can't make everything better for her own child... can you imagine how helpless a mother feels? I could only 'be there'. It still didn't keep him from dying.........................................

I woke up thinking about these things this morning... it's the first time I've thought about the time 'it could have been me' that hit a person with a big truck... I never had associated it with Tommy until this morning when I woke up. Just thinking about it too much. It was too much for Tommy. I can still hear his soft crying in my mind saying.... 'mama, mama'.............

"Baby Shoes" could have been a part of that woman's death when she decided to commit suicide in front of the big truck. Life happens, sometimes we 'don't see it coming'......... sometimes 'we have no choice in the matter'.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012





TOMMY DIED MAY 29, 2010...

at the age of 40.  He had 2 blockages in his heart and had a heart attack while running and playing with Taban on the sand at Myrtle Beack..  he did what he wanted to do ...that was to play the first time with his 3 year old son at the beach... he barely made it in time because he walked into heaven as he was videoing Taban looking at the waves. 

A group of people had been watching this tall, blonde-headed guy running and squealing with joy with his little blonde-headed son... they thought it special... thank God they were there when Tommy one else was around.  I wish I knew who they were. 

The man called the last number on Tommy's cellphone, which was me (he'd called an hour earlier to tell me they arrived safely, I was so thankful).  The first words I heard on the phone were 'Ma am, I have a man collapsed here on the beach, he isn't breathing'... my world almost ended.

TOMMY WITH HIS DAUGHTER, MCKENZIE...Tommy loved his beautiful little daughter, McKenzie.  He never got to see her like he wanted to.  She can grow up just like Taban knowing her father loved her just as he loved Taban.  

Monday, February 27, 2012




Traveling by big truck... the inside like a luxurious motor home... I love it! Skip and I both drove team on our big truck... yes, Skip slept behind me in that big old bed... while I drove that big truck!

I learned to love big, nice truck stops along the way. I also, learned to love even the smallest, shabbiest truck stops on the road. Each one was a safe haven for a truck to stop, the drivers feel safe enough to sleep, rest there.

Most truck stops have nice showers where drivers could enjoy. I loved going inside to the driver's lounge to take a nice, hot shower. In the driver's lounge would be bigscreen tv's with seating like at the movies. There would be movie theaters in there for drivers at some truck stops, depending how big, how fancy. There are laundermats, barber shops, restaurants, 'everything' at truck stops.

I love the giant truck stops that had jacuzzis in them, huge shower rooms, all white and sparkling. Thick, white towels and bath cloths, and lots of water pressure. One could even have a massage if they desired.

I loved to sit and eat supper with other drivers, listen to their stories, their experiences on the road. I loved the bright lights, colors of the truck stops. I loved the hustle-bustle of truck drivers and 'regular' people coming and going ..constantly.

One could see runaways, homeless people, prostitutes at the truck stops. Each hoping to get what they wanted or needed from the drivers who entered the truck stop. Usually it was money, or a ride, or a 'date' they wanted. Like with Skip and I... even a prostitute had a proposition for 'both of us'... she'd 'do the both' for a certain amount of money. I learned to 'not be shocked' when we were approached... soon, after it happened so often, I learned to just smile and go on. They were on their path in life, so... was I.

There are alot of scammers at truck stops, especially near the casinos out west. They gamble and lose all their money, walk across to the truck stops nearby... and begin to weave their stories to fit each driver they encountered. The regular story was that their car was broken down 'somewhere', their children were waiting for them to get back. They needed money to get to where they were going, and they were hungry. Sometimes, Skip and I would let ourselves 'be taken' and hand over money. We'd justify it by saying 'at least in our hearts we know what we gave the money for... no matter the scammer had other things in mind to use the money for'.

Truck drivers are easy to scam if it's done 'just right'. They are away from their families....... children, wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, so forth. If someone approaches them 'just right' and 'make the right sounds'... and reminded them of one of those special people they love.... that driver will pull his hard-earned money out to help them. These people 'know' that... and they pull out all the tricks to separate a driver from his money. I began to learn them and quit giving my money away.

Homeless people .... now, I care about homeless people, though they can be sly and tricky, too. I didn't like the ones who had 'that gleam' in their eyes and would try to con me. I could 'see' the ones who were quiet and never asked for anything... those were the people I noticed. I wanted to make a little difference in their life. Many times Skip and I did make a difference with food, money, and paying for a night for them to stay in a motel... where they could get away from their life on the streets for just alittle while. We wished we could do more, but... we did the best 'we could'.... hopefully others did the same behind us and kept the 'good things' going.

Some truck stops were dangerous, some rest areas were dangerous. One driver that was our friend, also, drove for the company we drove for. We were always meeting him out in California somewhere on our routes. One particular time we met him... we didn't recognize him for the bandages on his head... but, we recognized his truck. He'd been beaten up, robbed and left for dead in a rest area we always stopped to sleep at on our way on I-5 North in California.

That particular rest area also, 'had prostitutes coming out of the bushes' literally ...each night. They would slip to the trucks under the blanket of darkness, servicing drivers and making their money. It was a dangerous world... in that truck stop/rest area. It wasn't well lit at nights, one could get hurt just as that driver did.

Another driver we knew from our company was a woman who drove alone. We met up with her on one trip out west... she had been attacked one night walking the long walk a driver has to walk from the giant parking lots at truck stops.... to just simply go in to the bathroom, or for whatever reason. She came back to her truck that particular night, as she neared her truck.... she saw a man close by. Of course, one would think it was just another driver, she didn't feel alarm. She got to her door to unlock it when she felt the man come up behind her... what happened next one can guess. She was raped brutally ... no one knew it was happening.

All one can hear in those truck parking lots are the sounds of big truck motors, and the smell of diesel fuel. Strangely enough sissy as I am... I love it! I feel excitement today 'inside' when I hear the motor of a big truck, or a Greyhound bus, and smell those diesel fumes. It's intoxicating! I want to go, to travel down that highway... looking out the big windshield! I love seeing 'everything' from the very different people, real blizzards most people only read about, storms you wouldn't believe if you've never experienced them when they 'come up out of the blue'!

No matter how weary and road-tired one was... even the smallest, shabbiest truck stop became 'home' for a little while. Who cared if you felt safe, and could shower and eat a good meal? The ones I didn't like were the ones where once in a great while we'd stop at... were 'strange'. The people would be strange, the atmosphere just didn't feel good at all.. we didn't want to hang around them... these were ones way out in the desert or 'out of the way'. One could make up horror stories visiting truck stops like them.

What a contrast between working in a hospital setting, in a office wearing the prettiest dresses, and high heels! That's what I did prior to going to truck driver school, and began driving with Skip. Skip taught me the 'important' things about driving a truck. Out west driving a car or truck isn't like driving here in North Carolina... no, not at all. The mountains 'out west'... you can't even imagine, nor do they compare with anything 'back east'!!!

The dangers are only too real 'out there' if one isn't alert at all times. The driving conditions are never the same.... one trip all could be 'perfect weather'... the next trip could have a white-out/blizzard or a blinding dust storm. These are storms that if were 'back east' ... no one would believe... they've only read about them.

The winds could be horrific, blowing trucks over. I've been in alot of these winds, dust storms, blizzards, outrunning tornados up on I-40 in the Texas Panhandle... I was with my hero, Skip. I felt safe with him behind the wheel... so, would you if he were in control in such fierce weather. He's 'cool as a cucumber'!

I have felt our truck lift up and almost go over while traveling at high speeds down the interstate. I have been in and have driven in the famous fogs one read about in California. Hair-raising, adrenaline pumping, butterflies in the stomach rides! Sometimes... too much excitement for me! I've watched as a big truck lifted up and went over out on the plains where there aren't trees, only sand... allowing the wind to blow forcefully ...nothing breaking its speed.

I have many stories of 'on the road again'.... it's a 'whole other world out there'............ it's as wonderful as it is as ... dangerous. It's exciting both in a good way... and in a 'bad' way. Nothing ever stays the same, it's never boring ... one can keep their finger on the pulse of their country traveling from one end of it to the other, and back.... constantly for years. We traveled almost in every state when I drove with Skip.

Truck stops... home away from home... safe haven... grew to mean alot to me on the road. I could see the lights shining at nighttime and feel excitement knowing that once I get to the truck stop... we could get our showers, supper and.... rest. We could be be 'safe' there for the hours while we slept... we were in the safety of numbers... hundreds of other trucks like a .... wagon train in the old days. In the desert.... one could imagine......... and 'see' in their minds how it could be.... just like in the stories you read about.

Truck stops could be like the main place in town one went to when coming into town back in the old days. Hitch up your horse, park your big truck.... come on in, pay for a shower and fresh towels, and a nice, clean bed to sleep in (we did sleep at the motels when we had time).

Truck stops.... I am at home when I am at a truck stop, I know them so well. My eyes can scan and I 'can see' things the ordinary, everyday traveler never sees when stopping at one... just like I used to be. Two worlds co-existing... side by side.... as close as you and I walking inside a truck stop... your world and my world would be different...yet while one looked at both of us............ we would look like we are in the same world. We are, but... we aren't.

Sunday, February 26, 2012




I was thinking of ideas that I thought were great ideas in the past.  I have even thought of several 'inventions'.  Have you ever done that?  I find it frustrating to forget about it, later in time try to remember it.  I find out that I 'have for-real forgotten it'.  I never remember it unless by some freak accident ... it comes back to my mind.

What bothers me about this is those ideas I have had in the past were 'brilliant ideas!'  I just know they were!  Here is one for example... and if someone does it... wouldn't it be fun?

For example.... 'Panty Pocket'.  One could have a little secure  pocket in each pair of their underwear that zips or has a drawstring at the top.  In men's shorts it could be called a 'Short Pocket'.   :)))

Just think ... one could secure their rings, or money... just zip or tie the top of the pocket up, and go on and exercise, or ride that special State Fair ride without fear you'll lose your valuables.

I think adults would appreciate my ideas on having adult rocking horses, and seesaws.  I would play on them as a Granny Gee now!  I know I wrote before about never getting to enjoy these things as a child... I promise you I would enjoy them now, as a Granny Gee.  You would see me grinning from ear to ear... and get an idea of what I would have done as a child.  Yes, ole Granny Gee would love to have her own rocking horse.......... she might not find anyone to enjoy the seesaw with her... I don't know if Skip would seesaw with me... let me ask him now....

I just asked Skip... he said first of all... we would have to have a privacy fence around it... and yes, he would check it out... and he would want to put me 'way up in the air!'  :)))  Honestly... I didn't want to 'fly'... all I wanted to do was to 'seesaw just a little bit'.  Now ..Skip wants to send me to the moon. 

Anyway.....  see... if I hadn't wrote about this... it'd all be forgotten.  Don't you think it ...'nice to have a place to put one's ideas, no matter how important or unimportant they are'?  If I choose to share my ideas all I have to do is to publish it online, so, you can read them!

So, even if they aren't the greatest, most important to anyone else... it may trigger an idea in another person... and at the end... my ideas aren't wasted... they've been printed in a special place... here!  I love it!

Saturday, February 25, 2012




This morning Skip and I were talking about my writing.  I was showing him the hundreds of pages I have written in three months.  I held the stack in my hands and said....

"I have written all of this because of ...Lena".  Lena and I wrote everyday, several times a day for.... twelve years.  Lena died in August of 2011... when she died, I couldn't stop writing.

I found that I couldn't stop writing... she and I wrote just like I write everyday... we wrote about 'real life'... we used words that had meaning and never used 'empty' words.

I miss Lena with my very heart, and I have to be careful when thinking of her... it makes me cry.  She was an important part of my life each day, and each morning early the first thing I did was to turn my computer on to find Lena's emails... they'd always be there.  When they weren't.. or mine weren't there to her... something was wrong.  We would worry so much about the other until we knew what had happened.  Yes, Lena meant the world to me. 

Lena is 'why' I write now... she isn't 'there' to write to now.  That's 'why' I write to you, and you all mean the world to me.  I'm going to be writing to you... for the rest of my life.  Lena would be proud of me.

I'm always 'here' too, when you write back to me.  I love the emails I get from different people, I always answer them back.  'Why?'  Because they are important to me, and someone thought I was important enough to take their time to write to me.  I think you are important enough to take my time to write back... and I always will. 

Do you know... I lost Tommy, Fairchild... our 11 year old Rottie, and Lena close together... they were so important and special to my 'private-real' life.  If someone asked me to describe how it felt for that to happen.... I could only look at them and say... 'I don't think there are enough words to describe that kind of pain'.  I know I've told you that it is the worse, and I know alot of you understand... because you can imagine, and I know there are some who have and are now, on that same path I travelled.

My only words to someone who is suffering as I have and do now... keep picking yourself back up, keep dusting your pants off.  Doesn't that sound so easy to do?  When you lose your most loved ones, I promise you.... those little words no way compare to how hard it is to do. 

But... somehow one has got to keep going forward... we all have other loved ones who need us, too.  So... you just have to keep doing that, go forward... fall down, get up, fall back down, crawl..cry, scream... get back up, fall back down, cry... sob... weep, but, no matter what... get back up..... after a 'million' times, one gets stronger. 

One can still have 'weak' moments, I do.  I'll feel them 'coming on'... or out of the blue, they can happen.  I will cry it out until my eyes are sore from so many tears, I can't breathe good, and my body feels so weak. 

Do you know what?  'NOW'... I open my eyes and I 'look forward', and in my mind 'I go forward'... soon, I'm alright again.  I can 'know' that no matter what... I'm going to make it... 'now'.  I may be going forward 'in tears'... soon.. the sunshine's warmth will dry them, warm my heart, fill my mind with its healing light... I walk forward 'just a little stronger'... once again.

Friday, February 24, 2012




I was watching tv when I saw something about the 'invisible homeless'. I knew about homeless people who are in every city living on the streets, hidden out of view in tunnels, alleys, and places normally not frequented.

I know it touches my heart because these people brave the elements 'every minute' of their life. Can you imagine that? Every minute, second of their life. It hurts my heart so much. People and animals have to suffer so greatly in this world just to survive the weather... and 'man'. There's always something to prey on the weak.

Here in Raleigh, I got to see on tv one of the faces... of the invisible homeless. It shocked me, and made me sit upright. The cameras panned to a an attractive black lady who appeared to be in her late 30's ...maybe. She was sitting under the steering wheel, tucking blankets around her body. She had on a toboggan framing her pretty face... though ..something was wrong. Her face was filled with stress, her eyes filled with tears.. I could see she was cold.

I 'felt' such pain inside for this woman... she said she slept in her car. I had the impression that either she parked in different places, or maybe her car didn't have gas to go. I stopped 'my life' for a few moments to 'really feel her'.... I felt her helplessness, her grief for her broken life. I really felt this so deeply from my soul when I saw....

I didn't get to see all that transpired... but, I did see that something really good and special was given to this woman.... I watched her burst into tears and I watched and felt her emotions on her face as she hugged a woman... her eyes were closed so tightly, and the tears..........

Oh, the tears were streaming down her face.. whatever was given to her meant the very world to her. I saw how her face had wrinkles around her nose and eyes... from the 'raw emotion' ..... my heart actually 'squeezed hard, I felt something pull inside my soul, I felt pain for this woman. I am sitting here 'wanting to cry my heart out'.... she reflects others we don't see.

You won't believe this... on Raleigh's Channel 5 (WRAL).... they showed a preview of this same woman sitting behind her steering wheel... and said that tomorrow evening one can hear about 'Raleigh's Invisible Homeless', people who are living in their cars. I want to watch this very much.

It hurts me so much... because think about it... it wouldn't take alot to make you and I .... have to live in our cars. Unless, you are most fortunate to have alot of money these days, and good health... people like you and I are only... a few weeks, or months from being homeless. Only 'a little money' ..... separates us from living in our cars.

I was just thinking that this old world is so full of pain as well as joy... I think I've known alot of both... maybe just a little more pain than joy.... life isn't the easiest financially.... we are like alot of people, young and older... not really that far from .... being homeless. I've thought about this alot in a 'very real and honest way'. I don't pretend to be anything but, me..... I have my pride but, it's in the most honest way now, as I've grown older.

I always think to myself that 'now'.... if I 'fall on my face'...... that the fall hopefully wouldn't be quite as far... if 'I've never pretended to be something I'm not from the beginning'. I would hope someone would have compassion for me, knowing I'm real, and so 'imperfect'.

I think back to my youth... how haughty, arrogant... (I hate to admit that... I really do. 'Who in the hell did I think 'I' was'?).... snooty I was at times. Like my beautiful clothes, shoes, cars, money, home, my looks 'made 'me' better ....than anyone.

I see members of my 'family', people I know ...doing the very same thing.... 'now'. 'Who in the hell do 'they' think they are'? I 'see myself' in them... nothing can touch them to make them know 'now'. It will take years to 'wake them up'.... just as it did me....... material things are most important

'Looking down' on someone who is less fortunate.... is most important now... because that's what it takes to make them feel 'big'. If they do give.... they want the whole world to know what they did... so, they can be thought of as so giving and wonderful.

They can't give in a quiet, meaningful way never wanting 'credit for giving'... they want their name there... so, they can be thought of as 'doing their part'.... they don't see that at the same time as giving... they are embarassing, making someone feel little by wanting to be 'loud about giving'. And..... of course, the person will take it because they so desperately need it, and smile with ... a red face. I've been on both ends... at one time or other since I was nine years old... when I began to learn ....'needing'.

I had a big heart 'then'.... but, it wasn't 'big enough'. I wasted so much time being like that.... 'flying high'. The higher I flew, the 'farther I had to fall'......... and .... fall I did. I fell hard... in disgrace, shame, embarassment many years ago. Yes, 'who in the hell did I think I was'? I deserved what I got.

I just saw on tv again... about watching the invisible homeless tomorrow evening at 6:00 pm.... I got to see again that same woman with so much emotion on her face... tears are streaming down my face at this very moment... I could feel deeply for her... more than my words can say.

I wonder if I 'feel so deeply now'.... if it's because I should have years ago.. and when I 'had alot'............ I could have made more of a difference than I did. I wonder if my words could 'touch a younger person/people'.... while they 'have everything in their life... money, youth'.... to reach out and help someone. I've wasted so many years.

I can say that even not 'having everything now'... I do reach out, both Skip and I... and help without asking if someone needs it. If possible ...we 'just reach out' when we have extra... sometimes, we do without to help.... nothing can match the joyous feeling inside when .... giving.

I don't (neither does Skip).... care about all the 'glory and credit' for giving... we do it quietly.... only 'we need to know inside' ... what we did. No one ever has to... only whoever receives... sometimes 'they don't know where the help comes from'.

It 'doesn't matter where it come from'.............. as long as it comes to make a good difference in someone's life when they need it. Aren't we all so thankful... when 'out of the blue'........... just the right things fall into place for us? We sometimes wonder 'how did that happen'..... what's more important is 'that it happened'... sometimes, it saves our lives.

I know all this ....'now'. I don't care if no one ever knows what I've done in my own way.... I do what I can, I 'let go' and go on with my life. I never expect nothing back... never. I think alot of times this kind of knowledge comes with age..... it would be a very smart, caring young person who learned this lesson early in life. Life would be so joyous for them if they learned it early.... I know it would have made my life more joyous..... I could have created so much happiness where there wasn't any............ if I had known.

I know..... 'now'.


Thursday, February 23, 2012




Sunday, 25 December, 2011

I just opened the curtains to the world and I felt a smile in my heart. I've made it to this moment ... it's Christmas Day ... and I feel good inside. I'm even looking forward to Skip and I preparing the turkey and dressing and all the traditional things for our... Christmas Day meal later today.

I'm so glad to be right here... in this very moment... I made it! I'm going to be alright now. I am finally 'head-on' with Christmas Day... and I'm a winner now, I'm not going to be so sad today.. this must mean I'm getting just a little more... stronger.

The pain is there... but, I've faced it head-on and I 'wrote 500 times on the mental blackboard in my mind'.........the things that hurt me (Tommy is gone, he can't be back, it hurts... let's go forward... you have to, Skip and Kissy and Chadwick are 'here' for you). I kept repeating those words inside.... trying to take the power away.. to hurt me.

It's not as bad as I thought it would be though... like just now, I'm hearing a very powerful Christmas song in the background that swells my heart up with emotion and tears came to my eyes.... 'fall on your knees and hear the angels' voices'... the choir was singing. All I can tell myself is... life is going to be like that sometimes... let's go forward. Here I go....

I made coffee and got out the big, red coffee mugs for us to drink coffee from this morning. Skip is still in bed and so, are those spoiled pups. I got up earlier so, I could do something I've wanted to do so long... but, for some reason thought I ..couldn't. That's what I'm doing at this very moment... write.

I began November 2nd this year... and haven't stopped. I'm doing now, what I always wanted Skip and Jimmy to do.... write. I know that I'm not a 'true' writer.. I write from my very heart and in words that are only my own... not in the proper form one 'should' write in.

Skip CAN write beautifully and Jimmy is gone now... he died December 16th, last year. He could write beautifully, also. Now.. he can't, he's gone. Maybe.. Skip will be inspired to write... he enjoys reading what I write... and when I see a little smile on his face while reading.. I can't tell you how that makes me feel! I've 'touched' him in some way with what 'I had to say' while writing.

I hope my words can mean alot other people. I know if I found words someone kept writing from their heart... those would be the words I would like to read. Maybe... just maybe... I could cause you to smile just a little bit or even better... make you laugh out loud... that would make me smile and laugh.

I know just lately I've been sad alot... but, I don't stay that way. Even happy people can feel so sad, sometimes. Guess what? It isn't even the 'end of the world'... no, not at all.

Now .... last year when Tommy died ... was a different 'ballgame'. It DID feel like the end of my world... and I won't lie to you.... it ALMOST was. So, I'm not going to sugar-coat anything because who knows.... someone at this very moment may be reading what I have written about losing their child... wouldn't I seem so 'flip'.. just simply saying 'it isn't even the end of the world' to them'?

I haven't found anything that I've read since Tommy's death to help me in any way... so, I quit looking. Maybe just my experience by telling it like it really has been can in some way make a little difference... somehow. It won't take their pain away... that's for sure... but, maybe 'knowing someone else has and is experiencing what they are also, experiencing in their life and is still 'going forward' from that experience'... can give them hope.

I will say this... a person reaches out as best as they can in that time of being the weakest.. for all the life-savers they can grasp hold of.. because myself.. I was AT the point of not wanting to even reach up anymore from the sea of grief I was floundering in.

No, I... WOULDN'T have reached up at all.... if you want to know the absolute truth....... if I hadn't heard Skip constantly 'in the distance' saying 'Baby Girl, are you alright' and he never stopped talking to me or 'being there'. Our pups were 'there'........... though I couldn't 'see' Skip and the Pups... they were 'there' and they kept 'pulling me back to'.

I know they had a battle on their hands... I ALMOST couldn't ...hold on to them... my life-savers. Their voices and presence led me on that dark path... back to them once they lifted me from my sea of grief.

I crawled and I fought so hard to reach them through blinded eyes of tears and the weakness of my body, my soul, my heart. I've never fought so hard to come back I had died...inside. It hurts me now, to think about this.. my words in no way can describe what I came through... but, I promise I will keep on trying to tell it like it is... like it was... through time.

If you are going through something like this... don't quit... listen closely and follow your loved ones' voices when can't see. They want you back... or they will have to experience what I'm experiencing and have are experiencing or have experienced........... 'listen closely'... you don't have to see... just follow their life-saving voices and 'feel' them ...go forward to them. Even living.... we have to go forward to the light.

For now, it's time to begin Christmas Day in my life... Skip and those spoiled Pups are up now. I won't dwell now... on sadness, though there will be 'moments'.. and I'll just have to smile through my tears and 'know' everything's all right... this Christmas Day I'm with my loved ones... though one, two, three... are missing.... it's still going to be alright.

I'm going to do my part now... I'm going to help make it nice as possible... after all, as Barbara says.... (and I've always thought and said, also).......... Christmas IS a magical time. We all have to contribute to making it that... special. It's time for me to go and ... help make it wonderful today. How lucky I am to have my family... Skip and our Pups! Those spoiled pups........... :))))))




        I was nineteen, a pretty girl with a happy smile and I was glad to be around ... people!  I had left the North Carolina mountains to come back home to Raleigh.  I wanted to be around people, lights, town... yes, I was happy 'to be home'!

I was isolated living in those mountains... fourteen miles from both towns I lived between.  I'd never been left alone in my entire life.. I was abused, mistreated as a child... but, I'd never been left alone.  I had gotten married too young... I ran away to marry a man... at that time he was a 'God' to me.  I was too young, and he was 'too worldly'... he loved lots of women.  

I was younger, he told me what to do and, he left me all alone in the countryside, while he'd be gone.  I'd never been in the countryside before going there to live.  It terrified me... I wanted to go back to town to live where there were lights to warm my soul, light my path... to keep the darkness away.  I was afraid of the dark.... I had grown up knowing 'things happen in the dark!'  I was left me alone for days and nights.  That's very scary for a 16 year old girl who was used to living in town, around people at all times.

I needed a job, and I decided to apply at Shoney's.  I was thinking in terms of salary plus tips... I would make good tips!  I went there, talked to the manager, and filled out my application.  I knew I had the job before leaving because, she asked me to come to work the next day.

I'd never worked, never had to work.  I wanted to work and learn how to take care of myself.  All of this lasted .... one day!  You wouldn't believe what could happen in just.... one day.

I showed up early for my new job with expectations of having a fun day on a new job... one I'd gotten all by myself.  I had all kinds of plans in my mind now,  I was going to make my own money.  I was living at my mother's home, and soon.... I wanted to get my own place.  This is what I had in mind ...until...........................

The manager was a very nice woman, she liked me but, I am sure she hated my guts when that night came!  I'm sure she wished I'd never come in to apply for that job.

I was smiling brightly with happiness at all the other waitresses, and waiter.  They were all smiling back at me!  I 'knew' I was going to like it here.  I was shown how to carry a giant tray that was 'bigger than I was'... with plates of food, saucers of pie (that strawberry pie sure looked good!).

The dishes on that tray that I had to carry were big, thick, heavy dishes.  I was strong, young.... but, the weight was almost too much for me!  Not only that... that terra cotta tile floor was too slippery to walk on!

The customers liked me, they were giving me lots of tips.  I loved hearing the coins rattling as I dropped more in my pocket.  What I loved best were the dollar bills, and five dollar bills that were silently stuck in my pocket!  This was in that one day!

There was one thing that disturbed me early that day when I took my first break.  My feet were really hurting from walking on that terra cotta tile floor.  I was shown to the employee breakroom, I immediately sat down to rest my feet.  I was alone at the table, and since no one was in there... I decided to take my shoes off (they were new, white and like the ones worn by nurses). 

When I took those shoes off, the pain seemed to get more intense!  They tingled.  I closed my eyes and began to slowly rub my left foot with my right foot.  It felt so good sitting there, rubbing my feet like that.  I had on stockings, and the silkiness of the stockings made it easy to slide my feet against the other!

I still had my eyes closed, rubbing my feet and was 'in another world' one where my feet were...... hurting and feeling good..... at the same time!  I heard a soft voice behind me coming from the doorway!

"Baby, keep on rubbing your feet, rub them, rub them!'  The soft, voice sounded excited, it came from one of the male waiters!  I stopped rubbing my feet, I was embarassed as I turned around to see ..... 'what in the hell!'  I couldn't believe my eyes... that waiter was standing there 'humping his hand!' 

I'd never seen such, much less knew what he was doing.  I knew he was in the throes of passion by the way he moved quickly!  I wanted out of there.  He was moaning as I ran quickly past him, back up the dim hallway to the door leading into the dining area!

Each time I was standing behind the counter to bend over to get something... I would feel pressure on my backside!  That male waiter would be rubbing up against me!  It began to upset me greatly, though I kept smiling.  I didn't like this!  He would mumble words to me that I couldn't understand.  I began to feel there was 'something bad wrong' with this guy.... I began to keep my distance, he found a way to keep invading my personal space.

I had gotten the hang of what to do... when disaster struck.  When disaster struck, it set off a chain of events that 'ended my wonderful career as a Shoney waitress!  The male waiter 'was the beginning!'

I was moving quickly carrying the huge tray with one hand, it was loaded with those big, thick, heavy saucers.  Each saucer held a big piece of strawberry pie.... I meant to have some of that later!  The weight of it all was pressing my hand 'down', I was hurrying and that slippery floor made me slip.....

Oh..... my.... God!  I watched as that big tray left my hand, I tried to stop it!  I watched those big, thick, heavy saucers fly through the air spreading.... red strawberry pie 'everywhere'!  I was so embarassed, so in pain, so 'wanting to melt into the floor'.... the noise it all made!

Red, strawberry pie on everything, on the countertop... broken, white pieces of the saucers were stuck here and there in that strawberry pie!  I heard people gasping wondering 'what in the __ just happened.... they couldn't see me!  But... they did when I began to raise up from my knee!  I don't think anyone asked me 'if I was okay'... but, I heard the manager's voice as she came running toward ............................. Oh God!

Down she went!  She went sliding down on that slippery floor and slid up to me.... strawberry pie on her!  I looked at her in horror!  I knew she was dead!  Someone yelled "call the ambulance!"  I was asking, begging her to be okay!  She just laid there!  I wanted to leave!  I stayed.

The ambulance came, they loaded her into the truck and took her away.... I was left there not knowing what to do.  I began to help clean up the mess, all the while that same male waiter stayed behind me.... mumbling!

I could understand what he was saying now!  He kept saying "It's your fault!  It's your fault she's hurt!"  This only made how I felt worse.... and the knowledge that 'now'... I knew he was 'crazy'! 

Just before my shift ended.... a call came.  The manager's leg was broken, she wouldn't be back for a while!  When I left that Shoney's restaurant that day.... I knew I wasn't coming back either!  I never got paid for that day.... what was worse.........

I never got any of that strawberry pie! 


Wednesday, February 22, 2012




In a darkened room there is a ficus tree

with soft, clear lights glowing to cheer me.

It's raining outside, the sky is gray

the little soft lights inside keep sadness at bay.

On days like this, it's easy to become sad and down

I just turn the lights on the ficus tree, the lamps that sit.. around.

Light is so important to one's mind and soul

We all need it to brighten 'inside', it's worth its weight in gold.

I've been in the darkness many times in my life, I know

how much light means on my path... as I go.

I can see now... my path is free and clear

my son's memory tucked in my heart, feeling him 'near'.




February 16, 2012

There's a happy little fireplace that sits in the corner of the living room near the ficus tree. The fireplace is burning, the soft lights are shining on the tree. That corner glows with ... happiness. Happiness that spreads around the room right to .. whoever is sitting there. Your soul can absorb the soft, beautiful light... it feels so good.

When one is 'full of light inside'... it feels like you are 'glowing it to the outside' of That's a rare feeling... but, at this moment... I feel that special glowing feeling. I feel like the light is 'spilling out from me' through my eyes.... this must be how it feels to 'be inside the fireplace as an ember, a log'.... burning and reflecting its light 'outside'. What a warm feeling! Happy feeling!

I love to feel such feelings, and wish to feel more of them. It's been so long since I've felt such. This is the first of many as I find peace 'inside'. I feel that lately such a change has happened 'inside' of me. I 'feel like that little fireplace'... a soft, glowing warmth inside my soul wanting to reflect ... out.

Yes, something is happening inside me to change my sadness, my grief to a feeling of bittersweet... a feeling that now... I can bear. I know I've talked lately alot about this... I feel I am getting happier, and happier. I have my own little fireplace in my soul, burning a soft red-orange...spreading a soft glow that lights and warms my heart. I hope I can reflect that from my eyes, my actions and spread it to others.

I would love to be a magical person and bring peace to everyone who touches my life. I know I am only human and can't be perfect... but, I can wish! :))) I know that if I stump my toe.... I will still say .....'damn!'

Tuesday, February 21, 2012




Growing up in rural Virginia, Skip always looked forward to the summer months, not just because he was out of school for summer vacation, but also, swimming in the local river which was beautiful and had a white, sandy bottom.

The true highlight of the summer was when the harvest of string beans took place. A group of women would assemble at his grandmother's home to string and snap the green beans.

It was common practice for some of the women to not wear undergarments ( 'drawers' ). They would sit with their legs apart using their dress to hold the green beans they were working on.

Skip would find a seat on the bottom step which gave him a 'good bird's eye view' of what was 'normally concealed'!

One day when the women were snapping green beans, Skip's father drove up from work. He walked up to the porch and stood for a moment looking around.

He said "what are you doing, boy?" Skip said "I'm not doing anything". His dad said to him "don't lie to me, boy! I know exactly what you are doing!"

"Don't you know that the Lord will strike you blind?" his father asked. Skip immediately squinted one eye and said "I'm going to take a chance with this one eye!"

I have laughed over this through the years. Skip has been a mischievious person, and he has the funniest stories. I love to write about them sometimes.

You remember the story about the brownies! I'll be writing more funny things about him, too. They've entertained me so much through the years, I feel like you'll get a laugh, also.

I look forward to writing about some of his 'grandma' stories! Especially ... when she saw ghosts late one evening. Her boyfriend's name was Marley. He would come to 'court' her and they would sit in the parlor. I love how that sounds. So romantic.........

Marley saw some ghosts one night, too! Not only that, he had quite an experience with a rattlesnake! I will write about these stories in the future.

I laughed so much watching Skip as he told the above story... I could 'see' him as a young boy doing that! Curiosity! :)))

Monday, February 20, 2012




I went to get my hair trimmed yesterday at Raffles. I am going to say that the girls in there do a nice job cutting hair. I'm glad I found them.

My hair has become a 'champagne' color where it's lightened up naturally... I'm happy that the older I've become... my hair color seems 'pretty much even all over'..... where it's lightened up.

Skip likes it, I like it... and now, I don't want to put color on it. I'm going to leave it like it is. I love my natural color!

Now.. yesterday I almost made a mistake. I asked the girl who cut my hair what could I use to make my hair shine more? No big deal.

Immediately she and the other beautician standing nearby said to use Matrix Total Results, but... don't use it more than twice in one week. The other beautician told about a woman using her Total Results shampoo more than two times... now, she has purple hair! Oh... My ... God!

Well, I decided I would come home and 'use the shampoo just one time'.... and use it quickly! I jumped into the shower and got my hair wet... took alittle of that shampoo and put it on my hair, worked it in and rinsed it quickly .... I didn't want to take a chance on having 'purple hair'!

I got out, toweled off, dressed and then, began drying and fixing my hair. It has become thin since Tommy died, the beautician said stress, grief can cause one's hair to do that. It should begin doing okay now. I've always had very thick hair.

Anyway, I noticed that there was a little 'silvery' sheen on my 'champagne' color.... I decided to read the bottle! As I read that bottle I decided I'm going to give that new bottle of shampoo away! The shampoo is purple in color, and on the front of it... it says 'So Silver', I don't want my 'champagne' color to turn 'silver'!!! No way! I want my own color, nothing to keep up.

How lucky I am for the way my hair is 'doing by itself'... yes, I'm going to give that purple shampoo away. If anyone is reading this who knows me personally.... and it's convenient to give it to them... just let me know... this purple shampoo can be yours with .... no charge!

Saturday, February 18, 2012



That sure is some good lotion.  I like the smell of it, and I like how it feels when I rub it on my face and hands.  It feels good!

Skip was telling me about the lotion he'd found on the shelf in the closet at the end of the hall.  I asked him what color was it, what scent was it.  He told me it had a nice floral scent, and it was pink in color.

My mind was on something else at the time, so... I didn't dwell on the lotion at that time.  I did think though... I would check it out, and use some of it..... but, I couldn't remember 'that' lotion.

That sure is some good lotion!  Skip had used it again.  This time it piqued my curiousity!  I wanted to use some, too!  I wanted to smell that beautiful scent he kept mentioning!  The phone rang, I ran to answer it, forgetting that lotion once again.

Several days later, after I had taken my shower I happened to think about that nice-smelling, pink lotion Skip kept raving about!  I wanted to smell the nice floral scent he described... of course, I love floral scents.   Also, I wanted to know 'how' that lotion come to be there on the shelf, and I couldn't remember it!

I walked down the carpeted hallway to the door, opened it.  I saw the pretty bottle right away.  I was thinking that bottle was something else, but.... I don't use my reading glasses all the time... and after a time I forget things that I do have.

I reached for it, decided I needed my reading glasses to read the pretty label.  Skip uses reading glasses, too.  I don't think he read this label with reading glasses on. 

I read:


Raspberry Shea Butter


Shea Butter Beads
Softens and Conditions Skin
24 fl.oz.

I began laughing thinking of seeing Skip putting that wonderful 'lotion' on his face and hands, how he enjoyed using it!  I laughed until I got weak... I couldn't wait to tell him that his beautiful lotion was in actuality............
Raspberry Body Wash!!!  

Friday, February 17, 2012




Fuzzy and happy..2 shot glasses full... juices left over from a steak... the essence of another...mating ritual... giving a part of your spirit, your energy... vamping out, severe cravings for..................................................

Blood.  I have been watching a documentary on vampire 'people'.  I've been watching them put little 'Xs' on the skin, criss-crossing the skin with a razor... and drinking the blood before it cools.  I can't even imagine 'drinking someone's blood'.  I've been watching them 'slurp' it up!

I won't knock it because... it might be good, but, I can say I don't want to be ... full of someone else's red-red
blood!  I would waste it by getting sick.  One woman says 'it's just a part of life'.  They say that drinking blood is a way of 'embracing life'.

I think I would rather hug someone, and let that be my way of embracing life.  I think I'll let my hugs be my 'part of life'.

I was thinking of the disadvantages 'for me to drink your blood'....

First of all, if any dripped out of my mouth when I was savoring it... it would drip red on 'everything'!  I would have a hard time getting the bloodstains out...and gracious, suppose someone knocked at the door!  Would I go to answer the door with a bloody smile?  It might be good if there are people there with ill intentions.... they'd be scared of me', instead me scared of them... they would 'know I might bite them!'  I bite... anyway!  :)))

Red isn't my favorite color, though I like it!  But... I don't want your blood!  You might need it!  I don't want to need your blood, nor do I want to crave it!

I was thinking that if there were alot of 'bloodsuckers' in a crowd... and someone accidently got cut.... would everyone rush with their mouths open, tongues flicking in and out in anticipation to get your blood?  Seems like there is a danger of being 'sucked up'.

I can think of alot of situations people have 'blood'... like in hosptial... one's IVs.  Can you imagine someone who needs some blood standing there with that 'craving gleam' in their eyes, a little crazy half-grin on their lips, that ole tongue licking their lips?  In and out... in and out.......................................................................

I can 'see' it now... they pull that little razor out and put an 'X' on your bag of blood... and stick a straw in it, suck out a couple shot glasses of it, put a bandaid over the hole to seal it up.  You are lying there watching in disbelief, all the while thinking you are 'high' on medicines!  Who are you going to tell, what are you going to say?  Press the call button to tell the nurse 'hey, someone is in here with a straw in my bag of blood sucking it all gone!'  Of course, she wouldn't believe you.

I don't like the metallic taste of blood.  Yes, I've tasted blood, I know you have too.  Oh my gosh, I wouldn't want to crave blood and someone's 'nose began to bleed'!  I wouldn't want to suck a nose!

I'm thinking now... I don't knock those vampires but, I don't want to be one.  I have respect for everyone else's beliefs.  It doesn't mean I believe in them, or want to practice them.  I'm not ever going to let anyone see my nose bleed!  One never knows who is watching... or how fast someone could... jump on your nose!  :)))

Yes... I know this sounds silly, but...I, like you.... sometimes have very silly thoughts.  Someone could be standing closeby... with that 'craving gleam' in their eyes, that little crazy half-grin, that ole tongue flicking and out, in and out.... in and out!  Oh, I'm going to watch my nose, too!  You just might want to watch yours... too!

I wonder what that man is looking at...standing here in this library... he seems to be ... is his tongue flicking over his lips.. why, I wonder 'if' that's a crazy, little grin on ... his mouth?  His eyes..... wait a minute... he's not craving blood... I think he is just chewing on his gum!   :)))

Note:  I am going to wait until Sunday morning and publish 2 stories online.  I'm ready to take a break from the library!  I'll be writing at home from now on!  Thank-you, Ms Nancy, for your offer... it means so much because I know how sincere you are.  You are the best friend anyone could have!