I'D FORGOTTEN AGAIN... WHERE DID THAT STRENGTH GO?
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
Sometimes we see other people (it's always easier to see other people ... than to see, look at ourselves)... who are scarred from people in their young lives. I know I'm scarred by 'alot of people' in my life... but, thankfully... I'm old enough now to have forgiven long ago, and not dwell on them. I am very strong now... from all that happened in my life... I can 'hold my ground' now.
I even still love people who hurt me mentally, physically as a little innocent child... most have died now... there may still be 'a few' left. I wonder 'if they ever thought about what they did to me when I had no choice in the matter... when they took liberties with my mind, my body.... as a little, precious child'?
I wonder if 'before' all the ones who have died ... ever gave 'me'.. thought, and in their minds if they felt sorry, ashamed of what they did. I wonder if it was hard going through the years knowing, seeing me from time to time as I grew up... I wonder what they really thought. Could they have felt bad... at all?
I've felt bad for even things I have done in my life to stop someone from walking on me, for standing up to them, or to protect someone else... using words from my mouth, prepared to use my body physically to 'hold my ground'. I had the right to do that... but, I always felt bad because 'I had to hurt someone's feelings, I cared... though they didn't care about mine'. So... I wonder if 'anyone who ever hurt me intentionally... ever cared'?
Also, the 'other scars' from things done to me, I have forgiven and 'let go of'. I still 'remember'....... 'now', they are stories for me to write about. Do you think 'that's why'... those things happened to begin with? For a reason? To a little innocent child?
I don't think little children do things to 'make these things happen to them'... do you? I think these things happen to little, innocent children because... grown-ups do things in secret, in their minds they think 'this kid won't remember I did this to them... this child is too afraid of me to tell on me... I want to do this ... to 'this' kid'.
So... what makes them single out a particular child? I think they single out children who 'aren't protected, cared about' by other grownups. Maybe because they 'know no one would believe 'that' child... especially when the one 'inflicting the 'bad' thing on that child ... is 'someone, somebody', a professional whom everyone loves and ... respects. Yes... respects.
I smile as I think about that word... 'respects'. Alot of people who think others are 'somebody'... think they are 'perfect and can do no wrong... why their word is law, they are God'... they wouldn't do such things! The little child in me 'knows'... 'yes, they do'. It's sad, but... true.
I think too... that they 'know who to single out'... like when I was very little... I didn't know I could tell, I didn't have the vocabulary to describe pain, abuse, when I could tell... when alittle older... I didn't because I thought that was 'just my life'... I didn't talk about it. I just got 'stronger' as the years went by... it took alot of years.
You would believe 'I'm so strong now... that nothing could hurt me ever again'........... it's not true. I hurt easily... you who know me know that when my son, Tommy, died... 'it hurt me to almost the... end'... I almost didn't make it through that. Where was all my 'learned strength'? It abandoned me 'then'... it was like I was 'never strong' to begin with.
When I had to fight for my life the 3 years when diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma... I had to 'find my strength'... I had forgotten that I 'was so strong'... I didn't remember it. Find that strength, I did... I meant to live, I wanted to live, I fought to live. This was the worst thing that ever happened to me, I almost died............. until the evening I was told by a stranger on my son's cellphone.... 'ma 'am, I've got a man here, collapsed on the sand... he's not breathing'.
I 'died inside' for almost 2 years... I didn't remember I was so strong... I'd forgotten... again. Where did that strength go? I almost didn't fight this time to live... I almost didn't have the desire... to live. I wanted to 'stay in the darkness... this time'.
Skip, my hero... my precious husband... his voice that I know and love so well, somehow made it through that darkness to 'me'. I was 'lost', unthinking, uncaring anymore... his voice 'kept reaching me'... I could hear him. As time went by... little by little... I began to 'follow his voice' out of that darkness... I began to see a little light on my path... I followed it 'forever'. The sun began shining little by little brightening my path until now... I do see the sunshine, I do want to live! I'm strong... once again. 'Now'... I'm very strong again.
I firmly believe everything happens for a reason to us, our bodies, our minds....... we have to 'keep going forward', learn to cope with these things no matter what... we didn't choose them to happen.
They happened... we are the ones who have to make that decision 'to get up and dust our pants off, hold our ground... once again'. We have to... no matter that we are bruised, bleeding, broken............ get up! Get up... don't stay down! Get up!
There are many 'bad' things in life that happen... we can't avoid them. I've really tried in my life... they found 'me'. I'm going to try to always keep 'going forward'... no matter what. Even when 'I've forgotten my strength'... I'm going to find it ... again.
I love life, the sun shines on my path now... warming my heart, my mind, my body, my soul... I don't want to go back into that darkness ever again. I treasure my life... again.
If I should forget my strength again... yes, I will look so hard for it... I will dust my pants off and get right back up, no matter the pain in my mind, my body, my soul.
If you ever see me and 'I'm lost'... please give me directions to get to the path I'm seeking... the path with sunshine lighting my way with hope, desire to live life to the fullest. I made it 'this far'... I can't stop now even... if I forget I am 'so strong'. I have to ...find my strength.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)