MEMORIES... I WISH THEY WOULDN'T HURT SO MUCH
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
Does anyone remember as a child spending the night at relatives' homes... sleeping on a 'pallet'? You know ...like covers laid on the floor with pillows... more covers to go over you? I remember as a little girl, I loved to sleep on the floor. I loved sleeping on the floor as an adult, until...
Until I had all these surgeries. Gracious... I would feel such pain now, if I slept on the floor. :))) It really would hurt my body..... alot!
I used to enjoy sitting on the floor 'Indian-style' to draw with my colored markers, pencils in their special containers 'sitting all around me'... lots of 'happy colors'! Now... it would really hurt my body to 'get up'. :)))
Do you remember how our grandparents would have a 'big' bowl of cereal at nighttime, watching tv? George and Grandma Alma would have canned peaches in their cereal.... Cornflakes!
Grandma Alma and George would watch ... Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Ed Sullivan, Lawrence Welk Show, Mr. Ed, Bewitched... I Love Lucy!
I remember George putting the percolator coffeepot on the stove to make fresh coffee. I remember their coffee was very strong! They would tell me when I would ask them for some... 'it'll make you ugly, if you drink coffee as a child'!
Grandma Alma would tell me we would make cinnamon rolls, or make taffy. She would pull herself up on her walker, walk slowly dragging her leg, with one arm 'hanging'... to come into the kitchen to stand at the table. She had a big pan to mix things in... she made biscuits sometimes, with her good hand after washing it.
My Grandma Alma would make watermelon preserves... grape jelly. She'd stand there with her walker helping to support her at the table. Whenever Grandma Alma could cook... it was wonderful! She wasn't able to very often.
My Grandma Alma was the best cook whenever she could go into the kitchen. She was paralyzed from a stroke, she had worked hard all her life. She'd come home and worked in her flowers in the hot sun. How my Grandma Alma must have suffered in silence at how cruel life was to her... it's strange but, I never remembered her complaining.
I never heard George complain ... life was cruel to him, also. He went blind when he was an adult. Poor Grandma Alma and George... the best people in the world ... with the worst life in the world. It doesn't do any good to 'question why'? Life happens.
No matter which of Grandma Alma's daughters would come home to live for a while, with their own children... they were always welcomed at Grandma Alma and George's. Their house wasn't the biggest, and friction would happen ... often.
There was never a 'dull moment' at their house. People either loved too much... or were to the extreme opposite... hating and fighting 'too much'. I can 'see' in my mind George's expression... how he must have felt inside when he couldn't 'see' what was going on... sometimes, he would get hit! It would hurt my heart as a child to see his look of pain, his blind eyes with tears in them. As bad as it sounds, I saw that when I was a child there.
George loved all the little children, he was like a mother hen. He would worry about each and every one of the grandchildren... he was the only grandfather most of us ever knew. He was my Grandma Alma's second husband... we never knew the difference... never. George was 'our George'.
Sometimes... such as at this moment... I find that I can't write as freely about living there as a child. I'll have to wait until another time. For some reason... I could cry right now ... thinking about them. I loved them with my heart... we all loved them with our hearts.
I never heard anyone of the family ever say anything 'bad' about them. For now, I'll have to stop writing about them, it's been many years since they've been gone... for some reason I'm feeling pain thinking about them. Normally... I could write about them, their life, my life ....
I know it seems so much has been sad in my life... that's true. So much was good-bad, too. There have been some really nice things that have and do ... happen in my life. I treasure those things in my mind, they send off sparks of colors when I think about them.
I remember just before my Grandmother Lola died, how impressed she'd been when I began writing letters to her often, I'd make the envelopes special by drawing on the outside of them, and make the 'stationery'.
She loved my work... I remember feeling 'proud' that my Grandmother Lola loved my artwork. I'd never made her letters so special in the years prior to that... did I know she was going to die? I think I did, my Grandmother Lola was 100 years old. She was 'still herself'.
I just realized I was sitting here with my head held down, tears in my eyes ... tonight it's hard to write about them. I wonder if they all knew how much I loved them? How I wish I could see them again.
I wonder 'why' I began writing about them as I sat here thinking about what I'd write about? I know that I don't ever want to forget about them... they each played a big part in my life when I was little. They fed me, let me live in their homes, loved me... I know, I remember seeing tears in their eyes... for me.
Thank-you Grandma Alma, George, Grandmother Lola for caring for me when you didn't have to... Lord only knows where I'd been 'thrown to'... if it weren't for you.
I have been feeling alot of sadness... I let myself 'feel' that way... but, only for a little while. I don't think I will write anymore about them tonight... I will at a later time... when I can. I am amazed that this has happened to me... 'I can't go back into my memories tonight... it's too painful'. I might begin crying, I don't want to do that... I won't dwell here ... for now.
Goodnight everyone. Though I feel sad tonight... I know everything is going to be alright. All of this just comes from loving so much ... memories, I wish they didn't hurt so much.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)