EACH OF YOU ADD YOUR SUNSHINE... YOUR LIGHT TO THE PATH I'M ON NOW
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES
aka GRANNY GEE
You know how it is when a thought/thoughts get stuck in your mind. They come suddenly, don't leave suddenly.
I was thinking about ... 'after Tommy died'... a letter I read. There were several sentences about me in the letter. It wasn't written to be unkind toward me, but... I thought to myself when I read it ...about 'how easy' it is to 'just say nonchalantly' such things... when you've never lost a child.
It's true that what was written ...does happen to people. It is like when these words are said... the person they are said about... is 'written off to not being any good anymore... their mind will be gone for always'.
You know what I mean... like in the past people used to say that if a woman has a hysterectomy, her mind will be gone, she'll be 'crazy' the rest of her life. After that... she's never taken seriously again because 'now'... one 'knows she's not right'. Well... most of us know that ...that's not true at all. Sure, some people are different later... but, not as a general rule.
You've seen people like me lose their child, only child, children. Some of you have experienced that so, you are careful how you say things because... 'you' know how it feels, you know that terrible grief that stays in your heart, day after day, year after year... the rest of your life.
You do get much better, because we all want to go forward in our lives. We have loved ones that we are a part of... they need us. In my case... I have Skip and our Pups... they need me. We do get better, even though we 'hurt at the same time'.
We learn to not let that pain through time... dominate our lives so, we can be 'normal, happy'... again. This is a very hard thing to accomplish. I feel I have passed the 'danger point'... and I'm normal, happy again. I still have the grief 'inside' in its own place, sometimes it does 'overwhelm' me.
The words I read were something like this..... 'Gloria's lost her son, Tommy, now... she'll probably never be the same again, it'll do something to her mind'......she won't be able to function now... as a person ever again... mentally... 'she's gone'.
Strange how this thought came to me this morning... I thought about it alot. Truthfully... I can look back and 'see back then'.........
Yes, it did do something to my mind for a long time... if it wasn't for Skip... I may have 'stayed in my mind back then'. I wouldn't have been able to come out of that... no, not from the death of my son. I couldn't have found my way back... I couldn't see for that black darkness.
I can 'see how' a mother who loses her child... can become lost 'in her mind' and 'never be right again mentally'. I did 'go there in my mind'... if there's no one to reach her and 'pull her back'... she might not be able to come back... ever again.
Imagine being lost in the forest in the blackest of nights, no moonlight to guide you... no sounds, only this most terrible grief inside your mind, you are by yourself.... you have 'nowhere to go to get away from the pain... it stays right with you... killing something inside you... you aren't aware of time.
You aren't aware of anyone around... you can sense them. You want to get to them... but, you keep stumbling, tripping, falling to only keep getting back up... to try again. Finally... you 'give up'... you are so 'lost' ... now............ nothing is important anymore..................unless...........
Like me... I 'knew' Skip was there and he wasn't letting me go anywhere without a fight. Pure love, pure caring ... found me. The sounds of his voice, the sounds of our Pups... feeling them lick me :))) ... began to make me aware of them ... again.
Light began 'reaching me' on that dark path, it seemed to take forever to try to get to it... I would fall down, fall down again, and again... crying, sobbing from the pain in my heart. I wanted to 'come back' to ... my world to Skip who cared for me with his very heart, our Pups who loved me. They are all I have in this world, this whole wide world.
There were people who pretended to care... it was mostly curiosity to 'see how bad Gloria is taking the loss of Tommy'... it was something they could talk about to make conversations more interesting. I know mothers who have lost children... know exactly what I am talking about. People sometimes 'think you won't remember things they say... do'... if and when 'you become yourself again'. It's the same when you are a little child... people don't think that child will remember things when they get older.
This is the second Easter without Tommy... next month on the 29th will make 2 years he has been gone. I have to sit here and remember... it's so hard to 'look back'. That's why it's so important 'to go forward, try not to look back any longer than you have to'. It makes me think of something that happened to me once....
In the mountains when I lived there, I went swimming with a group of people. I couldn't swim, but... I could float. I remember being told to 'just float on across that drop-off in the water, if something happens to you, I'll save you'....
I did just that, trusting 'I'd be saved' if something would happen... I did it not looking back until.... I got 'over that drop-off in the water that was over my head'... I began to panic, soon I was fighting for my life!
The person who told me to 'float, if something happens, I'll save you'.... began talking to the people on the shore and 'forgot me'. I began drowning, fighting to live ... to come back from that darkness, that water where I could no longer breathe, I was dying..... until strong arms pulled me out of the water. This is alot like what Skip did when I was in that 'sea of grief'... he was my lifesaver.
When I 'look back and know I'm back then'... I begin to panic, and become overwhelmed by the pain. I try to just keep going forward... you, my readers, my friends, few family members who have been with me this whole time... are a witness to this. You 'see me fall', you know it in my words, my thoughts You see me work so hard to keep growing, going forward in a positive way... no matter how bad it hurts.
Skip, my Pups, my readers and friends, my few family members .... are so important to me. You see... each of you add your sunshine, your light to the path I'm on now. You all light my path so, I can keep going... you help me not to be afraid, you keep the darkness away from me. I still stumble... but, you all are there. It means my whole world.
You all mean the world to me... Love, Granny Gee
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)