BRUISED AIR... COLORS OF ANGER... LIGHT OF LIFE
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE
I've been thinking alot about anger lately. I know I've carried my share in my heart alot in my life. I know there are at least two things I can say for certain about... anger. I know this from experiencing it firsthand and... I've carried anger to all degrees since I was a little girl.
I didn't ever want to carry anger around with me in my life... but, so much happened in my life to build it up. Instead of striking out at others, ending up a really bad person... I kept it locked 'inside'.
Locked inside ... trying not to hurt others... but, sometimes that's not possible. I feel anger twice as much when someone provokes it from me... because I don't want to be mad at anyone.
Since I'm human, and I'm 'Gloria'... I do feel it whether I like it or not.. from time to time. Afterwards... I feel bad. I'm older now, I know this much about anger... especially the two 'sure things'....
The first being this... 'anger' is the heaviest load I've ever carried in my whole life. I've carried lots of it, I know this to be true.
The second thing being... angry words 'bruise the air' when spoken. Angry words bruise the very air around you when spoken. Haven't you ever been so angry and said many hateful things (alot you really don't mean at the time you are angry)? Haven't you felt the 'pure air around you become dark, bruised'?
Even if the anger leaves rapidly... the 'air is still bruised around you'... for some time. It's disturbing... it doesn't feel good. You keep trying to do things to make the air 'clear' again... the air 'feel good' again around you.
The next time you lose your temper... 'feel the air around you, sense it', remember what Granny Gee said. The air doesn't feel good at all from anger because words are 'slapping each other around, crashing words, exploding words, just the most awful of words'... they are fighting, they are 'bruising the very air you breathe'.
I think after reading this.... you'll never forget what I've just said. I'd never heard of 'bruised air' until the other day when I was thinking of the colors I feel inside from anger... I was trying to describe it to myself, I was thinking how awful it is to feel anger toward people in one's life.
All of a sudden... the words 'bruised air' came to my mind... I began thinking about that... in my mind I could see the air become bruised with black, violent red, lightening yellow from anger.
I thought about how even when you don't feel the anger after having harsh words... the air doesn't clear up right away. It takes time... like a bruise on one's skin.
It has to go through a 'color cycle' as it 'heals up'.... the bruise 'stays sore' during this process until... it finally goes away. I was seeing in my mind how 'ugly the colors' are on the skin as it heals... I was comparing the colors of anger with that in my mind. I determined 'the colors of anger' are ugly indeed...they are awful, they linger in the very air around one when they are mad.
I know... I've carried enough anger inside me my whole life even though... I love with my very heart most everyone, everything. I carry anger from things forced upon me as a little innocent girl to being a 'big' girl. I carry anger from the unfairness of life, people that have touched mine .... uninvited.
I carry anger from many different sources.... one being that when I'm in pain... I'm angry when I hurt. From the time I was a little girl... if someone hurt me physically... it made me angry. I would pop someone in a heartbeat until I got older... I learned to not do that.
As a young person... I would hold my ground and all it took was... someone to try and push me off from it. As young people we think we are invincible... all of us 'older people' smile now thinking about that... we all know better.
I will say this though... maybe it's a good thing that as a younger person we do think we are invincible... because we would have never accomplished alot of things 'back then' if we hadn't 'believed' it.
So... there is a time in life we 'have to believe we truly are invincible'... we learn soon enough... that we aren't. As a young person that is the farthest thing from our mind. We are strong and we will 'kick ass if need be'.....
Getting alittle older... I now think about all things, anger being one. When a person becomes older... they can 'see' differently. Though I will say sometimes.. there are people who have never tried to learn lessons from life... who go on just as blind to understanding 'the whys' of life.
They don't learn anything... their minds are forever .... dense. They only look as 'far as their nose'... narrow-minded. I am sad for them... their minds never opened enough to let the 'light of life' inside to all those dark corners in their mind. They only see the colors of ... either black or white their whole lifetime.
I don't have time to focus on what they see... I have to focus on the colors of my life. I see many happy colors... I've seen many dark colors as well. My air has been bruised from time to time in my life... alot of times from events that have taken place in my life... all uninvited.
I've had to learn 'life's lessons'.... I've had to learn to let the 'light of life' back into all those dark corners after each 'bad' thing happened in my life. I'd like to say that after many times of unhappy things happening in my life over the years.... that I 'know the drill'.... that I quickly got happy again, lost all my anger, never felt bruised air again, I was 'perfect' again.
Not so.... no, that didn't happen... ever. Granny Gee sure isn't perfect at all. She really tries but, no.... she can't ever be. She'll never try to be ... ever again in her life. That's because for several years she really tried to be... she focused on being just as perfect as one could possibly be ... to make people love her.... they did... especially when 'they could walk on her kindness'.
She dressed perfectly, she looked perfect in body... every hair in place at all times... how many times did I sleep 'perfectly' so, as not to mess a hair up or put a line in my face? I tried to never-ever say a mean word or think bad about anyone... even when I wasn't treated right. I tried to never feel anger. I put my feelings ...last.
I couldn't decide to go to the store without having to dress perfectly... I'd shower, dress, make sure all that makeup was in place.... my hair beautiful... that I looked beautiful.
I couldn't dare let anyone see me look so...... human, and imperfect. I never could relax, I never could relax because someone might 'see me as myself'! Just an ordinary girl... who was just as pretty without all of that stress of .... trying to be 'just right'.
Think about three years.... I am laughing now... at how 'dumb' I was as a younger woman some times. Anyway... I've not 'been perfect' since the day I found out that I wasn't.... when a woman said something about me, I'll never forget the shock of that.
I'll never forget Shirley, the woman who told me ....'Gloria, no matter how good you are... someone's going to say something bad about you, doesn't matter who you are'.
Thank-you, Shirley, for 'waking me up'... because in place of that 'perfect being' is now the most 'imperfect being' you've ever seen. I quit wasting my time.
I found out after that... I was liked just as well, maybe better. Though... I will admit there were some people who went into shock of not seeing 'perfect Gloria' whom they could run over top of knowing 'she wouldn't dare get mad... she's too nice to do that'!
Anger.... yes, Granny Gee still harbors anger in her heart... all the while knowing it isn't healthy, it contributes to one's health problems. The positive thing is that I am constantly 're-adjusting, rethinking' any anger there to make it less... and less.
The pain I feel in my body every moment of my life makes me feel anger... just from hurting 'always'... but, most of the time I smile. I smile until... more pain comes along from any source stretching the limit of my pain threshold that I've become used to living with. It's like ..... over-filling a glass of water.
Sometimes, though I try not to... I strike out with words when I'm in 'extra' pain.... I pay attention to myself if I ever do. I don't like those colors of anger... anymore than I like... bruised air.
I strive hard to let the light of life into my very soul... always. I'm not perfect... but, I really try. I fail alot, but, I never stop trying.... and trying ... and trying.
I don't enjoy feeling bruised air around me, nor the colors of anger... but, when the light of life enters the dark places in my heart, soul... there's no feeling like it! It's the best.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)