Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/aka GRANNY GEE
Mama.... my mama. My mother's smile was beautiful, especially when she bestowed it on... me. In my mind's eye, I can see the light in her beautiful blue eyes, the way they lit up when she used to see me. Her smile made me feel that she was always glad to see me. I miss my mama.
I chose to live in North Carolina to be close to her, my family. I loved my mom very much. I loved my brothers, my mother's husband very much. They were good to me. When I needed them, they took me into their home to live. I felt safe, protected. I was a very young woman at that time.
I miss the 'family' I knew at that time. They are all gone now. Some have died, others drifted away. The strange thing is that only a very few miles separate us... it doesn't matter, it could just as well be a 'million' miles. I've learned to deal with that... I no longer reach out to anyone. I love them, I understand. Life goes on.
My mother's husband treated me very good, I came to know him as my father. He was the only father I ever knew, ever.... loved. He was real, he never mistreated me, he would tell me I was his daughter. He would always 'be there'....
My mother's husband forgot that when my mother died. He no longer wanted me to be around. When we'd take him things to make him happy, things to eat, to wear... after mom died... he began to act differently toward us. He was seeing women... now, it was time for us to move on. He was no longer ...'my father'... he forgot what he said all those years when I knew him as 'father'.
It's been a very long time since I've seen him. I saw him once meeting him in a doorway of a store.... I held that door open for him, all the while smiling at him... I was happy to see him, until..................
'Thank-you, ma'am, I appreciate it', he said. His eyes didn't recognize me... he'd forgotten. I used to be his daughter whom he was proud of, he loved. I never forgot how much I loved him. Now, he has become much older and more fragile. I heard sometime ago, he couldn't understand 'why, Faye didn't come to see him now'.
He has forgotten so many things. Life is sad... it's more sad as a person 'becomes old'.... they begin to be childlike, innocent, they forgot they hurt someone a long time ago. Someone who depended on them being in her life ... forever. She trusted he'd be her father... always. He forgot.