Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
I Earned The Right To Use That Word!
I Earned The Right To Use That Word...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
At this very moment, I am sitting here thinking about the phone call I received yesterday evening. I have one word for it... "damn"!
You know I use that one word when I am disgusted, or when something happens out of my control... it's not meant to be ugly at all. It's a word I feel I earned the right to use as a little five year old girl.
I sat playing with my tea set under the huge oak tree in front of my home. I was sitting on a white sandy spot in the grass... the sand became 'tea' for my tiny teacups. As I sat there drinking 'tea', an idea came to me. Actually, a vision came into my mind.......
My Grandma Alma.... I saw her take a little shiny tin can from her dress pocket. I was fascinated as I watched her take the little lid off with her good hand. She laid the lid down on her lap so, it wouldn't become lost as she.... I was really watching her good hand now.
That good hand raised the little shiny tin can up to her mouth! She tilted that little can until something brown began falling into her mouth, her lip.. as she pulled on her lip all the while holding that little can.
"I want some! Grandma, I want some"! Grandma Alma looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes, told me no, that I couldn't have any. Of course, I asked 'why'... she told me that I couldn't have any of that snuff because it would make me sick.
Sitting there with my tea set with my cups full of sand.... in my eyes my cups held tea, and whatever I wanted in them. My eyes began to see something else.... snuff!
I was seeing in my mind my Grandma Alma putting that snuff inside her lip. I was going to dip snuff! I took the tiny cup of 'snuff', raised it to my mouth... pulled my lip forward... dumped that cup of 'snuff' into it!
"Damn"! I was choking... I began using the new word I'd heard someone say. I was saying 'damn, damn, damn'! as I was jerked up by strong arms. I heard my mama tell me that was a bad word, that I wasn't going to be saying that word! She was going to 'wash it right out of my mouth'!
She rushed me to the bathroom sink, grabbed the bar of Ivory soap, handed it to me. "Wash your mouth out with this soap", she said in a furious voice. She made me wash my mouth out with Ivory soap to get that word out of it!
I was mad by now... I'd been choking on my 'snuff', and now, choking and wanting to throw up from Ivory soap in my mouth. Bubbles were coming out of my mouth!
As my mama helped me to rinse out my mouth to finish cleaning that 'dirty' word out.... I kept thinking 'damn, damn, damn'! I didn't dare to say it aloud... I didn't like the taste or how that Ivory soap felt in my mouth!
Yesterday evening when I hung up my cellphone, I said 'damn'! I was just told that Curves had just closed its doors for the last time. I'd just been there earlier. That place has meant so much to me... now, without notice.... it's not going to be open anymore.
It has made all the difference in my mental outlook since Tommy died. I have been going for seventeen months now. Not only that... it has made the difference in my weight, and being able to move my body better... my body stays full of pain. There's never a minute without pain.
I fell on June 27th at Curves, hurting my left hip... adding more pain to pain. My foot tripped on the recovery board next to one of the machines... the machine was too close to the board.
I know I am going to miss Curves, and I also, know that I will be walking now. If I didn't... I would end up in a chair in my older age..... like my mama, her siblings. I call it 'the curse of the sisters'...
I don't want any part of being 'trapped in a chair' for the rest of my life. Grandma Alma was trapped for the last twenty-some years of her life... paralyzed. I feel like I'm suffocating when thinking about that.
I have to battle pain constantly from the surgeries I've undergone, never a minute goes by without ...pain. I'm not complaining, mind you... I'm thankful to feel it... it means I'm here... I love life. I will battle the pain, no matter how bad it hurts.
I have a heart condition due to adriamycin, one of the chemotherapy drugs used in my treatment. The type of exercises in Curves was 'just right' for me. Thankfully, I had begun walking so, I have that to fall back on... so, everything is going to be alright.
I am going to miss Curves... 'damn'! :))) I don't mean that to be ugly!