Thursday, August 16, 2012

'Write Out The Pain'...

I'm So Sad...  I Didn't Mean To Hurt You

'Write Out The Pain'..........

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I am sitting here feeling sick on my stomach.  You know the feeling when someone hurts you to the heart... someone you love dearly, never knew was upset with you?

A short time ago, I was on my Facebook, commented on my nephew's FB page about college, seeing the banner welcoming students for this fall.  

I thought of him... I always think of him, and his brother... my nephews.  I've always loved them, but ... we only occasionally run into each other.  It's been like that all through the years.

My family has always been distant to each other.  Some love each other, some don't.  I love my brother, the father of my nephews.  He and I know we love each other though our life takes different paths.  In fact, he and I spoke to each other not long ago saying these very words... the same words all through time.

My nephew replied back to me something to the effect of 'remember when?'  It concerned all through the years we haven't seen each other.. rather... that I haven't kept in touch through time.  I never imagined I'd hurt him, or his brother... and they thought that way about 'me'.  I always felt hurt 'because none of them ever got in touch with me'.

Isn't it upsetting, strange to find out that 'you... who never wants to hurt anyone... did 'just that?'  For the moment ... I want to feel angry, but... how can I?  It's true.  How 'many million times have I been through this' my entire life.  I know what that child feels... he doesn't know anything but, Aunt Gloria hurt him.

It's true... that I stayed away from everyone... I felt I 'was the one hurt'... I chose not to feel it again.  Out of the blue... I find out I 'caused pain' to two, precious nephews whom I've always loved.  How sad is that?  How 'bad' is that?  How long have they been hurting?  

I am devastated at this very moment... I hold back the tears because it'll upset Skip.  It could cause me to not be able to stop crying because... lately, there's been too much death... people that I truly loved with my heart through the years.. have died.  Tommy's gone... this combination does something to me... I might not stop crying if I begin.  

I have to stop it everytime I begin at this moment... I feel physical pain inside...  it's a combination of pure grief, pure pain from not meaning to hurt someone I love.  It's pain from knowing I can't change what he thinks of me.  It's just pure, raw pain.  How could he ever know that I would never-ever hurt him or his brother, my precious nephews?  

In an email ..I told him that he was too young to know this kind of stuff has been going on through time.  Truthfully, he doesn't realize 'we are both victims of it'.  I don't know how to go about telling him.  I don't want to say something negative about anyone, cause more grief.  We all have suffered through time from pain caused by not knowing, understanding... no one will talk to the other about what hurts.  

We all have so much pride...I don't know how to tell, explain to him 'all of these things that have happened through the last years.... no one came around when I almost died, when Skip came close to death, our house burned down, the death of family, the death of my son... so, many more things.  No one came...everyone lived within 5 to 25 miles of us.  

No one came.... did you know that I never held a grudge because 'I already knew 'how we all were'....?  I haven't forgotten, I didn't hold anger at anyone... I do hurt if I allow myself to 'look back'.... I normally don't unless I'm writing about my life to tell a story.

I don't know if I have the strength to talk about it to anyone in person... I'm so tired in this respect.  Sometimes could talk until they are 'blue in the face'... it wouldn't matter.  I am going to choose to just 'write out the pain'... maybe someday he'll 'read here' to know at least alittle of how it makes me feel.  

I've seen he has a kind heart, he loves animals, he's not afraid of expressing his love.... they are all wonderful qualities in such a young man.  He can be himself... and not care if others don't like it.  I'm proud of him, and my other nephew.

When people in 'my family' make up their minds.... there's no changing it.  No changing it at all...  he doesn't know it... he has opened a big wound that has formed 'scars over and over on that same place' before he was ever born.

We are both victims... he's too young to know.  He just knows 'his aunt Gloria hurt him'.  Aunt Gloria never knew, she never meant to... now, this is something I am sitting here thinking about... I could cry.  

I could tell him that they hurt me, too.  Really... what would that accomplish?  He was a child 'back then'... he isn't a part of that pain.  Why would I keep 'throwing wood on the fire' with a beautiful, young person who wouldn't understand one word that I had to say?   He is feeling something I caused him to feel a long time ago... I'm just discovering what I've done.  Gracious...

I think I'm 'going to choose my battles' in this instance.  I am not choosing this one... he will have to go through life thinking 'bad' of me.  Isn't that so sad?  I can't change a thing here.  Now... it's time to pretend not to see each other if .. we cross paths... how many times in my life has this happen?  Since I was big enough to learn, to feel how it feels to happen.

I'm so sorry, Devin... this hurts me to my heart.  I never knew I hurt you... never would I have guessed that.  My heart is really hurting now... it feels 'too heavy' for me to hold myself up... for now, I will go lay down.  I will just have to 'write out the pain.'

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