Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Thursday, August 23, 2012
They Don't Need To Know When She's Dead... They Never Cared When She Was Alive....
They Don't Need To Know She's Dead... They Never Cared When She Was Alive.............................
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
"Remember when you didn't come to see us for four years?" 'Levi' asked his aunt on Facebook.
"Yes, I remember, " she replied... wondering 'why' he would ask that question. She knew that when she and her husband would visit her brother, his family... her brother's wife would never come out to see them. She was ... always asleep. No one would be overly-excited that they came to visit... the boys would watch tv, forgetting they were there. They were children.
Alot of times they went to see them, but... no one ever returned the visit. No one came when she almost died... she kept the vision of them in her mind all these years... twelve years.
The vision as she sees it in her mind is of her in the most weakened state she'd ever been in her entire life. Her husband had helped her to walk out onto the front porch to get fresh air... she wasn't able to walk out on her own. She had almost died, had major surgery, and at this time fighting to get to the point that her body could handle chemotherapy treatments.
She was drugged heavily with medicines... more medicines than she'd ever taken in her life. She fought for her life for three years, and several times after that... no one came to see her... they all lived a few miles from her... it must have been too far for them to ... come.
"Do you remember when my brother and I helped you with your project?" her nephew asked her.
Of course, she remembered. She had talked to her husband about who would help to drill the hundreds of holes in her logs to be injected with Shiitake mushroom spawn. They agreed to ask her two nephews, to pay them well to help her. She remembers being excited to see them. She enjoyed every moment spent with her nephews, she felt they liked being there at her home. She hoped that would begin a lasting relationship...... again... nothing.
Her mind goes back to that one vision her mind has held onto all these twelve years. She is sitting on the porch with her feet on the top steps, her body wracked with pain from the surgery she'd just undergone. Her husband sat beside her, holding her hand.... talking gently to her.
They lived in town, there was a constant stream of traffic passing by their front porch. On car in particular slowed down, the horn was blown... hands appeared in every window ... waving at her. She thought she could see happy smiles on everyone's faces...... her brother, his wife, two sons.
They all drove by waving merrily.... as she sat there 'knowing' in her mind they must 'have forgotten to slow down enough to turn in to their house, to come see her'. Her husband sat there stunned as they drove merrily on their way, he remarked that he didn't believe they 'just drove by when her brother knew his sister had almost died, was now fighting to survive...cancer'.
She told her husband that they would be back, just give them a few minutes... she knew they loved her, they would come back. She is still 'waiting for them to come back'........................................................... it's just been .... twelve years.
"Do you remember you never came to see us after we helped you?" She replied, "yes, I remember".
"Do you remember four years later we helped you to move, you never come to see us?" She replied, "yes, I remember".
As she sat there wondering what he was getting at with his questions, she thought about how she'd called her brother, seen him from time to time, talked to him.... hoping that would spark up a relationship where he'd call, stop by sometime.
It never happened.... it was like trying to light a fireplace with a wet match... never could one 'feel the warmth from that fire'... it wasn't going to be.
She read the question again, typed by her nephew on Facebook. She decided to switch over to private message... this was all public. It innocently began when she typed a message on his Facebook, commenting on passing the college he'd soon attend. She saw the welcoming students' banner, she thought of him, how he must be excited to begin college. So innocent...
Yes, she remembered when they moved. She was still in a state of shock from her son's death, they'd decided to move six months later. She wanted to get away from where they lived. It was too isolated for her, she 'kept seeing her son there the evening before he died.... up on top of the house, in the driveway, on the sidewalk, where he talked to her, hugged her'.
She kept going to the picnic table where he sat, to enjoy sandwiches she made for him. He'd come to pressure-wash their home with his equipment. She would constantly walk to each place he was at ... talking to him... seeing him that 'last evening.... but, he was gone. She couldn't 'quit reliving the last moments spent with her son'.........................................
No one came to comfort her, no one came to say 'I'm sorry your son is gone'. The months rolled by by... into a couple of years... still no one came to offer comfort, condolences.
Yes, she remembered.... she and her husband decided to get her two nephews, and brother to come help them move. They didn't need them to help... her husband's friends were moving them, not charging them anything.
She told her husband that she would pay her brother, her nephews... that way she could see them... and make some money, too. She never wanted her family to 'do anything free for her'... so that later 'it wouldn't be said that she took advantage'. She didn't think they would... but, in her family...... one never knew.
Even in the state of shock, grief she was in... she remembered how happy she was to see them. Amazed at how her nephews had grown up so handsome, so soft-spoken and... well-mannered. She loved them with her heart.
She remembered standing in the living of their new home, looking at them.... then saying to them... 'don't forget me'. She loved them, she didn't want them to grow up, go on to forget her.
When all the moving was done, she paid each of them .... all along they'd given many things to them. Nice coats, scrap metal to sell, a wicker headboard for a king bed, all kinds of things... to let them know how much it meant just to see them, and to show appreciation for what they did.
She hoped they'd call, come back... they only lived a few miles from her. At the 'old' place .... it was only a .... few miles... too. No one called... no one came....
She saw where they were on Facebook, she reached out once again to have some kind of relationship with her nephews. At times they would answer her, especially her other nephew, 'Luke'. Each time they would respond to her, it warmed her heart. She never did it often... knowing young guys could feel embarassed with 'older' people making over them.
When she commented on the welcoming banner, she never expected to be hurt as she was. Never thought it'd come from that direction... one of her precious nephews. The pain she felt......
Days went by, in the back of her mind all that was said in typed words, simmered like a pot of soup. When all was done, she felt she knew 'why' he hurt her like he did...........
He was feeling 'himself' as we all do when we are young people... when we think we have the world by its tail, and we are going to be successful, maybe famous 'one day'. He won a golf scholarship to go to college, and people jokingly called him 'Tiger Wood'.... and she thought getting ready to embark on his new journey in life... made him feel he had to 'play the remembering game because he is famous in his mind'.
Did he think 'she wanted in on his glory'? Did she want to be able to say 'I know someone famous, or related to them'? This is what she felt..... she felt 'already in his mind he thinks he's famous'.... and if he hurts others as he hurt her intentionally..... he is going to have so much to learn.
He's so young that he hasn't learned 'that no matter how high you fly, you've got to come back down'. A person doesn't hurt people who really love them... you are so fortunate to have them. They are rare, hard to come by.
She sat there thinking how a innocent, happy comment brought her such grief... in the most unexpected direction. Her nephew ....'of all people'. In her mind after several days of grieving once again for 'loss of yet another loved one'............... she decided 'once again'........... life goes on.
She has to go with the flow of it.... this is the last of 'family' for her. It no longer matters anymore.... it's all said and done. She has learned her lesson... the hard way... it took many years, the final straw was her nephew, someone she would have expected more from, and loved dearly.
She hopes her nephew will succeed in college, go on to live his dream. He's a fine boy... one who has a big heart, loves animals, loves his girlfriend, not afraid to say or be different, to stand out from the crowd.... just the kind of person people love. She's proud of him.... she's proud of both, Levi and Luke. No matter what, she loves them.
If only someone could have called to explain 'why'.... now, it's too late. The 'day has come'.......... she has learned her place... it sure isn't in the family she was born in... nor in the family that is 'left'.
She sat talking to her husband, she instructed him that 'when the day came'.... and she died.... to not tell any of her family. They don't need to know when 'she's dead'......... they never cared when she was... alive.