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grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I Feel Afraid Sometimes... I Fear Death
I Feel Afraid Sometimes... I Fear Death
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Sometimes.... I become afraid. I began worrying about... death. I've never worried so much in my life as I have in the past ten years about death.
Everyone I've loved in my lifetime...have died. There are only a few people left in my family that I love dearly... but, in real life... we don't even acknowledge each other. That's all right... I understand 'why'. 'It's in our genes... we can't help it... when we try to love the other... it can't be 'forever'. We can't help it... it's all we knew to do... we grew up that way.
The strange thing is that each time someone I've loved... died... it hurt me deeply. No matter that I wasn't close to them, ever saw them... my memories of them were 'back when we were close at one time or other'... I remember that love... love I felt for them 'when I knew them'.
In my 'family'... nothing is ever permanent. We can feel the greatest love only for a short time for the other... and like a candle... 'the wind blows it out'. Once gone... the 'candle can never be lit again'... that special love once felt is... forever gone. Hate, disgust, anger, dislike ... takes its place.
Sometimes, worse than that.... no emotions takes its place... it's like that person doesn't exist anymore. Who cares? We grew up like that... it no longer matter. Isn't that awful?
Life is like that in ... my 'family'. If someone dies, no one cares... I have heard some say, "I'm glad they are dead, they can't bother no one else with their s___!" "The world is better off without them in it." What they really mean is they are glad, they are better off because that person can't torment them anymore.
How did I get born into my 'family'? I'm different... I really love each and every one... even when they have hurt me, done wrong to me, said mean things about me, or don't like me. God... 'why did I have a heart that loves?' 'Why' do 'I' have to feel emotions ... 'why' can't I be like 'them'?
I never forget that special love, caring I once felt... that's 'why' I hurt. I'm not like the rest ... I always love, forgive, go on. I never forget... though once my trust is broken... the trust is 'forever gone'... but, not the love in my heart. If I could take all that love out of my my heart... I would never feel pain. I can't... so, there is so much pain in my heart. I don't forget, I don't quit loving... I do quit trusting, I keep my distance.
I am better at 'loving from a distance'... I have to do it in 'my way'. Only a few people can understand this about me. Once they did, they respected how I feel... they can see there is no pressure on the other to 'prove love'... such as 'if you do this, that... it'll show me that you love me'. I grew up with this... if you don't do it... then, that's the end of the relationship.
I'll never forget one of my cousins whom I loved as a brother, hurt me deeply only months before he died. Some say he committed suicide... one day he called me up to ask me to do something for him. This is someone I have only seen a couple of times since I was a child... asking me to do something I felt I couldn't, wouldn't do. I didn't know 'him' anymore, I didn't want to get involved.
When I said 'no, I really don't want to do that'... he became very irate with me. He began trying to 'make me feel like I had to'. I took a stand, I held my ground... 'no, I won't do it'. He slammed the phone down, I never got to speak to him again.
He couldn't understand that after all these years of growing up... we weren't little children again who would 'do anything to keep the love of the other one'... get into trouble if necessary.
I didn't know him well enough as an adult to do what he asked... I wouldn't get in trouble as an adult 'if necessary'... to keep him loving me, to be my friend.
I did get to see him on one occasion just weeks before he .... died. I was sitting in the Walmart parking lot when I saw someone walking close by. I was thinking there was something familiar about this person. It was him.
I turned my head, felt a sadness beyond words in my heart... watched him walk toward his vehicle. He never saw me. I sat there with a sad smile on my face thinking... 'I'm so sorry you hate me now, I'm so sorry you had to get mad at me'. 'I just couldn't do as you asked me'. At that moment... my heart felt such pain... I really loved him.
We were born a few weeks apart as babies... he was born in January, I was born in February, we shared the same baby bed... we were told how we would fight then... and a partition was put between us to prevent fighting. Once I sat on him and he bit me on my behind... I remember the laughs when that was told as we were growing up. I really... loved him.
I never saw him again... I remember the shock when I was told that he committed suicide, and how everyone was saying they didn't believe he did that... and went on to elaborate on 'why, who, what'. I really loved him, I felt such sorrow in my heart.
I have been worried about Skip. He is my whole world, my most special person in this whole world. He truly is the one person left in ... my world. Without him... I would be completely alone. He and our Pups... are 'why' I am still... here. When my child died... I almost died, literally.
Skip and our Pups... pulled me back.... like how you would see someone continually pulling a rope that's connected on a rowboat, pulling me back to shore... the boat being lost out to sea tossing, turning. They held on.... they didn't 'let go' of me... if they had... I wouldn't be here writing now.
Skip and our Pups used all their strength to keep me from 'going on to just overturn, drown in that sea of grief'... because surely I would have. My child died... a very real part of me ... died. I don't have my child anymore. I didn't care anymore... I didn't think any farther than ... Tommy is dead... my child is really ...dead. He's gone forever.
Just sitting here at this very moment... I realize how sobering, how serious, how 'more than my words can possibly say'... how painful, how awful this is. My only real 'blood' family is ... gone. The 'one family member whom I totally trusted for once in my very life with my love'... is gone.
Tommy, you are gone... it hurts me so much. Sometimes, the thin veil that's hiding my grief... falls off... the deepest pain stabs me in my very heart. For a moment .. this moment... it just slipped off. As tears are falling, I am pulling the veil back into place... I have to hide it.
There's no one else left in my family... no bonds, no special ties to another family member...to the end. All were broken many years ago... I feel sad but, understand the 'whys'. In my whole life, I've learned... 'life is like that'... get up, pick up the pieces and trudge on. Try not to look back... try not to feel that pain... it really does hurt too bad.
Truthfully, there are a few family members that I do feel a connection to... but, I keep my distance so, as not lose that. I can 'love at a distance', treasure a relationship only.... at a distance. To not feel anymore pain ... I can't bear more pain of loving others whom I know 'could stop loving at any moment' as our 'family history' has shown through time. They could even.... die.
Even as I write this... I know death is a very real part of our reality. I know that it's a part of... living. I know we are born, we live... we die. It's life. No matter that I don't like that, fear that... death is inevitable. You, I ... they, them, anyone.... can't change that fact. We all are going to ... die. Our children are going to die, their children are... going to die. We can't change that ...fact of life. Life, death is... like that. You can't have one without the other.
The good thing here is... living 'before' dying. This is where we meet the special children that are born to us. Know the special family members in our life. This is where our special memories come from... from these people who have died before us... this is what makes us smile, even feel happy from thinking about them. If they hadn't lived... there'd be no memory of them to think about.
How sad when people forget about people who have lived a very real life... just like we are doing now. How sad that it all will have been for nothing if no one can remember you... were here at one time on this earth.
That's why I'm writing... everyone I write about 'has been here'... they really lived. My child lived, he was walking, talking, breathing just like your son is... he was... real. They all died... my son died.... yours could, too. I'm not the only mother who has lost their son, their child. But... I am the only mother who can ever feel pain from losing 'this son'... this child named..Tommy.
Death... yes, it worries me. I worry for the very few people I truly love in this world. Skip and I both are alone... no family left that are close. We don't have a 'family support' system. Thankfully, we do have... friends who care.
Family support system... do you know how fortunate you are when you have family members who are there when you cry, you face surgery, you are going through bad times in your life? I don't know how that feels, nor is it possible to ever feel it in my older years... it can't be any other way.
It can't be any other way... it took so many years to grow up to accept... nothing is permanent in my ........ family. There isn't a support system there, never has been, never will be like other families. I've never seen any sign of one in all my years.
I've paid close attention, listened... watched through all the years as this has fascinated me. It's just the way it is... no more, no less. It may seem 'bad' to others who've been fortunate enough to know real love, have real family. You see... since I've never known it... I don't miss it now..... and if I had it now... I would... not trust it. It's always been since growing up that 'we can be friends ...just for the moment'. 'I will like you today... but, not tomorrow'. 'What are you going to give me... to like you... for now?'
Death.... when Tommy died... that was the ultimate for me. God.. I lost my only child... Tommy. Tommy died... Tommy, whom I had the one permanent bond with. I lost the only one person in my life whom loved me right back... just as much as I loved him.... and oh my goodness... he was my family, a very real part of me!
It was taken away... the only real family I've ever known. We were always there for the other... and Skip, Tommy and I were ...real family... the most 'real family' I've ever known. We 'were there for the other' no matter what, through thick or thin. We 'knew' we loved each other, trusted each other... and when we had no one else... we had each other.
Now... it's only Skip and I. Can you imagine how much we love, treasure the other? How close we are? Do you know that we both speak at the same time, say the same things... because we think so much alike? We don't even have to finish a sentence sometimes... we 'already know'... what we are going to say, do.
Sometimes, I get afraid... I worry. Of course, I know that 'one day' one of us, both of us... will have to ... die. I know all that... it still doesn't keep me from sometimes... worrying, being afraid of .... death.
I feel afraid sometimes... I fear death.