Thursday, February 28, 2013

I Didn't Grow Up The Way I Did For Nothing... Hello, Fighting Spirit... I'm So Glad To See You!

Flower that my Creative Friend, Tori... gave me.  I believe in good things, love...

I Didn't Grow Up The Way I Did For Nothing...  Hello, Fighting Spirit... I'm So Glad To See You!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I received an email from someone I've known for years who knew me... knew I wasn't 'stupid', respected me... who asked me about ' my publishing process?', how she'd been reading about how some places will publish a book if you pay them?... such things.

It made me feel really awful ... because I read in her words (the way they were said, the little dots, question mark)... that I had to go pay someone to publish my book 'so it would be published... otherwise, she just knew it wasn't good enough'.  She also, left the impression 'in a nice way'... of how did 'you' get a book published...

She also, told me that she'd just gotten my book... and after she reads it... she would 'tell me what 'she'... thought of it'.  She had judged me... already... she hadn't read it.  Now... I have to say this to her in a nice way... it no longer matters what 'you' think.

I had to make some kind of peace inside so, I could go on writing, and have peace of mind in my every day private life.  I can't tell you how painful all of these things have been... two 'friends', and now... 'sort of a 'family' member.......  (it's always in 'threes').

I used to think each of them were special, just thinking of them would make me smile inside.  I thought they were exactly the way I saw them.

It's okay, I just needed to see 'you' now... it's okay if you hurt me.  It's not okay after this.  You did what you meant to do... it's done.

You all taught me a valuable lesson once again in life.  Who says you can't 'teach an old dog new tricks?'  These new tricks 'hurt'... so, I really learned from them.  Thank you, again.  There's nothing like pain... to help someone learn.  You did a good job.

Last night I wrote my story about thanking them for hurting me... I needed that.  It's just more fuel for the rest of my journey in life.

Maybe they thought I would stop, go run back into the 'dark place' I've fought so hard to get out of.  They forgot my 'fighting spirit'... I didn't grow up the way I did... for nothing.

I think my story says it 'all'.  Even if no one ever read my little book ... most definitely, it's not going to be the last (especially now)...  I am going to hold my ground.  I don't think I've done a bad thing at all.  Though... I know my story is a little scary... but, it was meant to be.  :)))

My goal is to get... 'I Cry For Tommy'... published.  I will have accomplished really what I set out to do... that is to never forget Tommy, my son... it doesn't matter about the other books.

I never claimed to be a writer... I just want to write.  I've been on my 'trial run'... now, I want my book about Tommy published... then, I'll enjoy writing my scary books, afterwards.  It'll entertain me, and hopefully someone would like them.  :)))  I love writing about ...Victoria Fairchild.

Betrayal does hurt... as one of my friends just told me. She's so right.  I thought I had distanced myself enough from people where I'd never have to experience that again... I just know to 'back up some more'.  :)))  Make my private life just a little more... private.

I understood your feelings (to my friend who wrote about betrayal) when being a child... I also, remember wondering 'how in the world 'old' people got that old, to see that they didn't like other people their age'... I thought they were 'old enough' to know better... and be 'perfect'... ha!

Now, at 'my age'... I am not liking three people today.  I should know better... God knows I'm old enough to know better.  :)))  I still don't... like them.  I'm just saying...

I didn't grow up in what I did for nothing... I didn't come through Hell for nothing.  I just forgot I had a fighting spirit during the past three years... it's been there all along... hey, I'm smiling now (like Victoria Fairchild)... my fighting spirit has just come out.  :)))

I'm one who cares... I really just care... I guess I've known so much real pain through time... it really taught me to ... just care.  I've let myself 'look bad' in order to make others look good.  I don't feel I have to have credit, or brownie points for anything I do.

I'm older now... that's not what life is all about... we get off on the 'wrong' roads when we are young.  God knows I did, so many times.  It's a wonder I ever got on the right road... but, something kept steering me toward it through the years.  Neither 'hell or high water' will push me off it now.

The whole world can keep on doing 'bad' things... I'm going to still believe there's good... somewhere.  I believe.

I feel such happiness inside when I see good things happen to people... I wish I could make many wonderful things happen to people who need something good in their lives.  I will whenever I can.... :)))

I am just thinking as I write here... my thoughts became a lot of words typed here.  I thought of deleting them all, but... I won't.

I will say this... once I wrote my story last night for my blog... (Thank You For Hurting Me... You Only Put More Steel In My Backbone)... I've been at peace inside for the first time in a week.

I can't tell you the mental anguish I have suffered.  It always hurts when you find out people aren't who you thought they were.  It always hurts when you reach out to share a little happiness with a 'friend'... and by their words, actions... they reject, hurt you.

You never forget them for doing that.  You never look at them the same ever again.  You always associate 'pain' with them in the future... they hurt you deeply.  Being friends shouldn't hurt like that.

I did what I learned to do many years ago... when someone isn't a positive presence in your life... it's time to 'weed the garden'.  You have to remove the ones that causes grief, negativity... the ones who sit there pretending to be a flower until the day you discover they've never been more than .... a weed.

I just pulled the weeds from this garden... I didn't just toss them out like I thought about doing... mentally, I walked to the edge of my 'garden'... laid them gently to the side.  I don't wish mean things for those 'weeds'.

I can focus on what I'm trying to accomplish now, with an eased mind.  Everyone knows now, where I stand.  Skip was seeing me becoming increasingly unhappy when I should have been happy... now, he's going to see that again.  I have tended my garden...

If I've lost friends, readers, family... then, I feel you didn't really like me in the first place.  Maybe it's time for the ones who are like the 'friends' I just took out of my life... to move on.  I wish you good things in life, and that all will be as you wish it to be.  I'm not letting you affect my everyday world in my private life ...again.

I just hope that all the real people I've met, still meeting... will stay here.  I need you all, you have made the difference in my life.  I treasure you all.  

So many of you have always been 'there' since the death of my son.  How can I not love, care about you?  You have shown me through time... love, caring.  It doesn't matter that I don't know you personally in 'real' life.  Our actions, words are what matters.

I just thought of something... the three people who hurt me during this past week... were 'never there' through all this time, grief, since my son died.  I didn't realize it until this minute.  These people knew me in 'real' life... they never came to me, nor communicated with me all this time.  Just in the last week, they have 'appeared'...

I am so amazed at this discovery in my mind.  These people knew me as a person, they fooled me 'good'... I thought they loved, cared about me... just as I did about them.  I thought so highly of them.  Why I respected them.

I treasure the ones who have just hurt me... because they 'woke me up'... they made me only more stronger.  They put more fuel in my life to add to the drive I already have inside me.  I am older, I still have a life to live... I'm not dead, yet.  They only made me feel more 'alive'... they revived my 'fighting spirit'!

Hello, 'fighting spirit'... I haven't seen you in a long time!  You've been hidden under so much pain, grief.  Come here... let me dust you off... looks like I needed you!

What did you say?  Why, 'fighting spirit', I am so glad to see you.  I know you'll stick with me through thick or thin (my book is too thin! :)))  I didn't know I would need you again in my life... but, I see that I always will.

I guess I must have needed more determination, something to pull more 'fighting spirit' out of me.  It did the trick!  Thank you to the ones who made me feel pain... I will always remember you, too.  There's a reason for everything.

I didn't grow up the way I did for nothing, walk through Hell... for nothing! :)))   Hello, Fighting Spirit, welcome!  I haven't seen you in a long time!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Thank You For Hurting Me... You Only Put More Steel In My Backbone

Thank you For Hurting Me...  You Only Put More Steel In My Backbone...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I have been brushing our two spoiled pups, and playing with them.  It felt good to be away from the computer for a short while.  I have been working on my book, 'I Cry For Tommy', diligently... for so long.  I see it's going to take longer than I anticipated.   The stress I've been experiencing lately has ... affected everything.  I'll explain.

I've been reading back through things I've written for the past year, or so.  I have written a lot of words.  Most of those words were born from tear drops, grief in my heart... they flowed through my finger tips on every key my fingers touched, every character I typed.  I wrote... pain.

There is so much that I don't remember writing at all.  I know that I did... I just don't remember.  Grief does that... it puts one into a dark tunnel... thankfully, the tunnel has light at the end now.

Grief... I can go for a while now, in between spells of it.  I always feel it... When it takes hold of me, my life.... it weakens me, making it hard to think about anything else.

I've been doing a lot of thinking also, this past week.  I have experienced two friends making me feel bad ... I know they couldn't believe my little book has been published.  I have had several people in a 'round-bout way' ... question my 'publishing process'.

What is that supposed to mean?  Do you doubt me?  Do you think I have done something ... dishonest?  Why do you ask such a question?  I don't understand.  Yes, you made me feel bad... but, I've recovered.  My pants don't have dust on them ... anymore.  I got back up with only more determination... no, you... didn't keep me down.

I wonder if any other writers experience such?  Just because I published a little book... doesn't mean I think I'm so great.  I'm no one for anyone to get jealous of... and at this moment, I'm not going to feel bad anymore because of these people.  They are the 'ones who are changing'... I am the same person, I always will be.  Just because I'm nice... I'm not going to be walked on.  I'm just not...

But... the people who have hurt me lately... that's it.  I lost any respect for you... that I once had.  I would have been so happy for you, especially knowing like you knew... what I've come through to be here at this very moment.  I almost... wasn't.

I will continue to smile, be nice to you... but.... I will be the one 'backing up to 'go away' from you, now.  I don't want to be around you... anymore.  You hurt me, but, I won't hurt you back... I'll simply remove myself from your presence.

If need to be, I will have to 'let go' of you on my social media.  I don't need negativity in my life.  The grief I experience every day of my life is 'negative', enough.

I've always wrote, I've always painted, I've always drawn... it's no big deal.  It seems like because I've always been known for drawing, painting... and I never talked about writing.... suddenly, it's a shock to several people that know me.

You knew I wasn't 'stupid before'... why do you doubt me now?  Because my son died?  Do you think I have went crazy, I'm over the edge?  Why... would you doubt me now, hurt my feelings because of one little book?  Why?

I am going to say after all I've come through... I'm holding my ground, and I'm writing, and writing ... and writing with my imperfect self.  Regardless of 'my publishing process'... you are going to see more ... of me.  I'm not letting you hurt my feelings, to make me 'fall down, be afraid to get back up'.

I have dusted my a__ off, I'm not crying anymore.  I want to thank you for putting some more 'steel in my backbone'.  Yes, I feel anger.  Yes... Granny Gee feels real anger now... and it's going to work in a positive way.  I'm not letting your little comments, and actions 'keep me down'.

I don't mean to hurt anyone back for hurting me... but, it's time to draw a line in the sand... though I don't like, or respect the ones who hurt me so unexpectedly... I still care about you... but, I don't want you in my life.

I have just drawn an invisible line in the sand... thank you for hurting me.  I will make it a positive thing.

Monday, February 25, 2013

I Told You I Would Keep You In My Thoughts Today...

I Told You I Would Keep You In My Thoughts Today...
Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I promised my cousin this morning that I would keep her in my thoughts today.  Sometimes... actions speak louder than words.

She will know who she is, when she reads this.  She is undergoing chemotherapy today... I have walked in those shoes.

My heart goes out to her, so do my prayers.  I hope all my friends, family, readers, fan will send prayers for Granny Gee's cousin.  It means the world to me.

I know the path she is on, I pray that hers will be a much shorter path to recovery.  I love you, _____!  Love Your Cousin, Gloria :)))

My Friends Hurt Me Deeply... Oh My God, The Pain

My Friends Hurt Me Deeply... Oh My God, The Pain
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee (2-25-2013)

Skip and I were walking in the supermarket when I looked up to see an old friend smiling at me.  She and, her friend stood close by, they were also, shopping.

We hugged each other, began talking.  We had worked at the hospital together for years.  I loved her, I just thought the world of her.  I was so happy to see her... see that wonderful smile of hers.  Her smile has a way of making the world... all right.

Her son had died... now, my son was gone.  When her son died, I let her know I was there, in different ways.  I cared so much.  I used to get to see his art work when she'd bring it to the hospital for me to look at.

She told me after Tommy died... she would come to see me.  She never did... I didn't mind at all that she didn't come.  I understand how time goes by, life goes on. Life is like that...

I understood... not only that, I am used to 'coping with my own' with no help from anyone.  Excepting... Skip.  Skip is my hero... he is my anchor in this world, and... the ship that holds me afloat.  He and our Pups.... are my world.

We began catching up on what we'd been doing since we saw each other.  I had my book with me, several copies in fact... I took one out to show her.  I told her that I just had my first book published.  I had in mind to give her one...

I saw her visibly change, her eyes kept on smiling... there was a difference in them.  I sensed at that moment that... 'she backed off from me'.  I felt pain in my heart.  Why?

I knew by the way the rest of the conversation went... I really never heard it... that my friend thought that my son's death had 'pushed me over the edge'... his death 'had done something mental to me'.

The thought went through my mind... 'she thinks I'm crazy, that I think I have had a book published'.  I had showed it to her, but... I don't think she paid it any attention...

After sensing what I did from that encounter... I began to feel numb.  So... I probably 'acted the part'... it's sometimes hard, to disguise unexpected 'pain'.  Especially pain caused by a friend's doubt in you.

Yes, I'm sure the 'shock' ... made me appear in a quiet way... 'over the edge, crazy, not knowing what to say to my friend anymore'.

I got away from her gracefully, smiling... saying a happy goodbye.  A 'happy goodbye forever' to her.  I was ... in a ... shock.  My friend......

Later in the store, we ran into her, and her friend again... I sensed her wanting to back up, go in the opposite direction from me.

I just smiled 'my Gloria smile', laughed like 'I always do', went on like I didn't notice.  I 'just stayed myself'... I didn't let her see that she'd just 'crushed' me.

I noticed, I couldn't help but, to feel such pain.  My friend was no longer my friend... she had hurt me when ... she didn't believe me.

She always knew me as an upfront person, she always trusted me.  Now... she thinks I'm ... crazy.  There's nothing I can do at this point in time... to change her opinion.  'Gloria has went over the edge in her mind'..... 'hey, Gloria is crazy'.  'Gloria's mind is gone, her son's death has done it to her'.  'Why now, Gloria's thinking she's written a book, and to beat it all... thinks it's been published!  Imagine that!'

This isn't the first time I've heard reference to such.  I read a letter that I shouldn't have, but... did.  It was from one cousin of mine, written to his brother.  He said he knew my mind would probably be affected for the rest of my life since Tommy died.

I understood him writing that... everyone knew how much I loved my son, how much he meant to me.  That was okay... he was 'family', so... he had a right to say that... he 'knew'.

Just as my child was so important to me, his children are to him... maybe more-so, because we both 'came from the same place'... we all knew Hell as little children... we all walked in the same shoes... we all 'passed through Hell at Grandma Alma and George's.

We all loved our children more... because we missed out on a lot of love as children... ourselves.

The very next day, I went to the KFC to get a bucket of chicken... I was standing at the cash register paying for my purchase.  I stepped away as a lady walked up to order.  She saw me, I saw her... and we began talking, laughing.

We used to exercise together, talk about losing our children.  She lost her daughter, I lost my son.  We had talked many times, we were friends enough to stop, talk anytime, whenever we saw each other out.

She asked me what had I been doing, and I told her writing.  I told her my first book was published... that was it... I felt, saw something 'change'... I thought it was my imagination... but, I saw her eyes, I saw her smile slip...

The cashier spoke to me, I answered her... turned around.... to talk again to my friend....  I was going to show her my book.  I did have in mind to give her one...

She was gone!  Completely gone!  Then, I turned all the way around... there she was on the other side of me.... hiding.  She was trying to smile at me... but, it didn't quite meet her eyes.  She no longer wanted to talk to me... she thought I was 'crazy'.

She thought my mind .... was affected.  I 'saw it in her eyes'.... nothing I could have said, or done would have changed her mind.  I had never seen that expression on her face... I no longer knew her.  She even... stepped back...

The cashier brought me a bag, I took it... and just looked briefly at my friend... and said with a soft smile... "goodbye now".  I walked slowly out the door when, I wished to run... and lay down, and just... cry.  Oh my God... the pain!

I told Skip what happened.  He couldn't believe it had happened again... two friends, two days in a row.

The third time was at McDonald's, on the third day.  We saw a friend of mine (once again).... she and her husband came to sit down close by.  We grinned at each other.  I really liked her, got to know her when we used to exercise together, also.  She was fun to talk to... when she likes you... like me... she likes you for

They got up after eating, came to our table, stopped.  She introduced her husband to Skip and I... I introduced Skip.  She'd already met Skip, her husband hadn't met either of us.

They stood, talked a little while.  It was such fun.  I told her not to think I'm crazy, or 'over the edge', that I wanted to tell her what happened the past two days.  She knew one of the 'friends' I was speaking of... we'd all exercised together.  She couldn't place her in her mind... but, I knew if she saw her, she'd remember.

Anyway, as Jackie and I talked... Skip and her husband talked... I could sense Jackie was just... 'still Jackie, my friend'.  I hadn't even shown her my book... she believed me.  Can you imagine how that touched my heart.

It's not that my book is a big deal... but, friends want to share happy things.... I know my book isn't perfect, but, it is an accomplishment for 'me'.  It's important to 'me'... :)))  You know how we all are when we are happy about something we've done...

As we talked, I knew that the only extra copy I had left in my bag was going to be ... Jackie's.  Her eyes lit up when I told her I wanted to give her my book... my heart felt so happy!  She had believed me 'before', she didn't back up at all in disbelief... she didn't think I was crazy, or over the edge at all.

I was ... honored that she wanted 'my little book'.  You know the 'thin' book I just wrote... 'When She's Good... She's Good'.  In my mind, I expected it to be so much thicker with all the words I typed... and it turned out to be 'thin'.  I think of it as my introduction to... Victoria Fairchild.

It is my first book, so... I will remember that I want my next Victoria Fairchild book to be 'thicker'... I want my story to be good, and I want it ...thicker.  I want it to be 'exactly the kind of scary story in a book' ...that I've always looked for, never found.

Being a thick book... matters to me.  A lot of people like short books, they are on the go, they want to read fast.  I'm the opposite... I love to have time to read... as the book entertains me.

After all, that's 'why' I would read... a scary book!  :)))  I want to be tense, in suspense, not knowing what's going to happen next... when it does... scare me!  :)))  I 'don't want the story to end!'

On the third day (I told you things happen to me in 'threes')... Skip and I went home... I felt happy.  It made up for the prior two days that I was so... devastated.  Jackie, you tilted my lopsided world back ... upright!  :)))

That's an awful feeling to be doubted... especially when my one friend I'd worked with for years at the hospital... doubted me.  When we worked in the jobs we worked in... trust, and being competent were of the utmost importance.

I'm not used to someone doubting me.  Anyone who knows me... knows when I say something... I mean it.  Can you see how it 'got away with me?'  Instead of lying about something... I will say 'why' I don't tell it... or if I don't want to talk about it... I will say I don't want to talk about it.  I'm upfront...

I think a lot of people have seen the effects on a grieving mother, when she loses her child.  Some 'do go over the edge'... it does affect their minds.  I'm sure it has 'done something to my mind'.  I would like to think that it's in a positive way... I've tried so hard to channel all this grief in ... a good way.

I write my pain... my writing is 'imperfect', but... I'm going to keep on writing... regardless.  It's my way, my only way to 'release the pain' inside me.

There's so much of it, it's never-ending... I have to keep writing so, that my mind doesn't become a 'dam'... trapping all that grief inside me.  I know I would surely die, if that were to happen.  I just know I would... the grief is so much bigger than I am (... and I need to lose weight!  :)))  The grief is so much more...

I cry often... but, thankfully, you don't have to see it.  If you come here to my blog... you choose to read my pain.  It's always there... only a smile, a laugh, or just words... cover, disguise it.

I couldn't ever find anything on grief, until I began writing it... my keyboard has 'pain splashed all over it'... as my fingers made the strokes to type each letter.  Pain here, pain there... never-ending pain.

Think of hiding something behind a thin blanket... so, no one will see it... underneath this blanket is my ... grief.  There's 'nothing much' covering it... it just won't go away.  I'm feeling it every minute of my very life.  You could strip away that blanket in one, quick swipe... grief begins rearing its ugly head.

Here... in my words... I take the blanket 'off'... I reveal exactly how grieving feels, you hear, see it in my words.  I don't hold back... I have to tell you.  If you come here to read, I feel .... that you want to know, you want to read.

Hopefully, it'll help you understand when you encounter a ... grieving mother in your life.  Or... if you, yourself ... grieve.  Or... any kind of grief in your life, another's life.  Grief is a form of ... 'pure, pure love lost'... this is how I've come to think.  Those are the only words I can possibly think of to ... describe grief.

Jackie, thank you for believing in me.  It meant the world to me... I promise I won't forget that.  You made my world right ... again.  :)))  I sit here, smile seeing all of us talking, laughing... nothing ever changed at all once I told you.  I never sensed anything that hurt me.

We all know my little book is just that... it's a little book packed with a big story.  It's really my introductory to Victoria Fairchild... whom I'll keep writing about.

I will begin writing on 'The Saga of Victoria Fairchild' earnestly, once I get 'I Cry For Tommy' ... published.  Lately, I have devoted my time to it.  It's almost time...

I just wanted to come here on my blog... talk to all of you.  I wanted to share my three experiences... I've never walked in 'these shoes' before.  I didn't know that 'would happen'.

From now on, I think I'll just stay 'quiet'... like a big, blue pool of deep water that stays 'still'.  I'll let the 'good things' come, make ripples in it.  Then... we'll all see how 'water smiles'... splashes its delight to be noticed.  :)))  Just me being 'silly', again.

Thank you for listening.  It means my very world... you all are my world just as Skip and the Pups are..........  Love, Granny Gee (Gloria Faye Brown Bates)

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Thank You, Ms Nancy...You Didn't Care About My Mistakes

Link to Paperback version:
Link to Paperback version:
Link to Kindle version:        (those are zeros after the 'B')

Thank You, Ms Nancy... You Didn't Care About My Mistakes
Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Skip and I decided to call Ms Nancy, arrange to meet her for breakfast this morning.

Ms Nancy is my childhood friend, all through the years... she is always the same.  She never acts any differently no matter how long it's been since I've seen her.

She never forgets me no matter if I move away, come back years later.  It may not matter to other people... but, to me... it means the world.  She doesn't do like people will sometimes, do.... speak one day... turn their back on you the next day.

I 'never forget' people who do that to me... never.  That's because it hurts... not only that... the pain never goes away.

Ms Nancy and I made a deal.  She ordered my first published book 'When She's Good... She's Good... she wanted me to write in it for her.  I told her that I'd be glad to, in fact... I was honored to do it.

I told her that I had ordered three books... one for Skip, one for me... one to go into Tommy's Chest.  She was talking about ordering two more books, one for her mother, one for her daughter.

We made a deal, Ms Nancy was going to give me my first book since hers had already come... to make it special.  I was going to give her the three books I had ordered, write in them to her, her mother, and her daughter.

The books came, and we arranged the swap.  We met at Hardee's for breakfast, and she presented me with my own first published book, and I gave her the three books I'd just gotten.  One for her, one for Elaine (her mother whom I've known since being a little girl), and one for her daughter, JoAnn (she loves animals just like I do!).

I won't tell you how old Ms Nancy is, but... like me... she had a birthday not too long ago.  Do you know we sat there talking I was thinking... for our age... I don't think we look 'old'.  I know my eyes look 'tired' all the time... but, we all 'know why'... grief will do that to a mother... it never goes away.  It just never goes away.......

Ms Nancy looks 'like Ms Nancy'... amazing.  I sat, looked at my childhood friend, thinking how good she looked.  I commented to her that it just seems people 'our age' don't look the age they are 'now'.  Amazing.....

Our breakfast was very enjoyable.  Skip, Ms Nancy and I sat, laughed and talked for some time.  When it was time to go, I hugged her goodbye.  I have to mention the beautiful pink jacket she had on... I really love that color... sort of a rose color, I think.

Thank you for presenting to me ... my own first published book.  Thank you for not caring... when I tried to point out a couple of mistakes in it... that was a special moment.

You didn't care... it meant a lot to me.  I can imagine some people 'looking for them'.  :)))  A real friend doesn't go looking for the other's mistakes, they understand... move on.  You know I'm not perfect... and it doesn't matter.

Thank you, Ms Nancy, for being there.  Love, Gloria

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Dragonfly... I Think Tommy Revealed It To Me

Dragonfly... I Think Tommy Revealed It To Me
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I was standing there looking at glass-covered pictures in frames
When I heard a noise, saw the next stack of pictures over
Begin to fall forward toward the floor

I grabbed the frames before they toppled over
While holding on to the frames I was flipping through
The weight of both stacks had me spread out, uncomfortable

What to do was my question until... I froze at what I saw
On the back of the shelf where the pictures had fallen forward from
I couldn't believe my eyes... the last picture that didn't fall was a

Beautiful dragonfly!  The picture was all I could have wished for
I knew as soon as I could safely maneuver all, so pictures wouldn't fall
I would be getting that dragonfly... I knew I couldn't go home without it!

Now... that dragonfly hangs on my bathroom wall
All is sage, and white... calm, and comforting
It feels like one enters a beautiful meadow when they go through the door

I love this dragonfly picture, it makes me happy
It seems very special, like it's meant to be
I think Tommy revealed it me

Sunday, February 17, 2013

This Was Very Strange, Indeed... I Wasn't Going Home Without It

This Was Very Strange, Indeed... I Wasn't Going Home Without It
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My attention was drawn to the many big framed pictures on a long shelf in the store we were in.  There were stacks, and stacks of them side by side... all sitting upright... so, one could look through them.  Each picture had a glass window, making me be careful at how I pulled each toward me look at the one behind it.

I was wishing to find a big sunflower... something to match the little lamp in my bathroom.  It has a pretty 'folk-artsy' sunflower on the base of it.  It's beautiful.  I briefly wished to find a nice dragonfly picture... Tommy loved dragonflies... the thought entered my mind, I wouldn't find one there.

As I was gently pulling each glass-framed picture toward my chest, holding them as I looked at what was behind the next one... there was a loud noise!  I saw the next stack of glass-framed pictures begin to fall forward!  All that glass......

I didn't know what to do, except to stretch out to that stack of pictures to hold them, keep them from falling down to the floor!

Gracious, you should have seen me ... I was holding both stacks ... with my arms stretched as far as I could, and my legs stretched out that far, too.  I know I looked ridiculous 'spraddled out' that!

I was hoping Skip would come by, help me.  I had to keep using my hands to work the pictures until I could hold them, so... I could free my hand from the stack I'd been looking at.

Thankfully, I had been looking at them making them line up neatly against my chest... soon, my hand was free to let go of them.  I breathed a sigh of relief, stepped over to get the other framed pictures 'under control'.

No sooner than I stepped in front of the 'fallen' framed pictures, I stopped.  I just froze... I couldn't believe what I was looking at... a huge, beautiful... dragonfly in the glass frame!!!  The colors were 'perfect'!  I forgot about the weight pushing at me from all those frames... I was in disbelief.

I worked the frames until I could reach to the back, to get that picture... there was no way I was going home without it!

That dragonfly picture was at the very back... I would have never seen it, if all those frames hadn't fell forward.  It had become special to me as soon as my eyes saw it!

Don't you think Tommy could have somehow... touched that stack of glass-framed pictures to make them begin to fall forward... to reveal that dragonfly?  This is very strange, indeed......

Saturday, February 16, 2013

It Was Like Something Magical In The Very Air...

It Was Like Something Magical In The Very Air...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I am thinking that magical things happen when many people think about one person ... all at the same time.  That person may not even know 'why' all of a sudden their world 'feels' so bright, so wonderful ... at certain times.  That's how my birthday ... yesterday was.

I felt such emotion 'inside' at times, because I haven't felt such wonderful feelings inside for so long.  Not since Tommy died, not since my son died.  I wanted to cry at the same time as feel the special happiness I felt on 'my day'.

Why?  I think because I never thought it possible to feel what I felt, ever again.  How nice it was to feel so happy... though, I know my eyes reflected the teardrops behind them.

Happiness, sadness all at the same time.... bittersweet.  Those teardrops are never far from falling..... like little shining diamonds... if only they could be put in a ring... name it 'Grieving Mother's Ring'.   I would want a 'Grieving Mother's Ring'... I have earned it.  I have cried enough tears....

I sat, thought about this tonight, when I came here to my desk.  I was thinking that there is an invisible force that travels through the air when many people's thoughts join together ....  go in the 'same direction'.

That's 'why' miracles happen when many prayers/thoughts come together for someone who needs them.  I always need them, welcome them.  I always say my quiet prayers for everyone in my mind... I'm not a 'loud' prayer.  I don't want to be ...noticed.

I think when that happens, it changes things around that 'one person'.  In the air are invisible, special things happening all around them.   Maybe kind of like invisible angels moving all around creating happy feelings in everyone... so, that when they look at that one person... they feel the same.

This one person all the thoughts are centered on... begins to sense something special is happening all around them, begins smiling... feeling happy inside.  The next thing you know ... strangers are talking, laughing with them.  People who might have ordinarily not spoke to that person... begin talking.  The invisible force is responsible... one reacts because they aren't aware of it.

Good things begin to happen, that one person's heart begins to fill with happiness... happiness that pushes the sadness, grief back like a dam... holding back a flood.  For a time, that person can get a rest from their grief, get a chance to see what happiness feels like again.

I know what I am talking about... though... I don't know if I used the right words to describe it to you.  I had a strange, beautiful birthday yesterday... the best ever in my life.... just so unusual, so... special.  For a little while... I got a rest from my grief... though it was still there.

I really think it came from so many of 'you'... who wished me 'Happy Birthday'... I didn't know I had so many Birthday Wishes until late last night when I had opportunity to get on the computer for a short time.  So, while I didn't know so many of you had sent me wishes... I think 'your' thoughts affected my birthday in the most special of ways.  Thank you, 'all'...

I was so awed, my heart was touched...  I sat here trying to thank every last person who wished me a Happy Birthday.  If I let anyone out... please know that I never meant to... I thank you from my very heart.  I can't tell you how much that meant to me.

I have never had so many birthday wishes in my whole life!  I was smiling so much... my eyes felt happiness, you could have seen if you had looked... there were tears in them.  I can't even tell you what my heart was feeling...

I believe everywhere we went yesterday... people went out of their way to be so nice to us, to me.  I know that they do this all the time, but... yesterday was so different, 'so many people' did it.  It was like 'something magical was in the very air'....  could it have been 'all of you'?............

I know now... it was all of those many, many thoughts all directed at me... that created such specialness.  I wish it would never-ever go away.

Special thoughts, special gifts, special moments in time ... happened on this birthday of mine.

My thoughts are now directed toward all of you... you might feel some magic in the air... I wish good things to happen to 'you', all of my readers, followers, family.  I love you all.

Thank you for thinking of ... me... I'm amazed.  I am so amazed.  :)))  It means the very world to me.  Special thanks to our friend, Mary, in Australia.  I love the beautiful flowers, everything.  Love, Granny Gee/Gloria Faye Brown Bates

Note:  If some of this sounds 'crazy'... it's because I've sat here tonight... writing while asleep!  :)))

Friday, February 15, 2013

Granny Gee's Birthday... Valentine's Day 2013

Granny Gee's Birthday... February 14, 2013
Written By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny

Skip/ Pa Skip... holding birthday flowers to me from our friend, Mary, in Australia
(Skip's eyes are so tired, he needs rest)

Birthday card from my Sweet Husband, Skip...

Now......... if you will notice, there are several pieces of chocolate candy that's been
bitten in half.... half is gone, half is still in the box.  :)))

I love these special flowers from our friend in Australia... when I sat at the table tonight, the scent from them
was so beautiful.  I closed my eyes to enjoy it.  Aren't they lovely?

I wish I had taken photos all through the day.  Today has been a most special, unusual, beautiful birthday.

We went shopping, went to one of our favorite restaurants... got to see Patty and Jim, the owners.  It's been quite some time since we have seen them.  It was fun talking to them.... :)))

Skip and I went to the printer's shop to get cards made up with links to my book, and to my blog, and my email.  Now, instead of writing out all to give to someone, or run to make a copy... I can just give a card.

Tomorrow, I'll get my package ready to mail... with a copy of my book, and the necessary forms, and payment... for my copyright.

What a special day... Happy Birthday To Me, To Granny Gee!  :)))

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

A Big Box Of Valentine Candy For My Birthday...

A Big Box Of Valentine Candy For My Birthday...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Well... my birthday is coming up.  It's on Valentine's Day.  No, no... I'm not trying to solicit 'Happy Birthdays' from anyone.  :)))  I want to tell you something, see what you think about it.

Really, tell me what do you think?  :)))

Skip told me what he's going to do for my birthday!  I'm going to go get my hair fixed like I want it (I'm thinking about a perm... I love 'big' hair, or I might make it two colors :)))... and we are going out for a nice meal... we haven't decided 'where' yet.

This is where I ask you to tell me what do you think.  Now... I told Skip that I was going to pass this by all of you.  It is silly, funny... I know... but, I'm curious.....

Skip is going to buy me a big, beautiful box of Valentine candy for my birthday, also.  He always does this!  The way I eat it... makes that box last for a long time!

This is what he said to me regarding it:  "Now, don't be biting pieces of candy in half, and leaving them in the box!"

I thought about it, and I said, "Skip, when we get our own box of candy, we should be able to eat it just our own favorite way.  A box of candy is like a steak on the grill.... one is going to cook it to perfection... to our own individual taste."  I told him that I should be able to 'eat it my way'... after I've shared with him!  :)))

I have a habit of biting this piece, that piece of candy in a box of candy when I know it's mine.... I make the box of candy last a very long time.  Most people would have their candies eaten up in no time... not me, I love to savor the wonderful flavors, and ... take my own sweet time.  :)))

Anyway, I will 'sample' here, there... leaving 'bitten' pieces behind.  Yes, I really do (I really wonder if anyone else does... I've never heard).  My box of candy becomes a box of candy that I've tasted 'half' of... all the other 'halves' are left behind, for another time  :)))

My question to you (answer me, I would love to tell Skip 'if' you are on my side' :))) is:

Don't you think when you are given a box of candy ...that the way you eat it.... should be as individual as you are... you know, like when you grill your steak just for your taste?  :)))  You know... eat it 'your way'?

Remember, this is all in good fun!  We are just curious.  I told Skip I wanted to see what 'you all' said.  We used to have Tommy to 'decide' these things, tell us what he thought.

Skip used to tell me he was going to tell Tommy something I did, or said... and see what he said.  I would laugh at him.  I miss that so much... Tommy would laugh at us 'arguing over some silly thing'.

So, what do you say?  When you get a box of candy, do you eat it 'the way you want to'?

Do you have a favorite way to eat your box of candies?  Is my way 'so different'?

Guess what?  I eat doughnuts the same way.... mind you, only 'my doughnuts'... not Skip's.  I come back later to get my 'other half'!  There's always 'half'.... left!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Sunshine Of Her Sky...

Sunshine Of Her Sky...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Another rainy day, dark clouds in the sky
Threaten to pull a grieving mother's mood down
Into the pit of darkness, darkness she fights
To stay away from, darkness she is afraid of

In this pit of hell, one swims around in the black ocean
Of  the mind, holding on to anything that gets through
To reach down to them, like a life saver tossed from above
Hold on, hold on until too tired, sinking once again in the dark

Let the sunshine brighten the sky, light up her mind
Casting any hint of a shadow away
Lifting the grieving mother's mood up to the sky
Making her smile a sunshine smile to light her way

Pure white, fluffy clouds float around her bright smile
Birds sing, they fly in elation at such bright, golden light
The grieving mother has become as one
With the big, yellow sunshine in the sky

Rain, rain all you want to, the sun's going to shine
No longer will the grieving mother fall down to the pit of darkness
She has become her own big, wonderful light
Now, she has become ... sunshine of her sky

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Links To My Book, Information

Hello Gloria,

Thank you for contacting us with your support request. I am happy to help.

I see that you made this title Available for sale on February 10. Your title has been listed on the CreateSpace eStore immediately. Your Amazon detail pages will build over the next five to seven business days.

Once these pages build, anyone can purchase your title from the Sales Channels you selected.

If it is listed on Kindle, anyone can purchase and read it as well.

The link for the Kindle version of your title will automatically link to the paperback version on Amazon. This will take three to five business days to occur. If the pages do not link after this time has elapsed, please contact us and we will link these pages for you.

The direct URL for your CreateSpace eStore and Amazon detail pages will be:

My Book...

My Book...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I love this path... Victoria's Path.  Only God knows where she is... do you have the nerve to walk up it?

For the past several days, I've been preoccupied with my book... WHEN SHE'S GOOD... SHE'S GOOD.

I've been doing things online for the first time, learning as I go... to publish my book.  Hopefully, if I did all ..... right... you'll see it on in the next several days.  When I get the link, I will put it here for you all to see.

There will be a paperback version by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... and the Kindle digital version has my name as Gloria Faye Bates (I want to change that when I learn how to).

I will say this.... :))) I've always told you that I'm not perfect at all... so, if you see a mistake (I know of two that I can't find!  The word 'around' that Ms Nancy found for me, and the word 'enough'.

I am not going to stress out any more over them.  It's time to go on... to begin Book Two, and try to be 'more perfect' this time.  :)))

Just know when you see it, read it... that 'I know' it isn't perfect at all, no more than ... I am perfect.  :)))  I won't try to make you think I'm so wonderful, so great... or important.  I did try my best.

I'm happy that I've come this far... that means to me, that there is hope of getting a book published to 'leave behind' for my grandchildren to know their Pa Skip, and Granny Gee, one day.

I know I can do that now... only I hope by the time I decide to have my story told... I'll have met a friend author, who will write it for me.  I would like my story told without all the emotion I would feel as I wrote it.  There are many layers of 'me'...

I want Taban and McKenzie to know that I've never forgotten Tommy, their father, and when I 'go'... the torch will be passed on to them.

They will be able to read, see, 'know' how much they were loved.  I'm sure they never hear our names.  They can have something to hold in their hands to 'feel love' from me, know I loved them always.

I don't play the 'blame game'... I don't sit here, worrying about the 'whys' I don't get to see them, know them.  I stopped that quite some time ago.  I don't blame or hate the mothers... I know life has to go on... sometimes, there simply isn't room enough to have a parent around from a former marriage.

  I'll never forgot my son, Tommy.  Never.  He was a real person, just like you and I are.  If one of 'us' goes tomorrow.... the ones who really love you, me.......... know we were very real to them.  They won't forget us... on my part, there's no one but, Skip, to remember 'me'.

This evening I am very 'headachy' from all the reading I've done lately, all the things I tried to learn, to do right online to get my book into print.

I will have to say my favorite part was when the cover came together for me.  I can't tell you how happy, excited that made me.  I love the 'path' that I call Victoria's Path now... on the front cover.

Ms Nancy made it more exciting with her words about wondering if... Victoria was standing in wait somewhere in the trees.  I grinned when I  read her words.  Ms Nancy, Victoria is probably 'there... somewhere!"  :)))

So, if you've sensed that I've been preoccupied these past several days, you sensed right.  Now.. you know 'why'.  :)))

You are now looking at, seeing me... as I probably 'ungracefully' turn into a 'butterfly', ha!  I see me wobbling through the air now, trying to get my wings to fly... to fly smoothly into writing a second book about Victoria Fairchild.  This is what has had my attention lately... my book!  :)))

Friday, February 8, 2013

We Grow Old Just To... Die

We Grow Old Just To... Die
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Rhinestone Cowboy... I just felt a terrible pain in the pit of my stomach, instant hot tears filled my eyes ... just like that!  I hear it on the tv... in the background.

I see a little strawberry-blonde headed boy in my mind ... who instantly began to move his little boy body, little boy head.... to the rhythm of that song... begin to sing.  He couldn't sing as a little boy, either :)))  "Tommy, you knew I'd say that!"

Tommy couldn't sing, but... he did sing.  He had more nerve than I ever did... because, I can't sing... so, I don't ever let anyone hear my 'singing voice'.  :)))  I loved listening to him sing... it didn't matter that it was out of tune... it was fun listening to him 'rub it in' that he could sing.... knowing full-well that I 'knew' he couldn't.  He would say, "mama, you are just jealous because you can't sing, and I can.  I can sing, mama, I can sing."

No, Son... you really couldn't sing.  No... Simon Cowell wouldn't have thought you could sing if you auditoned for American Idol.

Simon Cowell would have asked you if you came there for a joke!  He would have never appreciated your singing voice.  In fact, I think I was your... only fan!  I knew you couldn't sing, but... I loved hearing you sing.  It meant ... you were feeling happiness for at least a little while.  Your voice...  your 'Tommy' voice.......

It was the most beautiful sound in the world to this mother.  Mothers don't care if their child can 'carry a tune', or not.  They just love the sounds of their children.... sing, talk, laugh with their 'own sounds'... unique sounds that are only our children's sounds.

Tapping eggs on the countertop, rolling them to crack the shell in a 'million places', putting them under the cold water.... to make them shell easier.  The shells come right off....

Standing there for a moment ... no one says "hey, mom... can I have one?"  Every time I made boiled eggs ... Tommy would appear.  Now, he doesn't.  I've tried quite a few times to 'see if he would'.  Yeah, I really have... I know... kind of dumb, isn't it?  I told you... I'm not perfect.

Truthfully... I turn around ... I mean all the way around ... just to 'see' if Tommy has somehow, miraculously .... appeared.  He never does... he just never does.  I thought deep down.. that if 'anyone could'... Tommy could, would.  He was so strong...

I have seen 'things'... but, not when shelling boiled eggs.  I have written about them in my past posts.

I hear his voice in my mind when I drink iced tea.... I can hear him saying "give me a glass of that good ole sweet tea!'  I can see that Tommy smile 'inside', as I look outwards... to look in.

I just 'looked at myself' sitting here at my desk by the window.  I was resting my right elbow on my desk, feeling the wood beneath.  My right cheek rests in my right hand, my head is tilted to the right side.... my eyes stare up into the sky, as I look out the window.

I see the treetops reaching to the gray sky... I wish the sun was shining... to brighten up my thoughts.  I am the type of person who finds gray, rainy days depressing for any length of time.  I am a 'sunshine' person...

I love rainy days only when I'm with Skip.  He loves rainy days.  We really love ... snowy days!  We wish for them!  We... used to chase the snow... no matter how far we had to drive!

We've driven as far as five hundred miles to be in a snow storm, got a hotel room with a fireplace, sliding doors.... sit, drink hot chocolate, coffee... while watching the snow fall!  Those were the good old days.... :)))  I truly loved doing that ... we don't do it now.

My moods switch from happy one moment to sad the next.  Everything influences how I feel... the weather, the sounds around me, the.... colors, weather, people's moods.

People influence my feelings.  If I like them, I feel happiness... sometimes, people I 'don't like' make me feel happiness... depending on what they are doing, saying at the particular moment.

Since Tommy has died ... it doesn't take much to pull me into the darkness .... I try to come back quickly.  I'm afraid of the darkness, I've never like to be in the dark.

I just thought of ... George.  Just like that!  The darkness reminded me of George, the only grandfather I ever knew in my life.  He was blind, in darkness ... all the time.  I would try as a little girl to tell him what I could see with my eyes... so, he could see, too.

He would smile, and if he didn't 'see what I would describe to him with my words'.... he made me feel like he did.  I would feel happiness inside... so, maybe... he really did.

Sometimes, all through the years I 'find myself' doing things in the dark ... it comes from being little, living with... watching George as he would hold his hands out ... to feel his way to where he wanted to go, to do what he wanted to do.

I would follow him, watch him.  He would sometimes, use a hammer, nails.  I would watch him hold a nail with one hand,  take the hammer hand to feel the hand holding the nail to 'know where it was'... then, begin hammering.  Most of the time, he hit the nail.  Oh, the times he didn't.... George would bellow out .... 'G_____ it!'

Well, when he did that... remember ... I was little... I would try to not laugh... my mouth would close tight trying to hold a laugh.  I would hold it as long as I could.

George didn't seem to ever cared that I would laugh, he knew it was just I thought it was funny when he said an 'ugly word'.  He never got mad.

The pain would cause him to cuss... it's something I wish I'd never learned to do ... but, sadly ... I will sometimes, even now.

I'm not perfect... I really try not to, and I feel guilty... afterwards.  Pain will make me say an ugly word..... oh well.  I'm not a 'perfect granny'... at all.  I can say this, mean it... I try to be as good as I can be ... under the circumstances.  :)))))))))))))))

Sometimes, I can hear my mama 'in the sound of the wind', or in the sound of a wild animal.  I know you wonder 'how can she do that?'

The evening I knew something was wrong with my mother was when we got home from Sam's Club.  I played the messages on the answering machine... there was an 'unearthly sound' that I couldn't understand when the message began playing.... it was like a 'keening' sound.... one that horrified me as I listened to her voice, what she was trying to say....

I can't bear to think about that ... even now.  My mom needed me, and I wasn't there for her to tell me.  My mom died a short time 'before' the time on her message.  I called 911, that's how I learned this.....

When I hear 'that sound'... I can't bear it.  I just can't bear it.  She was begging me to please help her.  There's more on it, I can't bear to go back, play it.  I've hidden it from myself... I have to... it could cause me to go to a 'dark place'.  Skip doesn't want me to play it at all.

Everybody I have ever loved .... with the exception of just a handful of people ... have died.  I have never been without a grieving period of time in my adult life since 1998.  'Perpetual Grief' .... is a story I wrote telling about this.

I've never known so much grief my life.  The very people 'I loved' ...  died.  I almost died, Skip almost died... some of our precious Pups during that time, died.

Just like that.... I can hear, see, feel something to make me remember the loved ones who are gone.  I can think of Tommy... just like that.  The grief is never gone... no matter what.  I know, I've been in grieving for 12 years so far... this year beginning the thirteenth year.

Not only has all my loved ones died, a lot of 'bad things' have happened to us in our life.  The strange thing is.... that we still 'know everything is going to be all right'.... we never give up hope.

The only time that I 'gave up', didn't care anymore, didn't know I was in the world is ... when Tommy died.  It took so long to 'come back' from his death.  I ... didn't know that I would.  It really didn't matter, I didn't know the difference for so long.

I look back in my mind to 'see me'... during that time... I was lost in darkness... that's 'why in my mind I can't see 'me', then'.  I was gone, in my mind, I see only blackness, dark.

There was a two year or more, period of time ... I didn't know the difference, I was 'dead inside'.

If it hadn't been for Skip, the Pups.......................... my blog would have never been written..... my fingers wouldn't have had any life in them to type my words.

My spirit would have been soaring around in the heavens looking for my only child, my son.... Tommy.  I would have never looked back, I wouldn't have thought to.

Grieving ... is the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life.  You can see the toll it's taken on my face, my body, my mind.  You can hear it in my voice, my words.

You can see it reflected in the way I express myself... you'll see that I no longer take things for granted.... I know better.  You'll see that I will tell you things I feel now... when I wouldn't 'before'.... that way if 'something were to happen to me'.... you would know.

In my way of thinking 'now'... I am sorry for things I've said, done in the past down to the smallest thing.  Sometimes, 'small things' can be 'big' things when someone is hurt... I know.

That's 'why' I say ... it's a shame for people to become older, wiser, know how to make things right ... only to die.  Doesn't that seem such a waste?  We just grow old ... to die.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Kissy...   Kissy Fairchild...   Kissy Fairchild Bates...   Biggie...  Big Boy...    Big Head Rascal...    Bear...    Kissy-Kissy...

All the names above, belong to one special Pup.  He is all of those special names, plus more.

One more special name is 'Stalker'...  you see, Kissy Fairchild knows how to stalk 'good'.  It is so entertaining to watch him, to see him go into action.  His movements become fluid-like, smooth...... his eyes become 'trance-like', alert...

For instance, either Skip or myself, can 'start him up'.  We can stop all of a sudden, look directly at Kissy.  He'll instantly stop what he is doing, 'freeze'... look directly back at us.

Skip can (or I can)... begin moving one foot, hand very slowly, move toward him.... and he will do the same!  So, instead of one stalker, there are two stalkers ... stalking each other!

We laugh when we do this... because when we begin to 'close in' on Kissy... he'll 'come alive', and jump in the air, running toward us to be hugged, loved.  It's so much fun to watch.

Sometimes, we see him while standing at the window... we'll see him begin to 'stalk' Chadwick.  We love to watch what happens next.

Chadwick will stop, look at Kissy... sit down like a 'kangaroo', wait for the right moment, jump at Kissy... they will 'play fight'.  They have the best time.

Kangaroo Jack (Tommy loved that name), Sweet Chadwick, Soft Eyes, Wickster, Wick-Wick...

Those are the nicknames for Chadwick.  He's the other special Pup.  He is one fast Pup... so, is Kissy.  They will chase each other in circles... that's entertaining, also.

Stalking... is the most fun to us... because we can make it happen... anytime!  We like to ... stalk!  :)))

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Anger To My Dying Day ... No Need To Ever Question ... 'Why?'

Tommy holding his newborn son, Taban.  How proud he was, how so proud.  He was the same way when his daughter, McKenzie, was born.  They look so much like him.  Beautiful....


Anger To My Dying Day... No Need To Ever Question... 'Why?'
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I have been going through another 'Tommy Time'.  You have shared it with me many times, reading as I wrote about it.

I wrote honestly, as I promised I would ... how it felt to be 'this grieving mother'.  That's 'why' I began writing this blog... I couldn't find anything to compare with... being a grieving mother.

I can't speak for other mothers who have lost a child/children.  I can say I know from losing my only child, my son... how I have felt.  I don't even know if 'you' can read my blog about grieving... to know if what you are feeling is 'normal'.   I only know what 'I feel'.....

How do you compare one grieving mother's grief... to another grieving mother?  How?  In her mind... 'her' child died, the pain she goes through is from 'her' child.  Think about it for a moment... just for a minute... 'if' it were your child....  see, it's so bad ... that you can't bear even the thoughts of it.  'Your' pain would be greatest.....

It seems I keep going through 'disbelief'... disbelief that such a strong, big guy who loved life, wanted to live it to the fullest ....died.  I look at his photos... I see a 'real' living person who was there for the photo to be taken of him.  How can he not be here... now?

Blocked arteries... it really is a silent killer... the strange thing is... Tommy was going to doctors the most ever..... in his whole life during the weeks prior to his death........ not one of them 'saw anything'... not even one doctor hinted at it.

Silent, invisible..... I can't believe that not one of the doctors who prescribed heavy dosage medicine didn't do an EKG, at least some kind of tests on his heart.  Especially knowing he'd been a long-distanced truck driver for years... one knows they don't usually eat right.

Especially knowing Tommy had just come off the road with a breakdown, suffering from the death of a man he accidentally ... killed.  A man who stepped out of his car, into oncoming traffic... into the path of a tractor-trailer ...driven by my son, Tommy.

I don't even question 'why did it have to be Tommy who hit the man... some cars did in fact 'hit' the man, 'afterwards'... they had no choice in the three fast-moving lanes of traffic on that bridge.  Only it wasn't the man... it was 'parts'.

I'm not going to get answers to my question 'why'... did it have to be Tommy.  As someone would think to ask me .... 'why not Tommy?'  How in the h___ can I answer that question.... 'because he's my son, and I wish he were here, and that's 'why' he died... what he was going through 'disguised' his medical condition.....

Don't I sound so angry at this moment?  I don't mean to ... oh yes, I do!  No, I don't... but, .... I am.  No, I'm not............  I'm not... it just hurts... I feel pain in my heart.  These are just thoughts.... :)))

Can you see a gentle giant of a guy down on one knee, in the middle of the highway... in shock?  Crying... tears on his face... his eyes only focused on the parts of the man lying in the road?  How did the traffic 'not hit' my son, too?

His eyes not seeing any car, or person who slowed down .... after realizing something bad had just happened?  They drove silently past my son, looking straight into his face.... he never saw them.

I stop to think for this moment.... if it were my eyes seeing this gentle giant of a guy down on one knee, in the middle of  Interstate 40 on the bridge (no breakdown lanes)....... what would 'my eyes have seen?'

I would see a blonde-headed guy with eyes frozen wide in shock, tears he never knew were falling from them.... looking around him, at the 'parts... the 'red'.... in the road.  I 'can hear the screaming in his mind' that no one else could hear..............  how long did it take for someone to come, put their arms, their hands out to touch him, comfort him?  How long?

Once the law enforcement arrived, and the IMAP people got there... they began comforting him, talking to him.  They kept telling him it was an accident...

I won't ever forget my son ... he sat in front of me, crying ... 'not seeing me as he tried to tell me what happened' ... as he described the blood, the torso with the heart still beating in it... lying there.

The things he saw.... the things he carried in his mind... oh God, I understood the pain he was in.... I was experiencing it as I watched my own son experience it.  I was sick to my stomach, I felt actual, physical pain.  Mothers do that......

In my mind, I keep hearing his soft voice crying, "mama, mama"..... You see, I still deal with what he went through, I grieved with him... I 'felt like I was there, too'.  That's part of being a mother.... being a part of your child... almost feeling like whatever happens to your child... also, happened to you.

Oh God, the physical pain I felt in my heart when this happened to Tommy... (May 2009).... one year later in the same month... May-2010 ... my son died.  He never got over the death of that man... he came off the road in April-2010... with a breakdown... began going to doctors.

Not one doctor checked his heart ...his heart was broken... not only that, it really was 'broken'..... blocked arteries... he would die at any moment.  It was just a matter of .... days, weeks... from April 1st to May 29th.  (2010)

Tommy suffered, grieved ... was in bad condition just before he died.  You wonder 'why' I grieve the way I do... there's always more to the story when it's told.  There's still ..... more.  It is always like that... true stories have to be told in 'layers'.

He was desperately trying to ... come back to life, to live it.  I even saw several smiles ... just before he died.  Do you see 'why' I talk about his smiles?  He'd quit smiling after that accident....

Just before he went to Myrtle Beach that weekend, he'd talked to someone about going back to school.  He was supposed to meet, ride around with a parole officer... that's what Tommy wanted to do.  He'd been good at that job.

These are thoughts in my head today.  It takes a long time to tell a story... a true story of real events.  Some are too painful... to tell straight-forward.  There's always still 'more'... left untold.  The same as in my life ... it's always going to 'be one day'... only layers at a time can be told, seen.....  too painful.

It's always 'if'.... after things happen.  Just like the 'if a doctor had just checked Tommy's heart'..... damn all the 'ifs'.... yes, I said that!  I felt a flash of pure, hot anger... mixed with pure, raw grief.

Now, it's time to go back to 'being all right' again.  Play the game of life... everything is all right.  I smile again, laugh... never mind if a tear or two falls.

I just think lately... I have felt anger about Tommy's death.  I think about all he suffered prior leading up to his death... he was experiencing 'pure hell', not only that... he was experiencing bad things in his life.

Yes... I guess I'll feel anger to my 'dying day'... I know there are things I'll always live with... things I'll never talk about... unless it's the right place, right time.

Tommy's death ... Tommy's death ... can 'you' imagine 'being in my shoes'... saying your child's name in place of 'Tommy's name'?  Yes, I know you can't bear to even think it, anymore... than saying it.

I know this won't be the last time I'll experience the feelings of anger 'inside'... over my child's death.  For now, it's how I'm feeling.   I'm sure from time to time, I'll experience 'anger to my dying day.'

Not only that.... it never does any good to question 'why?'

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Give Me A Double-Fish Sandwich With Cheese, Please

Tommy had been painting ...when this photo was taken....... I miss my funny son.  He could make me laugh ... a lot.

Give Me A Double-Fish Sandwich With Cheese, Please...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Skip and I decided we'd go to McDonald's to have lunch yesterday... we were talking about Tommy, Skip decided he'd love to have one of Tommy's favorite sandwiches.

We decided to get a double-fish sandwich with cheese.  We drove to our favorite McDonald's located in Louisburg, N.C.  We ordered our sandwiches.  We also, ordered French fries, and drink.

This particular McDonald's is our favorite because everyone takes pride in working there.  It reflects in their clothes... their smiles, and how clean the restaurant is.

I love walking into the restaurant...  I love opening the door to the aroma of fresh coffee, and toasted bread.  It's like somewhere I loved as a child... I just can't put my finger on it.  It's a cozy, comforting scent... one of my very favorites.

Tommy used to love double-fish sandwiches with cheese.  In fact, he told Skip and I about them, how good they are with cheese.  We've eaten them ever since.  We eat them now, to remember Tommy... today... we remembered Tommy when we sat there enjoying the sandwiches.

I told Skip if anyone ever remembered us when we are gone, like we've remembered Tommy ... that would mean we were loved.  We loved Tommy very much.

I kept thinking of something his wife used to tell us about, it was very funny.  I laughed then, I think of it,  I laugh now... it's so 'Tommy.'

She said he'd drive thru the 'drive thru', begin talking in a 'silly-goofus' voice... ordering 'a big ole sweet tea' in a very southern accent mixed with the accent he had from growing up in the NC mountains, she would tell how she would laugh at him.  It was funny!  Not only would she laugh, they would hear laughter from inside.

I sit here thinking of how he'd mimic the cowardly lion on Wizard of Oz, and mimic Billy Bob Thorton... I really loved to hear him do that, I would laugh a lot.

I watched something on tv this morning ... a golfer made a hole, then... he went into a dance from sheer happiness.  Tommy would have danced like that guy did... it was a victory dance, so funny, so... cute'.  Both Skip and I watched, and agreed Tommy would have done that.  :)))

I'm going through a period of time that I am remembering Tommy, hearing him in my mind, looking at his photos not believing he's not... here.  It's hard to believe someone so full of life could be ... gone.

I still don't know how other grieving mothers grieve... all I share with you is 'from this grieving mother.'  Tommy died on May 29, 2010... it really hurts just as bad now.

Tears are as close as a blink of an eye... and a thought.  That's how quickly grief happens with me.  For the moment, I cry a lot of tears... on the inside.  When I'm by myself ... I cry a lot of tears both inside, outside.

I feel the feeling to just scream with anger that Tommy's gone, strike out at I don't know what... sometimes.  Other times, I feel like I want to throw myself on the bed... weep, sob forever.  I think sometimes, I cry in my sleep ... I see it on my face when I wake up.  I wonder if I did last night... my face makes me think that I did .... looking at it in the mirror, today.

The strange thing is... I dreamed of Victoria Fairchild, my main character in my book, last night.  I wonder if I dreamed of Tommy, too?  My face reflects pain, grief today ... I see it when I look into my eyes... I feel head-achy, tears aren't far from the surface.

Tommy was so real to me, so 'Tommy'... do you know, I just miss him so much.  I feel those hot tears in my eyes, they burn my cheeks as they fall.  I do feel mad because he is gone.  My head aches really bad.

I just shared more grieving moments from this grieving mother over her child.  I wanted to tell you exactly how it feels ...  

We did smile, when we got our double-fish sandwiches with cheese at McDonald's.  We ate it in memory of ... Tommy.  I miss you, Son...  I smile thinking about you.  I will never forget you.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Trapped Birds Beating Their Wings Against The Bars, Trying To Escape

The top photo was taken just a short time... before he died that evening on May 29, 2010, Saturday... just after they arrived at Myrtle Beach.  I wonder if you can see anything about that photo to give you a clue that he was going to die that same evening, after the photo was taken?

The bottom photo is of Tommy when he was getting to visit McKenzie, his little daughter.  We all met at a McDonald's that day.  The more Tommy's daughter smiled, the brighter Tommy smiled.  Can't you see how his smile competed with the sunshine that day?

I have these two photos sitting on top of my Tommy's Chest... these are the two photos I wrote about ...... below.  I miss my son very much... I remember how real he was, how so much of a special person he was... I remember my son ... I'll never forget him.

Trapped Birds Beating Their Wings Against the Bars, Trying To Escape...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Yesterday I spent hours proof-reading my book... When She's Good ... She's Good.  I am learning the hard way how to self-publish a book ... I am determined to follow it through.

I want to make it a series about Victoria Fairchild.  I don't want to try to sound like I'm doing anything so great... because, I am just an everyday person trying to get my book in print.  Once I do it, I'll do it again.  :)))  I'm going to also, get a book in print about my life.

It's just a matter of time... when I mean to do something, I make it happen.  It's the first time since Tommy died... that I've meant to do 'something.'  I just haven't cared in so long ... about doing a lot of anything, truthfully.

When I lost Tommy, I lost so much of 'myself'.  I still grieve, I still go into depressions though... I don't talk about them everytime.  I pretend to be alright... when I'm not.

It's easy to sound so happy, convincing ... when I just close my mind to the grief... while 'going through the motions' of being all right.

One has to 'play the game' so, they don't hurt, depress anyone else.  I would never want to do that at all.  When I am to myself, I can quit smiling, quit being so 'wonderfully happy'....  if I want to cry, then... I damn well will.  Yes... I said 'damn' ... I told you that I do say that word ... sometimes.

I have pretended to be 'sick', when what is actually happening is I'm going through a period of grief that is so overwhelming... being 'sick' can disguise it, I don't have to explain to anybody.  It's easier that way... I don't have to say a word about it.  I'm just 'coming down with something'.

Being a grieving mother... well, being 'this grieving mother'... I'm constantly grieving... it never leaves me.  I walk into my art room, or into Skip's study ... there are photos of Tommy sitting around.  I find myself trying to look away.  Why?  It really hurts so bad.  I'm afraid of the pain taking me on a ride that 'last forever.'

I'm afraid of the darkness, I don't want Skip to see me like that, he has enough to worry him.  I don't want him to think 'oh no, it's happening again, and I have to worry'.

It's ... hard to come out of the darkness of grief... it's scary, I get panicky, and 'the birds that are trapped' sensation is in my stomach... their 'wings fluttering fast, beating against the bars of the cage to try to escape'.  I feel it 'just a little' at this moment.  I can't hardly bear that feeling.

Death ... death scares me.  Tommy's death has forever affected me in many ways.  I can't get over it, I can pretend only for so long.  I can agree with everyone when they say 'comforting' things ... but, deep down inside, it doesn't change what I am feeling 'inside'.

I 'know' all the good things I'm supposed to do, to feel... I know everything is going to be all right.  I know so, many things I can tell myself to 'make me feel better'.

Sometimes ... I am saying 'sometimes'.... there are times .... when 'none of all those good things matter'.. there are times when one's feelings are 'stripped down to the naked wires'... like stripping down to the naked wires on a electrical cord.  It's pure, raw .... grief.  Nothing helps when that happens... oh, how my head aches at this very moment.

I have two photos that sit on Tommy's Chest ... one of when we met McKenzie and her mother at a McDonald's some years ago.  He was smiling like the sunshine... he was so happy to see his daughter.  When she smiled at him, his smile became brighter... in fact, it was brighter than the sun that particular day.

The second photo is of him taken ... just a short time that evening 'before' he died.  I look at it all the time... I can't see anything in the photo to give me a clue that he was going to die in just a few hours.  He was driving when it was taken.

I look at it, I try not to look at it... I look at it, I try not to look at it.  I feel pain, I feel anger when I look at it.  I feel that panicky feeling like the trapped birds trying to escape the cage... when I look at it.  I feel it again as, I write about it.

I was thinking just now... here I sit, trying to share with you feelings again of this grieving mother.  It is happening again at this very moment.  I told you that I would try to tell you honestly how it feels.  I came here to my keyboard to share it with you.  I wonder if you can possibly feel it ... reading my words.

At this very moment, my stomach feels sick ... my head has begun to hurt, my eyes burn.  I'm going to have to get up, move around some... because sometimes... the pain's so great that I can't be still.

Do you see how I began to write one thing ... and it didn't take long for me to begin writing about Tommy?  That's just how it is ... the grief is never any 'farther away than that'.  In this case... grief wasn't any farther away than 'just a few typed words'.

My stomach has that feeling, I wish it would go away.  That panicky sensation of 'trapped birds in a cage trying to beat their wings against the bars... to escape'.  It feels ... scary, and I have to take deep breaths.

I'm trying to open the door of that cage... to let the birds fly... free.  The trapped birds that are trying to beat their wings against the bars to escape.