Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Friday, March 15, 2013
I Wonder If Chest Pain Could Be Grief?...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I'm feeling much better this morning. I hope that pain doesn't come back. I keep feeling sort of anxious... like 'is it going to come back?'
I appreciate everyone letting me know they cared. I had a Lexiscan Nuclear Stress test several days ago. I thought maybe the pain in my chest could have been something that commonly happened after the test.
I called my cardiologist, and found out that it isn't something that happens after the test. So, I'm not sure if stress, or what... caused that pain.
One never knows 'if it's the real thing'... so, I monitored myself constantly. I know that I couldn't sit still long enough at my computer to write. Finally, I laid down... and slept many hours... I feel better this morning.
Maybe, I was worrying much more than I realized ... about the results from that test. My son, Tommy, died with two heart blockages... he never had opportunity to get that test. I was afraid I was going to have blockages, since I was older. Tommy was only 40 years old.
I wonder if all of this had something to do with my chest pain? I may have not realized it. Tommy is always in the back of my mind, so... it's very possible.
I have written my book about grieving for Tommy. I think I may have thought that 'magically'... I wouldn't cry again, or feel sad again... 'because it's all in my book'. Not true.
I'm finding that out. I still feel that pain, I still want to cry. My chest pain may stem from this. I told Skip that I'm older... and my test showed that I don't have a blockage.... yet, Tommy was only 40 years old... he died with two blockages. I just don't understand... it does make me cry.
The normal percentage was 50%-70% from the test.... mine was 58% heart function. This is supposed to be good, I'm so glad. I'll take all I can get. :))) I'm so ... thankful. I could have 'not' been here to 'have this'... so, you won't hear me complain.
It's my trade-off to live... one of the drugs in my chemotherapy treatments, damaged my heart. Adriamycin... but, that's okay with me... I'm here, I'm grateful. One never understands any of this... unless you've been through similar.
Thank all you for your comments, caring. It means the world to me. So far... this morning, this moment... my chest doesn't hurt. I look forward to writing again... I can concentrate like this. :))) Love, Granny Gee/Gloria :))) I wonder if my chest pain could be just pure grief?