Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Bittersweet Mother's Day...
Bittersweet Mother's Day...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I have been waiting for this day... sort of with dread. I've been waiting for it to... go by, be behind me. Today, isn't my day... anymore.
I didn't think I would write at all this weekend. So much has been going on in our life, most all stress... not the best. You wouldn't believe, I won't even try to write it here. It's been really... a bad week, not only for me... Skip has had a bad time. I worry for his health now...
Well... today is finally here. 'The' day ... Mother's Day. I'm not a mother any longer... I'm a used-to-be mother... I was a mother at one time. Now... I'm not. Can you tell... I tell myself this often. I tell myself this with anger, sometimes.
It really does hurt thinking about it... the pain is still there. I even feel anger because you see... I still know how it feels to be 'Mother', to be a 'mama'. I still know how it feels when my child told me he loved me, and he was glad I was his ... mother. I still know these things.... I'm like 'memory wire'... I don't forget my shape.
I've been thinking a lot... about Tommy. I've been thinking about what I wrote not long ago... 'no matter what, everything will be alright'. It's true, no matter how much pain, tears I have... everything really will be all right. I 'know' that now. I'm going to make it now... pain or no pain... pain or ... pain... or pain or no pain. I'm past the danger point of 'not making it'...
Today, in my mind I'm seeing in just a few minutes 'everywhere'... families are, will be sitting down for a Mother's Day meal. I 'see sunshine' in my mind... reflecting happiness of my thoughts as I think of you.... Happy, Beautiful Mother's Day to you!
I can 'hear you all laughing, talking, happy to be with your mothers, mothers happy to be with their children'. Beautiful... you don't know 'I'm here'.... nor are you aware... that I smile for you, am happy for you. Not only that, my heart goes out to the mothers I've met... who have become... who were already like me.
See, my time has come and gone... I am an onlooker now. I neither have a mother, nor a child... any longer. I didn't choose this, anymore than I chose to have non-Hodgkins lymphoma/cancer. Life makes a lot of choices for us... I had no say. Of course, if I could... I would choose not to have had cancer; not to have lost Tommy, and I'd still have my mother.
I am wishing you such special Mother's Day memories, happiness. Hopefully, you never go on to be like me... that is all I have now... those memories. I pray that all of you will go on to 'keep making beautiful Mother's Day memories'. Thankfully, I have special memories...
To look at, just as one would take an old movie reel out, crank it up, play the movies of the past. Chevy Chase comes to my mind... as he sat up in the attic watching movies of the past, tears in his eyes, sad smile on his face.... bittersweet. Bittersweet like ... me. I can hear the music playing, tugging at my heart, making me want to cry. I won't... I won't cry today... I mean it, now.
I loved when he crashed through the attic... it stopped all the emotional stuff... making him 'feel real life' again. I didn't really like for him to crash through the attic... there's some anger inside me; it is responsible for me saying that.
I'm not really mad... I just 'feel mad'... is there a difference? I think it is... but, I don't feel like trying to explain. 'I'm not really mad'... but, I feel like... being mad. I wish Tommy were here... but, you know... I know, he isn't/can't be. I can be mad all I want to, it makes no difference.
I realize I'm trying to tell you about 'this used-to-be mother'... tell you how it feels 'today, Mother's Day'... when a mother's child has died. There, I said it again... when a mother's child has died... my child died. I have a problem 'still'... I am always saying 'when Tommy went to heaven; when he passed away; he's gone now'. When I say the word 'die'... I'm most aware of it.
Today is a bittersweet day for me... it's like putting parts of this emotion, that emotion into a blender... turning it on. As it swirls to mix 'all equally'... you see tears, you see anger, you see grief, you see a mother's heart hurting as she remembers good things; sees smiles, hears her child's voice in her mind. When it all finally mixes equally... it becomes 'bittersweet like me'... mixture of sad, good things. It's a happy smile tinted with sadness on one's lips, in one's eyes.
'Bittersweet'... strange how that word stood out to me in a book many years ago, when I was a little girl. I never knew I would go on to know what that word really meant... or have it associated with me. I love the word, though. It does describe me accurately... I'm a mixture of 'bitter, sweet'... I think more 'sweet' than bitter.
This is a bittersweet Mother's Day... an equal mixture of all emotions that I can... deal with now. Everything will be all right, no matter what. That doesn't mean everything is 'perfect'... only that it can be all right, because it has to be.