Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Monday, March 17, 2014
To Lay In Darkness... Dying
To Lay In Darkness ... Dying
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
So cold... I can't see; I seem to have my eyes closed all the time
My skin itches... I try to scratch it gently... I don't know if I do
So cold... can't seem to get warm... tons of blankets lay over me
100 degree weather... I am so... cold as I lay in darkness
Coughing, whispering... I'm not sure I'm talking... who cares
Have you eaten today... yes, I have.. I answer each time
How do I know... I can't even think... I answer 'yes'
I don't want to cause worry... I'm not suffering, I'm alright
Dying... I'm not aware that I lay dying, I don't remember
Why I lay here in darkness, my body cold, itching
I think I scratch my skin... I'm not sure
I don't feel any pain, hunger... I don't feel anything
All I have left is... my hearing
Even my thoughts aren't thoughts anymore; they just ... are
My mama comes to tuck me in... just as she did when I was a child
Pulled the blankets up around my ears to keep them warm
I close my eyes, I think they're already closed... feel her love
Mama, don't leave me here alone in the darkness
No, I am not afraid now, to die... you bring me comfort
Just as you did when I was a child... when you tucked me in
I can only hear... I'm not aware that it's called 'hearing', now
I'm not aware of anything... but, I hear
I know it's Skip's voice asking me if I ate while he was at work
I automatically answer 'yes'... I hear... relief in his voice
I can't see his face, but... I know... he is standing close by
I hear his footsteps walk away
For a brief moment... or is it more than a moment... I don't know
I am aware of being on my feet... I am walking while holding
Onto things while I go my way
I found out months later that I did a lot of things while in
The darkness... though I couldn't see ... didn't remember
Did that come from living with a blind man as a tiny child
Was I blind... I may as well have been... all I saw was... darkness
God, how cold it is when in the darkness... I couldn't get warm
Doctors... riding... Skip holding me so, I could walk... darkness
I couldn't see the colors of my world... I forgot they were there
Darkness hid them... the only color I could see... was black
I don't remember looking for my colors... I didn't look for anything
Dying... I was always afraid to die... somehow, Death came for me
I didn't recognize it... so, I didn't know to be afraid
Maybe... because I didn't feel pain... I didn't know to be afraid
Awareness for a moment... I was holding the phone, I tried to talk
I was very weak... floating in my dark, dark world
I couldn't speak above a whisper... the voice on the phone was concerned
I was asleep in darkness... when I woke, I was in darkness
I still held the phone... I whispered, heard a voice
Darkness took me again... I don't know what happened to the phone
Sitting in a wheelchair... I became aware it was time for surgery
I looked up at Skip... I could see his face... his beautiful face
I'm so glad to be here... I can't make it another day
Note by this Author:
I lay dying... all I knew was darkness... briefly becoming aware of all around me... then, darkness. I would imagine my mother being there to comfort me by tucking the blankets around my ears to keep them warm.
From the month of May to July... each day I became very ill until I almost died. Skip worked in management at a company in Raleigh, every day... and would take off to take me to specialists to find out what was wrong with me.
I was diagnosed finally with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. A large mass (cancerous cells) was on my right lung, resting against my heart. It also, was cutting off my air... until when I tried to blow in the device to measure breathing... I barely lifted the little ball up with my breath.
I remember only once being afraid to die during this time. The rest of the time, as afraid of dying as I was... I wouldn't have known to be afraid of ... death.
I was in the shower... the steam began smothering me. I was too weak to get out of the shower by myself. I began crying out to Skip to help me... I couldn't breathe.
When I laid in darkness, I must have only needed a little breath to keep me alive... I don't remember not being able to breathe.
I have sat here thinking of how to describe how it feels to lay dying. I'm not sad, depressed... dying is a fact of life... we all are going to do it someday. Truthfully, I don't want to... I'm afraid to die... unless like what I described above... I wasn't aware I was... dying.
I tried to describe fleeting moments of thought, awareness. Have you ever wondered about dying? This is only a small description of knowing how it is to lay ... dying.