Thursday, November 20, 2014

It's So Funny ... That I Cry ... Laughing

It's So Funny ... That I Cry ... Laughing
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

(November 20, 2014 ... my son, Tommy, would have been 44 years old, today ... somehow, I got his birthday, Thanksgiving Day mixed up) ...


I didn't know I would cry ... today. Hey, I really didn't think I would cry ... anymore. You know ... everything is ... alright. Didn't I tell you it was? If I 'tell you' ... then, it's so.

I haven't cried one time ... I've cried several times ... and the day is just getting started. It's only 8:56 am. I have a feeling ... I'm going to shed more tears as the day goes by.

Now ... I know the ... source ... of being more emotional for the past week ... the feeling of choking on my tears; the feeling that if I begin to cry, I won't be able to stop.

Yet ... I am happy, now. Why would I be crying if I'm so happy? Do you know ... I wouldn't even talk about this to anyone ... but, I made a promise to many people ... 'you'.

'You' ... my readers, followers, friends ... it's the very reason I began to write, to blog ... to share the most worst feeling in this world.  To share something I know well in my life since being a child ... pain, grief of losing someone all the time ... whether they lived, died.

I promised to tell you 'like it really is' ...what 'really goes on' at every stage of ... 'this mother's grief'. My grief for the loss of my only child, my son ... Tommy.

I can't speak for anyone else ... I don't talk to anyone about ... grief. I can't. I can tell them I care ... am on the same journey in life ... when a mother loses her child. I can say I 'know you hurt', because I have ... oh, my God, I still do. I can say it, because I 'really know ... am experiencing' it for the rest of my life.

I'll never be a mother again ... it's always going to be that way ... until I am taking my last breath. I will be a ... dead, motherless woman when that day comes. Oh no! I want to laugh ... that sounds so funny. It's honestly what came to my mind ... so, I said it.

It sounds so funny, I'm going to cry again. This kind of humor hurts ... I tell myself something 'funny' ... then, I cry. Then ... for a few seconds ... I am mad. But ... I don't go wasting my time, wishing for Tommy to come back. That's all it is ... a waste of time. He's not going to come back ... even if I stood on my head. Nothing I do, say ... is going to change a thing. I'm not going to keep banging my head against the wall ...

I feel the waves of pain wash over me ... making my whole body shudder under the weight. My tears add to the already deep ocean of grief ... I've cried since the evening of May 29, 2010 ... has it been that long? It doesn't seem like that long ... until I actually said, wrote it.

Should I somehow, stop grieving automatically 'by now'? Is there something I don't know that other grieving mothers know? Am I grieving right ... is there a wrong, or right way? I ... learn as I go. I already knew how to grieve ... I lost most all my family.

It was just that I didn't know how to grieve for the loss ... of 'my own flesh, blood' ... my only child.

I know ... now. I'm still crying for Tommy ... I thought I could fool myself. I thought if 'I told you all' ... that everything's alright, that I didn't think I would cry anymore ... then, I wouldn't. I thought if I 'told you' ... then, I 'couldn't' cry anymore. This was my first test since telling you ... I'm sorry I lied to you.

I thought I would make myself never cry again ... because I would have to tell you ... I lied to you. Well, I did lie to you ... but, I really didn't mean to.

It was like a thief in the night ... if it had been a real thief ... I would be dead ... because I never heard, saw it coming. Grief is making itself known ... today ... Tommy's birthday.

I really 'knew' when this day came ... I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't feel all the terrible pain ... I've accepted it all. I've been feeling so happy ... strange enough, I still ... feel so happy!

I can't change a thing ... so, why should I cry about it. It's life ... it's death ... there's not a ... damn ... thing I can do about it.

Oh my ... I even feel 'just a tad angry' ... can you hear it in my words. I didn't mean to be. I'm not mad at all.

Yes, I know ... I've been telling you it's all going to be alright ... 'now'. It really is ... but, it doesn't stop the pain. Not only that ... the pain can blindside one ... me. I didn't see it coming. I 'knew' I was more emotional than I've been this past week ... for some time. I know 'why' ... now.

It's so strange ... I knew Tommy's birthday would be soon ... somehow, without realizing it ... I skipped to Thanksgiving Day ... today. Where did Tommy's birthday go? How did I think I was going to get past that? Well, if I 'didn't know' ... that's how, I guess.

In my mind ... today was going to be Thanksgiving Day. Now, that I think about it ... when was I going to realize ... Tommy's birthday comes before Thanksgiving ... did I 'go crazy, and not know it'? You know ... 'am I right'? I'm okay ... just trying to be 'funny' again.

Hellfire! I cooked our Thanksgiving Day meal, yesterday. If you stop a minute ... it's so funny! I think it's so funny that I ... cry ... laughing.

Well, we've already 'celebrated Thanksgiving' ... damn! It's so funny ... that I cry ... laughing.




1 comment:

  1. I think you will probably hurt for Tommy forever. I think that would be natural for anyone that has lost a child. I believe that you didn't just forget about Tommy's birthday but your mind was trying to avoid the pain that you would have with the remembering him. Well, you said you had already cooked Thanksgiving dinner-----well-----this year you will get to have 2 Thanksgiving Dinners! I know you are going to be alright because you are a strong person. As always, I am here for you if you need me. Love, Ms. Nancy