So ... If That Means Being A 'Goody Two-Shoes' ... So Be It!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee (&grannygee)
I have been thinking a lot ... what do I think about ... so much? Truthfully, my mind never stays on any one thing. Too boring. It would be like painting all in ... one color ... if I thought about only a few things.
Not only that ... I think about things most people wouldn't think about. That's like ... painting in exotic colors. I think in colors ... the stories in my life are ... the colors of my life.
The color I hate the worst is ... black. Somehow, 'black' has touched my life with its unwelcomed color ... a lot, through the years. I'd rather choose a black color when I needed it ... like when I outline my drawings ... with a Sharpie pen.
The worse black color is ... death. Death of a dear, loved one. I have experienced many shades of black ... I have lost most all my family. I lost the very members of ... my family ... that I truly loved, as a child. I'm not saying I liked them ... as an adult, though.
Several ... one in particular ... was ... evil. Maybe because of living in the house that guarded one of the portals ... to hell. It's a wonder I'm not a ... demon. Maybe that's why I could be a demon ... if I didn't have so, much 'good' in me.
I love happy, good, heart-touching things in life. I was different ... in my family. If I'd been 'bad', I would have been looked up to, admired. How do I know? I took a few 'bad' roads in my life ... they loved it.
I 'wasn't bad enough' to travel the roads I began to try to go down ... 'I had to come back'. I wasn't ... tough enough. I was 'too good' ... inside. I couldn't do ... 'bad' things that hurt others. I didn't like to be mean, hateful ... evil.
I would have been good at it ... if 'there had been a bad bone' in my body. I learned from the best ... I 'lost respect' when I wouldn't go on to be 'bad' ... I also, gained a 'reluctant respect' because ... I had the nerve to say ... no! I was called something I hated to be called ... that's not 'me' at all ...'goody two-shoes'.
I know how it feels to hurt ... I know many shades of pain ... the very worse being ... the death of Tommy, my son. Many of my followers, readers know this about me ... you've all traveled on this road ... with me.
I promised you I would tell you how a mother's grief really is, as it happened. I have kept my promise, just as I'll always write about the grief as it happens through time. Write about it ... as it changes.
I'm glad to ... be at this stage in my grief. I can live now ... I can smile, laugh, truly feel happiness ... now. It's wonderful to do this ... without feeling ... such guilt.
My blog was born out of grief for my son. Thank-God, I had it to go to ... truthfully, I would have never made it this far ... if I hadn't had an outlet. Thank-God, I found a way to let the river of pain ... flow out as it tried to destroy me. Thank-God, all of you have been there these past four years ... encouraging, caring about me.
There was a time after Tommy died ... I did almost die. Skip stopped that from happening. There is a powerful medicine that was given to me ... I'm not used to taking such medicine ...
I couldn't remember taking it ... I didn't realize I was taking it ... each time I woke up. I've never taken drugs ... and this was the most powerful medicine I ever met up with.
I wasn't aware Skip was watching me, worrying about me ... dying. He broke through my grief to make me realize I almost died. He stood watching me ... he told me he couldn't hear me breathe, barely see me breathing. He was very afraid for me.
After several weeks ... I began to go the grief 'all by myself'. I never took medicine again. I met that 'damn grief ... head on'. I was in another world ... one that was foggy, stormy, dark ... scary.
I've never known such horrible ... storms ... in my life. This ship ... stood in the wind ... battered as hell ... but, I'm still here.
I do remember this ... people say the 'damnest things' ... thinking it helped me. I stayed away from them ... they thought my son was 'in a better place' ... In a better place? He didn't want to die to go to a 'better place'.
I didn't feel comfort from those words ... in fact, it made me angry ... inside, though ... I knew people were well-meaning. They'd heard that all their life ... and they encountered a situation when that was ... all they knew to say. I know ... if it had been their child ... those words were be last ones they would want to hear ... they just hadn't been in that situation ... yet.
Today, the thoughts in my mind have been ... sort of like when you want to go back in the past ... try to move things out of your way ... so, you can see what happened. I try to do that in my mind ... go back to see, remember those three years I've lost, grieving for my child.
I think I'm stronger now ... I want to know. You know more from my writing what happened ... than what I ... remember. Those of you who have faithfully followed me for the whole time ... have meant the world to me.
It's strange how 'threes' have played a part in my life. Three years of the worst grief I've ever known. Three years of battling cancer (non-Hodgkin lymphoma) to live. Three seems to be an important number in my life.
I give a person 'normally' ... three chances to do right with me. After the third time ... that's it. I stay nice ... but, I don't forget ... never. I smile ...
I could go on, I won't. I'm sure you also, have a limit in your life with 'how much you'll put up with'. If you don't ... you just as well lay down on the floor with your rugs ... act like one so, people can physically ... step on you. It all hurts ... just as bad.
Today ... the sky is gray, cloudy. I'm sure they influenced my thoughts as I wrote. I can imagine if the sunshine had been out ... I would have written on a lighter note. These seem to be my thoughts for today ... for a few minutes ... at least :)
You know I'm not a gloomy person ... I know that no matter how bad things get, are ... one way or the other ... everything's going to be alright. It always is ... I know this for a fact.
I've had many, many bad things in my life ... somehow, though sometimes, it takes time ... everything finally became ... alright.
I don't think many of us can go through a lifetime without seeing dark colors in our life. The good thing is there are many ... shades of colors in life.
I hope to see many, many colors in my life, at this stage. I would like to know many good things, experience many good things, hear many good things... feel them all. I would love to see many good things happen in everyone's life ...
I would love to hear about them ... I love for my Heart to be touched.
It's the tears of joy that bother me ... they wet my face ... make my nose stuffy, hard to breathe ... make my Heart feel like a big fireplace that only burns brighter, happier like another log's been thrown on it ... when I hear of good things ... happening to you.
I do know what happiness feels like (I'm so happy, now) ... happiness feels good ... happy :)! I wish it for you, too. Happiness feels good! So, if that means being a 'goody two-shoes' ... so, be it!
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)