By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee
My Book ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. Tommy will always be remembered
My Soul hurts ... or is that my Heart aching ... something hurts, I'm not sure which it is ... Soul ... Heart. I wonder 'really' ... what the difference is? Really ... what is the difference? You think I would know. Soul-ache ... Heartache?
Just because everything ... is alright, doesn't mean pain 'just disappeared' ... just like that. But, you know that ... I know you do, because ...
Because ... I don't have a monopoly on pain. Because ... I'm not the only one who hurts, who has hurt.
You know how it feels ... there are many of you ... who hurt worse than I do ... in a worse way that makes it much harder in your life's journey ... to get to where ... 'everything's going to be alright'.
Sadly ... there are people who might not get to a point in time ... to know 'everything really can be ... alright' ... enough, to be able to cope with their pain. Sadly, there are people who will never know, they are damaged so much ... or they aren't here, anymore.
I can only say from 'all' in my life, I'm fortunate to 'know' ... I promise you, there's so much more than I have even told you, or will tell you that have caused me grief, pain from the time of being a little child, through the years ... until now.
I 'kept trudging through storm after storm, time and time again' ... I fell down, crawled, fought tooth and nail to get back up ... cried, screamed, kicked inside ... sometimes, aloud ... when no one was around.
Mostly all ... was done in silence ... no one knew the difference as I didn't share my private feelings with them. Pride ... wouldn't let me. That big, bright smile everyone loved to see ... I showed it to make ... people, happy. It didn't matter if I wasn't ... inside.
I smiled bigger ... whenever someone would say to me that they just knew ... I was the happiest person around. Well, I guess them saying that ... did make me feel that way. I was glad I didn't pull their moods down ... I was glad ... I fooled them, didn't have to be questioned. I want them to be alright ... I can take care of me.
Somehow, each time ... everything got to a place where ... it was alright; enough so, I could live with the ... aftermath. You'd be surprised what a human being's Heart can take ... I feel grief for the ones ... who couldn't.
I was almost one of them at several times in my life ... I know how it feels to 'get to that point in time' ... right to the moment of making the decision to ... I've been past the ... point of no return. Somehow ... I came back, through no choice of mine.
Am I here for a good reason ... is it possible for this one person ... nobody special ... to make any kind of positive impact on this old world? I can't imagine. I only have one Heart ... it does care about ... the whole world.
Really, does one Heart matter? Does mine? I'm no one compared to the millions of people in this world. Does it matter that I care about you, them ... everyone?
I don't have any money to show, give you ... I don't have anything to show you I care. Can you feel it? Does it matter? Will you laugh at me, think 'what does it matter if she can't give me anything'? Would 'just knowing, sensing' ... that this person cares ... mean anything? Could it? Who am I? What does it matter?
I'm no different ... yet, I am ... from the thousands of people my age ... who are getting older. I will one day ... be old.
How can one person stand out among so many people? I have watched older people being ignored for the simple fact ... that they are 'old'. I've watched them be looked over, not listened to because ... everyone knows an old person 'don't know nothing'.
I've watched older people be yelled at ... because ... old people are deaf, dumb ... stupid. Their feelings don't matter ... because they are old farts. Who cares about them? Their time has come, gone.
'Old' people are nobody ... now. Let's walk all over them ... wish them to die as soon as possible so, we can take all their good belongings ... especially money, and enjoy it ourselves. They just stand in the way ... between us, and a good time ... all because ... they are breathing air we need.
How can it matter what one person feels ... among so many people? We are like a field of flowers ... all beautiful ... how in the world can one flower ... stand out? Yet ... somehow, we do.
I want to be a beautiful flower ... I want to stand out for being a good person. Does it even matter ... at The End? Does it?
If I died this moment ... wouldn't I be forgotten? That lady who wrote about pain, grief ... yet, had such a love for people, animals? Who cried in secret for the pain ... people, pets have to suffer through? Who loved her Husband, Pups with her very being ... who was loyal, decent, honest to them?
Does any of this ... really matter? Does it? What's so special about that?
I can draw, paint ... write. I can do many things ... at least, a little enough for someone to take a little notice. I don't do any one thing ... great. If I could sing ... I shouldn't have mentioned that ... it brings back 'bad memories' ... not bad-bad :)
It's just almost as soon as I think of 'me singing' ... I think of the time I was in the church choir as a child ... I was told not to sing ... out loud. Only when I felt defiant ... I would sing aloud, stare at anyone who looked at me to shut up ... damn, I wanted to sing, too!
There were certain people, I have to be honest ... if they looked at me with those mean-ass, beady eyes with pursed lips ... I would deliberately sing 'worse' ... to fix them! Yes ... I can be 'mean' sometimes, :) Life happens, is all I got to say about it.
Why in the world would I be defiant? Why did I do that? Did it matter? I know it pissed off some old people, when I did that. Was it meant ... that they ... needed to be pissed off? I can hear Tommy saying ... "well, isn't it better to be pissed off ... than to be pissed on"?
I smile ... Tommy was so darn funny ... when he and Skip got together ... oh my, the entertainment I got to enjoy, watching and listening to them. Can you imagine how I miss that? Does it even matter? Does it matter, that I had such feelings? When I die, no one will know that ... if they do, who cares?
Sometimes ... I write to entertain ... myself. Sometimes ... well, I used to, but ... no more, I used to do silly things to send in a video to Tommy on the road, to make him laugh. He would crack up ... call me, and say ... "Mama, is you crazy"? He did the same things. It was just so funny.
One of those things I did ... was to sing. Yep, that's right. I knew he would get a kick out of that. His mama could not ... sing. His mama's son ... could not sing, either! The laughs we got out of 'trying to sing' ... Tommy would tell me he was going to audition on American Idol. I'd beg him not to, ha! He would say, "Mama, you are just jealous because I can sing ... and you can't"!
Tommy ... can you tell I miss my son? Can you tell I loved him with my very Mother's Heart? Can you tell I'll always ... cry for Tommy ... even when I'm at my happiest? Can you tell? Does it matter? How can it matter to anyone ...
Skip, Tommy, and I ... were so close. Being ourselves ... being there for the other ... knowing we weren't alone as long as we had each other, no matter where we were in this big, old world ... meant everything.
Skip, Tommy, and I ... and our Pups. Like a strong, sturdy table with four legs ... now, it only has 3 legs, now. Strong 3 legs ... now. I'm holding my side up 'good', now. I don't plan to fall down ... if I do ... watch my ass get up, support that table again. That ... table is my world ... Skip, and our Pups ... and Me. Yes, it ... matters :)
Yes ... it matters. Why? Because it's a part of my life ... to live is for all to matter. If not ... what's the purpose of living? I care about everything that touches my life, my thoughts ... my everything. I care about people who don't care about me, I care about things I can't change. Does it matter?
Since Sunday, when ... 'Granny Gee' died ... when her little grandson looked at her without the special 'Granny Gee light' in his eyes ... didn't run calling 'Granny Gee' like he used to ... didn't really want to come hug me ... I've been experiencing a 'bad' time.
I would think I was alright ... when I would realize I wasn't; Skip would say he knew 'why' I wasn't myself ... because I became upset easily.
I would come to my computer, hoping to be inspired to write. I just couldn't (now ... I just stayed up most of the night :). Now ... I have written my thoughts ... shared them with you.
Before I quit writing (it's morning, now!), I want to tell you how seeing all the things each of you wrote to me on Facebook, emails, messages ... meant so much to me.
Did it matter? Yes ... yes, it did from every single person. It meant my world. I 'felt' the words from each of you ... it was like putting logs on the fireplace ... my Heart felt the warmth it needed to keep beating. I needed your words ... it's simple as that ... they all mattered to me. I'm telling you ... if I didn't, how could you know ... that it mattered greatly to ... me?
Does it matter to you ... what I think? Who cares? Regardless ... I've sat here, most of the night ... plucking thoughts from the air, as I thought them ... writing about them, sharing them with you.
Grief, pain ... emotional turmoil have been with me once again ... since Sunday... this morning is Thursday at 5:47 am.
Am I alright? Yes ... I can finally say ... yes. Why? Because ... I kept working at coping with Sunday's event. I made myself face it ... I have two grandchildren ... I don't have two grandchildren. Either way, I accept ... both ways, I accept. I have let go of it ... I can't change it.
I can live with it, now. This has nothing to do with all my Special Grandmother's Love for them ... that's forever. If I never saw them again while I am living ... my Love will live on for them.
They will read it one day ... at least, there will be a part of me that lives on ... my words that I write. It does matter that both of them know that I loved them ... no matter, if they are growing up to think their father's mother isn't special in their lives.
Everything's okay ... everything's alright ... because I have made it so.
Photos/Story are both owned by me, #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. I have finally got to the point ... everything's going to be alright.