Wednesday, December 24, 2014

I Didn't Know The World Was Big Enough For Both ... Grief Of Losing My Son ... Me

I Didn't Know The World Was Big Enough For Both ... Grief Of Losing My Son ... Me
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


Photos of Tommy, Skip, myself, my artwork, beadwork; I made fireplace in the photo with our Christmas tree this year... dragonfly picture (Tommy loved dragonflies) .... owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


I have made it to another Christmas ... never knowing ... I could ever feel joy, happiness in my Heart, again. 

My only child, Tommy, died May 29, 2010, at the young age of 40. He had blockages to his heart ... no one knew. He ... was at Myrtle Beach ... running, playing with his little 3 year old son ... when he collapsed on the sand.

Tommy's spirit soared with the angels who came to take him home. The last sounds he heard ... were the laughter of a precious, little boy ... sea gulls singing to him as the ocean waves softly played in the background. Come home, Tommy ...

I can't in no way ... describe the grief I've suffered. Grief ... there wasn't enough room in this world for my grief ... myself. I almost ... had to go ... to make it bearable. How in the world does a mother ... learn to live without the child she brought into the world?

Of course, if you've never lost a child ... you can't even begin to understand, nor ... imagine. I do know you can begin to think about your child being 'gone' ... you will panic inside, have to stop trying to imagine.

Why? Because ... you don't want to think of this world without your child in it. Oh, my God ... the pain. Pain just from 'thinking about it' for a moment, or two. Just think if it were the 'real thing' ... that it really happened.

I'm glad you have your children. It makes my Heart happy when I see you with them. I smile when you don't know it ... I love to see families, hear ... their happy, family sounds.

My Heart breaks if I see unhappiness in a family ... I have to not look. My thought is that they just don't know how fortunate they are to have each other. If I think closer, I realize that there are others like me ... who will never have a normal family relationship with loved ones.

Some families are 'f____ up' before they are born ... things are somehow, born in them ... when they come into this world, they come in kicking, screaming ... full of hate, anger. If you see a happy smile ... watch out ... someone else is hurting, someone else had to 'pay for' that happy smile. Just hope it isn't ... your ass.

This is life ... just the way it is. I don't sugar-coat it. I see it this way, I have felt it ... this way ... since I began aware of being a little person with thoughts. I've known grief, sadness, pain all my life ... it's a part of me just as breathing.

I also, know how it feels to smile, laugh ... feel the happiness of happy! It just never lasted very long in my life ... just enough to get a taste of it ... wish for so much more.

Once in a while, I allow myself to ask 'why can't I have happiness all the time'? I stop as soon as the question forms in my mind. So, I tell myself that no matter what ... everything will somehow find a way to be alright .... at times, it'll take longer ... but, it will be alright.

I just have to be happy while I'm sad, grieving ... or in pain. I'm never going to feel one ... without the other. I just have to make the best of it ... or just ... die. I love to live ...

Thank-God for writing ... thank-God for Skip, our Pups ... and thank-God for ... you. I made it, to 'now' ... Truthfully, I never 'saw ahead this far'.

I fought the battle of my life ... losing a child is a terrible war inside. I won ... I'm here ... and for-real, everything is alright. Not 'going to be' ... it 'is'.

I wish all mothers, fathers ... the most wonderful holidays with their children. Hold them close to your Heart ... I pray you never lose them. Parents should never live to see their children ... die.

The perfect way would be for parents to grow old gracefully ... go before their children. The world is ... not perfect.

I didn't know the world was big enough for both the grief of losing my son ... me.


Photos, story owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

#grief during holidays #loss of a child #grief #Gloria Faye Brown Bates #Granny Gee


1 comment:

  1. I definitely agree with you! No parent should outlive their child even though we have no control over it. I wish there was something I could do take away your pain. You know I am here for you. You have come a long way and I am so proud of you! Love, Ms. Nancy