By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee
Truthfully ... I am 'Granny Gee' ... in name, only. It'll never-ever be 'Granny Gee' ... in real life, again.
At this point in my life ... with what happened yesterday ... 'I' ... would never-ever allow it to be 'more than name, only' ... ever again.
Before, I explain what I mean ... keep these facts in mind. I am not going to argue with anyone about 'how I feel'. I 'feel' it ... this is the way I am reacting to it at this time ... 'I could' ... change one day. It's not the end of the world ... for-real, everything will be alright.
It's my way ... of coping with something so painful ... that almost sent me back into the 'grieving world'. I'm stronger than I even knew ... I'm a good person ... the love I feel for my grandson, granddaughter ... is always there. I'm not 'there' ... but, my love is.
Everything you might want to say ... please don't. I know those things, already. This is how I feel at the moment ... everything is alright.
Also, I was crushed with the most powerful wave of pain, yesterday. To tell you the truth ... it's been hard to 'get my ass up off the ground' ... once again. No more ... I have promised myself ... no more. It was as bad as Tommy dying ... only this precious person is living. Nevertheless ... I saw yesterday ... he is gone. Forever ... gone.
I have also, thanked God ... for letting my life as a child up ... be hard, painful, full of grief. There's no way I could bear all the pain, grief in my life if ... I hadn't been conditioned to it. Now ... with that in mind ... it doesn't mean I don't still hurt ... because I can't even tell you how bad it hurts.
You won't have to tell me things I know ... I know as a grandparent, I have rights to see my grandchildren. I'm not going to exercise it ... I believe if people feel a certain way ... respect it. Go on about your life ... respect their feelings. Never ... ever ... force yourself on another person. I could never-ever ... do that.
I know this much ... people are going ... to respect my feelings. We all have a choice in ... how we are treated. I'm going ... to be treated with respect ... I'm going to 'respect you'. I believe in that with all my Heart.
Just before Tommy died ... I was by Tommy's side as he fought in court to get joint custody of his daughter, how it almost destroyed him. He got joint custody ... I will tell you what I learned watching this as it progressed.
I learned no matter the love, doing everything that child wanted to do ... she never showed him love at all. It almost destroyed Tommy ... just before he died. He loved her, would have died for her. He would have done the same for my granddaughter's mother. He loved her. She knew it ...
No matter what, the mother fought tooth and nail ... to destroy any bond between ... father and daughter. She succeeded. They didn't want any of the father, father's family to ever be a part of her life.
Why? I think I can understand ... they were all the family on her mother's side, the child needed. I grew up in a 'crazy' way ... I know how crazy ... people can be ... think. I have learned that if you are a 'father' ... things can turn out bad, if there's a divorce.
A woman is going to always win ... 'one way or other'. Tommy didn't win anything but, joint custody. It didn't do him any good, because the mother, step-father was turning his own child against him the whole while. They .... won.
The step-father wanted to adopt her, put his last name on hers ... they wanted to pretend Tommy 'had never been' ... We know that isn't possible, no matter what. The step-father did it all with a sweet smile, thinking no one knew. As long as people have mouths ... they are going to talk. Talk ... they will.
She went on to discourage any contact with Tommy's family. I ... respect that. 'Why' would I cause grief for a precious grandchild? I wouldn't ... period. She knew that ... she knew I'd always be nice, go my way ... never cause a problem ... because I'm not 'like that'. I'm not, that's true.
You can be ugly all you want to be ... I don't want to. Just remember ... I can ... be just as ugly, uglier ... but, only if I'm pushed into a corner. You can't underestimate a nice person ... think you can walk all over them ... and they never break. They ... always ... have ... an ... eye ... on ... you.
There's so much here that I won't write about ... one doesn't write 'everything' about their life ... there are boundaries. I'm no exception ... I have boundaries, I ... won't let anyone cross.
I write about real life ... real pain ... real grief. Life happens ... my poor little brother who is gone, now ... used to say (I never could say this one, ha!) ... 'shit happens'. He said it right ... it does.
I will say this about my beautiful granddaughter ... last year, I contacted the mother once again about seeing her. Something she said, stuck in my mind ... all this time. I 'connect dots' in life ... eventually ... I put two and two together.
She was very adamant about my granddaughter 'was going to grow up to be somebody' ... she repeated it over, and over. Doesn't every grandparent want their grandchild to have the best in life? 'Why' would she think I wouldn't want her to grow up ... 'be somebody'. I, now ... know 'why' she said that.
It comes from a greedy person who is trying to keep distance between this grandmother, and her granddaughter ... to hide 'what she did'. That's okay ... when you do wrong ... things have a way of coming back ... when it bites you in the ass ... it can, will ... be hard to pick up the pieces.
Hopefully ... I am there in the background ... witnessing the pain she has caused me throughout the time I grieved for my son's death. She has ... two sons ... There's one difference ... I care; I have compassion ... I don't want to see her experience grief, pain.
She never felt for the 'extra pain, grief' ... she added on this mother as she 'died inside' ... from the loss of her only child. I don't doubt ... she laughed about it. I would be afraid to be in her shoes ... when karma catches up to her.
You just wouldn't believe ... 'why' don't I write about it ... pure respect for another person's business; it's her life, and ... as long as she doesn't touch my life with hers, hey ... we are going to be okay.
'She' is reading this, now. I'm being kind to her ... when I know nine out of ten people ... would create pure hell for her ... knowing all she has done. I forgive ... to live with myself. The first part of my life was living with a raging fire in my Heart ... pure hate toward people that affected my life in a negative way. I've forgiven ... now, I am at peace ... 'inside'. Oh my, the difference it makes ...
Yesterday ... I almost regressed to hating ... to wanting to 'show someone a thing or two' ... because I could. I'm not going to go down that road ... it takes away from the road I've chosen in life to travel ... now.
I will be honest, here ... for several hours ... I hated with my very soul ... I found that raging fire that I thought ... went out. It didn't go out ... it's been sitting back there all these years. My mind began working ... preparing to 'pay the bitch back for hurting me' since before, after my child died. I knew some 'sure things' that would 'fix her' ... she doesn't even know I know these things.
Oh, I allowed my hate to really burn ... talk about a raging fire ... it would be hard for someone to have matched it ... I began thinking how to 'set things into motion' ...
Now ... to know me ... very few people do in this life ... is to know, that 'while I'm hating ... I also, love'. Isn't that an awful way to be ...
Hellfire ... how 'can you kick a person's ass' ... when they hurt you to your very soul ... if you love them? In all fairness ... this is the 'first' time ... I almost ... almost let go of being a good person. I almost ... quit loving her.
Oh God ... my thoughts were ... 'I hate you with my very soul, my very Heart' ... the truth is the truth. Yes, I know how ugly that sounds ... but, I damn-well thought it. My thoughts were uglier ... than what I told you. That's right ...
By last night ... I was so sorry I felt this way toward her. When the pain went away in my stomach ... I no longer felt hate, anger. When Skip asked me for the fourth, fifth time if I was going to be alright ... I could honestly answer him ... yes.
What this person did ... there's no way it ... can't ... catch up to her ... no matter how fast she runs. Oh ... and I don't have 'to die' ... it isn't going to matter. It's going to get her ... bite her in the ass ... it's just a matter of time. I know this for a fact ... I know this for a 'pure' fact.
If I were her ... I would go to each of the four people, tell the truth ... if someone is going to hate you ... let it be ... at least, you tried. I'll say this much ... I won't hate you ... though, I should be the very one to. You've been a very bad ... girl.
Greed ... money ... partying ... good fun, while letting a no-good man mistreat your child, talk down to him ... nothing to show 'now' for that good time. You didn't finish college ... grief helped you to party, have fun ... not go back to school, finish what you began.
You couldn't go to school because you couldn't 'focus'. You could focus on having a good time ... while everything else in your life became unimportant. Some things should never ... become unimportant ... but, you'll know that in your life ... sooner, than you think.
I've always loved you, even when ... you told lies to cover yourself ... in the process, helped to turn my granddaughter, her mother against me. I loved them ... you should have never done this.
At least that one time, you told me you weren't going to 'let your ass rule your head' ... anymore. Did you know ... you went up a notch in my ... respect book ... when you said that? You always were crude, I didn't like that about you ... it was embarassing at times. I accepted that about you ... it was 'you'. To love someone ... is to know them ....
Your lies are going to come out ... before you know it. I'm afraid some will hate you ... and that 'bridge' will be burned for you. I pray that it doesn't affect a ... sister, and her brother. If so, that would be most terrible ... and ... your fault.
I promise you, if I'd let that raging fire consume me ... I would come out the winner. Why would I want do that? I wouldn't ... it no longer matters. 'I don't have to show anyone ... anything' ... life will take care of that ... their lives will take a toll. I don't have to do a thing.
When I was a little girl ... I always fought the boys to be 'king/queen' ... of the mountain. They 'whipped my ass' ... but, I didn't stop ... until I was. It meant a lot to me, then. Now ... I don't feel the need to be ... I am.
I am the 'queen' in my life ... I don't have to prove a thing. I'm not God ... I won't be the one doting out your punishment for your sins ... just as you aren't in my life. You will have to cope with what you've done in life ... just as I cope with what I've done in life ... be it good, bad.
I'm not spiteful ... though ... as a young girl, I was very good at being ... spiteful. I learned from the best ... I grew up with all the bad things ... being 'second-nature' to me. No matter, I didn't want to be that way ... I still 'knew' how to be ...
It doesn't matter if I live to see it, or not ... think about it ... all these years when we did wrong ... haven't we had to 'pay for it ... one way or other'? If you are a good person 'now' ... didn't it come from 'learning your lesson'? I rest my case. How can you be good ... if you've never been ... at least ... a little bad? Experience is what it's all about ... no matter what, your actions become most important once ... you learn a lesson.
The reason I know this person will suffer greatly until she makes amends to the four people she has lied to ... to keep them apart to hide what she did (it always stems to ... money) ... is that, basically ... she is a good person, and has a conscience ... her heart hurts when she hurts people.
The sad thing ... is she feels she has gone such a distance down the road she is on ... it's too hard to come back ... 'bridges could be burned, forever' ... she might not have the strength to find a way back. People don't tend to look for other ways to 'cross over' ... they see the bridge gone ... that's ... the end. It isn't ... when you mean business. Hellfire, make a ...... raft! Hitch a ride on a boat coming by! Do anything ... come back.
My own life is most important to me ... I've found happiness in the past weeks ... and ... 'I be damned if I'm going to allow someone to take it away from me, now'. I never knew for the rest of my life ... I would ever be able to take pleasure in any of my life ... before I died. I honestly didn't know I could find the peace, happiness in my Heart ... that somehow ... has been given to me these past weeks.
This grieving mother ... didn't know she'd be living ... today. She is living today ... will be here for as long as she's allowed to be. So, 'this person who wishes I was dead' ... 'put that in your pipe, smoke it' ... I 'ain't going nowhere' ... you ... don't steer my ship. I made it this far ... I'm holding my ground.
I'm holding my ground in the nicest, quietest, strongest way ... possible. It won't interfere with your ship ... we can share the same waters ... just keep your boat out of my way; I'll do the same. If you come in peace ... I'm always here for you ... you can come on my ship to visit ... anytime.
I ... don't have to be mean, ugly ... to do it. I've weathered ... worse storms ... than 'you'. They only strengthened me for storms ... like you. I've learned where to put 'extra' in my ship to keep it prepared for storms ... this is one strong ship. Of course, ever so often ... I find a ... damn leak! Last night, I patched up a big-ass hole in my ship! It's patched, now ... everything's going to be alright.
Yesterday, Skip and I were in Sheetz. We saw my precious grandson, his mother standing ... talking to several EMT's. I watched my grandson talk, ask questions.
I thought to myself ... he's going to be somebody, one day. He is very interested in everything ... not only that, he'll grow up with confidence ... to go after what he wants in life.
He has ... a good mother ... who doesn't hold him back. Both of my grandchildren ... have very good mothers. I wish I could have known such as a child.
I watched him with pride ... I watched a child who looked so much like the child I had, many years ago. I thought, 'that's my ... grandson'!
They turned to walk away ... something made me follow. I spoke, and said 'You aren't going to walk away without speaking to me, are you'? My grandson was already standing at the door, getting ready to go out ... his mother smiled, spoke to me. She looked over to my grandson, asked him if he knew who this woman was ...
My precious grandson, the one child I was very close to ... who always ran when he would see me, calling 'Granny Gee'! looked at me ... slightly nodded his head, 'yes' ... looked down to the floor.
The worse pain (like when Tommy died, almost) ... hit me in the stomach ... it came out of nowhere ... I felt as if I would faint ... all of this happened ... no one could 'see' it. I thought I was ... going to 'die' ... from the pain.
No one saw anything but ... a pathetic, older lady standing there ... softly smiling a 'stupid-ass' ... smile. No one noticed a 'Granny Gee' standing there ... teethering on the edge of a precipice ... ready to fall, to drown in the sea of grief ... once more.
(I have to smile, here .... the word ... 'precipice' ... reminds me of Tommy ... he and I always matched vocabulary, too. We loved to catch the other mispronounce/misspell a word!)
His mother asked him something to the effect, 'aren't you going to hug your Granny Gee'? I shook my head 'no' ... I told her not to do that ... I spoke to her in a soft voice ... 'no,please don't make him come to hug me'.
I don't want anyone to ever ... hug me, unless they do it on their own. Don't hug me ... stay the f ..... away from me, if you can't do it on your own. That's right. If you don't feel it ... don't do it, period. I've always been like that ... getting older doesn't change a thing.
She said it once again ... my precious grandson dutifully ... walked over to 'barely hug' me ... never feeling the love he once held for his 'Granny Gee'.
At this time, I'm going all to pieces, 'inside'. All I wanted to do was to get away, crawl under a house ... lick my wounds. I got my ass kicked ... my legs knocked out from under me ... and the crazy thing is ... no one could see 'all of this terrible pain, grief, turmoil' ... standing in front of them.
Oh my ... the realization of 'who' ... kicked my ass down to the ground ... later, hit me. My own son's son ... my own precious grandson. I'm sure he never meant to hurt me, as I would never hurt him.
He just shouldn't have been 'pushed' to come hug some old bitch ... standing there, looking pathetic as hell ... knowing he always ... loved her ... would never hurt ... her. Why ... that old bitch ... was his precious Granny Gee; his father's mother ... the father he loved with his very Heart.
I hugged him gently, quietly told him what a nice, handsome boy he was growing into. I told him, 'I love you' ... after that ... all became a fog as I was trying to leave as soon as I possibly could. I didn't want them to 'see' the pain I was in ... I was thrown back into the sea of grief, pain ... I'd spent four years trying to get out of.
Now, I was ... drowning ... again. I didn't see that coming ... life is short, you can die ... before you know it! Did anyone see me 'dying', there? If so, everyone was moving around in a calm way ... even I was. The storm ... was 'inside' ... a vicious storm; one helluva storm was tearing me up ... once again.
I begin trying to find my life saver ... Skip! Please help me! All I wanted was to find Skip ... I knew everything would be alright.
The only person who saw, heard ... was Skip. I didn't even see him ... I was trying to find him. He was so worried I would go back to being like I was ... back into the grief, and state of mind I'd been in since Tommy died.
All in my mind, was ... my precious grandson, for the first time ever, didn't run calling 'Granny Gee, Granny Gee'! run up to me, to hug me. I didn't see the special light in his eyes I had always saw in the past ... I thought I was going to faint. I even thought about ... just dying ... for a moment.
This one child I'd always been closest to, loved most in this world ... wasn't happy to see me for the first time. Instantly the thought went through my mind ... 'children reflect their parents' thoughts ... it's like peering into a mirror' ...
I was the one who'd get on the floor to play with him ... sit on the couch talking to him as we both 'kicked our feet' in pure happiness ... I would become a ... child ... get down to his level, to play with my grandson.
Why, we used to play in the sand, together ... mold play dough ... together. We would joke, say funny things like Tommy and I did ... look into each other's eyes, become tickled because that made it more funnier.
My grandson ... my only grandson ... no grandson ... he's 'gone', now. That was The End ... I have no family left, for-real, now. All gone, never to be again. I would never-ever allow it to be, 'now' ... I'm not setting myself up for pain, again. Go your way, I'll go mine.
This is real life ... real life hurts like hell. You don't have to die ... to go to Hell. Ask me ... I know. Hell burns in me ... it was there when I was born.
Hellfire, my folks used to guard one of the portals to Hell ... I used to live 'right there'. I could have been a demon ... how did I not be? How in the ... Hell ... did I have a Heart full of love ... coming from Hell?
Was it all a waste of time ... grandmother-grandson time? My 'Granny Gee' time ... didn't last long. It ended ... yesterday. I'm thankful for what I did have during the seven years he has been on this earth. I hope I never have to hurt his Heart one day ... because I'm not going to be there if he comes looking for me.
I used to wish for that ... I don't want that, anymore. I want to go to my grave, now ... with the least pain I'll ever feel again. I could ... die ... from much of this kind of pain ... losing a son, granddaughter ... and my grandson. I don't want ... more. I am going to have to think about ... finding a ... bubble to live in.
All evening, I was in shock ... oh my ... in pain, grieving ... once again. Poor Skip ... he was so worried that I wouldn't feel happy, would go back into the state of mind I lived in for the past four years. We both, were right 'here at the holidays' ... things beginning to look up for us, once again. 'Now ... this happened' ... Skip didn't think I'd ... get past ... this time.
At the same time I was trying to 'save myself', 'inside' ... I was feeling Skip's feelings. We are so close ... I could hear concern in his voice each time he'd ask me, "Are you going to be alright, Baby Girl"? I would smile quietly at him ... trying to appear to be alright.
After several hours went by ... the pain in my stomach went away. Oh, thank-God ... that terrible pain went away in my stomach.
That goes to show you that you don't have to be sick, or be physically hit to feel such pain 'inside'. Mental pain is ... potent ... it can, will knock one to the ground in an instant ... you don't have to see it coming.
The last time Skip asked me if I was going to be okay, I heard such relief in his voice. I told him honestly, the last time he asked me ... 'Oh yes, 'now' I'm alright ... I didn't come this far to finally see what happiness felt like again ... to let it be taken away from me'.
Once the pain left my stomach ... I was alright. I could think straight ... I could put things in perspective. I could see how both of them, myself could be 'like we were' ... I could understand. I cared.
No matter what ... everything is going to be alright. I've survived many 'bad' things ... cancer, death of my only child, our home burnt down .... losing family member by family member, one by one; the very people I truly loved. I've experienced 'bad' things I'll never write about ... things, I decide to write about.
The one consistent thing is ... that ... no matter how bad ... somehow, everything will ... be alright. No matter what ... no matter what ... no matter what.
Even ... with the end of being ... Granny Gee. I will still stay 'Granny Gee' ... Tommy wanted that to be the special name for his son to call his mother. I'm Granny Gee in name only ... though it's the end of being a real ... Granny Gee.
Photo, story are owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
This happened yesterday ... almost sending me back into the long, dark journey I just came from. (December 07, 2014)...
Skip is my life-saver ... he was there, to 'save me' from drowning once again ... in the sea of grief, pain.
'Granny Gee' ... died yesterday ... only the words live on ... they were Tommy's words, the name he wanted his son to call his own mother.
The End of Granny Gee ... I am Granny Gee ... in words, only.