Friday, May 29, 2015

I Promise I Would Come Looking For You In Heaven ...

I Promise I Would Come Looking For You in Heaven, Son
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I Promise I Would Come Looking For You in Heaven, Son
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Today makes 5 years you have been gone
I sit here thinking of you, Son
Tears run down my cheeks
Drench my Heart ... rains on my Soul

I miss you, Son ... it hurts so bad
I've never felt such pain
It never goes away no matter how much I pretend
I've lost my only child, yet ... I appear all right
I have to play the game of life
Go on so ... all can live around me

Without worrying I'm going to break
Go to pieces at any moment ... everything's all right

I pretend enough that even I believe
Everything's going to be all right
Underneath the surface is another story
It's one no one else can see ... I know it's there 

Sweet Chadwick ... the last Pup link to Tommy.  Tommy loved Chadwick and his funny personality.  Chadwick born 5-13-2007  ... died 1-16-2015

Tommy and Taban ...

 Tommy trying to make Taban laugh after he'd been crying ...

Skip and Kissy Fairchild ... Tommy didn't get to know Kissy.  Our other Rottie, Fairchild who was 12 years old ... died several months after Tommy.  We got Kissy soon after  ... Kissy's birthday is November 02, 2010.  Tommy's birthday is November 20 (1969).  

Precious Camie ... Tommy didn't get to know Camie, either.

Sweet Chadwick ... how Tommy loved to play, pick on Chadwick!

Tommy getting to see his daughter, McKenzie ... after a long time.  

Tommy ... I miss you, Son.  His wife gave me the card, and Tommy's photo/ornament after Tommy died (at Christmas 2010).  I treasure it.  I'll always love her. (and McKenzie's mother).

Tommy's hat ... it fell to the sand when he collapsed with 3 blockages to his heart ... at Myrtle Beach, S.C.  May 29, 2010.

On the refrigerator ... remembering my Son, always.

Tommy's hat ... flowers ... and ...

 Tommy's lock of hair/ Tommy's Chest

Tommy's wife gave this to me at Xmas after Tommy died.  I put it on the Bottle of Light that a good friend, Cindy Blackmon, made for us.

 My Son, and I ...

Skip, myself (Gloria), and Tommy ... 

Skip and I ...

My precious Son, Tommy ... my only child.

My Precious Husband, Skip ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Remembering my only child, Tommy ...

I Cry For Tommy Logo ... made for me by Donna Orbon Jamila

And ...  it hurts so bad.

I make Dragonflies in memory of Tommy. 

Tommy holding his newborn son, Taban.

My son, Tommy ...

A book of pure grief I wrote ... I can't remember writing it.  Pain ... pure pain.

Grief ... a grieving mother's pain
Love for her child even though he's not there
Today is the anniversary of my Son's death
I love you Tommy, today ... I'm remembering you

I remember you always, today isn't any different
But ... we humans always honor a day
When significant things happen to us
Today's date is a reminder my son went away

Away forever, breaking my very Heart
I didn't think I could recover
Recover I did ... got up, dusted my pants off
It was the worst fall in my entire life

Thought I'd die when I lost the only child
I ever had ... treasured with my Heart
Skip, our Pups ... made me come back
I promise if it hadn't been for them ...

I would have come to Heaven looking for you
My son, a part of me whom I loved like life
Yes, I promise I would have come to Heaven
Looking for you, Son

But now ... I'm not alone
I have my whole world here
Skip, The Pups ... I can't leave them alone
I love you, Son ... today I'm crying for you

Because it's all right ... today everyone understands
Why I would cry tears of pain
It's the anniversary of your death
It's all right to cry ... on anniversaries ... it's all right to cry today

I'm remembering you, Precious Son
Sometimes, my tears are pure frustration
For the short time, I had you in my Life
Sometimes, the pain is just ... too bad

Thank God for Skip, our Pups
Thank God for my very World
I can't leave them ... if I didn't have them
I promise I would come looking for you in Heaven, Son


Note by this Author:
*** Tommy died May 29, 2010 ... Today, May 29, 2015 makes 5 years now. Five years of pure pain ... pain that means pure love for the only child I ever had. I am a mother of one child who is no longer here ... I am a grieving mother now.

*** I weep tears at this moment while all alone. I can't make anyone else sad, they can't see me cry ... cry my tears of pure pain, so many they almost drown my Soul ... they fall straight from my Heart. I can't believe the tears I have left to cry ... so many, who would have believed after all the tears I've cried in 5 whole years?

***Don't feel sorry for me. I'm writing the pain from my fingertips onto the keyboard ... it's my way of expressing my grief. That way I don't have to let others see me cry ... all they will see is a happy smile that's real because I'm really glad to see them.

When you read this, it can help you understand another mother's pain if she's lost a child. You can read here, go quietly along your way never having to say a word. Don't worry about me, I have become strong ... strong as the biggest redwood tree.

I have weathered many storms in my life ... they've knocked me down, I keep getting up ... I have found out something even I didn't know ... I 'wasn't supposed to be here, today' ... why?

Because ... 16 years ago I should have died ... the oncologist said that 98% of people who had what I did ... aren't alive today? I wonder why ... I wonder why I am alive today? Do you ever wonder why?

Never feel sorry for me ... I never have felt sorry for me. I learned as a child to face life head-on no matter how painful. I'll do it until the day I die ... I am strong as a redwood tree ... I'll weather any storm until one day ... I'll bow my head, let the winds blow me away to my final resting place.

I remember you today, Son. I'm so grateful to have Skip, whom you loved with your very Heart. I'm so grateful to have our Pups ... you never knew ... these Pups.

Sweet Chadwick died on January 16, 2015 ... he was the last of our Pups that you knew, loved, laughed at because of his funny ways. I'm so glad I have Skip and our Pups, Son. I'd be looking for you in Heaven if I didn't. Love, Mama


  1. He is with you and all around and making sure always that his mom is alright. I know he wouldn't want you to be sad because one day you'll be together again.

  2. I understand why you cry for Tommy. I cry for my nephew at certain times and then sometimes, I cry and it's not the anniversary, or his birthday or Christmas. I just cry! It is alright to cry and it's alright to cry any time you want to. It doesn't have to be a special occasion-----just cry if that is what you feel like doing! Don't worry about what other people will say or think. Love, Ms. Nancy