Dear Gloria,

 

 

PHOTOS owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... ME

Dear Gloria,

I was thinking about you this morning.  Yes, you. I know I don't let you know that I do ... all the time.

I was thinking truly ... though you really are the most imperfect person I know ... you are perfect enough to be the person you are ... GLORIA.

You don't do anything to stand out ... you don't even wear makeup ... your jewelry, fancy clothes anymore. So, if you don't stand out to people ... how can anyone know who YOU are?

You've become just a nobody special. I have thought about this ... thought about the 'whys' you've changed through time.

Gloria, I see Life's Lessons ... Life's Storms, Battles ... have changed, shaped you, your way of thinking.

You've gone from being a very interesting person to know, who at one time commanded attention when walking into a room ... to someone who doesn't care whether you command attention or not. 

The one thing I like about you ... you do expect to be treated with respect just as you respect others ... even if they don't deserve it.

Oh, those were the wonderful,  breathless times you thrived on, loved. Men would love you, notice you, be attracted to you. Every head would turn to the beautiful young woman who was faking being ... perfect. They thought you were perfect never knowing you knew you weren't.

As time went by ... Life's battles, storms fought ... you slowly changed to a very dull, uninteresting person. You became caring, focused on others before you. You really saw people, cared with your Heart. 

The need to be beautiful... the need to impress, to be perfect somehow magically disappeared! How did that happen to a beautiful young lady who walked by every mirror smiling at herself ... so happy because ... she finally got her wish as a child ... to be as beautiful as her mother. Everyone said so, you knew it to be true.

Photos of ME ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates... when I was once ... beautiful ❤ 

Gloria, today ... you are YOU ... no faking to be perfect. Why?

I've watched you sincerely compliment other females on how pretty they are, what a pretty outfit, lovely hairdo. Do you know that's one of the hardest things for a woman to do? They don't like to compliment other women, especially if they seem to be a threat to the man in their life. The truth is the truth.

Through time I admired how you walked forward toward whatever threatened you ... meet it head on, hold your ground ... and if you were knocked down you got back up dusting your pants off. You did this even knowing you could be beaten up, you could lose a battle.

I have watched as your Grandma Alma's legacy to you ... her beautiful, wild fighting spirit emerge ...  in all its quiet, white-hot fury ... come out in you. 

You became a force to be reckoned with ... without anyone seeing it coming. You only began to smile, stay very quiet ... be YOU. 

What I admired is how you learned to choose your battles not wasting time fighting over nothing ... only for what you believe in.

You try to always handle things in a good way ... if that didn't work ... you tried to do it in the next best way ... if that didn't work ... all Hell broke loose. Life is that way sometimes but, you love quiet, peaceful, boring now.

I have watched you become emotional over people, animals being abused, killed, mistreated ... your Heart doesn't only cry for your own ... it's big enough to care, cry for others be it human, animal. You care for the world.

I've watched you silently say prayers for every animal you see lying on the road in death from a vehicle killing them. You cried silently as you prayed ... 'I pray you never felt any pain, death came quick. I'm so, so sorry.'

Today ... you are so far removed from the wild, free beautiful life that glittered, shined in all its glory you used to live. You shined in all your glory. Where did all of that so full of life, exciting Gloria go?

No one would believe now ... you are completely opposite now. Your life doesn't shine now unless you see sunshine glistening on your teardrops. Wow ... you don't stand out at all!

Your priorities have completely changed.. Now, you care for your husband ... your dog putting their needs before your own. They both need you ... you are always there for them. You have made them your very world.

Gloria,  you sure aren't perfect at all. You didn't turn out to be a bad person ... you chose good over bad when ... you could have went the opposite way. I'm proud of the most boring, dull person you have become. You are beautiful in a good, boring way.

I like you ... I love you ... you are the best person I know. No matter if you are only you ... you are a good you.

From yourself, Gloria

It Will Take Some Getting Used To ...

Today has been a getting-use to day for Skip. 

I have been saving for some time to get Skip a recliner, a big, soft one. 

Also, I have saved to get a small L-shape sectional couch. Not new ones, but, like new.

I have been seeing very nice chairs, couches at a low price on Marketplace. Wow ... you can find things like new there. I really am amazed.

I found Skip a recliner like new. We picked it up yesterday, brought it home. Our friend got someone to bring it inside for us.

I managed to get the chair Skip sat in ... outside, up onto the pickup. It was more awkward than heavy. I will take it to the landfill.

I have been taking my time today ... looking at the L-shaped couches people have to sell on Marketplace ... like new, very reasonable. 

Truthfully, it will be nice to have a couch again. I had kept only the loveseat but, over time I wished I'd kept the couch trying to down-size. Now, I want comfort.

Skip has had a time getting used to getting up out of his 'new' chair. Of course, it sits differently making it a little harder for him to get up.

He loves his chair, the soft comfort it offers his body. Skip hurts so much throughout his body, especially his knees. I am so happy I got the chair for him.

The gentleman I bought the chair from didn't want to take my money. I told him I couldn't not pay him. He reached out, took a twenty, told me he would take that ... for me to keep the remaining fifty-five dollars. 

I paid seventy-five dollars for a nice, beautiful chair for Skip.

It touched my Heart so much but, I couldn't walk away with that beautiful chair without paying him. I gave him the remaining money ... thanked him very much. He was so nice.

When we first got there he just felt comfortable talking with us. He'd been through a battle with cancer, surgery. I told him about Skip ... I told him that he and Skip had been through so much. 

He was like Skip and I ... he was a very caring person. He did what we've done in the past ... try to give rather than take money. 

Only, I couldn't take advantage.  I'd saved that money to pay ... and he might have needed it but, his Heart cared so much. I would have worried if I'd not paid him.

I've given many times when I needed ... my Heart would care so much. Caring was more important than the money though I needed it.

So ... now, I am looking for a nice, small L-shaped couch. I will be glad to finally have it ... my body has a lot of pain too. 😊🙃🙂🩷🩷 It will appreciate comfort. 

I always sit in my desk chair ... now, I'm ready to sit on a comfortable couch once I find it, get it home. 

I will probably have to get used to sitting comfortably, too. It will take some time getting used to a new place to sit 🩷🙂🙃😊🩷

Also, Miss Camie will snuggle up to me. I look forward to that!

Photo of 'new' chair for Skip. He really loves it.

My Fighting Spirit Is Coming Out To Play ... Free As Birds ... Our Wings Are Clipped

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... Skip and I ...

Monday ...  April 15, 2024 ... 7:53 am

I am sitting on the bed ... in a pool of sunshine. I was engrossed in reading something on my tablet that I wasn't paying attention to the sunshine ... It kept shining brighter until I realized ... hey, this is what I wait for each morning! I can't believe I was ignoring it.

Skip and Camie are sleeping up a storm. I heard Skip say he had a headache. He is still asleep ... I will be paying close attention. 

Same old, same old boring 😴... I know. In your life you are doing many happy things, life is full of excitement ... new places, new things, people. 

Our Life used to be full of all those things ... no more. Not since 2016 when all began to slow down until this very moment.

I smile as I say that because no one could love Life more than I ... do, go more than I only to come to almost a complete halt. I loved the excitement getting up each day traveling, seeing, doing ... each day I never knew what to expect. Very exciting! I embraced the unknown  ... now, I don't. 

Now ... each morning I wake up to my little world that has completely shrunk through time ... sleeping beside ME. My little sleeping world that consists of the most precious beings in my life, my Heart. Skip and Camie ❤❤❤ 

Now ... I can see my whole 🌎 world in one place ... right in front of ME.

Such a quiet, boring little 🌎 world where boredom is welcomed 24 hours a day. Who would have thought someone such as ME would ever say ... I pure love boredom nowadays. 🙃 Boring is ... wonderful! Good!

Sure, in my mind I wish we were flying free as birds again, traveling, going places ... and I really hope we can again. Nothing is impossible. Our wings have been clipped limiting us to only ... going so far.

Our Life has changed over from such happy excitement ☺ to complete ... happy 😴 boredom. As happy as can possibly be under the circumstances. Truthfully  ... not happy all the time. I would be lying like a dog if I said differently. 

We had everything ... we have nothing. We are have-beens to have-nothings. We were someone ... to no ones. We were beautiful to ... oh my ... how did we get this old? 🙂🙃🙂 

I am not going into getting older ... as I'm not accepting 'being old and acting that way'. That IS NOT ME. I am older, that's all 🙃🙂🙃💛💛 I will age on my terms 🙃 An older Gloria doesn't mean ... OLD. 😁

Am I sad ... ☹️ depressed? Sad, maybe for some of the things that used to be ... I got past my depression some time ago. 

Sad ... to watch a very strong person be reduced down to being very ill, weak, no longer able to fly free as he once did. Now ... each day instead of looking forward to all he used to ... his mind is on his age ... on dying. He thinks he doesn't have long to live. This is what saddens ME.

Sad ... our Camie is older ... lately I've realized it more than ever. I help both Camie and Skip now. I am their caregiver now.

Sometimes, I am overwhelmed 😔  The word caregiver ... is so easy to say. Being ... a caregiver is so hard, so much responsibility ... stressful. In my life, my mind ... I am both Camie, Skip's living guardian angel as well as caregiver. 

I am with them 24 hours a day ... I am constantly monitoring them, knowing how each one is feeling, doing. I am constantly in movement helping them, doing for them ... since it's warmer ... I am trying to make our little yard pretty, cheerful for them, us.

No, I don't stay overwhelmed, sad, down for long at a time ... no longer than it takes for me to process in my mind what's pulling ME down, and why, and what can I do about it. 

It's not my nature to walk slowly, moaning ... groaning 'woe is me', whining ... crying ... feeling sorry for myself. I'm just not going to waste my valuable time doing it. I am just NOT going to do it.

Sure, I cry my tears of pain, hurt, sadness ... but, I'm not weak though I may appear to be. At the same time I'm crying those tears ... I am mentally picking myself back up again to plant both feet back onto the ground. My fighting spirit is coming out to play.

Sometimes, but only sometimes, I get so tired, close to letting go, give up. I'm not perfect, you know. Try as I might ... this girl isn't ever going to be perfect. I know this for a fact. Remember my 3 years of trying to be years ago? I told you about it. I'll tell you again but, just not right now.

The good thing is I am ME ... once I've cried, raised some Hell ... the next thing I know is... I'm back in the race! I'm ready to do it all over again. That's my nature. 

I am more like my Grandma Alma who was paralyzed ... yet, she was the strongest woman I ever knew. As a little girl living with her and George ... life was pure Hell ... but, that's where I learned some of my most valuable Life's lessons ... from a paralyzed woman and a blind man. They were the strongest two people I've ever known.

Look back in your life ... you will see 'why?' things have happened throughout your life ... I can see the 'whys' now. It prepared ME all the way up to this very second ... made ME strong enough to survive all I've gone through, battles fought ... I am still here! 🙂🙃🙂💛💛

We All Need To Have A Little Hell In Us ...

LOVE

Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... Happy Day to You!! 💛💛💛

Yes, the sun is out this morning... I know because it is shining on ME! 🙃 This is my favorite time of the morning... though sometimes, I am tempted to just roll over, go back to sleep. I am always glad I didn't. 

I will sit here quietly writing, thinking while Skip and Camie sleep. I know they are okay because I am beside them.

I just turned my face to the sunshine, closed my eyes to enjoy it shining on my eyelids (🙂🙃🙂) ... I love doing that. I wish I could rest my head on my pillows and while my eyes are closed the sun would shine on them. There's a soft, not quite red color ... golden red ... I see behind my eyelids when the sun shines on my face. It's sort of magical!

Enough about sunshine ... 🌞 ☀️ I love it, it begins my morning making me smile, so ... I will always mention it ... and keep trying to put into words, describe how it affects ME. Does it matter? Probably not to anyone but, ME. That's okay ... we all hold things that are important to us but, not important to anyone else in this big, old world.

When I write  ... I write what's on my mind, what I think about ... real things a real person feels, thinks. When you read ME ... this is the way I am. Sometimes ... well probably most of the time I am boring. I say thank God for boredom in my life ... why?

Boredom means Skip, Camie and I are doing just fine, we are on an even keel. We have been through so many life-threatening medical situations to make us appreciate a ... boring life. It's wonderful. If I want excitement I will write it. 🙂 I want all to stay quiet, calm, not frightening. 

I saw something on the news that has given me thought, concern last night. A drone was shot down last night by our country. I won't get into any of that as I don't sit, discuss, argue the latest news. I will say it alarmed me ... I feel concern.

I remember growing up thinking even if some people are just plain mean ... they really aren't evil because ... how can people be truly evil? That's the very worst way to be, how can people live with themselves after committing atrocious acts upon another human being? 

Through all the years I have been on this earth I have learned that yes, there are way more evil people than even I can imagine ... who thrive on hurting, killing, maiming others ... they can smile, eat, enjoy life after doing the most hideous things. Wow ... wow ...wow.

I used to think only on movies do you see such evilness. Through times I have watched the many colors of ... people. They truly aren't all the way they appear. Once they step out of view, earshot of people they are fooling ... their real colors show. 

They drop the facade of pretending to be kind, good. That's a 'helluva' thing to witness when people you truly thought were so good ... all of a sudden for whatever reason decide to ... show you ... their real colors. 

That's an awful thing to witness ... what's worse is if someone walks up ... boom! The real colors disappear and the person you thought you knew ... is back and you are left wondering if you were imagining things. How in the world could you think that person was bad? 

As for myself I am always listening, seeing when I'm around people. I am constantly sensing if they are for real. I feel a great sadness when I realize that not everyone is like ME. I genuinely care, love people. I don't try to fool people, nor do I waste my time, energy trying to impress, make people think I like, love them when I don't. 

I do smile, show respect, get away from them as quickly as possible. I don't have time for insincerity,  false people ... my life to ME has value. I don't invite things into it to cause ME grief. 

There is a part of each person's life they have to hold sacred, letting nothing in but, the good in life. If you allow anything ... anyone into that space in your life ... you will live in only chaos, Hell. 

Learn to love yourself, like to be with yourself so, you can be alone ... then ... be very selective who gets near your precious, special space in your life. Kick their asses out once any false colors begin to show. Don't waste time, set them free to never come back. This is strictly my Gloria Way of thinking ... my Gloria opinion. 

You have your own way of thinking ... and believe it or not ... there are people who thrive on Hell, chaos ... I grew up in it ... watched, studied as a child ... I listened to plotting to hurt other people to destroy, teach their ass who to mess with. I won't keep going ... but, on a big scale in this world ... that's why there are wars ... that's where all the Hell raisers are. Sadly ... they inflict pain, grief ... awful things on the innocent ... on people who want to live opposite of raising Hell.

I will always ask myself this question/questions ... how did I not be exactly like that growing up? How in the world do I have a kind Heart ... how do I even love, care. How can I be a giver coming from selfishness? How can I care for anyone's needs but my own? The questions go on.

I can't really answer them ... too complex ... I would have to sit, think, to write to tell you. I don't have time this morning as I see Skip is awake.

Honestly ... the Hell is still inside ME ... I truly know how to raise Hell with the best only if ... I'm put in a situation to be bad, mean. I was steeped in Hell-raising as a child ... like a tea bag. I can't help but, know.

Honestly, I don't enjoy chaos, hell-raising. I choose calm, quiet in my life. I'm happiest when everyone is happy, okay. I want only good to happen ... I believe in good things no matter how bad the world can be. I try to make all good around ME. 

Yes, I still know how to raise Hell but, only if I am pushed very hard into it to protect, to survive. We all need to have at least that amount of Hell in us. Don't you agree? We take care of our loved ones be it human ... animals ... what we care most about. 

I will say good day, happy colors in your day. Skip, Camie are both awake ... time to focus on my world 🌎 I think it's going to be a beautiful day! 

My Positions In Bed Are Determined By ... What! ... By A What?!

 Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... my Tommy Dragonfly wind chime.

April 13, 2024 💛 Saturday 💛 7:24 am💛

Good morning. I am of course in my usual writing spot, position ... yes, sitting on the bed beside Skip and Camie while they are sleeping. 

The sun is teasing this morning... it hasn't really begun to shine yet ... when it does I might get to sit in a pool of sunlight while I write. We'll see!

I am not sitting cross-legged this morning ... I have one leg partially stretched out, the other off the bed ... with my foot/heel on the bed frame. Camie has given me room to do that 🙂🙃🙂💛💛 

My positions in bed are determined by Miss Camie, I move accordingly to how she sleeps.

I remember when through the years we had 4 large 🐕  🐕  🐕 🐕 dogs ... of course, they slept on the bed! I mean where else would they sleep, right? This is when we learned how humans sleep with their dogs.

I couldn't rest knowing our Pups weren't close by on the bed. I love sleeping in crazy positions, I love the challenge of trying to find room ... fit my body into bed! I don't mind it at all. Guess what? Both Skip and I feel the same way, always have.

I am not going into 'whys'... nor argue about dogs sleeping on the bed. You can't possibly understand unless you've slept with your dogs. 

Keep this in mind ... your dogs are as clean as you are. I keep a sheet or spread over the bottom half of the bed ...  if it rains, feet are wet during the night, it's okay. I keep it changed frequently. Never no smells, never dirty. Yes, sometimes ... there are dog hairs.

I will tell you this ... if you don't see, have a few dog (pet) hairs ... that may mean you are a lonely person. I'm just saying ... we each live our life with ... without pets. I respect you if you don't.  🙃💛💛

I was just thinking ... it really is challenging, fun ... at times to just see ... how in the world you can fit your body into the bed ... when you have a dog (pet)/dogs. Somehow after all these years I still do it ... I don't mind at all.

Miss Camie will be 11 years old on July 4th ... that's the day I rescued her poor little body off the cold, wet ground. She was almost dead, her body didn't have hair ... I had to almost beg to have her ... I had to wait for a couple of hours while the woman called, asked her husband if ... I could have Camie. He was bringing a shotgun home to kill her.

I never thought to drive to pick her up ... I carried her body going to my knees several times, her body so heavy. I remember praying I could just get her to our gate ... then prayed for God to please help me get her up on our porch. My prayers were answered.

For over a year I nursed Camie back ... our friends helping financially by sending money to me, to the her vet. Especially one friend whom we call Camie's Angel in Australia ... oh my, she loved, cared for Camie, made sure Camie had all the medical help she needed. Camie lives because her Angel made sure she got everything she needed.

Camie's Angel is in our Hearts ... always. I wrote a book in my imperfect way ... called Camie's Angel. Those who have followed, read me for years know I am the first to say my writing, my artwork ... my creations aren't perfect. I always say this ... 'who cares'? I write, create to live, survive.

Oh my, my, my! The sunshine just drenched me in golden pool of light! I am smiling to myself ... I love that! For a moment I was sitting in a golden pool of light.  Now, it isn't as intense ... but, the sun is shining. I wonder if the sun was favoring me with a big, golden smile!

Everyone talked about how I saved Camie ... not many people knew this ... Camie saved ME. I was still in such deep grief over the loss of my son, Tommy. When Camie came into my life ... I focused on her ... we saved each other. It didn't happen overnight ... it took so much time ... we made it through.

Well .. the sunshine picked this moment to shine ... smile on me again. I wonder who else sits, hopes the sun will shine on them at least just for a moment? It means the world to ME. Light, 🌞 🌞 ☀️ ⛅ 🌞 sunshine brightens up my Heart, soul ... gives me hope, comfort all is going to be alright. 

Talking about ... comfort ... I am going to turn the coffeemaker on! It will be a while before Skip will wake up. I can make him a fresh pot of coffee 🙂🙃🙂💛💛 

Coffee is pure, liquid comfort ... it's welcomed with open arms at any time ... good or bad. To ME ... it isn't about the caffeine people want ... to ME ... it's like ... the sunshine. Special! 

Coffee gives ME comfort, hope that all is going to be alright. Like I do with the bright sunshine ... when drinking ☕ coffee (with extra cream now) ... I also, close my eyes to savor the warmth, comfort it brings to ME. 

These are just a few things I hold special in my life ... Skip, Camie ... comfort from sunshine, coffee. Money doesn't buy special comfort as I find in the simplest of things. 

I am so glad I have learned what is so important in Life. I used to think it took only material things to be happy in life. 

Of course, I like material things but ... they are only icing on the cake ... when the cake taste wonderful by itself ... meaning I love myself even without material things ... material things don't define ME ... I am Gloria all on my own.

I sound silly probably to some ... that's okay. Life is like that sometimes. Happy day ... happy colors in your day! ❤💙💚💛❤💜💚💜💛❤

Just Sunshine ...

 

Photo ... artwork by/owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... Sunshine makes ME happy.

April 12, 2024 ... Friday ... 7:48 am

I am sitting here on the bed ... the sunshine is shining on me. I really love that. I think it just smiled because it just got brighter.

Skip and Camie are napping. They were up a little earlier, laid back down. Me ... well, I turned Mr. Coffee on ... I think I will have a cup of coffee early instead of waiting until Skip gets up.

Okay ... I went to get a cup of coffee ... I fed Miss Camie, too. She jumped off the bed, followed me to the kitchen. We are back in bed with Skip. I am taking sips of my coffee ... it's so good. Comforting ... coffee is comforting.

I love how the sun is shining through the moving branches. There is a lot wind this morning. The wind has been up since yesterday. I love watching tree branches wave, dance in the wind.

Wow ... the sun is shining on my face ... I closed my eyes to just enjoy the soft glow ... the soft color of red seeing the sunshine through my closed eyes. I love the simplest of things it seems. Probably things no one takes time to notice, think about.

All these little unimportant things to no one else so far this morning have added up to make me feel happy inside. 😊 Gracious, it didn't cost anything for something so special ... well, special to ME.

I looked over at Skip while he sleeps ... the sunshine is casting silhouettes over him ... of one of my favorite silhouettes ... window blinds. Why in the world do I find silhouettes of window blinds so fascinating ... so special?  I honestly can't answer that question. For ME there is something magical ... did I hear you laugh? That's okay ... I laugh at myself sometimes,  too.

Sunshine seems to be on my mind this morning 🌄 I have missed for the past couple of mornings sitting in the sunshine. We had appointments ... and it's also, been cloudy. I am appreciating 🌞 sunshine this morning ... with my Heart.

I hope you have a bright, happy-colored day ... and when the sun shines on you today ... you will feel such joy as I feel.

Happy Birthday, Skip! I 'Did A Thang', Yall! How's That For Improvising!?!

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ...

Well ... again I sit here on our bed to write ... same spot, same position. I am waiting for the sun to begin shining, find me ... cover me in a pool of warm, happy light. I find myself waiting each morning for that to happen. There's nothing like writing in a pool of sunshine. 💛💛💛💛💛

I just helped Miss Camie up onto her step, then helped her put her front feet up on the bed ... then nudged her forward gently ... she used her back legs to push herself up onto the bed. My arms stay on either side to protect her. Now, she is ready for her morning nap. 🙂🙃🙂💛💛

Skip is awake. I helped him to get up for a few minutes, then helped him back into bed. I tucked his covers around him making him snug, warm 🙂🙃🙂💛💛

The sun is peeping through the trees now! 🌳 Soon ... it will find me ... all of a sudden pour a big pool of sunshine right here on ME! I love that ... I really love that. The happiness I feel at that moment is very special. Another silly thing about ME ... but, who cares?

So ... 'I did a thang', yall ... I am proud of myself, I really am. It didn't cost money at all, and I made a wish of Skip's come true. He was wishing for a scanner so, he could listen to the Public Safety channel. So much goes on now, here ... we hear sirens all the time ... so many new people have moved here during the past several years.

With many thousands of new people there are some who are going to cause too much excitement in the way of crime, do bad things. There are lots of break-ins, somebody on the run ... such things. Skip wanted to listen to what goes on around him.

I have over a period of months been getting Skip birthday presents (his birthday is May 13th) a little at a time. 🎂 Recently, Skip has begun to worry again ... about not being here, I don't like the word ... dying. Well ... this past weekend I began giving him his birthday presents one at a time. I wanted to cheer him up ... it did, and took his mind off dying.

I gave him a watch with big numbers on it ... a little adult swimming pool (70"  round ... 30" deep) ... very small, yes. I got him another rollator ... so there's one in each vehicle. Also, a digital clock with big numbers so, he can see it. I almost forgot ... a set of walkie talkies so, if I am outside and he isn't... he can speak to me instantly. Not a lot but, I did what I felt would add to his quality of life ... make it better for him. I took a little money, made it go a long ways.

Several days ago Skip was wishing for a scanner. Hearing sirens 🚨 triggered our conversation. I had given him things I knew he'd like to have ... I will hold a bill back ... anything to try to get anything Skip wishes for ... this was something I wished I had known. I would have made sure to get him a scanner to listen to.

I began thinking on how I could afford to get Skip a scanner to go with his birthday gifts. They are very expensive as I recall. An idea began forming in my mind, I was remembering ... putting little bits of information together when all of a sudden I knew what to do! That is if it worked ... I began hunting for what I needed.

I searched everywhere for an old tablet I used to use a few years back ... it was really 'still new'. I searched everywhere high and low ... I couldn't find it. All of a sudden I got up, walked straight to it sitting on a shelf almost in front of me. I grabbed it, began hunting for an extra charger with cable ... I found one in my desk drawer.

I took my tablet, began hunting about scanners online ... I came to a local website with our county's Public Safety channel! I was praying for it to work for me so, I could make this wish of Skip's come true.

It not only worked! It worked perfectly! I with myself did it! 🙂🙃🙂😁😊 ... I pulled the website up on the extra tablet ... wallah! Skip has a scanner listening to what goes on around him! 

It has been on since yesterday working like a charm. Periodically it goes off ... brush fires, someone doing something they shouldn't  ... and such things.

It didn't cost any money at all. One couldn't ask for better reception. I did it, yall 🙃 ... I did it! How is that for improvising?  I think a scanner would cost several hundred dollars or more.

Happy Birthday, Skip! ❤ I love you with my very Heart! I love you, Miss Camie ❤ with my very Heart!

Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma ... Death ... Suffering ... Smiles

I haven't ever had a NDE ... near death experience in the meaning of dying, experiencing something to come back, tell.

I have however, lived right on the cusp ... right outside ... the door to Death. For some time I lived this way while battling cancer (Non-Hodgkins lymphoma) for my life. Much I don't remember ... much I do remember living in that world.

I was here but, not here ... I was strangely removed yet, there with Skip, our dogs. I could talk, I don't think anyone heard ME. Later when more lucid I would find out Skip didn't hear me. My thoughts were conversation inside with myself.

I remember the darkness around me ... I couldn't see past the darkness ... sometimes, I could hear. If I had died during that time ... there wasn't any fear of death ... there wasn't fear at all ... I only knew the darkness and the sensation of being the coldest I had ever been in my life.

I had a constant sensation in my body ... itching. My skin constantly itched ... not a crazy itch ... just itching. I couldn't see my skin ... I was under many blankets ... in July. I remember my fingers gently touching my skin, lightly scratching. Cancer causes itching ... chills, fever, night sweats ... loss of weight.

Skip's reaction once reached through the foggy, dark world I was in ... I was dressing myself to go to the doctor ... somehow ... I had lost so much weight without being aware of it. That's how sick I was ... I had lost all sense of ... self ... myself. I was gone but, still there. The shock was great enough to make Skip gasp ... that was the only time ever I've seen him do that.

I vaguely remember the moment I was being wheeled to surgery ... I could barely whisper. I told Skip I was so glad I was going to surgery because I couldn't make it any longer. I had major surgery ... thoracotomy on my left lung. Oh my God ... no one will ever know the pain, suffering for the next 5 years ... pain even to this day.

Non-Hodgkins lymphoma was in my lung .. my condition had progressed so much that I could barely speak above a whisper, and I couldn't breathe. It took so long to go through many tests to finally diagnose me ... I only became sicker fast. At first they thought Sarcoidosis only to find out it wasn't. 

This was only the beginning of my battle ... I was so close to death ... my body the weakest ever in my life. I went on to relapse ... have to have a ...... second surgery ... another thoracotomy on my right lung. Oh my God ... if I thought I knew pain ... imagine double pain. Back then, thoracotomy surgery was horrible. Now ... it's less invasive. The pain for years since ... even now, I hurt. I call it forever pain.

My oncologist will tell you I shouldn't even be here. In my mind I knew I wasn't going to make it ... 

I will write more on this life-altering experience as time goes by. It can't be written in a short time.

What a journey in Life I took ... it was the worst thing to ever happen to ME ... until the very moment the stranger's voice told me my son was collapsed on the beach ... and he wasn't breathing. Oh my God ... no pain I've ever suffered before, since then ... even compares.

You can't look at ME ...  and see even a hint of some of the most awful journeys I've taken in my life ... you can't even see a hint of pain this body has had in it, nor know the pain my body carries. I won't let you see ... I will dazzle you with my smiles. 

Why would I let anyone see unless ... I was looking for pity, sympathy?  You won't ever see ME want sympathy nor pity.

If you happen upon ME in pain ... and I don't hide it ... it's probably best to get me to the nearest hospital ... even if I'm smiling. I smiled through so much pain from hundreds of painful tests, when my lung was collapsed, surgeries ... when I had open-heart surgery ... if you see me in pain ... disregard my smiles ... I'm in trouble, I need medical attention. Really ... please help me.

Okay ... I see I'm getting ready to go down another road. I will stop here. I always say this to you ... when I tell my very real stories... don't ever feel sorry for ME. I write to entertain ... tell the world my experiences living real life hoping when I write, say something it will help someone. 

I also, write to survive ... writing keeps ME from building up inside ... imagine a teapot steaming ...if you closed the valve ... the teapot would explode. I am that teapot ... steaming is my release in order not to explode. We all have outlets ... writing is mine ... I write what I know best ... my Life.

I write the colors of my life. Real colors of a very real person.

All Is Said, Done ... Total Eclipse

 

Photo is of my Tommy Dragonfly windchill ... 

April 08, 2024 ... Monday ... 4:03 pm

Well, the eclipse happened ... the world didn't end. As far as I know ... bad things didn't happen. People always predict such whenever there's an event like this.

I am glad they were wrong ... I'm not one of these people who love, thrive off gloom, doom. I am one who can feel a little nervous until all is said, done.

I was concerned when multiple earthquakes were predicted. I truly hope that doesn't happen. Of course, who am I to say either way. I don't know.

I look outside .. the daylight looks normal again making ME feel good. The lighting was strange just before ... not natural. 

It is now 4:12 pm ... all is said, done now ... the total eclipse is over with. The sun is shining happily once again ... making me feel happy inside.

A Guardian Angel With My Imperfect Self ... Guardian Angel Duty

What you see in these photos is my precious, little world ... in my mind I am their Guardian Angel ... however, how imperfect I am ... even if I'm not ... a Real angel 😇 🙂🙃💚💜

April 08, 2024 ... Monday

Today is finally here for the millions of people looking to view the total eclipse. We have heard all kinds of crazy stories ... always full of doom.

Well ... this evening we will know if any or what comes true. We will be watching for that ... we didn't get special glasses so, we will stay inside. We don't mind at all.

I am sitting here on our bed. Camie just went outside ... Skip got up for a few minutes, I helped him back into bed. Camie has just come back to be helped up onto her step, helped to get up onto the bed.

Now ... she and Skip will nap for a little longer ... I will stay by their sides until they awaken ... and write. I am on guardian angel duty ... 🙂🙃🙂💜💚💜🙃 The day will begin once they get up.

Guardian angel duty 🙃 I always call myself Skip and Camie's Guardian angel.  Yes, we know I'm not a real Guardian angel with my imperfect self. I am a living, imperfect Guardian angel whose nose itches at this very moment ... I reached up to touch it, gently scratch it ... who is on this earth to watch over, protect Skip, Camie.

Oh, I'm not even an angel ... I am just ME ... Gloria. A Gloria who loves her husband, dog with all her Heart. My every day, night is about Skip and Camie. They are both older, have medical issues ... I am the strongest of us three ... I take care of us. I truly do the best I know how.

In my mind ... Guardian angels are perfect, have earned their wings. I always call myself Skip, Camie's Guardian angel ... I am in the respect of taking care of them,watching over them constantly.  

Just know ... I am in sound mind when I say I am their Guardian angel. I mean ... I don't fly, do miraculous things or such ... 🙂🙃🙂💚💜 Hell, I don't even have wings.

I couldn't fly if I wanted to. With wings I would be dangerous until I learned to navigate with them. Can't you just see it now? Gloria flying erratically ... bumping into you, and everything with a foolish grin on my face? 

That was my real thought ... so, I wrote it 🙂🙃🙂 Sometimes, our minds are very entertaining like having an internal television ... the difference is our minds can imagine the outcome of any, everything. I would imagine all happy endings ... imagine all bad guys get their just rewards ... imagine all the underdogs be top dogs. I could keep on ... I won't.  💛 

I am sitting here on the bed ... I turn my head to look at Skip ... he is sleeping peacefully with his hand to his face ... I look at Camie sleeping in front of me. I wonder if they in any way know the love that envelops them even when asleep?

I wonder if they in any way know ... that this living being, this whole person called ... Gloria ... loves them with everything that is ... Gloria?

They are my world 🌎 ♥ ❤ and I'll be their living, imperfect Guardian angel as long as we all breathe. Every breath I take is pure love for my little world ... Skip and Camie.

This angel is wanting coffee! I think Skip is awake ... Camie probably is awake waiting for us to make a move 🙂🙃🙂💚💜💚💛💛

Skip Bates Precious Camo Kissy Fairchild Tommy M Sidden