I've Been Doing A Lot of Thinking ... I've Had so Much to Think About ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... 2016

I wish I could make all good ... remove all bad. I can't ... I've accepted I can only do the very best I can. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

I am finding out that no matter the peace I made inside to be able to live with the knowledge that my son will never come back ... even six years later ... grief will strike unexpectedly. The pain is just as great ... one wants to just fall down on the floor, cry their very Heart out. It hurts very bad. Sometimes, the pain is much greater than I am ... I can't hold it all inside. I don't want anyone to see me hurt ... I don't want to make them sad.

I have been experiencing this for the past 3 days. I made it through Thanksgiving and had no idea getting through Christmas would be any different ... the grief I've been experiencing has been just awful.

As bad as it has hurt me ... I have bounced back. I'm so thankful to be able to reach my Peace boat in an Ocean of Pure Pain, Grief. Now, I can be alright again. I can't believe how bad it was this time after six years. This is the year I've done very good.

I write this for the ones who follow me to read about grief, losing a child. For the ones who have never lost a child ... hopefully to never lose your child. This is why I began writing six years ago ... it saved my own life ... the pain was too great for me to hold inside ... thankfully I had a place to help to move the pain to ... a book, writing. In the long run ... writing helped to save my life. I promise you this mother's life was very fragile after learning her child had died. I would have never known if I died ... I became the walking dead.

I heard about Carrie Fisher's death, then her mother ... Debbie Reynolds ... dying one day later. I felt it go through me ... I understand. I've never been big fans of either person ... but, my Heart breaks for them. A daughter ... mother die within one day of each other. So sad ... I'm so sorry. I know that pure grief ... I almost didn't ... be here ... today.

I write my life as it really is. Some people might be uncomfortable reading about raw grief ... it's real life and it's there whether you have experienced it or not. Either you will know a grieving mother personally or you will experience being a grieving mother if you are a woman. I write to let others know how grief really is ... I don't sugar-coat it.

I never write to gain sympathy ... I don't write to get comments of pity. In fact ... no one has to say anything. I don't have to hear my son ... 'is in a better place' because I will quickly tell you in a nice way, "no, that's not true ... my son had plans to become a probation officer ... my son had been through a trauma ... and was just beginning to experience life again ... he was interested, happy to begin doing things again". I won't listen to that ... think about if someone told you that in such a way as to not acknowledge you just lost an important part of you ... your child. I think it disrespectful ... but ... I understand people will say that for lack of anything else to say ... they will say it because they've always been told such ... they will say it without thinking of what they say. I respect we all think differently ... that's why it's interesting to talk to one another. This is one thing I'm not going to hear if someone says it. I won't argue it ...

I'm strong as a redwood tree that has weathered many storms ... I stand strong, scarred from life's battles. I survived many very bad things in my life since a child ... I've lost all my loved ones ... I have very few family members left in this life ... my world, family consists now of Skip and our Pups, Kissy and Camie.

I could have easily let go ... died just after Tommy died. I came very close to it. I can still hear Skip's voice softly speaking to me when he watched over me, concern in his voice. I could hear him but, I couldn't come back to him. I was ... gone. I wasn't there.

For over 3 years I lived in darkness ... since ... I've only grown stronger, and stronger. Thankfully ... I've always been a positive person. I embrace the sunshine and brightness of each day now. I do admit that cloudy, gloomy days affect me in a negative way ... I'm afraid of darkness ... I don't want to be trapped in it again.

When you come here to read my Facebook page or go to my primary blog at: Happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com (and my other blogs) ... I write real life ... real grief. Why? Because I know it best in my life ... I grew up knowing pain of real life. It made me a strong, positive, good person through time. I could have been an old, bitter lady at this day and time. I'm not at all ... I forgive things I never thought I could ... I'm open-minded, understand so much about us ... people ... than I ever have.

I understand, look for why people act, do the things they do. I've always studied people ... us, myself. I always pay close attention to things said ... things not said. I'm the type of person who when looking at the whole picture in front of me ... is watching in the background things no one else would notice.

I care so much about people, animals. Through time I've had to learn to put other people's situations and even animals into their place to separate them from my private life ... because I would go to pieces ... I couldn't change the bad to good.

I'm sort of in a situation now ... about Special Pup. Combined with the grief of not having my son ... and caring for Special Pup ... for the past three days ... I've been very, very sad, upset. I've had to come to terms that I will be Special Pup's guardian angel always and do the best I can to help add comfort, love to his life.

I've realized that I can't bring him home even if the man gave him to me ... we are fortunate to afford to care for our Pups. They don't go to the vet anymore so, I've had to accept ... we can't afford the expense of another pup. He would need vet care ... shots and such. He has a cough that worries me. I can only do the best I can. I love him and he's come to love me. It hurts so bad. So, you can see why I've not been the best for the past 3 days. I've had to be realistic ... and I'm still in the process of accepting I can only do so much. I also, realize that he can jump so high ... our fence wouldn't accommodate him. Also, he is a pit bull ... we have a Rottweiler, and an Australian Shepherd. I will just do the best I can.

I always wanted to 'save the world' ... I could only do good in my own little ways. As a young person I knew I was so strong, invincible ... I learned through time I had to learn to choose my battles ... that no matter how much I cared ... I couldn't save the whole world. I could only do what I could as one person ... and when every one is another person ... all in all ... we do make the world a better place. I would love to do it on a grander scale ... I can only do what I can ... do the best I can.

This is what is on my mind this morning. I've been doing so much thinking ... I've had so much to think about.

Note by this Author:  

Photo/true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  These are things I've been thinking about ... battled in my mind trying to make the best decision about Special Pup.  I have such deep love for animals, people ... I suffer for it because I care so much.  Sometimes, I go to pieces ... and when that happens, I began putting all back together and can be realistic, see what I have to do.  I have to ... just be the best I can be ... each day.

It Came From My Very Soul ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

(Photo/story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates)

It's been six years ... the pain is still there ... only buried deeper so that I can have a sense of peace. Holidays ... seeing families doing happy things together ... trigger the grief ... it travels from my soul into my everyday ... I cry until I feel a sense of peace again ... until next time. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Grief during the holidays ... no matter it has been 6 years ... the pain of losing a child is still great. I experienced such grief last night ... this morning .... that almost sent me to the hospital.

At first I didn't know why my chest was hurting ... why I was beginning to be emotional. Last night I stood at the side of our bed, began crying. That's when I knew why I was getting in such bad shape. I was crying for Tommy ... my son, only child.

The pain was so deep that I could hardly come back from it. I felt such anger burning in my chest ... oh my, the pain was so great. I wanted to just scream to the universe how bad I was hurting. All was greater than me ... and it was all inside me. Nowhere to go ... I felt the wings fluttering in my stomach ... like trapped birds in a cage. It's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. The birds wanted to get out ... fly free.

I find that no matter how hard I try to make everything alright ... know all is going to be okay ... tell myself I'm at peace ... this still happens unexpectedly. My soul pure cries from the pain it feels ... pain that is so deep and quiet that I don't know it's there until like last night ... I began to feel it travel up from my soul.

All of this happened quietly ... even Skip wasn't aware of it until the pain was so severe that I cried. Finally this morning I could tell him what was wrong. I am so private, quiet about my grief ... it was hard to mention it to the very person I love most in the world. When he became alarmed, I had to tell him that I was hurting so bad. I don't like to upset Skip ... he's been through so much. I'm very strong ... sometimes ... I am weak.

I slept a lot this evening. Now, I am fine, strong once again. I have had on my mind another grieving mother whom I've grown to care about. She lost her son several months ago and she is just beginning to travel the road of grief I've been on for six years. My Heart feels for her ... breaks for her.

Grief is never-ending ... one grows stronger to cope with it. No matter how strong one gets ... sometimes the pain hurts so bad. The good thing is in my situation ... that I can be alright again. <3

The combination of grief ... and worrying about Special Pup ... got the best of me. Talking to Skip made me feel better ... he cares so much. I care so much that I normally keep things to myself. I've always promise to write about this mother's grief when it happens ... this is what just happened. I write to let others understand. Don't ever feel sorry for me ... that's not why I write.

Tomorrow is a new day ... one that I look forward to. Everything really is going to be alright. <3

Narrowing a Million Thoughts into One Thought ...

Our Precious Kissy ...

Our Precious Camie

I woke up this morning at 5:00 am with a million thoughts in my mind.  No one things stands out ... well yes, one does.  That's the Special Pup Skip and I have become guardian angels to.  He is always in my mind.

Each morning when I wake up my prayers are that he has stayed inside his house all night, warm in his soft shavings and the soft blankets (and my over-sized sweatshirt).  When he comes out he stands the chance of getting tangled around the trees that are close by.  He stays there waiting for someone to come help him.  At night time my prayers are the very same as each morning.

Let me tell you a few things about this pup ... he is a pit bull.  He is precious and doesn't bark, growl at Skip and I.  It's like he naturally loves us ... like we naturally love him.

When he sees us come, he'll rise up in his dog house ... come out the door stretching.  Then he'll make 'bird sounds' like our Camie does when she is so glad to see us after we have been gone for a while.

I will walk to him while talking ... take him food that we share from our Pups' food ... chews, and water.  Special Pup (that's my name for him because he is just that) ... becomes so animated.  Happiness makes him wiggle-waggle just like our Kissy!  He will give me sugar!

My mind is on him as I sit here writing.  As soon as it is daylight ... I will go to check on him ... give him more food, check his water to make sure it isn't frozen.  His owner also, puts food out for him and is gone a couple days at a time.  I don't judge this man because what's important is the dog.  I hope one day he will see my love for his dog ... decide I should bring him home with me.  I believe ... I pray ... I trust.

Did I say I woke up with a million thoughts and no one stands out to me?  As I wrote ... it became clear that one does stand out to me ... what really is on my mind.  I just shared it with you.

My hopes are to be able to take this Precious Pup off his chain ... bring him home with me ... take it from there.  Like when I rescued Camie (our mixed Australian Shepherd) ... I will help him to blend into our family.  He will become most important ... loved, cared for like he's never known.  This is my wish for Special Pup.  Would you all who read this ... keep this in your prayers?  Prayers accomplish miracles ... I believe in miracles.  My life is full of them.

How's that for narrowing a million thoughts into ... one thought?

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Note by this Author:

This is exactly what is on my mind this morning when I woke up.  I know deep inside that good things will somehow work to make it possible for this big, beautiful dog to have a good life.  All the while Skip and I will give him comfort, love ... be his guardian angels as long as it takes.  I pray he will become my Pup ... come home to us.

Photo, true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

I Can't See For Looking ...

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I Can't See For Looking ...

Isn't it amazing when all the time you are looking at something ... you think you see the whole picture?  Isn't it strange when there's so much in front of you ... that you don't see?  Even pure danger ... even something mysterious, wonderful.

I remember one time when we were in Brazo, Texas at a rattlesnake farm.  The man took us to look in some pits to see rattlesnakes.  I sort of scoffed at it because in my mind I knew I wouldn't see any rattlesnakes.  You know how it is when you really want to see something ... it seems ... impossible.

I stood at the round rock wall that surrounded a pit, looked down.  Sure enough I couldn't see anything just like I knew would happen.  I stood there looking at all the weeds, rocks ... boring!  Then magic happened!

I became aware of one rattlesnake barely moving ... as my eyes adjusted ... oh my God!  There were 'millions' of rattlesnakes moving all around in that pit!  Oh my!

I became very alert.  I knew if there were so many rattlesnakes in the pit ... there bound to be many rattlesnakes all around.  After all, we were in Texas.  They don't have roundups for nothing.  Rattlesnakes can crawl everywhere ...

Anyway ... this is an example of what I mean when I mention about seeing ... but not seeing.  Not seeing even when something is right in front of you just like the 'millions' of rattlesnakes right in front of my eyes!

This is like people who have pets ... keep them outside ... don't feed, care for them ... the pets are seen as objects.  These people can't see what's in front of them when they look at their pets.  Oh, think of all the pure love right in front of them as they treat their pets badly.  No matter how they starve, neglect their pets ... they never 'see' the love, hurt ... staring back at them.  The lucky people who finally 'see' one day are the ones whose lives are completely changed.

They become aware of looking into a pet's eyes ... stop, really see that it has feelings.  See such love, pain in their pets' eyes.  Once a person really sees, becomes aware ... there's no going back.  It changes a person to one who instantly begins to care about their pets.  They begin to feel the love ... as they nurture their pets ... they are rewarded with kisses, wagging tails ... a happy jumping jack body as the pet comes alive as it's showered with caring, love.

Think of the people who can't see for looking.  They miss out on something magical, wonderful when they can't see.  It's an honor for an animal to give you unconditional love no matter if it's scolded, no matter the hateful-ass people who kick, slap their pets.  Look at what they are missing out on.

I think of many things when I think of seeing ... but not seeing.  I even think about the afterlife.  I wonder ... what it is ... that I'm not seeing when I look so hard sometimes ... hoping to see my son again.

I think I'm going to study this.  You know ... like try to look not as hard ... let my eyes adjust.  Who knows what I might see?

NOTE by this AUTHOR:

Photo, story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

These are things I was thinking about tonight.  I keep thinking about people not seeing anything when they are looking ... even me.  I am thinking I want to see, be aware of everything.  That means I have to slow down ... take my time ... hopefully become aware of things I didn't know are there.  I wonder what I might see?

UPDATE on SPECIAL PUP .... I Posted on Facebook this am

UPDATE on SPECIAL PUP .... I Posted on Facebook this am

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates 2016 ... aka Granny Gee

At 7:00 am this morning I got up, dressed without taking time to do anything ... went straight to the dog Skip and I have become guardian angels to. Why? I asked several people to always look there to see if the dog seems to be in distress ... to text, call me to let me know so I can go straight to him. That's what happened ... I got a text to let me know he seemed to be just sitting there out in this wet weather.

The strange thing is that I had just woken from a crazy dream where I saw smoke, and a house fire on a big hill! Could it have been Special Pup thinking of me, hoping I would come to help him? I had him on my mind. That's when I got a text about him!

I jumped into the pickup ... went to him ... there he was sitting there, cold and wet ... and tangled up. He couldn't get to his house. I went straight to him ... began leading him around the two trees his chain was wrapped around ... that sweet baby couldn't wait to get inside his house!

I made sure the waterproof cover we put on it was secure .... went ahead put his food in a little stainless steel bowl ... put it inside his house with him so, it will stay dry until he eats it. His water was good. I had an extra gallon of water if needed.

My prayer is that somehow the man could somehow open his eyes ... 'see' his dog is more than just a ... dog. I wish somehow a fence would appear so he isn't on a heavy chain. I wish for a good dog house with a little shelter for his dry food bowl to stay dry during bad weather to appear. I can't say I know this can't happen because in my life I've seen bigger miracles ... this would be another big miracle. I would provide that for him if I could possibly could.

I can be there for him ... I can walk to him in really bad weather if needed with Skip by my side. I am so thankful I can walk a couple miles or more easily now. I'm so thankful my body is so strong now.

 :)

We know in our Hearts we need to give that Pup (I call him Special Pup) ... all the comfort we possibly can. We share our Pups' food, and treats, take water to him. We love, talk to him and let him feel our love.

I hope somehow when we have to walk away from him that our love stays in his mind and somehow he is warmed by it when it's so cold outside where he has to live. No dog should have to live in all kinds of weather without any comforts to make his life better. He has my over-sized sweat shirt to sleep with inside his house ... thankfully the man put a lot of soft wood shavings in there.

Remember ... I don't judge this man because I can tell he is like I was many years ago ... he can't 'see' that a dog is a living being and is loving and needs lots of attention. To him the dog is his 'guard dog' ... no more no less. He's never opened his eyes to know what we animal lovers know ... he's never looked into a dog's face into its eyes to see that they are windows to the dog's soul ... he's never seen all the love, pain, grief in that dog's eyes.

I was like this so many, many years ago ... I wasn't brought up to have pets and there wasn't any way I could 'see' ... later when I was an adult ... I opened my eyes slowly and it took so much time! ... oh the grief I felt when I looked back at the dogs I couldn't 'see' ... the feelings they had. It isn't that I didn't care and I'm sure this man is like that ... it's because one doesn't/didn't know.

This beautiful white dog has so much love, doesn't bark or growl at us ... he talks to us and like our Kissy he wiggles, waggles so much from happiness to see us.

<3

Thankfully, Skip and I have at least 2-3 extra pairs of eyes I trust will let me know if they see this Pup sitting outside away from his house ... 9 out of 10 times he is tangled up and can't get back to his house. I thank God for them. Thank you sweet girl for texting me this morning. Special Pup needed me!Just let me know and I'll go to the Special Pup's aid ... night or day.

I worry about him at all times ... and when it gets really wintry ... guess who will be constantly checking on him? The man stays gone a couple days at a time ... I have to go make sure the Pup is okay. I can't stay warm, eat when I'm hungry unless I know he can be in his house, have his food, water ... (thankfully Skip is just like me! He is the most perfect husband for me ... we are so much alike. He and I would get up anytime day or night to go to the Pup ... sick or not sick).

I will keep everyone updated on Special Pup! Don't judge this man though I know it's easy to do that ... I almost did. I don't look any farther now ... than what Special Pup needs. I try not to think about the man ... not have negative thoughts.

I will say this ... I keep in the back of my mind that the man will wake up enough ... to think that his dog would be happiest with us.

Truthfully, the dog is a a pit bull ... and if anyone else got involved ... I know the dog's life would be the end ... just because of his breed. I don't want anything to happen to him ... we are here for him.

I've never wanted a pit bull dog, I don't need another dog ... or the responsibility ... I can't afford another dog's expense of food ... I sure can't afford medical expenses for our Pups anymore... much less for another dog. BUT ... if this man gave me this gentle, sweet, precious dog ... I would take him, bring him home, care for him and if I could let him go ... I'd get him the best home. If not ... he would have the most loving home ever with us. I believe in prayers, miracles ... please keep Special Pup in your prayers ... I know good things would somehow work to happen in his life. If you could 'see' his eyes, his face ... he would melt your Heart. He has our Hearts now.

Wake up to a whole new world you've never been aware of. Educate yourself on how to love, care for your pets ... to see them more than just a dog ... cat ... animal. I promise you that your life will change in ways you never believed. Pets are meant to be taken the best care of if they are your responsibility. I promise you if you look into a dog, cat's eyes and 'see' ... your life will change in good ways. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Note by this Author for Every Person Who 'Can't See ... Dogs, Cats ... Animals:

Don't read below unless you want my words to stick in your mind ... change your life and how you look at animals.  I promise you this ... you will constantly think about them, change toward animals, pets.

True story of my life at present.  I don't judge anyone ... I just do the very best I can to bring love, comfort to Special Dog ... both Skip and I do.  This man has no idea how to treat a dog ... he's never been taught ... he's never seen that dogs have feelings ... love.  I've seen the love the dog has for the man ... the man doesn't think about love when he looks at the dog.  He doesn't know any better.

I know there are many people who are 'out there' ... that don't 'see' ... understand how people can love dogs, cats, animals like 'us animal lovers' do.  I was like that as a very young person as I never was allowed to have a pet ... it took until my adult years to 'wake up' one day ... see all I had missed on loving dogs in my case ( I love all animals).  The grief I feel through all the years when 'I didn't know better'.

Wake up ... look into an animals eyes ... you will be amazed at the intelligence, unconditional love you will find.  I warn you though ... if you ever see the feelings in a pet's eyes ... you will never be the same. You will find yourself caring in ways you never knew you could.  Not only that ... pets love you unconditionally and are more loyal than any person ... no matter what.  Wake up ... you will see you've been co-existing in a world beside a world you haven't been aware of.  That's what it means when you are told to ... wake up.  Take a look to the next level ... see things you didn't know.  Are you brave enough?  Do you care enough?  I believe you do.  I believe in good ... in miracles.

<3

I Can't See You ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
(My Kissy laying on floor behind me)






You are standing there ... I can't see you
An object like a piece of furniture or a tree
I don't see anything about you to make me notice

Years, and years ... wasted time goes by
Until ... one day real magic happens
A thin, invisible veil is lifted from my eyes

I see!  I see you ... a beautiful, white dog
Feelings in your eyes, life in your body
Whereas before ... I never saw any of this

I can never go back to not seeing you
My Heart can't stop feeling such love
Hands can't ever not feed, care for you

I can see you now ... beautiful, white dog
You have my Heart ... I'll take care of you
I won't ever go back to not seeing you ... you are real now












Note by this Author:

This is a poem that came to my mind ... actually a prayer for a beautiful, white dog I know ... call Special Pup.

I pray that the man wakes up, sees the real feelings of his dog.  He is behind the invisible wall that people live behind until one day ... they wake up and see animals are real living beings with feelings just like us.

Once the veil is lifted ... one can never go back to not feeling, caring for a dog, animal.

My prayer is for the man who owns Special Pup is to wake up soon and see the wonderful, loving dog he has and truly care for him.  If he doesn't ... I pray he'll give him to me.  I will care for him, keep him safe.

Photo, poem owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  A true poem ... a true prayer from my Heart.

Heavier Than the Box!

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Our friend ordered a coat online not long ago.  When it got here he took it out of the box saying how light the box felt!

He took tried it on.  He said how strange it was ... the coat he'd ordered ... was ... heavier than the box!  

Isn't that strange how the contents of a box can actually feel heavier than than the box it came in?






Note by this Author:

True story ... it amazed me how the coat felt heavier than the box it came in!

True story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

I Was on the Other Side

I smiled as I waved to him
He looked straight at me
I smiled brighter knowing he'd see me

My smile began to fade as I realized
He couldn't see me no matter how I waved
Because I was on the other side

The other side of a tinted glass
In the vehicle I sat in
That's when I knew in my Heart

That our loved ones who have died
Must do ... try to smile, wave
Comfort, hug us but we don't see, feel

Why?  Because they are on the other side
Only once in a while will the veil slip
One will be able to see, hear their loved ones

Just like that tinted glass I sat behind
If I had just simply rolled the window down
My friend would have seen me smiling, waving

When I look around I try hard to see
If possible to see a place where the 'glass isn't tinted'
Maybe see Tommy ... my mother, brother ... loved ones

So far no luck ... I won't give up
Because just maybe ... maybe
One day I might see to the ... other side






I wonder if the Other Side is like sitting behind tinted glass ... no matter how much you wave to someone ... they can't see you. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.






Note by this Author:

Yesterday this really happened ... our friend never saw me smiling, waving to him through the tinted glass.  This incident gave me much to think about ... I wondered if Tommy ever stood, smiled, reached out to hug me ... and I never saw him ... on the other side?

True poem/photos written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

I Never Take Anything For Granted ...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 Kissy Fairchild

 Camie Leigh (Precious Camie)

Skip

The surest way to lose something is to think you'll always have it ... never take anything for granted. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Skip asked me, "do you have anything to be thankful for?"  I said of course I do.

I have you and our two Pups ... you are my whole world I told him.  What are you thankful for?  "I'm thankful for the very things you are," he said.

We are our world ... in this big, old world.  We are all the other has who is closest, loves us most ... cares what we think, feel.  This is what Thanksgiving means to us ... thankful for what means most in the world ... love, family, ... Pups... friends.

We never take anything for granted because one can be here today ... gone tomorrow.  When I lost my son it brought home to me that if he can be gone forever ... anyone can be.

I am fortunate, grateful for my world made up of Skip, The Pups and you ... my Friends.  No, I never-ever take anything for granted.



Note by this Author:

Tonight Skip asked me out of the blue what I was thankful for.  These are my thoughts on how I really feel.

Photos/story owned,written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.