Grief For Things I Have No Control Of ... I Write My Grief October 18, 2020

Grief For Things I Have No Control Of ... October 18, 2020

I remember watching my little son riding his motorcycle up the circular driveway on our land in the mountains. He was flying! I watched him smiling ... until I looked out in the yard, saw a cinderblock laying in his path. He couldn't see it as he rode uphill. I could see it ... all of a sudden my world turned into a nightmare. My son was riding toward death and I couldn't prevent it. I remember screaming to him ... he couldn't hear me. He was in his own happy little world. I watched in horror as he flew up the driveway ... topped the hill ... hit that cinderblock. I was already running toward him. I saw him fly up in the air as he wrecked ... I ran to him crying, knowing my little boy was dead. I began smiling when he jumped up before I got to him saying, "I'm alright, Mama!" Last night with my Kissy ... I came into the living room to sit with Kissy ... he laid down beside my foot on the floor ... I knew he was too weak to get up on the loveseat/ottoman with me where he loves to lay. I placed my foot on his back gently ... he loves that. I comfort him like that when he can't lay beside me. I fell asleep, woke up ... Kissy was laying beside me ... on the loveseat/ottoman ... sleeping peacefully. I smiled, made sure he had some of my warm blanket on him. Before that ... Kissy had a hard time breathing. Before daylight this morning he had the worst time yet. All I could do was place my hand on him, gently pat him ... let him know his mommy was by his side. I notice he will stand a lot and I know it's because he can't lay down. I notice the way he holds his proud head, body ... it has become 'sad' ... he doesn't sit like he did. I'm noticing all the subtle changes in him. Something tells me ... it's time. Tomorrow I am going to have to call ... get information on how much it will cost to get Kissy the shot that will take away all his suffering. I am going to also, call Carolina Pet Cremation to find out what it will cost for cremation. Skip is upset ... we both have been grieving for what is coming. The pain is so deep, it hurts really bad. Skip wants Kissy to be cremated like Fairchild and Chadwick were. I don't know if I can raise money to have him cremated ... I am going to try to raise money to get him to the vet for the shot. I will do the best I can. I told Skip if he couldn't get Kissy cremated we could ask our friend if he will make a place for him here with a big rock. I would paint the rock for Kissy. Skip seemed satisfied when I told him that. Skip is facing heart surgery ... Tuesday we will see the surgeon. He will have a heart valve replacement. He and Kissy not being well at the same time upsets Skip Bates Skip. Both have heart conditions. I feel as if my little, precious world is spiraling out of control. Of course I don't know the future ... I would be afraid of knowing at this point. I do know my Heart is breaking over Kissy. He is having a good morning, he ate ... went outside with my help down the steps ... came back and is sleeping peacefully in front of the fan. Moments like this make me think he will be okay ... realistically ... I know better. Some people could say ... 'well, he's just a dog'. I would tell them, 'no, he isn't just a dog ... he has been my baby for 10 years ... he has so much of my love invested in him .... he is my link to Tommy ... 10 years ago Tommy and our 12 year old Rottie died within several months of each other ... oh my God, the devastation, grief. Kissy entered the picture as a 6 week old puppy. I'll never forget when we went to Wilmington, NC to pick him up. He was running around with his siblings ... he made a little growly sound that got my attention. It was too cute, precious ... I chose Kissy. He became my baby. Also ... and I know and don't know if reincarnation is possible ... but, if it was ... then Tommy came back as Kissy :) <3 :) Just a short time before Tommy died he was visiting us ... he was playing with Fairchild and Chadwick ... our dogs then. Tommy looked at me and said, 'Mom, if I died I would want to come back as yours and Skip's dog'. We never know ... strange things do happen. We enjoyed thinking Kissy could be Tommy because strange enough ... Kissy did things to remind us of Tommy. :) :) :) Of course, we knew Kissy was ... Kissy. <3 <3 <3 But ... what if? :) <3 :) This is what's on my mind this morning. I know what's coming and I am going to have to be strong no matter what. I have 2 of my most loved ones in this world not well. My Heart cries a lot lately, silently. This is another time in my Life that is critical. I can't go dig a hole to put my head in the sand ... I feel like it so, I don't have to face up. I'm not made that way ... I'm no good to my precious world like that ... I can only meet it head-on ... and again I can only do the best I can. Year 2020 ... what a year this has been for our big world, our country ... our loved ones. Millions have died from the pandemic/COVID-19. If that weren't bad enough, so many 'firsts' in our lives ... all the hurricanes, wildfires, the list goes on. Our whole world has been in a constant grief that won't go away no time soon. So ... much ... death. My Heart has felt so much from all going on ... March, April and May ... I lost my strength, sunk into an awful depression. All that was happening ... people dying ... the virus creating destruction in its path, the fear of contracting it ... Skip's health had become critical again. We had to stay inside ... Skip wasn't well ... I was alone with only my thoughts. I came out of that depression determined to not fall in it again. I'm still determined. I'm still determined ... I'm still determined. I'm no good to anyone if I'm off in a dark world somewhere trying to not feel pain. So ... I'm not running away. Just because I cry sometimes doesn't mean I'm not strong. I expect a lot more tears in my Heart.

October 16, 2020 ... Friday ... Skip's Upcoming Heart Surgery

October 16, 2020 ... Friday ... Skip's Upcoming Heart Surgery

After tomorrow's appointment finally to the main one Tuesday with heart surgeon. We will know what we are facing and prepare for whatever battles are ahead. We mean ... I mean to win them, face them head-on. If there's one thing I know how to do in Life ... it's to battle, I have since a little child. I might not do it gracefully, cry and 'raise hell' ... fight like hell ... but, I'm still here and oh my, the battle scars my body carries ... my mind carries. :) <3 :) I am strong when Skip isn't, I'm his strength when for a time he doesn't have his. You might see me bent down under the weight , maybe falter for a time ... you will also see me get myself right back up and keep going. :) <3 :) I think if I would have been a man I would have been 'one helluva a boxer' ... I would have fought to the end. Mentally I have been gearing up for whatever is ahead. I don't only have Skip Bates Skip to battle for ... my Kissy, also. Today he had another spell. I can be calm now as I make sure his legs, head aren't twisted unnaturally. I make sure they are stretched out like they should be. I did cry because I had the overwhelming sense today that he wouldn't be here much longer. If I ever cry it doesn't mean I'm weak at all ... it means I love, care with my very Heart. Even if I'm afraid it doesn't mean I'm weak ... it means when I fight it's going to be one helluva of a fight that I mean to win ... if I don't win it won't be for not doing my best. Am I a tough guy, cookie? No, not at all ... I don't know what I am ... whatever I am it's natural. I have my Grandma Alma to thank for my fighting spirit. She was paralyzed for 20 some years yet ... she was the strongest woman I have ever known. So ... here's to whatever happens in the future ... I'm ready to do the very best I can ... and my intent is to win Skip's battle when he doesn't feel strong enough to ... when he feels strong enough well ... it's double-strength ... we will do it together. Our life is like that and you'll hear me say it again and I will laugh inside when I say it ... because I can hear my son, Tommy when he was living and as big as life ... say these words ... 'Mama, that's the way I roll!' Well, this is ... how we roll! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Life is what it is ... and we never stop living it ... we just have to do our best. That's all I know to do. I've got 'a lot of best' left!