SKIP'S GRANDMA LOIS... HANG ON TIGHT, GRANNY!
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
Skip grew up close to his Grandma Lois. She was his father's mother. Grandma Lois was Director of Nursing at the hospital where they lived. Skip loved going to the hospital as a young guy to talk to the nurses who worked under her.
The nurses would be talking and laughing with Skip ... he was a handsome young man! Grandma Lois would come walking up the hall... they'd scatter going back to work. She was very stern with them, and didn't like them to be 'playing' on the job. She was of the 'old school'. She was very professional.
She was a very serious-minded person, though she did have a sense of humor. She could play music... by ear. She didn't know how to read music, but, she could play the old-timey piano she had, singing for family and friends who came to visit her. Grandma Lois could play the guitar, mandolin, and banjo. She loved to sing songs such as 'Won't You Come Home, Bill Bailey'.
Grandma Lois loved to eavesdrop ... she was on a partyline of six. Skip would come into the door talking and she'd hush him up quickly! She loved to eavesdrop on Lizzie, one of her neighbors. She'd talk about Lizzie after going to church ...she'd tell Skip all about what Lizzie wore. One of the times was that Lizzie wore a tacky hat that day. Skip asked her did it have more feathers than hers?
One day Skip went to his Grandma Lois to tell her about a new car he wanted. He needed someone to sign the bank note for him before he could order it. She asked him what kind of car was he wanting.
Skip described the car to her, it was a 1966 Chevelle Super Sport, 396 cubic inch engine, 375 glorious horsepower, with enough power ....'to pull the doors off hell'! (Skip didn't tell Grandma Lois about 'all that glorious horsepower'). It was a beautiful copper-brown color. The seats were of soft, black leather... bucket seats. It had a 4-speed transmission. It was truly a beautiful... fast machine!
Grandma Lois called up Jimmy, the bank rep. She told him about the car, that she'd sign the bank note when the car got there... they'd order it and it'd take 3-4 weeks to be at the car lot. He told her that she needed to come up there to sign the papers now... Grandma Lois said to him 'Jimmy, I'll sign those papers when the car gets here, don't hand me a bunch of junk now, I changed your diapers when you were a baby!'
The car finally came.... Grandma Lois and Skip went to pick it up. There it sat on the car lot... pretty as a picture! Skip felt excitement as he stood there looking in awe at it!
He and his Grandma Lois went inside the office to join the salesman and bank rep (Jimmy). She signed the papers, they all shook hands. It was time to leave in Skip's new car!
They got into the car, Skip drove it gingerly as possible to go through the gears. Grandma Lois was very relaxed. The motor sounded like a song bird. They drove... the trip home was 18 miles...
Grandma Lois asked Skip to stop at the local country store where Skip and his friends hung around. The locals played horseshoes there... there were always alot of men challenging each other to a game. When they drove up and stopped, alot of friends of Skip's was there.. they all looked at his new car. They loved it!
Skip's Grandma Lois wanted a can of snuff, she wanted Skip to buy it for her. She never let anyone know that she dipped snuff. Skip got out, went inside, bought the snuff and two bottles of soda. He came back out and got inside the car. He started the engine...
His friends began yelling for him to 'show them what that car could do!' No one had a car like that around there, they loved it. Skip yelled back that he couldn't ... his grandma was in the car.
Then.... Skip sat back in that seat ... the feeling came over him that was too strong to ignore! He wanted and felt he needed to 'unleash the power' in that Chevelle! He wanted to show his friends 'what that car could do!'
He backed out gently into the road...he let the car come to a stop. He put it into 1st gear.......... all of a sudden ...'all hell broke loose!'
He dropped that clutch, put the accelerator to the floor! His Grandma Lois was pegged to the back of the seat! Then..... he went for 2nd gear!
Grandma Lois lurched forward, was thrown back against that seat again! Skip went for 3rd gear... once again Grandma Lois went forward, and was pegged forcefully against the back of that seat!
Skip threw it into 4th gear, it happened again... Grandma Lois was thrown forward and again... she was pinned to her seat. Skip looked down, he was going 110 mph, they had gone less than a quarter mile down the road!
Grandma Lois had begun to holler ..'slow this damn deathtrap down and let me out!' Skip slowed down to 50 mph. Grandma Lois was furious! 'Why did you take off like that!'
Skip told Grandma Lois that the salesman had told him he needed to do that for several times... 'that was part of the breaking-in process'! Grandma Lois didn't say a word. Skip drove normally the rest of the way home.
Later, down at the country store Skip met up with his friends. They were excitedly talking about his new car. What a car! They had never seen a car run like that! One guy said 'it ran like a scalded jackrabbit!'
Grandma Lois did ride with Skip again, he never took her on such a ride again. Two months later ...Skip left for the Army. He left his Grandma Lois with the memory of 'the ride of her life!'
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
TABAN'S BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW... SKIP AND I WILL SEE HIM!
TABAN'S BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW... SKIP AND I WILL SEE HIM!
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
Tomorrow, March 16th... is my grandson, Taban's birthday. It seems like he was born 'just yesterday'. A beautiful little baby who came tumbling into this big old world. Taban was born March 16, 2007.
His mother was happy that he was finally here, a smile on her tired face that only a mother has when she has experienced childbirth. I was honored that she wanted me to be there along with her mother, for Taban's birth. I stood there waiting for his arrival... I smiled when he entered the world.
Skip stood outside the room, and Tommy came. He had parked the big truck outside the hospital. He ran inside, got on the elevator to come up to the room. I saw such a special, soft expression on his face. Little Taban, Tommy's son, had just been born. Tommy was thrilled. The months prior, he'd had taken so long to .... pick just the right name for him. Taban means 'genius'... Tommy wanted his son to have an important name, a special name.
Tommy wanted a name that Taban would grow into... be... he wanted his son to be groomed to be somebody who could stand on his own two feet, support himself in this world, to do many things. A 'genius' could do all that.
Tomorrow... Skip and I will meet Taban and his mother. We will see little Taban. We talked yesterday for quite some time, I found that it really felt good to talk to her again... I never knew I would. I enjoyed listening to her tell me about her nursing classes, working at the hospital. I felt pride for her. She has been reading my blog, I had sent her the link months ago. I'm glad she has been, I don't want to be 'two-faced'... I'm not, I am 'up-front'.
I think I felt bad for writing so honestly, I told her I had to... I have no family to leave my story with for Taban to know me later, if I never saw him again. I felt she understood... I felt she understood alot. I felt that I'd hurt her at times with my honesty ... I felt I'm sorry I hurt her. I thought I hated her... I felt caring for her... it was still under the surface... I was happy to talk to her.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow.... to see Taban, to see his mother.
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
Tomorrow, March 16th... is my grandson, Taban's birthday. It seems like he was born 'just yesterday'. A beautiful little baby who came tumbling into this big old world. Taban was born March 16, 2007.
His mother was happy that he was finally here, a smile on her tired face that only a mother has when she has experienced childbirth. I was honored that she wanted me to be there along with her mother, for Taban's birth. I stood there waiting for his arrival... I smiled when he entered the world.
Skip stood outside the room, and Tommy came. He had parked the big truck outside the hospital. He ran inside, got on the elevator to come up to the room. I saw such a special, soft expression on his face. Little Taban, Tommy's son, had just been born. Tommy was thrilled. The months prior, he'd had taken so long to .... pick just the right name for him. Taban means 'genius'... Tommy wanted his son to have an important name, a special name.
Tommy wanted a name that Taban would grow into... be... he wanted his son to be groomed to be somebody who could stand on his own two feet, support himself in this world, to do many things. A 'genius' could do all that.
Tomorrow... Skip and I will meet Taban and his mother. We will see little Taban. We talked yesterday for quite some time, I found that it really felt good to talk to her again... I never knew I would. I enjoyed listening to her tell me about her nursing classes, working at the hospital. I felt pride for her. She has been reading my blog, I had sent her the link months ago. I'm glad she has been, I don't want to be 'two-faced'... I'm not, I am 'up-front'.
I think I felt bad for writing so honestly, I told her I had to... I have no family to leave my story with for Taban to know me later, if I never saw him again. I felt she understood... I felt she understood alot. I felt that I'd hurt her at times with my honesty ... I felt I'm sorry I hurt her. I thought I hated her... I felt caring for her... it was still under the surface... I was happy to talk to her.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow.... to see Taban, to see his mother.
Friday, March 16, 2012
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU, THANK-YOU FOR LISTENING
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU, THANK-YOU FOR LISTENING
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
I was walking in the park, everywhere was interesting. Colors, signs pointing the way to this interesting exhibit, that exhibit. I wanted to see everything! I loved this park, the paths, the many beautiful trees, and wooden walkways that went in all directions!
I saw an open door and walked inside. I saw several people sitting in the room I had walked into ... several were in wheelchairs. I wondered what this was. I looked on the walls to see if there were signs indicating that I should sit down on one of the couches there to 'wait for something... maybe a special demostration, or a show. No one spoke to me, and I didn't see a sign.
I began walking, looking at how 'homey' this building was.. and wondered what it was supposed to represent. It really looked like someone's ...home! An elderly woman came up to me and ....I spoke to her. I asked her what was this place that looked like someone's home?
It was her home! She said she lived there, I felt so confused. She had her home in the middle of the park? Yes, she told me. I began apologizing for just 'walking into' her home, I felt embarassed. I could see she was irritated with me, and I wanted to get out of her home....
My eyes spotted a dispenser of sorts... up on the wall. Colors... yes, colors caught my attention and I knew I wanted to see what they were. The dispenser had 3 different compartments... all was clear and I could see through to the red color, green color and blue color. I wanted to push the button to see what happened. I just wanted to push it alittle bit... there was nothing to catch whatever it was. I pushed the button to the red one and waited.
Red liquid of a pretty color red... began to drip ... onto the floor. It wouldn't stop! I knew the woman would be even more upset with me. There she was! I'm so sorry, I told her. She indicated that she wanted me to leave, and I walked outside... now .. I was looking for Tommy.
I was walking on the wooden walkway and came to wooden steps with a wooden rail... there stood Tommy, smiling. I asked him where had he been. He said something that I can't remember now... I saw a wound on his cheek and asked him what happened to his face. He said someone's father had stabbed him in the cheek. Tommy began laughing like it wasn't important.
He reached into his pocket and brought out alot of money in bills. In my my mind I knew these bills were called 'K's'.... yes, 'K's'. Tommy began putting bill by bill into my hands.... he was giving me alot of K's... that was alot of money! He was still smiling as I ..................... woke up.
Lately, I've been dreaming the strangest dreams... and I know they all are related to Tommy being gone. I try hard not to get down, today I was as I painted on the porch. I painted flowers, leaves, roses and cut them out for a poster I'm making for a business (birthday poster). As I sat there... I thought about my dream last night.
It makes me sad ... even on that pretty porch among my many bottles of wonderful, beautiful happy colors. I wonder 'why' I'm dreaming so much lately about Tommy?
Do you know ... it really makes me just want to cry. I know today my face reflects this inner turmoil inside... I'm not smiling much today. This is 'one of those times' it takes alot to get past what I'm experiencing.
At this very moment I hear... those special bamboo windchimes. The wind is blowing them so, they make that wonderful sound that only bamboo chimes can make. I smile... I know how proud Tommy and his wife were when they gave me gifts from Old World Market. I remember some years ago when they were walking in that special store and called me on the cellphone... they were having such a nice time shopping. The bamboo windchimes were something he knew I'd dearly love, treasure.
He's gone, the windchimes are here to make their special music to remind me of a happy time for Tommy and his wife. They had thought of me, too. It was my birthday. Each time the bamboo windchimes sounds... I think of 'then'. I 'see' in my mind the smiles when they saw how much their gifts meant to me. Thank-you, Tommy... Angie.
I don't want to upset Skip ... he worries when I'm down. He's hesitant to speak of Tommy alot of times, he's afraid it will hurt me deeply, though he likes to speak of him. I love to speak of Tommy, too. I don't want to make Skip sad... so, I am talking to you. Thank-you for listening to me. I am here also, if you want to talk to me.
Granny Gee :)))
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
I was walking in the park, everywhere was interesting. Colors, signs pointing the way to this interesting exhibit, that exhibit. I wanted to see everything! I loved this park, the paths, the many beautiful trees, and wooden walkways that went in all directions!
I saw an open door and walked inside. I saw several people sitting in the room I had walked into ... several were in wheelchairs. I wondered what this was. I looked on the walls to see if there were signs indicating that I should sit down on one of the couches there to 'wait for something... maybe a special demostration, or a show. No one spoke to me, and I didn't see a sign.
I began walking, looking at how 'homey' this building was.. and wondered what it was supposed to represent. It really looked like someone's ...home! An elderly woman came up to me and ....I spoke to her. I asked her what was this place that looked like someone's home?
It was her home! She said she lived there, I felt so confused. She had her home in the middle of the park? Yes, she told me. I began apologizing for just 'walking into' her home, I felt embarassed. I could see she was irritated with me, and I wanted to get out of her home....
My eyes spotted a dispenser of sorts... up on the wall. Colors... yes, colors caught my attention and I knew I wanted to see what they were. The dispenser had 3 different compartments... all was clear and I could see through to the red color, green color and blue color. I wanted to push the button to see what happened. I just wanted to push it alittle bit... there was nothing to catch whatever it was. I pushed the button to the red one and waited.
Red liquid of a pretty color red... began to drip ... onto the floor. It wouldn't stop! I knew the woman would be even more upset with me. There she was! I'm so sorry, I told her. She indicated that she wanted me to leave, and I walked outside... now .. I was looking for Tommy.
I was walking on the wooden walkway and came to wooden steps with a wooden rail... there stood Tommy, smiling. I asked him where had he been. He said something that I can't remember now... I saw a wound on his cheek and asked him what happened to his face. He said someone's father had stabbed him in the cheek. Tommy began laughing like it wasn't important.
He reached into his pocket and brought out alot of money in bills. In my my mind I knew these bills were called 'K's'.... yes, 'K's'. Tommy began putting bill by bill into my hands.... he was giving me alot of K's... that was alot of money! He was still smiling as I ..................... woke up.
Lately, I've been dreaming the strangest dreams... and I know they all are related to Tommy being gone. I try hard not to get down, today I was as I painted on the porch. I painted flowers, leaves, roses and cut them out for a poster I'm making for a business (birthday poster). As I sat there... I thought about my dream last night.
It makes me sad ... even on that pretty porch among my many bottles of wonderful, beautiful happy colors. I wonder 'why' I'm dreaming so much lately about Tommy?
Do you know ... it really makes me just want to cry. I know today my face reflects this inner turmoil inside... I'm not smiling much today. This is 'one of those times' it takes alot to get past what I'm experiencing.
At this very moment I hear... those special bamboo windchimes. The wind is blowing them so, they make that wonderful sound that only bamboo chimes can make. I smile... I know how proud Tommy and his wife were when they gave me gifts from Old World Market. I remember some years ago when they were walking in that special store and called me on the cellphone... they were having such a nice time shopping. The bamboo windchimes were something he knew I'd dearly love, treasure.
He's gone, the windchimes are here to make their special music to remind me of a happy time for Tommy and his wife. They had thought of me, too. It was my birthday. Each time the bamboo windchimes sounds... I think of 'then'. I 'see' in my mind the smiles when they saw how much their gifts meant to me. Thank-you, Tommy... Angie.
I don't want to upset Skip ... he worries when I'm down. He's hesitant to speak of Tommy alot of times, he's afraid it will hurt me deeply, though he likes to speak of him. I love to speak of Tommy, too. I don't want to make Skip sad... so, I am talking to you. Thank-you for listening to me. I am here also, if you want to talk to me.
Granny Gee :)))
Thursday, March 15, 2012
SUMMER DAYS... SPLASHING WATER... WARM BREEZES... BAMBOO WINDCHIMES
SUMMER DAYS... SPLASHING WATER... WARM BREEZES... BAMBOO WINDCHIMES
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates aka Granny Gee
Summer days are soon here, and I look forward. I look forward to spending time out on the porch here where we moved to. We have canvas curtains up that are tied with bows ... how pretty they are. I love watching the breeze move them in the wind.
The glass table and chairs look inviting... there is also, a 'tall' table with stools that swivel around if I want to sit up high. On the other end of the porch there is a built-in bench to sit back on. So many nice places to enjoy sitting... drawing... thinking... painting... be on the computer... with our Pups lying close to my feet.
We will put a swimming pool (on top of the ground) close to the porch later this summer. I look forward to hearing and seeing the splash of crystal, clear water. Water kissed and warmed by the sunshine to ease the constant pain in my body from long ago surgeries to always remind me... of my tradeoff to live. I look forward to putting my body in that warm water, it feels 'healing'.
Pain... I welcome you, I want to live, I really love life no matter the sadness in it. I will love watching the water... for I will find a way to keep it splashing softly to listen to when I'm on the porch. I look forward, I really do.
I have in mind to have a 'garden' of sorts. I have read about hay bale gardens... growing vegetable and flower plants in potting soil placed in holes in each hay bale. This would be the kind of garden I could handle, enjoy watering. It would require very little work in this hot North Carolina heat.
I look forward to picking the first tomato, cucumber, or sweet bell pepper this summer. If you have any suggestions on how to make a garden or to take care of this one... I welcome them as this will be the first time for me. I have thought and thought of 'how to have a small garden' without alot of fuss.
The hale bales will be placed outside the fence in a pretty way. We like all to look nice around us. I wonder if the deer will eat the plants? There are lots of beautiful deer in this area. They aren't afraid when they walk around here. Our Pups will bark occasionally at them, I don't worry because they are in their own fenced-in yard.
This morning I stood on the step outside, I listened to the frogs sing their song... I know they are happy ... they know summer is 'here'. The temperatures are in the 80's right now! I sang a little song, too......... don't worry ...I didn't sing it 'loud'... I don't think the frogs heard me at all. I know better than anyone that I really don't have a singing voice.... that's okay, it seems our Pups like it, at least. :))))
Remember how I was asked as a child to 'just move my mouth' when I was in the church choir? Seems like they would have loved to hear a child's pure, joyous voice singing... no, my singing voice wasn't appreciated at all. They did love seeing 'my mouth just move'... I helped to make the choir bigger, there was one extra smile in it... mine. My feelings weren't hurt, I was happy to do something so 'special'.
Yes, this morning my thoughts are on spending outside time on that pretty porch... on warm days with the breeze blowing the curtains, splashing water, hearing the bamboo windchimes, drinking iced tea.... while painting, drawing, or just sitting there to watch the beautiful sky. You know how I love to watch the clouds move and shift shapes... it inspires my imagination as I 'see' what they become each time they change.
Skip and I are also, going to have beautiful plants on the porch, a special tree in a pot. He will put up special lights in the ceiling to cast a happy glow in the late evenings.
The breeze is blowing gently, yes... I can 'see' it now in my mind... I can hear those special bamboo chimes... I close my eyes ... I hear the water splashing..........................
:)))
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates aka Granny Gee
Summer days are soon here, and I look forward. I look forward to spending time out on the porch here where we moved to. We have canvas curtains up that are tied with bows ... how pretty they are. I love watching the breeze move them in the wind.
The glass table and chairs look inviting... there is also, a 'tall' table with stools that swivel around if I want to sit up high. On the other end of the porch there is a built-in bench to sit back on. So many nice places to enjoy sitting... drawing... thinking... painting... be on the computer... with our Pups lying close to my feet.
We will put a swimming pool (on top of the ground) close to the porch later this summer. I look forward to hearing and seeing the splash of crystal, clear water. Water kissed and warmed by the sunshine to ease the constant pain in my body from long ago surgeries to always remind me... of my tradeoff to live. I look forward to putting my body in that warm water, it feels 'healing'.
Pain... I welcome you, I want to live, I really love life no matter the sadness in it. I will love watching the water... for I will find a way to keep it splashing softly to listen to when I'm on the porch. I look forward, I really do.
I have in mind to have a 'garden' of sorts. I have read about hay bale gardens... growing vegetable and flower plants in potting soil placed in holes in each hay bale. This would be the kind of garden I could handle, enjoy watering. It would require very little work in this hot North Carolina heat.
I look forward to picking the first tomato, cucumber, or sweet bell pepper this summer. If you have any suggestions on how to make a garden or to take care of this one... I welcome them as this will be the first time for me. I have thought and thought of 'how to have a small garden' without alot of fuss.
The hale bales will be placed outside the fence in a pretty way. We like all to look nice around us. I wonder if the deer will eat the plants? There are lots of beautiful deer in this area. They aren't afraid when they walk around here. Our Pups will bark occasionally at them, I don't worry because they are in their own fenced-in yard.
This morning I stood on the step outside, I listened to the frogs sing their song... I know they are happy ... they know summer is 'here'. The temperatures are in the 80's right now! I sang a little song, too......... don't worry ...I didn't sing it 'loud'... I don't think the frogs heard me at all. I know better than anyone that I really don't have a singing voice.... that's okay, it seems our Pups like it, at least. :))))
Remember how I was asked as a child to 'just move my mouth' when I was in the church choir? Seems like they would have loved to hear a child's pure, joyous voice singing... no, my singing voice wasn't appreciated at all. They did love seeing 'my mouth just move'... I helped to make the choir bigger, there was one extra smile in it... mine. My feelings weren't hurt, I was happy to do something so 'special'.
Yes, this morning my thoughts are on spending outside time on that pretty porch... on warm days with the breeze blowing the curtains, splashing water, hearing the bamboo windchimes, drinking iced tea.... while painting, drawing, or just sitting there to watch the beautiful sky. You know how I love to watch the clouds move and shift shapes... it inspires my imagination as I 'see' what they become each time they change.
Skip and I are also, going to have beautiful plants on the porch, a special tree in a pot. He will put up special lights in the ceiling to cast a happy glow in the late evenings.
The breeze is blowing gently, yes... I can 'see' it now in my mind... I can hear those special bamboo chimes... I close my eyes ... I hear the water splashing..........................
:)))
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
DREAMS... DARK WORLD... ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
DREAMS... DARK WORLD... ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
I was swimming down deep into the cave, someone was close by me, I couldn't see who. It seemed we were looking for bodies, hoping not to find one. We didn't.
We rose back up into the water to another cave opening ... we entered, searching. We never found a dead body.
I don't swim, I don't know where these caves are... unless, it's a subconscious thing. I was dreaming... it didn't seem a 'bad' dream. I wonder what it means? I do realize dreams have meaning... in this particular instance, I can't imagine what.
Tommy used to deep-sea dive, his wife learned to dive as well. I'm sure Taban would have learned to dive if Tommy lived. He wanted his son to learn and be aware of all the wonderful things he could accomplish in his life. Tommy wanted to groom his son to be 'somebody' who could take care of himself, have everything he desired. I hope and pray Taban's mother will do these things.
I wonder if my dream had something to do with Tommy? I know my story this morning was about 'touching that pain deep down into my soul'.... I wonder if I was in 'my mind' searching, looking for something? I wonder.............................................................
When I dream I normally see colors, happy colors. My dream last night was in dark colors, no happy colors at all. This was a black and white dream... something I don't recall dreaming in. Yes, I do wonder.... if 'I visited deep down into my soul'.... is it possible? I wish I knew more about these things. I only know alittle about 'alot'...
I know while I was 'swimming' and searching.... I was very careful 'where' I 'let my eyes look'. Does that make sense? Maybe I was afraid I would be hurt, afraid, maybe.... drown again... in my own grief?
Whatever it all was... I made it back to where my world is again colored with the colors of 'everyday'. I'm so thankful to be out of that dream. I think I was getting afraid... because in the back of my mind ... I 'knew that I didn't know how to swim'.... I 'could drown'.
I must 'do know how to swim alittle'... I swam enough to grab each lifesaver, each lifeline thrown to me... even as my hands slipped off them... I would reach for another. I didn't give up, though for a time I 'just wanted to stay'... I had no thoughts at that time... it was too dark to 'see'... I no longer felt .... anything.
'Baby Girl, Monst'.... I could hear Skip and recognize his voice calling to me. I could hear but, I couldn't see. His kind voice so full of caring, love, concern would call to me, I would feel his hand shake me gently to see if I was okay, still breathing.
If my eyes opened and I could see at that moment... I would see his eyes .... afraid for me. I couldn't do anything more... I was in the dark world where I stayed for some time. I didn't think, I couldn't afford to. The medicine kept me in a dark cocoon where I wasn't warm, cold.... where 'I wasn't anything'. I was...................
The only nicknames I've ever had were 'Doodles' because of constantly doodling, drawing. The two most special nicknames Skip calls me are..... 'Baby Girl' and 'Monst' (short for... monster).
These are the two names I would hear in that darkness.... 'Baby Girl, are you alright? Monst, are you alright?'
The dream I had last night brought these thoughts to mind as I've thought about them all morning. I have no idea what my dream meant.... I would be interested in what anyone else thinks.
I'm glad Skip kept calling to me, I'm glad I'm this far in time. I'm far enough from that black, dark sea of grief where I had to grasp at lifesavers to stay afloat.... I will be alright now... even if there are times 'it seems I'm not'. Life is like that... everything's going to be alright. It always is... when enough time passes by where one 'knows it can be now'. There will always be moments...........................................................................................................
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
I was swimming down deep into the cave, someone was close by me, I couldn't see who. It seemed we were looking for bodies, hoping not to find one. We didn't.
We rose back up into the water to another cave opening ... we entered, searching. We never found a dead body.
I don't swim, I don't know where these caves are... unless, it's a subconscious thing. I was dreaming... it didn't seem a 'bad' dream. I wonder what it means? I do realize dreams have meaning... in this particular instance, I can't imagine what.
Tommy used to deep-sea dive, his wife learned to dive as well. I'm sure Taban would have learned to dive if Tommy lived. He wanted his son to learn and be aware of all the wonderful things he could accomplish in his life. Tommy wanted to groom his son to be 'somebody' who could take care of himself, have everything he desired. I hope and pray Taban's mother will do these things.
I wonder if my dream had something to do with Tommy? I know my story this morning was about 'touching that pain deep down into my soul'.... I wonder if I was in 'my mind' searching, looking for something? I wonder.............................................................
When I dream I normally see colors, happy colors. My dream last night was in dark colors, no happy colors at all. This was a black and white dream... something I don't recall dreaming in. Yes, I do wonder.... if 'I visited deep down into my soul'.... is it possible? I wish I knew more about these things. I only know alittle about 'alot'...
I know while I was 'swimming' and searching.... I was very careful 'where' I 'let my eyes look'. Does that make sense? Maybe I was afraid I would be hurt, afraid, maybe.... drown again... in my own grief?
Whatever it all was... I made it back to where my world is again colored with the colors of 'everyday'. I'm so thankful to be out of that dream. I think I was getting afraid... because in the back of my mind ... I 'knew that I didn't know how to swim'.... I 'could drown'.
I must 'do know how to swim alittle'... I swam enough to grab each lifesaver, each lifeline thrown to me... even as my hands slipped off them... I would reach for another. I didn't give up, though for a time I 'just wanted to stay'... I had no thoughts at that time... it was too dark to 'see'... I no longer felt .... anything.
'Baby Girl, Monst'.... I could hear Skip and recognize his voice calling to me. I could hear but, I couldn't see. His kind voice so full of caring, love, concern would call to me, I would feel his hand shake me gently to see if I was okay, still breathing.
If my eyes opened and I could see at that moment... I would see his eyes .... afraid for me. I couldn't do anything more... I was in the dark world where I stayed for some time. I didn't think, I couldn't afford to. The medicine kept me in a dark cocoon where I wasn't warm, cold.... where 'I wasn't anything'. I was...................
The only nicknames I've ever had were 'Doodles' because of constantly doodling, drawing. The two most special nicknames Skip calls me are..... 'Baby Girl' and 'Monst' (short for... monster).
These are the two names I would hear in that darkness.... 'Baby Girl, are you alright? Monst, are you alright?'
The dream I had last night brought these thoughts to mind as I've thought about them all morning. I have no idea what my dream meant.... I would be interested in what anyone else thinks.
I'm glad Skip kept calling to me, I'm glad I'm this far in time. I'm far enough from that black, dark sea of grief where I had to grasp at lifesavers to stay afloat.... I will be alright now... even if there are times 'it seems I'm not'. Life is like that... everything's going to be alright. It always is... when enough time passes by where one 'knows it can be now'. There will always be moments...........................................................................................................
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
THIS PAIN WENT DEEPER... TO MY SOUL
THIS PAIN WENT DEEPER... TO MY SOUL
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
I sat there and looked down at the DVD plastic case. I opened it, there was nothing inside excepting the DVD cover for the DVD that used to be in it. On the outside of that DVD plastic case, there were 2 objects with USB cords attached to it... I'm sure because that was the easiest way to mount something, to keep them from becoming lost.
One object had the words 'Co-Pilot' on it, the other had 'Microsoft' on it. It you are a truck-driver... you would recognize immediately what these 2 objects are... 'if' you have ever used them.
I plugged the USB cords into the ports on Tommy's laptop computer. Skip has Tommy's laptop computer, it was given to him by Tommy's wife. We treasure it.
What I was trying to accomplish was to make the Co-Pilot GPS work. Tommy had it on constantly as he drove across the country, into Canada.. on his tractor-trailer. I wanted to see it work... I used to hear it talk to him when he'd call me... I could hear it in the background on his truck. It would be telling which direction, which street to turn onto.
Tommy loved all the 'toys' to enhance his trucking experience. So, did I! I love toys, I love tools, I love 'everything'! Tommy used to get me some of the same toys he had, because he knew I was going to love his latest gadget.
If he bought a Leatherman knife, mama also, got a Leatherman. I have some of my 'real' tools... (that's what I'd always call them... Tommy would smile)... that he got for me ... the others were destroyed in the house fire. Tommy would get Skip special things, too.
Yesterday, I carefully unwound the USB cords, there were 2 of them connected to the GPS, and Microsoft objects. I connected them to Tommy's computer. I turned the computer on, clicked on the Co-Pilot icon. I read some of the manual, and tried to make it come on... without success.
I gave up, and slowly began to wound the USB cords up as the realization dawned on me.....the last person's hands on those cords.......... were my son's as he wound those cords up neatly. I just sat there.... very quietly 'feeling' pain........ this time the pain went much deeper as I held tightly those 2 little cords... I felt it in my very soul. I felt the 'real grief' that I've been hiding from you, from everyone, from myself.
This pain is the 'real' pain that I don't show to anyone... only Skip will see it at... times. The pain you see is the ....'I'm okay' pain.... one that I can smile that's happy and full of sunshine, and be alright with... while the 'other real' pain stays pushed down so deeply ... the pain in my very soul. This pain really hurts bad, it does something to me such as it did yesterday holding those cords in my hand, knowing my son's hands had been the last ones on them.
This pain made me become very quiet, forgetting the happy, bright smile, this pain really hurt me ... this is the pain I have to be careful with. I couldn't let this stay close to the surface or ... it could destroy me. This is the 'real' pain. This is the pain I 'forget' I have... and think I'm alright. We have to do this to ourselves in order to live, to function, to be whole again.
For that moment though.... I was reminded of what is down so deeply 'inside' me. It really hurts so... much. It took until last night for me to really feel good again. I could have laid down with it, and let it make me sick but, I chose not to. I would be going backwards when all I want to do is to go... forwards. I can't be any good to myself, others going backwards... none at all.
I just wanted to tell you about 'this pain' that hurt deeply ... to my soul. It's still there... it's been quite some time since I've 'felt that'. I've felt the pain I've told you about... but, I had forgotten 'this real pain'... no one sees, I don't let myself see, or dwell on.
Now, that I've told you about it, I can put it up... I am smiling a happy, bright smile now... it's sincere. I'm alright again. I'm glad I have you all to talk to. :))) Granny Gee
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
I sat there and looked down at the DVD plastic case. I opened it, there was nothing inside excepting the DVD cover for the DVD that used to be in it. On the outside of that DVD plastic case, there were 2 objects with USB cords attached to it... I'm sure because that was the easiest way to mount something, to keep them from becoming lost.
One object had the words 'Co-Pilot' on it, the other had 'Microsoft' on it. It you are a truck-driver... you would recognize immediately what these 2 objects are... 'if' you have ever used them.
I plugged the USB cords into the ports on Tommy's laptop computer. Skip has Tommy's laptop computer, it was given to him by Tommy's wife. We treasure it.
What I was trying to accomplish was to make the Co-Pilot GPS work. Tommy had it on constantly as he drove across the country, into Canada.. on his tractor-trailer. I wanted to see it work... I used to hear it talk to him when he'd call me... I could hear it in the background on his truck. It would be telling which direction, which street to turn onto.
Tommy loved all the 'toys' to enhance his trucking experience. So, did I! I love toys, I love tools, I love 'everything'! Tommy used to get me some of the same toys he had, because he knew I was going to love his latest gadget.
If he bought a Leatherman knife, mama also, got a Leatherman. I have some of my 'real' tools... (that's what I'd always call them... Tommy would smile)... that he got for me ... the others were destroyed in the house fire. Tommy would get Skip special things, too.
Yesterday, I carefully unwound the USB cords, there were 2 of them connected to the GPS, and Microsoft objects. I connected them to Tommy's computer. I turned the computer on, clicked on the Co-Pilot icon. I read some of the manual, and tried to make it come on... without success.
I gave up, and slowly began to wound the USB cords up as the realization dawned on me.....the last person's hands on those cords.......... were my son's as he wound those cords up neatly. I just sat there.... very quietly 'feeling' pain........ this time the pain went much deeper as I held tightly those 2 little cords... I felt it in my very soul. I felt the 'real grief' that I've been hiding from you, from everyone, from myself.
This pain is the 'real' pain that I don't show to anyone... only Skip will see it at... times. The pain you see is the ....'I'm okay' pain.... one that I can smile that's happy and full of sunshine, and be alright with... while the 'other real' pain stays pushed down so deeply ... the pain in my very soul. This pain really hurts bad, it does something to me such as it did yesterday holding those cords in my hand, knowing my son's hands had been the last ones on them.
This pain made me become very quiet, forgetting the happy, bright smile, this pain really hurt me ... this is the pain I have to be careful with. I couldn't let this stay close to the surface or ... it could destroy me. This is the 'real' pain. This is the pain I 'forget' I have... and think I'm alright. We have to do this to ourselves in order to live, to function, to be whole again.
For that moment though.... I was reminded of what is down so deeply 'inside' me. It really hurts so... much. It took until last night for me to really feel good again. I could have laid down with it, and let it make me sick but, I chose not to. I would be going backwards when all I want to do is to go... forwards. I can't be any good to myself, others going backwards... none at all.
I just wanted to tell you about 'this pain' that hurt deeply ... to my soul. It's still there... it's been quite some time since I've 'felt that'. I've felt the pain I've told you about... but, I had forgotten 'this real pain'... no one sees, I don't let myself see, or dwell on.
Now, that I've told you about it, I can put it up... I am smiling a happy, bright smile now... it's sincere. I'm alright again. I'm glad I have you all to talk to. :))) Granny Gee
Monday, March 12, 2012
DOES MONEY BUY HAPPINESS?
DOES MONEY BUY HAPPINESS?
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
I have been thinking of things that make me happy, all of us happy. One of them is money.... money does make a difference in one's life. Lately I've heard so many people talking about wishing they just had money enough to afford gas to go to work, and do the necessary things they need to do. It's becoming harder for them as the price of gas rises.
I know that money feels good to have ... it buys things we need, desire. It gives us security, who doesn't want that? I've heard that money can't buy everything... money doesn't buy happiness... you can't buy love with money.
I would like to say that I think money can buy alot of things that people need, desire... it can contribute to happiness and mean the world to people who don't have anything. It makes life easier and less painful when we have money.... and better when we also, use it to help others.
I've listened to people all my life say that 'money can't buy happiness'... but, it really can. It can afford things for people who don't have anything and not only will it bring happiness and gratitude... it makes the whole difference in their lives. It makes us happy that we can pay our bills, if we have some saved... it makes us happy because we feel alittle more secure.
Having said these things.... I'm sure there are still people who would think money can't possibly buy happiness. I would be interested in what others think. Would money buy you happiness.... somehow, in some way?
It seems like we don't have the money we once had, it seems money doesn't go as far as it once did. It seems like the time has come that we all face after long periods of time.... time to replace many things. Things that don't really cost alot... but, if all were bought at one time... it would cost alot.
Also, there are things one wants, desires to make life more fun, exciting. Yes, I'm inclined to still think money does buy happiness... in a good way. I know in our life we have alot of 'little' things that we want to begin replacing, fixing.... things we would like to have, things we have done without, we'd like to have. Do you find that so in your life?
It feels good not to want for something, I haven't forgotten that feeling. I wish to have it again. I wouldn't be selfish... I would wish for a huge sum of money... I would make a difference in alot of lives, including ours.
Yes, I think money does buy happiness.... I would love to have lots and lots of money to 'buy happiness' in the .... nicest of ways and spread it all around. I wouldn't be the only one happy!
:)))
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
I have been thinking of things that make me happy, all of us happy. One of them is money.... money does make a difference in one's life. Lately I've heard so many people talking about wishing they just had money enough to afford gas to go to work, and do the necessary things they need to do. It's becoming harder for them as the price of gas rises.
I know that money feels good to have ... it buys things we need, desire. It gives us security, who doesn't want that? I've heard that money can't buy everything... money doesn't buy happiness... you can't buy love with money.
I would like to say that I think money can buy alot of things that people need, desire... it can contribute to happiness and mean the world to people who don't have anything. It makes life easier and less painful when we have money.... and better when we also, use it to help others.
I've listened to people all my life say that 'money can't buy happiness'... but, it really can. It can afford things for people who don't have anything and not only will it bring happiness and gratitude... it makes the whole difference in their lives. It makes us happy that we can pay our bills, if we have some saved... it makes us happy because we feel alittle more secure.
Having said these things.... I'm sure there are still people who would think money can't possibly buy happiness. I would be interested in what others think. Would money buy you happiness.... somehow, in some way?
It seems like we don't have the money we once had, it seems money doesn't go as far as it once did. It seems like the time has come that we all face after long periods of time.... time to replace many things. Things that don't really cost alot... but, if all were bought at one time... it would cost alot.
Also, there are things one wants, desires to make life more fun, exciting. Yes, I'm inclined to still think money does buy happiness... in a good way. I know in our life we have alot of 'little' things that we want to begin replacing, fixing.... things we would like to have, things we have done without, we'd like to have. Do you find that so in your life?
It feels good not to want for something, I haven't forgotten that feeling. I wish to have it again. I wouldn't be selfish... I would wish for a huge sum of money... I would make a difference in alot of lives, including ours.
Yes, I think money does buy happiness.... I would love to have lots and lots of money to 'buy happiness' in the .... nicest of ways and spread it all around. I wouldn't be the only one happy!
:)))
Sunday, March 11, 2012
THANK-GOD FOR MY WRITING... MY READERS, FRIENDS, FAMILY
THANK-GOD FOR MY WRITING... MY READERS, MY FRIENDS, FAMILY
by Gloria Faye Brown Bates
aka Granny Gee
Thank-God for my writing. I can come 'here' and write my heart out... I can talk to you, my readers. Don't you know how much you mean to me? You, like Skip, my Pups... are my whole world... I can talk to you. I treasure all of you. You bring me joy when I look to see if anyone would be interested in what I write about. You don't know the soft happiness I feel inside my heart when I see that all of you have been here. I am telling you, so you all can know... you wouldn't, unless I told you.
This author holds you all (my readers) in her heart as... special. I don't know if other authors stop long enough to tell their readers how much it means to have them... I am stopping long enough to tell you... now. I always will do that. Yes, it means the world to me...
I don't have to talk...... 'out loud'.... my fingers can talk for me... quietly. If I cry alittle, no one hears me... my fingers tell the story. I can talk to you... you can talk back to me. If I'm too sad at the moment, you can look away and it won't hurt my feelings. If I'm happy, you might would smile for me... I definitely would for you.
I know that if you are here, reading...listening... it's because you want to be here. You can see, hear, read... 'if you choose to'.... if you read here ...'it's real life, it is what happens when a mother loses her only child, these are that mother's thoughts, her 'real' pain. I can show it here... I'm real.
In public, I can smile and when anyone says 'how are you doing today?' I can smile brightly and say 'I'm just fine today, how are you?' I don't have to talk about 'sad' things, I don't have to affect the rest of their day because of sadness in my heart.
When I'm out in public, I'm smiling, sometimes with a twinkle in my eyes, no one knows I cry 'inside'. I've always hidden my pain, troubles with bright smiles. No one knows unless... they look 'too' closely. But... I don't stay still long enough for someone to do that.
The truth is... I am fine. I am just happy to have a 'private' place which is very 'public'... to talk about what I think, feel, see, remember and... I can do it in my own way. I don't have to bother anyone. They don't have to be near me to feel uncomfortable with witnessing pure grief. They can see how 'other people' feel to just know. It might help to explain some of 'why' so and so is like they are.
Grief affects people in different ways... I choose to be positive with mine... though I could just as well have been bitter and negative, hate everybody. Who knows .. maybe something I could say, or have experienced could even help someone. Wouldn't that be special if I could somehow touch another in a positive way? It would touch my heart in such a way, and be so meaningful. Isn't that what real life is about... caring, love, pure feelings from our hearts?
Whoever reads my stories can 'chose how they feel about it'.......... if you've never had any of the things happen to you as they have me.... you can stay at a 'safe' distance while you read, and 'see' how life can affect others.
I pray that only good things ever touches my readers' lives... that's my prayer for you. I know that I write about alot of sad things, as well as good things... everything is alright... I've made it to 'now'. I'm a good person, a 'try very hard' ...positive person... I'm not bitter or angry because these things have happened to me... I 'just know' that in life these things do and will happen... I just pray not to you. It hurts so much, I know how pains of 'every kind' feels.
You don't have to become involved as you learn the different paths one's life takes... hopefully, you won't have to walk on the ones I have in life. I know there are several paths 'everyone' will have to walk on in life one day sooner or later ... I know the pain of those paths and, I am so sorry everyone will have to know that kind of pain.... that's something we have no choice about. No matter how big, how strong we are... it hurts.
For those who never have anything like that happen to you... you are so blessed. I'm so happy for you. I have wished at times to know how it felt for life to be 'perfect'.... I have tasted for periods of times in my life how wonderful it feels to not have a worry, to have 'everything', to travel, to shop, buy anything I ever wanted... then..... life happened.
Life has a way of ...happening... to bring us back to reality, to ... remind us that life is about others, love and caring for others, not just ourselves. At least, I will speak for myself... life has taught me that in all these years. If we all stopped just for a moment to 'keep in motion' a ...helping hand in one way or other... there would always people helping each other whenever they needed it.
Maybe a smile when someone looks like they are feeling 'down', or a kind word... I know if I'm down and not aware of people noticing, it means the world if I look up to see a kind smile, maybe hear kind words.
I will tell you something very special that helped me when I was deathly sick with non-Hodgkins lymphoma (a form of cancer). I could walk slowly, my body was so weak, I was in such pain from the terrible surgery to save my life... I was taking chemotherapy with other people who were also, taking chemotherapy. I began to notice other people as I sat there in the 'chemo suite' where there are lines of recliners for patients to be comfortable in as they sat or laid back in the chairs to have all those medicines put in their bodies.
I sat in my own 'hell', as each of those patients sat in theirs. I could bearly hold my eyes open, I was so sick... but, my eyes were opened enough to see other people suffering... old people, young people, rich, poor, black, white... people of every type. I could hear them moan sometimes, or even cry out from the pain. Was this just another 'hell on earth' where people sat in an arena to fight the battle of life and death? Some people made it, some did not. I was one of the fortunate ones to have made it... I'm sad to say that many of them ...died. I cried for them.
I will tell you the special thing that made a difference. This helped me to feel better inside no matter I was so sick... I would see someone sitting in that room so fragile, so weak..... see that the nurse was getting ready to stick a needle into their hand, or into the port like I had that was surgically placed in my chest.... or to put an IV in. It all hurt so much more than I can tell you... I would push myself to get up and take my IV pole with me, and make it to their side and reach out to hold their hand... without asking.
No one ever refused my hand, they always held on to it tightly. I felt their pain, their fear.... I was 'them'... I knew what they felt. I cared with my very heart for these people whom I didn't know... I was like this years 'before' when I worked at the emergency room... I always held someone's hand without saying a word... I would walk up to a patient laying there when I sensed they needed someone to just reach out to hold their hand, or to pat them on the head smoothing their hair back (like their mothers would do if they were there). No words were needed.
Somehow doing this made my pain not as bad, though it still was. If you've never experienced taking chemotherapy treatments... remember that if a loved one is facing chemotherapy therapy... go with them if you can to hold their hand or sit quietly beside them, or talk if they talk... every person needs a support person... Skip was mine. I was Skip's when he went through chemotherapy 2 years later ... colon cancer. He was very ill, also. I was recovering while helping him... we both did it alone... we had no one to help us. Tommy was in Germany, later traveling constantly on a tractor-trailer working on the west coast.
It touched my heart when I made someone else feel better. I knew I was like them... it made me feel good when someone cared, and didn't have to. Special... when people can just show caring without being asked, showing care in ways by just ... doing it on your own. It helped me 'inside'. There's a special feeling that comes inside your heart when you reach out.... even with just a smile.
I imagine in my mind how it would be like if each person all reached out to do one kind little deed in one day.... would it make a difference in our world? I am thinking if 'every person' who was able 'in this whole world' did that.... I wonder at the end of the day 'what difference' it would make? Could we actually see a difference... feel a difference? I think it would be an amazing difference... what do you think? Wouldn't it be interesting to really know?
Do you know what I'm thinking at this moment? I'm thinking again that I'm so thankful to have all of you 'to write to'... I'm so happy to have a place to talk to everyone. How special that is to me. I get up every morning excited to come here to my computer to write my story and put it online .... I'm excited to get emails, and see comments from you. It means the world to me. I love to hear what you have to say, read what you have to write.
Yes, my writing, readers, my friends, my few family members who are here... mean the world to me. Thank-you for..... you.
:)))
by Gloria Faye Brown Bates
aka Granny Gee
Thank-God for my writing. I can come 'here' and write my heart out... I can talk to you, my readers. Don't you know how much you mean to me? You, like Skip, my Pups... are my whole world... I can talk to you. I treasure all of you. You bring me joy when I look to see if anyone would be interested in what I write about. You don't know the soft happiness I feel inside my heart when I see that all of you have been here. I am telling you, so you all can know... you wouldn't, unless I told you.
This author holds you all (my readers) in her heart as... special. I don't know if other authors stop long enough to tell their readers how much it means to have them... I am stopping long enough to tell you... now. I always will do that. Yes, it means the world to me...
I don't have to talk...... 'out loud'.... my fingers can talk for me... quietly. If I cry alittle, no one hears me... my fingers tell the story. I can talk to you... you can talk back to me. If I'm too sad at the moment, you can look away and it won't hurt my feelings. If I'm happy, you might would smile for me... I definitely would for you.
I know that if you are here, reading...listening... it's because you want to be here. You can see, hear, read... 'if you choose to'.... if you read here ...'it's real life, it is what happens when a mother loses her only child, these are that mother's thoughts, her 'real' pain. I can show it here... I'm real.
In public, I can smile and when anyone says 'how are you doing today?' I can smile brightly and say 'I'm just fine today, how are you?' I don't have to talk about 'sad' things, I don't have to affect the rest of their day because of sadness in my heart.
When I'm out in public, I'm smiling, sometimes with a twinkle in my eyes, no one knows I cry 'inside'. I've always hidden my pain, troubles with bright smiles. No one knows unless... they look 'too' closely. But... I don't stay still long enough for someone to do that.
The truth is... I am fine. I am just happy to have a 'private' place which is very 'public'... to talk about what I think, feel, see, remember and... I can do it in my own way. I don't have to bother anyone. They don't have to be near me to feel uncomfortable with witnessing pure grief. They can see how 'other people' feel to just know. It might help to explain some of 'why' so and so is like they are.
Grief affects people in different ways... I choose to be positive with mine... though I could just as well have been bitter and negative, hate everybody. Who knows .. maybe something I could say, or have experienced could even help someone. Wouldn't that be special if I could somehow touch another in a positive way? It would touch my heart in such a way, and be so meaningful. Isn't that what real life is about... caring, love, pure feelings from our hearts?
Whoever reads my stories can 'chose how they feel about it'.......... if you've never had any of the things happen to you as they have me.... you can stay at a 'safe' distance while you read, and 'see' how life can affect others.
I pray that only good things ever touches my readers' lives... that's my prayer for you. I know that I write about alot of sad things, as well as good things... everything is alright... I've made it to 'now'. I'm a good person, a 'try very hard' ...positive person... I'm not bitter or angry because these things have happened to me... I 'just know' that in life these things do and will happen... I just pray not to you. It hurts so much, I know how pains of 'every kind' feels.
You don't have to become involved as you learn the different paths one's life takes... hopefully, you won't have to walk on the ones I have in life. I know there are several paths 'everyone' will have to walk on in life one day sooner or later ... I know the pain of those paths and, I am so sorry everyone will have to know that kind of pain.... that's something we have no choice about. No matter how big, how strong we are... it hurts.
For those who never have anything like that happen to you... you are so blessed. I'm so happy for you. I have wished at times to know how it felt for life to be 'perfect'.... I have tasted for periods of times in my life how wonderful it feels to not have a worry, to have 'everything', to travel, to shop, buy anything I ever wanted... then..... life happened.
Life has a way of ...happening... to bring us back to reality, to ... remind us that life is about others, love and caring for others, not just ourselves. At least, I will speak for myself... life has taught me that in all these years. If we all stopped just for a moment to 'keep in motion' a ...helping hand in one way or other... there would always people helping each other whenever they needed it.
Maybe a smile when someone looks like they are feeling 'down', or a kind word... I know if I'm down and not aware of people noticing, it means the world if I look up to see a kind smile, maybe hear kind words.
I will tell you something very special that helped me when I was deathly sick with non-Hodgkins lymphoma (a form of cancer). I could walk slowly, my body was so weak, I was in such pain from the terrible surgery to save my life... I was taking chemotherapy with other people who were also, taking chemotherapy. I began to notice other people as I sat there in the 'chemo suite' where there are lines of recliners for patients to be comfortable in as they sat or laid back in the chairs to have all those medicines put in their bodies.
I sat in my own 'hell', as each of those patients sat in theirs. I could bearly hold my eyes open, I was so sick... but, my eyes were opened enough to see other people suffering... old people, young people, rich, poor, black, white... people of every type. I could hear them moan sometimes, or even cry out from the pain. Was this just another 'hell on earth' where people sat in an arena to fight the battle of life and death? Some people made it, some did not. I was one of the fortunate ones to have made it... I'm sad to say that many of them ...died. I cried for them.
I will tell you the special thing that made a difference. This helped me to feel better inside no matter I was so sick... I would see someone sitting in that room so fragile, so weak..... see that the nurse was getting ready to stick a needle into their hand, or into the port like I had that was surgically placed in my chest.... or to put an IV in. It all hurt so much more than I can tell you... I would push myself to get up and take my IV pole with me, and make it to their side and reach out to hold their hand... without asking.
No one ever refused my hand, they always held on to it tightly. I felt their pain, their fear.... I was 'them'... I knew what they felt. I cared with my very heart for these people whom I didn't know... I was like this years 'before' when I worked at the emergency room... I always held someone's hand without saying a word... I would walk up to a patient laying there when I sensed they needed someone to just reach out to hold their hand, or to pat them on the head smoothing their hair back (like their mothers would do if they were there). No words were needed.
Somehow doing this made my pain not as bad, though it still was. If you've never experienced taking chemotherapy treatments... remember that if a loved one is facing chemotherapy therapy... go with them if you can to hold their hand or sit quietly beside them, or talk if they talk... every person needs a support person... Skip was mine. I was Skip's when he went through chemotherapy 2 years later ... colon cancer. He was very ill, also. I was recovering while helping him... we both did it alone... we had no one to help us. Tommy was in Germany, later traveling constantly on a tractor-trailer working on the west coast.
It touched my heart when I made someone else feel better. I knew I was like them... it made me feel good when someone cared, and didn't have to. Special... when people can just show caring without being asked, showing care in ways by just ... doing it on your own. It helped me 'inside'. There's a special feeling that comes inside your heart when you reach out.... even with just a smile.
I imagine in my mind how it would be like if each person all reached out to do one kind little deed in one day.... would it make a difference in our world? I am thinking if 'every person' who was able 'in this whole world' did that.... I wonder at the end of the day 'what difference' it would make? Could we actually see a difference... feel a difference? I think it would be an amazing difference... what do you think? Wouldn't it be interesting to really know?
Do you know what I'm thinking at this moment? I'm thinking again that I'm so thankful to have all of you 'to write to'... I'm so happy to have a place to talk to everyone. How special that is to me. I get up every morning excited to come here to my computer to write my story and put it online .... I'm excited to get emails, and see comments from you. It means the world to me. I love to hear what you have to say, read what you have to write.
Yes, my writing, readers, my friends, my few family members who are here... mean the world to me. Thank-you for..... you.
:)))
Saturday, March 10, 2012
IT'S STRANGE EVEN THOUGH... 'BOTTLED UP LOVE INSIDE'
IT'S STRANGE EVEN THOUGH... 'LOVE BOTTLED UP INSIDE'
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka Granny Gee (March 10, 2012)
I am sitting here thinking about my stories I've written for the past several days about Tommy. I know I am going through a period of time missing him and feeling inside... frustrated.
It's strange even though I know Tommy is gone... he can't come back... there's not a thing I can do to change that fact.......... I go through periods of time just like the one I'm experiencing now. It used to be that for the slightest of moments, I could almost feel him come back. Do you know how someone disappears from view when they walk into a doorway ..turn a corner? 'They could turn around and come back'. It is the only way I can describe what I just spoke of.
I think truthfully .... for me ..... I go through times where somehow I can stay numb (I wondered if we give ourselves spiritual pain shots inside?)... I can talk about Tommy, I don't cry at all. Then... such as now, I just sit here quietly at my computer, alone, crying silently 'inside' as the tears drip onto my desk, my keyboard.
Sometimes my fingertips will touch a teardrop on my keyboard, I stop to look at it. It feels cool, and in the light of my monitor... it sparkles, yes... it sparkles like a diamond. You know me by now... diamonds look like teardrops to me.... teardrops look like diamonds to me. :))) It's a 'Gloria thing'......
Frustration... I just did it again, I just observed my two hands clasping each other, my fingers holding tightly to the fingers of the other hand... my heart squeezing hard in my chest ... just wishing so much..... I sigh so hard....
I feel my foot lift slightly up and just .... 'hit' and press the floor lightly... I wish ... I really feel 'mad' and want to stomp my foot hard... but, I don't... I can't change a thing... I just 'stomp' my foot gently. It doesn't help a thing at all.
I'm really not 'mad' at all... I just wish my son was here... I see and hear other mothers talking happily about their sons of different ages... I knew my son up until age 40... I know about sons up until that age.
I do feel a happiness seeing another mother feeling and showing such pride and love for her son... I remember being like that. I was so proud of my son. I'm always seeing that golden sunshine smile of his in my mind, the one that lit his beautiful blue-green eyes up with a soft light, a caring light. His voice... oh my God... I wish to hear his soft voice again saying 'I love you, mama'.
I miss you, Tommy. I have you on my mind, I miss you, Son. My eyes hurt from crying, my nose is stuffy from crying, my heart is sore from the pain that has been soaring through it for the past several days. Tomorrow I go for an echocardiogram... my heart has been hurting.
It may be from just the love and missing my son... I can't tell, but... several times it has been severe. It may be the love in my heart that is 'bottled up' now... I don't have my child here now to shed it on. We hear so much of 'hate being bottled up'....... inside.... I think I have "love bottled up inside"... it may be what's making my chest hurt lately.
I have become aware of hearing myself 'sniffle'... yes, I am missing Tommy. I will be alright now... I just felt a calmness.
This is how this mother does... she grieves in silence so, that she doesn't upset her precious husband who worries with his heart for her, whom she loves and respects with her heart. He can't bear to see me cry... I hide my tears so, that he doesn't hurt. He has enough to worry about.
I don't know how other mothers grieve... I only know how I do. Just like when I was deathly sick... I didn't know how others got better or what to expect, I was too sick to ask.... I know that I got better in my own way... I fought hard in my 'Gloria way'. This is what is what I have done since Tommy died... I'm getting better in my 'Gloria way'. I'm glad to say I've travelled a long way to get to 'here'... I'm glad to be here 'now'.
Strangely enough... I know as a grieving mother that though I do go periods of time such as this... it's really going to be alright now. I know inside Tommy won't be coming back, I won't see him for the rest of my life. I have my own memories, I have photos, I have a few things of his... sometimes I sense him smiling. I have all these things, I keep his memory alive through writing.
I think he would be so proud and happy that his mama doesn't forget him, nor does she just sit.... and suffer in silence while growing old, bitter and angry at the world. His mother writes her love for him so, it can flow through the air and maybe even reach to him, as it goes out to her readers.
This mother remembers her son in her 'Gloria way'... in a good way. I want to grow older in a graceful way, full of beauty inside. I don't have the beauty I once had on the outside... somehow... it's all gone to the inside. I remember Grandma Alma saying what was important in life was 'beauty on the inside'.... I think this is how her saying went.... 'beauty is as beauty does'.
Oh...she said something else about 'beauty is skin-deep and ugly is to the bone'. Have you ever seen some of the most 'not prettiest people' ...reflect the most beauty from inside? They become beautiful in front of your eyes as they begin to speak, to show their actions. Have you seen 'beautiful people' who when they begin to speak, to show their actions become... some of the ugliest, meanest people in the world... no longer does one ever notice the beauty again, once the 'ugly' shows itself. I felt like is exactly what she meant.
I'm older, and my exterior beauty is slowly fading as the years go by, slowly finding its way to the 'inside of me'. Once I begin to speak or show my actions... I hope to reflect that beauty. I have a long ways to go... I'm not perfect, and I still can get mad, not be the nicest all the time... I try so hard. I will always try to be the best I can... sometimes it is the hardest thing to do. Do you agree?
Tommy's death took a heavy toll on his 'ole mom', and one can see those changes when they see 'me'. I now see those changes in my mirror... for a long time I've been embarassed for others to see me because 'I look like I've been through hell'..... now, I don't care. They don't know 'why' I have changed so drastically.... they don't know the world I have finally ... come out of.
I'm so thankful to be back out in the sunlight that warms my heart, the soft breezes that caress my skin, hear the sounds of life once again. Where I went and almost couldn't 'get back'...... was dark, cold, unforgiving. I knew no warmth, I felt no breeze, nor was I aware of life going on around me.
Somehow that wonderful sunlight reached down into my soul, made my path begin to appear so, I could slowly make my way back.... no, it wasn't easy.... it's taken almost 2 years to be able to function like a normal person again. I still have my moments, but now... I'm aware of them and I can consciously help myself.... no matter what... I keep fighting in my 'Gloria way'.
It's strange even though I carry such sadness inside.......... I can now be happy at the same time. I can laugh, talk and want to be around people. Everything ......... really is going to be .... alright. I have 'love bottled up inside'...... I will let it flow freely from each smile I smile, hopefully into any words that come out of my mouth (though I'm not perfect, I may say a choice word sometimes). I will just have to do it all in my 'Gloria way'... I think that'll work. :)))
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka Granny Gee (March 10, 2012)
I am sitting here thinking about my stories I've written for the past several days about Tommy. I know I am going through a period of time missing him and feeling inside... frustrated.
It's strange even though I know Tommy is gone... he can't come back... there's not a thing I can do to change that fact.......... I go through periods of time just like the one I'm experiencing now. It used to be that for the slightest of moments, I could almost feel him come back. Do you know how someone disappears from view when they walk into a doorway ..turn a corner? 'They could turn around and come back'. It is the only way I can describe what I just spoke of.
I think truthfully .... for me ..... I go through times where somehow I can stay numb (I wondered if we give ourselves spiritual pain shots inside?)... I can talk about Tommy, I don't cry at all. Then... such as now, I just sit here quietly at my computer, alone, crying silently 'inside' as the tears drip onto my desk, my keyboard.
Sometimes my fingertips will touch a teardrop on my keyboard, I stop to look at it. It feels cool, and in the light of my monitor... it sparkles, yes... it sparkles like a diamond. You know me by now... diamonds look like teardrops to me.... teardrops look like diamonds to me. :))) It's a 'Gloria thing'......
Frustration... I just did it again, I just observed my two hands clasping each other, my fingers holding tightly to the fingers of the other hand... my heart squeezing hard in my chest ... just wishing so much..... I sigh so hard....
I feel my foot lift slightly up and just .... 'hit' and press the floor lightly... I wish ... I really feel 'mad' and want to stomp my foot hard... but, I don't... I can't change a thing... I just 'stomp' my foot gently. It doesn't help a thing at all.
I'm really not 'mad' at all... I just wish my son was here... I see and hear other mothers talking happily about their sons of different ages... I knew my son up until age 40... I know about sons up until that age.
I do feel a happiness seeing another mother feeling and showing such pride and love for her son... I remember being like that. I was so proud of my son. I'm always seeing that golden sunshine smile of his in my mind, the one that lit his beautiful blue-green eyes up with a soft light, a caring light. His voice... oh my God... I wish to hear his soft voice again saying 'I love you, mama'.
I miss you, Tommy. I have you on my mind, I miss you, Son. My eyes hurt from crying, my nose is stuffy from crying, my heart is sore from the pain that has been soaring through it for the past several days. Tomorrow I go for an echocardiogram... my heart has been hurting.
It may be from just the love and missing my son... I can't tell, but... several times it has been severe. It may be the love in my heart that is 'bottled up' now... I don't have my child here now to shed it on. We hear so much of 'hate being bottled up'....... inside.... I think I have "love bottled up inside"... it may be what's making my chest hurt lately.
I have become aware of hearing myself 'sniffle'... yes, I am missing Tommy. I will be alright now... I just felt a calmness.
This is how this mother does... she grieves in silence so, that she doesn't upset her precious husband who worries with his heart for her, whom she loves and respects with her heart. He can't bear to see me cry... I hide my tears so, that he doesn't hurt. He has enough to worry about.
I don't know how other mothers grieve... I only know how I do. Just like when I was deathly sick... I didn't know how others got better or what to expect, I was too sick to ask.... I know that I got better in my own way... I fought hard in my 'Gloria way'. This is what is what I have done since Tommy died... I'm getting better in my 'Gloria way'. I'm glad to say I've travelled a long way to get to 'here'... I'm glad to be here 'now'.
Strangely enough... I know as a grieving mother that though I do go periods of time such as this... it's really going to be alright now. I know inside Tommy won't be coming back, I won't see him for the rest of my life. I have my own memories, I have photos, I have a few things of his... sometimes I sense him smiling. I have all these things, I keep his memory alive through writing.
I think he would be so proud and happy that his mama doesn't forget him, nor does she just sit.... and suffer in silence while growing old, bitter and angry at the world. His mother writes her love for him so, it can flow through the air and maybe even reach to him, as it goes out to her readers.
This mother remembers her son in her 'Gloria way'... in a good way. I want to grow older in a graceful way, full of beauty inside. I don't have the beauty I once had on the outside... somehow... it's all gone to the inside. I remember Grandma Alma saying what was important in life was 'beauty on the inside'.... I think this is how her saying went.... 'beauty is as beauty does'.
Oh...she said something else about 'beauty is skin-deep and ugly is to the bone'. Have you ever seen some of the most 'not prettiest people' ...reflect the most beauty from inside? They become beautiful in front of your eyes as they begin to speak, to show their actions. Have you seen 'beautiful people' who when they begin to speak, to show their actions become... some of the ugliest, meanest people in the world... no longer does one ever notice the beauty again, once the 'ugly' shows itself. I felt like is exactly what she meant.
I'm older, and my exterior beauty is slowly fading as the years go by, slowly finding its way to the 'inside of me'. Once I begin to speak or show my actions... I hope to reflect that beauty. I have a long ways to go... I'm not perfect, and I still can get mad, not be the nicest all the time... I try so hard. I will always try to be the best I can... sometimes it is the hardest thing to do. Do you agree?
Tommy's death took a heavy toll on his 'ole mom', and one can see those changes when they see 'me'. I now see those changes in my mirror... for a long time I've been embarassed for others to see me because 'I look like I've been through hell'..... now, I don't care. They don't know 'why' I have changed so drastically.... they don't know the world I have finally ... come out of.
I'm so thankful to be back out in the sunlight that warms my heart, the soft breezes that caress my skin, hear the sounds of life once again. Where I went and almost couldn't 'get back'...... was dark, cold, unforgiving. I knew no warmth, I felt no breeze, nor was I aware of life going on around me.
Somehow that wonderful sunlight reached down into my soul, made my path begin to appear so, I could slowly make my way back.... no, it wasn't easy.... it's taken almost 2 years to be able to function like a normal person again. I still have my moments, but now... I'm aware of them and I can consciously help myself.... no matter what... I keep fighting in my 'Gloria way'.
It's strange even though I carry such sadness inside.......... I can now be happy at the same time. I can laugh, talk and want to be around people. Everything ......... really is going to be .... alright. I have 'love bottled up inside'...... I will let it flow freely from each smile I smile, hopefully into any words that come out of my mouth (though I'm not perfect, I may say a choice word sometimes). I will just have to do it all in my 'Gloria way'... I think that'll work. :)))
Friday, March 9, 2012
GRANNY GEE'S EXERCISE BOX...
GRANNY GEE'S EXERCISE BOX...
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES
I've been thinking about something, and I've even talked about it to my friends I see every day. They all laugh and love my idea... but, 'if it were reality'.......... I'm sure 'everyone' would love it!
Do you know know how hard it is to make yourself exercise? Especially when you have to for your health. There are days it really is hard to make yourself move, I know the constant pain in my body tries to keep me from moving to know 'more' pain. I push over it, it's like that song 'It Hurts So Bad'........................ :)))
My idea ... I've had it for a long time... if it were to be brought into reality would be wonderful. Let me tell you all about it! Who knows ...maybe someone will read this and think... 'I will make this!' They could call it 'Granny Gee's Exercise Box'! :)))
I was thinking one could build a big, square box with three sides (the fourth side would be the big door with hinges to open and close it to hide it from view if one wanted to).
Anyway, on the inside and top of that big box... one could make it like they do with the puppet stages... only this would be an adult-size box with an adult-size stage. At the top would be where the controls are that could be controlled by a button... or by another human!
The idea is for one to go up on that special stage... even if you had to get up on it on a special lift! The ropes or soft cables would be hanging down with their little soft cuffs that would fasten around one's wrists, ankles, waist. As long as there isn't a rope to go around one's neck.... this should work just fine!
After being 'fastened in'... one could just simply press a button or yell 'hit it Jack!' The ropes would immediately go into action on soft, low, medium, high, and 'not too high'.
Picture this: you see this person up on the stage and he just stands there smiling.... the rest is up to the automatic control! The ropes begin to maneuver their body into exercise positions! This way, that way, down there, up here... and around!
The lights are on, the music of your choice is playing... oh my, how we could exercise our body on low, gentle, medium... and for those who like punishment... high. The ropes/cables would put us through our range of motion exercises and of course... it'd help if we put through 'just alittle effort'... at least!
What more could one ask for in the exercise world? I got up early to write this... Skip got up soon-after. I told him my idea and this is what he said 'you have gone insane, totally insane!'
:)))
I believe it would work, especially for ..... for 'us grandmas'.
They did send a man to the moon!
They invented an airplane!
They 'could' invent a 'Granny Gee's Exercise Box'!
What do you think?
:)))
I mean.... really, what do you 'really' think? I've been rethinking my 'puppet on a string' exercise idea! Hit it Jack!
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