IT'S JUST...'TOMMY SPACE'... DARE I LOOK INSIDE?
I'm afraid, but... I may do it. Only time will tell if I can go to the bottom, beginning at the top. I can't remember.... I can't remember. I ask myself 'dare I look inside'? Do I have the nerve to even open it? My stomach hurts bad, there are those familiar tears again. But... I want to do it... 'why' can't I?
Panicky feelings... my breath feels like I'm holding it... did I just feel pain in my stomach... oh, I am going to cry again... all I seem to do is... cry.
What is in there? All I see is darkness in my mind when I try to visualize ... what is in there. My head wants to hurt, I want to cry, my heart hurts. I so want to see, to feel... maybe smell something that reminds me of you, Son. I'm missing you so badly. I still see you in my mind... it's like just yesterday I saw you.
My throat hurts with a strange pain... is it from trying to hold a cry inside? I have to wipe my face again.... it's wet. My nose is stuffy again... I hate for it to be stuffy... is that a pain in my heart? I know that pain... it's love that hurts... it really hurts so bad.
I don't know what's in that contained space of your chest... that space that is approximately two feet wide, one foot tall... one foot deep... Tommy Space.... that's what I think of as... Tommy Space. That's all I have left of my son ... just a little bit of Tommy space...... just a few little things that were his. Just an elegant, upholstered/wooden burgundy chest that is 'Tommy Space'... a small space here on earth that holds the only things that I, his mother has left of him.
What is so sad... is that his mother wants to look... and a pain that is so real threatens to strike her down... if she walks to that chest to try to open it. His mother... I.... want to hold my child's things in my hands... I can't . I can't even open that chest... I might go into that dark world again... Skip's not here at the moment to help me... come back.
I long to see inside that chest... into Tommy Space. I keep thinking I could just walk to my artroom, pick it up by its handles... bring it into the living room, sit it down..... simply just open the lid... simply begin taking things out one by one........... just simply.................. I can't! I can't do it!
I am .. just simply.. sitting here crying, feeling pain in my heart thinking about it... what would happen... if I continued on... to do as I wish? I don't think I'm strong enough... yet. I thought I was so strong... it's just a simple action. Just go pick it up and bring it in here, open it and begin .... just simply taking things out. Touch them, see them, hold them to your face .... try to see, feel, smell ... try to 'find' Tommy.
It's just ... Tommy Space... I don't dare to look inside ... just yet.
Colors As I Go
grief (9) Scary (2) only child (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)