I HAVE NO THOUGHTS NOW.. I'M IN THE DARKNESS

I HAVE NO THOUGHTS NOW... I'M IN THE DARKNESS

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

I heard someone say to me that they needed to get bone marrow. I was in another world... one where no matter how hard I tried to see, my eyes wouldn't open. When I spoke, I don't think anyone heard me... when I cried, I heard someone comfort me... so, they heard my cry.

Oh my God, the pain... I could feel such immense pressure on my hip, the terrible pain going through my body. All the while I heard a woman's voice saying 'I'm so sorry this hurts you, I'm so sorry'... I felt hands holding me down. They were 'good' hands, kind and caring hands.

I heard the nurse talking to Skip... I could hear them, no matter how I tried to see them... I couldn't. When I did see someone, it was from the other side of a fog... a medicated fog in my head, in front of my eyes.

Please help me, I don't know what's going on. I'm in another world... but, I'm here. I could hear someone crying... is it me? Is it me crying... why? The pain.... is there something else... my mind can't comprehend what's happening to my body. Please help me, hold my hand... I'm so afraid.

I felt my hand being held, I felt fingers rubbing my fingers, patting my hand. I tried to hold on, not drift off in the total darkness again. I could feel, and sense light just outside of my eyelids. I couldn't open my eyes to see... I want to see around me.

I cried inside, something bad has happened to me, but... what? I hear someone crying, oh ... how sad, they sound as if they are crying their very heart out. What is wrong, I wonder? I would comfort them, if I could... I never heard anyone cry like that. It breaks my heart... I think I begin to cry along.... with myself 'who is already crying'.

I open my eyes... there's a fog in front of them. It shimmers, I can't see clearly no matter how I try to blink it away. I move my head, I feel dizzy though I'm laying down.

My arm hurts, I try to see what's wrong. Through the medicated fog I can make out an IV in my hand, tubes. It really hurts.... I become aware of another pain... I try to follow a much bigger tube... it leads into my side. Rick-Rick, I have a chest tube like you did that time..... it hurts so bad.

The terrible pain rolls up into my chest, someone help me, I'm dying. A nurse comes in, I saw concern in her face. She walks to me and takes my hand, places it on something I can't see. When you hurt, press this... she said. Don't let the pain get to a point that it's so hard to control.....

I waited and waited.... I can't press that to ease that horrible pain unlike anything I've ever felt in my life. I don't want to get addicted to drugs. I'm afraid of something that is supposed to help me... I fight to 'not' press that little button to get relief. I could become addicted....

I'm dying from the pain it feels like, oh God, help me. The nurse comes to me, she tells me to use the device I still can't see... I'm still in a darkness, I can't think straight... but, I can feel that horrific pain in my chest. I'm really not in any shape to know how to press a button... for relief. I can hear but, I can't comprehend. I forget............

Pain, darkness, medicated fog... I can't see. I hear, I don't know if I respond... I don't know anything. I've lost myself .. I'm in the world between surgery and beginning recovery.

I'm afraid, I heard them say things... her blood pressure is too low. I hear them say things, I don't understand what has happened. I can't see .....

Baby Girl... Baby Girl... I hear Skip calling softly to me... I think he is close to my ear. I try so hard to let him know I can hear him from the darkness I'm in. I must have moved my hand, he holds it tightly. Help me, Boy (my nickname for him throughout the years), I cry in my mind. I don't think he heard me.

Darkness, I sink back into darkness... I don't know anymore at this time... I'm lost, I have to find myself. I have no thoughts now... I'm in the darkness.