ONE TEAR AFTER THE OTHER.....
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE
I wonder if he felt the slightest twinge in his chest
Ignored it... thinking it was part of the past year's stress
One second, he was playing with his little child
When it happened quickly, instead of taking a long while
Tommy was gone in the blink of an eye
He didn't have time to tell Taban goodbye
He left his body there on the sand as his soul soared above
I know he looked down at his little son with... undying love
'Come home, Tommy', the sea gulls sang, it's time to go home
Look around ..your little son's not alone
angels are near by.. they are the people in that group you see
People who were meant to be there... believes Granny Gee
I am 'writing it out' until... I can write no more. Until I reach a point that I am tired ... then, I will rest my fingers, my mind.
I'm having my '15 minutes of crying time'... I was told this once by a nurse when I was in chemotherapy treatment. I'd just learned I had cancer, non-Hodgkins lymphoma, I was crying softly so as not to disturb anyone... truthfully, I was too sick to cry aloud.
15 minutes, she said. Allow yourself 15 minutes to cry... then... STOP! Wait for a while and if need be... cry only 15 minutes at a time... do this repeatedly. I'm having my '15 minutes' to cry at this time. Over time one becomes so tired, worn out from crying... that they begin to forget to cry... they begin to live again... even though at that time they aren't aware of it.
The strange thing is... before May (yes, the month of May... again)... before May 16, 1998... I didn't cry very often. Since then... 'it's been one tear after the other'.......
No one can understand this unless... they've experienced something very traumatic, very life-altering. They think they do... they don't. How can they... they've never walked in those shoes to ... really 'know'. How can someone who is 'so innocent, so unknowing'... recognize the signs, the pain if they aren't aware of what it is they're looking for?
I feel such fatigue now... I 'm tired of crying. I am tired of being sad each day. I think when I sleep tonight... tomorrow will be a brighter day. I feel it's time now...to move forward. I wanted to move forward before...
Thankfully... I have here to go to write all that would surely overwhelm me if I didn't write. Thankfully... I don't have to put in words to ... talk and tell someone that I am hurting this much. I don't have to upset or worry anyone by writing... if you read this... you can read and see that I'm alright... and you are seeing me work through my pain. I know no other way... I would never sit and talk to anyone about it. I'm a good listener, but, not one to sit and 'just talk' about such serious things.
I don't upset Skip, nor anyone who knows me. I can just stop any moment during writing... wait to come back later to finish when I'm ready to. After a time ... I'm alright again. I can breathe better, feel 'freer'.... though I feel ... tired.
'Inside' of me... I've held my whole life-long story that I've never spoke of to anyone... I haven't begun to write yet. I have to write for now... all that has hurt and affected me, altered my life in the past 12 years. For 'now'... this is all I know best... all that has brought me to 'now'... to being 'me'... then, to being Granny Gee. See... my life started over on July 16th, 1998 when surgery saved my life... I would have died then.
My life began over once again when I went into congestive heart failure... when I come back to being conscious... the doctor was ready to put me on a ventilator.
How fortunate I am to be here. I have so much to be thankful for... as well as all the sad things in my life. Who am I to complain? I have to be strong because I may not have been here for Tommy all those years... he needed both Skip and I ... he would have had no one to depend on who loved him as much as we did. I'm glad I was here until that ... evening when the sea gulls called to him. I'm glad he had Skip in his life... they were more close than I can say.
I will rest my mind now, my hands. I have written so much in the past week. The fuel pushing me to write has been wanting Tommy to never be forgotten... to always remember him... the fuel being 'one tear after the other'... inside my heart. I am very tired now. I'm going to rest now.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)