Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Pain, Grief Is Always There... I Have To Stay On Guard

The Pain, Grief Is Always There... I Have To Stay On Guard

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Ged

We spent time in Skip's study today.  Skip was moving his photos around while taking a soft cloth to dust each.  He took the Bible from the bookcase and looked through it while I was arranging some books.

"You put this here", Skip said.  I was curious as to what I had put in the Bible.  I couldn't remember what in the world it could be.  I looked toward his hands to see the Bible opened to the white pages at the front.

I could see something was taped to one of the white pages.  I couldn't imagine what it could be.  He handed the Bible to me, as I looked at what was taped to the white page, I had to sit down in his desk chair.

I felt the worst pain in my heart... an old familiar pain.  I felt the overwhelming need to cry.  Tears began pouring from my eyes, I tried to hold them back.

Oh God, that hurt so bad.  I was trying to read the paper that was taped inside our Bible.  I read it but, I couldn't tell you at this moment what that paper said.

For moments it felt like I was in the past... that serious, deep pain was inside my heart... I felt the darkness again.  I quit smiling, I was crying inside.  I felt 'lost, disoriented' .....

The paper that was taped inside the Bible was an obituary... oh my God... it was my own son's obituary.  Oh my God, my heart began hurting so much... I slipped into the darkness again.  I was overwhelmed with grief.  I had to give the Bible back to Skip.

I fought to not stay in that darkness, I pulled the curtain back so, I could come back to the sunlight... thankfully, I had entered only a short distance.

I was going to be alright.  I felt such an overwhelming feeling of missing my son that tore at my very soul.  I told Skip, "Skip, I miss Tommy so badly."  Skip understood, he has missed Tommy, also.

I put my head down on my hands, my elbows rested on Skip's desk.  I began rubbing my eyes, my temples.  I tried to rub the pain away I was experiencing.

Skip began talking to me about different things ... thankfully, I got past this... I got past the storm that threatened to ruin this beautiful day.  There was a time, I wouldn't have come out of it, I wouldn't have seen my way to come in out of the storm of grief.

Later, the sun began shining again as I got busy doing things, listened to Skip as he talked.  I also, got past this storm being so thankful that Skip is getting stronger every day.

I made it through this storm...  I am still in the sunlight.  I'm afraid of that darkness that reached out to envelope me.  I don't want to go back there... it's too easy to get lost.  The pain, grief is there always waiting for me... I always have to be on guard.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry that you still have to go through so much pain. I wish there was something I could do for you----to take your pain away. I am glad you did not stay in that darkness. I do wish things would be very good for you and you wouldn't have to have so much bad stuff in your life. You know I am always there for you! Love, Ms. Nancy