Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Today has been a much nicer day for me. I have talked to myself, felt like I'm going to be able to cope with the coming holidays. If for some reason I don't succeed... it won't be because I don't try to help myself.
Since Tommy died, the holidays have been awful. We have no one in our lives now. Can you imagine how it feels to have no one to share happy times with? I understand that I have to cope with this, be a very positive person. Guess what? I know I can do that. I'm a very strong person.
I talked to Skip, I told him that I've been dreading the coming holidays. I told him that I was going to make the holidays good for both of us... I told him that what's important now, is that we stay positive, it's up to us to make each day good. I feel very determined to do my part... I know a lot depends on how I ... cope with it all. Today, I felt that I can, I will.
I know there are going to be hard times to get through... they won't be the first 'hard times' I've ever faced. My whole life has been full of them... but, I never had my own child... die before. I sit here, I look at that sentence I just wrote.... 'I never had my own child... die before'. Though I feel tears inside... I'm still very strong today.
Sometimes, I have to make myself face things head-on to take the power away so, whatever hurts me.... won't hurt as much. Sometimes, I have to do it many times. Sometimes.... it never takes it away no matter how many times.....
Since Tommy died (see? I'm facing it again....) I've made myself face up to him being gone... I'm trying to face it so, it won't hurt as much. Truthfully... the pain hasn't lessened at all... but, I've gotten better at facing the reality of him being gone... so, why doesn't the pain stop?
I know 'why?' I'm a mother... no, I was a mother.... what am I now? Just what am I ... 'now'. Would you call me a 'has been mother'? A 'used to be' mother? Did being a mother go away when my child did? I 'used to be Tommy's mother'...
I have to grow older now... without my son. He was supposed to live ... and I go before him. He should have been the one grieving for me one day. It didn't happen the way it was supposed to....
I'm glad I only had one child... I'm glad I can't experience grief again for the loss of another child. Does any of my thoughts make sense? These are the very real thoughts this grieving mother has voiced here...
My blog is to remember Tommy, my son by. I won't ever let him be forgotten... never. I come here to write each day my thoughts, my stories... I voice feelings I experience. I do this rather than to sit down to talk in person with anyone.
I don't burden others with my grief, my feelings. I can write whatever I want here without worrying what someone thinks, feels about me. This is my story I write here... this is my pain I write here. I'll write it as much as I want to, as often as I need to... for the rest of my life.
This is what my blog is all about. I write this to let people who are new to my blog know that I don't write to be 'wallowing in self-pity'... my blog is to remember Tommy, my life, being a grieving mother having real grieving feelings, thoughts.
My life has been full of 'bad things' happening, lots of death... someday I will try to make a list of all for you to read. I can say this... no matter how sad, unhappy I've been... I'm still a positive person... no matter how 'down' I get. I do question sometimes... then, I stop because I'll never know the real answer to all my 'whys?'
When my son died... when Tommy died, I have known pain unlike any other I've experienced in my entire life. Only another mother will understand this kind of pain... another mother who has lost her child. A mother who has lost 'her only child'...
If anyone comes here to read my words... they choose to read them, to see how this one grieving mother thinks, feels in very real words. I don't push any of my feelings on anyone.
I can say that I've felt such comfort from the many comments on my different blogs, and my personal email. So many people have written me special words... they do make a difference, they mean the world to me.
Some of you offer advice to help with coping, some offer me solace..... some of you just talk to me about what you feel. I can't tell you how much that means to me. Some of you tell me about what you believe in... it helps me with what I believe in when a loved one has died.
I always love to hear from you... all of you. You can write here... or to my personal email at .... email@example.com.... or send me a message on whichever blog you see this on, or message me at my Facebook page. I will always answer you back.
Thank you everyone who already do this often... thank you for caring. You, my dear readers/friends mean the very world to me. You are who I come here everyday to talk to... I'm here if you want to talk to me.
Again, I will say goodnight. This time... my mind is very weary but, I don't think I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. Everything did get alright... sometimes, it takes a little time... I'm going to bed now. Goodnight, everyone. :)))
I think this time I've written the pain out just enough... just enough so, I can be all right for a while. You know how a tea kettle does when the water begins to boil? It begans whistling, steaming... once the pressure/the heat is off... it gradually becomes calm again.
I'm the little tea kettle who is now, whistling/steaming very softly... the pressure, grief has receded as the waves do when they break on the shore, ebb away. For now... I'm okay again. I looked for... and found... comfort.