Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Saturday, November 24, 2012
I Just Had A Bad Time... Writing The Pain Out
I Just Had A Bad Time... Writing The Pain Out
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Well... this evening, guess what I did? I asked Skip to bring several things from our outside building... to the house. I was paying close attention to myself, my feelings when he brought all in.
I waited to see if I'd become sad... feel panicky, want to cry. These are the emotions I have experienced for two years now. It's awful... the pain, the pure grief.... holidays have a way of making all worse.
Why? Because that's when all of our loved ones gather for a time to feel close, happy, glad they have each other. It's a time of such pure happiness looking around yourself, thinking 'I love my family... these are my special someones in my life... I'm so thankful for them'. I feel so safe, loved by all of them.... I'm special to these people, they are special to me.
Then... someone is all of a sudden 'gone'...you didn't get to tell them 'goodbye forever'. Like Tommy... I did get to speak to him on the phone less than an hour 'before' ......... when we ended our call we said, "I love you, son." "I love you, mama."
We said 'goodbye'......... but, we never said 'goodbye forever, mama'.... 'goodbye forever, son'..... When I said goodbye, I only meant until he would call me in an hour, or so... to tell me about playing with Taban at the ocean. I didn't say ...'goodbye forever, son'. I didn't .... mean 'goodbye forever'.....
Now... at this very moment, I look at what I've done... I could become very upset easily... but, I mean to do as I told you all I would do... that's to make our Christmas a happier time for us... Skip and our Pups.
I just made it through Thanksgiving... and I heard Skip say... 'This has been the nicest Thanksgiving'..... I did it, and I'm so thankful I didn't make it another sad Thanksgiving.
Skip is so fortunate to see this Thanksgiving... I'm so thankful to have Skip this Thanksgiving. Wouldn't I be awful not to appreciate, be thankful after what he has just been through when he became deathly ill? I could have... been all alone ... only the Pups and I on these holidays. My world is complete with Skip, our Pups. I'm so fortunate.
I'm happy, I'm sad... bittersweet is the only word I can think of to describe what I am. I looked at photos of Skip I had taken of him in Rex Emergency Room when he was very ill, when he was in the hospital that week.... one could see 'death was close by'... my heart hurts, I want to cry looking at them. One photo, he was lying on the bed with his eyes closed... so still, so sick... he looked like... he was 'gone'.
I showed these photos to Skip this evening... he didn't know I took them in the emergency room... he knew about the ones while being hospitalized... I took them because I could see that he was getting better, and better. Skip said, "I looked like I was dead, I've seen dead people look better." I smiled at that because Skip is funny... he is the most wittiest person I know... quick on his feet to say something hilarious. He's... my special someone, he's all I have in this world... he means everything to me... him and ..our Pups.
I look again... I stop writing to turn around to see... what I've done this evening. I'm determined not to get in the condition I have been in for the past two years... I may be sad but, I'm going to be a... strong sad ... mixed with gratefulness...
There.... on the table is a 4 foot Christmas tree, decked out in shiny red balls, colored lights. That's what I've done this evening... 'I've put up the Christmas tree'....... I tell myself 'everything is going to be all right'....
I keep experiencing this feeling of wanting to cry... I feel tears threaten to fall... I'm so happy, I'm so sad.... I have Skip, I don't have Tommy. I'm caught in the middle... I could have had ... no one. I could have been all alone. I feel I want to lay my head down, and just ... weep.
All of this is from thankfulness, mixed with grief. One of my loved ones is still here, one of my loved ones is... gone. One whom I didn't say 'goodbye forever'... to. I only said goodbye for a little while....
For a few moments... I want to cry out for Tommy to come back, please don't be gone! I know I sound foolish... grief can make one do, think foolish things. No matter how happy one can appear to be... when they've lost someone that is a part of them.... grief is only beneath the surface.
I see that I'm going to have to cope with this... I feel inside that the darkness is trying to come near again. I can't let it ... happen now. I just can't. I love my son, I miss my son, it hurts so bad. I wish for my son to be back... Tommy, I wish you weren't gone.
Today I saw a young boy ... he looked alot like Tommy looked when he was a child. I stood there, watched that boy... 'seeing Tommy' for several moments. I made myself turn away... what good does it do to 'see Tommy'? It hurts me deeply. I feel ................... I feel ... so much.
Sitting here in darkness around me... I have the lights out... I sit here in the light of my computer thinking, writing.... I'm beginning to feel calmness inside. See... how this happens when I think I'm ... all right?
I just turned around again to look.... at that pretty Christmas tree. I'm so happy that I put it up for us to enjoy. I'm so glad that I can write this pain down here. Now... I can feel better... Skip never has to know how sad I became because.... now, I'm all right. Everything is going to be all right.
I can smile through my tears... because I see, hear Skip talking... he's here. I know Tommy is gone... it's like the glass of water.... half empty, half full. I wish I could fill that glass right back up... Tommy to be back.
I know that he can't come back... but, it still doesn't stop the pain I feel. That can come back at any time... no matter how happy I am determined to be.
Everything is all right now... I wrote out the pain. I was having a bad time... I have been writing the pain out.