Saturday, January 25, 2014

That Piece Of Cardboard Is Getting In The Way...

That Piece Of Cardboard Is Getting In The Way...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My precious son, Tommy... I miss you with my Heart.. I miss my precious grandson, Taban...  It seems I can't ever become ... used to you being gone; used to the pain, grief.  It never goes away.  Grief for the loss of your child... isn't like anything you've ever experienced.  I cry for Tommy....

This morning... someone wanted to be friends with me on Facebook. Someone from the past... the past when Tommy was younger, and engaged to her. They broke up...

Of course, I accepted her... she's a link to my son from a long time ago. She loved him at one time. She was a real part of my son's life... I have no one else who was.

The strange thing was... I sat here at my computer, and I began to cry silently. I haven't done that for a while. I was wondering 'why'...

I felt such grief in my heart for my son. I remembered the break-up; something I haven't thought about in years. I remember he was devastated... for a time, I was afraid for him. He was young, and he really loved this girl. Eventually... all became okay.

I think 'why' I cried is because 'something linked to Tommy' meant the world to me. I think I was glad she reached out... no one else linked to Tommy reaches out like that. That made her special... she didn't have to.

It's strange... how grief instantly came over me as memories began to resurface. I don't think I'll ever quit crying over the loss of my son. When I say cry... I don't mean crying out loud, sobbing wildly. When I cry... it's deep, silent. No one would notice if they didn't see my eyes.

I find myself trying to 'block' each time I try to think back... see my son in my mind. It's like a reporter with a camera trying to video something... and someone puts a piece of cardboard in front of his camera to 'block' his vision.

Blocking is protection .... to prevent more grief, more pain. It's always there... it has to be. I would go to pieces if my mind didn't 'block' it all. I would upset Skip with my grief... he can't bear to see me cry, hurt... I don't like to hurt him.

Only The Pups... see my grief now. Each one will take turns coming to me, to love me. Their eyes look sad for me... making me pet them for caring so much... reassuring them that I'm okay.

I notice that I am being 'careful' tonight while writing... that piece of cardboard is getting in the way.

1 comment:

  1. I think losing a child (especially if he/she is your only child) is something one can't get over no matter how hard they try. I am fortunate I still have my child (and grandchildren). I do not know how it feels to lose a child but I am thinking it would probably be the worst thing that can happen to a parent. I do know a couple of people that have lost their only child and I see the pain in their faces each time I see them. I do pray that God will continue to be with you at all times---especially when those memories come flooding back to you. You know I am always here/there if you need me! I love you my friend! Love, Ms. Nancy