I Just Care ... I Don't Know Why
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I've been doing a lot of thinking. You know how your mind works ... you think about everything, think about ... nothing.
Some things kept popping in my mind. One had to do with all you, I ... do today, yesterday ... in the past. We aren't the first ones to do the things we do. Someone has been there ... done that. Have you ever thought about it?
You take a bath ... go to work ... drive a car ... learn something at school, college ... swim ... have a baby ... cry, grieve over the loss of a loved one. These are only a few things out of the 'million' things we do all the time.
I'm not the first to do anything. You are not the first to do anything. We aren't the first wagon train to go through the pass. Many others have gone before us ... lots dying on the way.
We cry, we scream about this ... about that. Why? Why? Why? Why not? We are no better than anyone else to go through the things we do. Are you one who questions ... 'why'?
Most of the time I don't even bother to question why? I am old enough to know that things happen ... and try to make the best of it. I can't change something happening ... so, I have to deal with it to the best of my ability. If I put off doing it ... it will be there to sooner or later ... be dealt with.
It's like when I lost my son, Tommy. I went into the protective darkness to not think, try not to feel the god-awful pain of grief ... I just could not deal with it. I have never felt such pain in my life ... I thought I had ... but, you lose a child, you can't imagine the pain a mother feels. You may as well tear her very Heart out.
Three years of that darkness, trying to run, hide ... from the awful pain, grief ... was still there. I remember the moment I realized it. Oh my ... it was like beginning over again.
The ones who tell you that you should only grieve about 3 weeks ... or you should go forward and not look back as if losing a child is nothing to stay terribly upset over ... I really hope by this time they have eaten their words ... over and over. How cold, how heartless they were. I still see their faces in my mind ... I just haven't heard what's happened in their lives since.
If they have lost a child by this time ... had cancer ... lost a dear one ... they should get the message. The Only way one can truly understand ... is to actually go through the experience. Onlookers can see the outside pain ... but, there's no way to see the ... roots of the pain inside one. They have no idea.
For the ones who don't know yet ... who have no compassion ... who are cold, heartless ... don't worry, I promise your day will come. I hope I see it. I won't be happy that you are in grief, pain ... but, I will damn sure watch to see how you react to it.
I bet you won't be running, dancing in glee ... going forward right at the moment you find out your loved one died. You deserve what you ... dished out.
Does it sound like I've held anger for the past 5 years since Tommy's death? Well ... I truly don't. I do hold curiosity to see 'how the ones who had no compassion for me' by using careless words ... handle what's coming in their life. Uncaring, careless words ... that will come back like coals of Hell ... to burn them slowly in the ass. I hope they ... think of me.
There's one woman in particular ... I'm waiting to see. Isn't that awful? I'm waiting to see what happens to her in her older life 'now'. She is much older than me. (I saw her not long ago ... she was an old woman). When she was ugly to me ... she was so uncaring, cold back when I was battling for my life ... cancer. She'll never know how she affected me that day ...
That day I made myself get up, drive to the pharmacy. I was fighting to make myself stronger ... to walk, to go do things. I don't know how I did it ... but, I did. I forced myself to get better ... I meant to live. I had accepted I was going to die ... went on to have my fighting spirit ignite inside ... after that, I meant to live. I meant it ... I meant it ... I meant it.
That particular day I went into the pharmacy ... gathered several things. I went to the cash register to pay for them. Elaine ... the woman working there was someone I had liked all through the years, had worked around at the hospital with ... stood there with an expression of dislike on her face.
Well, I had been encountering expressions of shock from people who always knew me. Fighting cancer does something to one ... you aren't as pretty anymore ... in fact, you look like Hell ... because you are fighting Hell to live.
She looked down her nose at me and said, 'what have you been doing?'. Her voice was very snide, ugly. I remember looking up at her through the blanket of disorientation around me from not being out in public. She had worked in the hospital ... she had to have seen how deathly sick I was ... she didn't care. Her expression, tone of voice reflected it.
My looks (do you think the look of death ... cancer is becoming?) didn't even compare with how pretty I had been when I worked at the hospital. She ... looked down on me ... oh, my Heart felt such pain. I wasn't good enough for her to speak to me 'now'. Being sick wasn't any excuse.
I remember speaking ... saying I'd been very sick and was getting better now. She twitched her nose, turned her head to the side ... I would have been better off not even speaking. I went back to our vehicle, sat there. I was stunned, hurt ...
So ... I wait to see out of curiosity to see what happens in her life. I'm careful not to wish bad things to her. I always wish only the best to happen for people I truly despise in this world ... but, I admit I do wait, watch ... just to see what happens in their life.
Strange thing ... I always have compassion when ... it's bad. How can I care when someone has been so bad to me? I just care ... I don't know 'why'?
Note by this author:
Photos/story owned, written by me ... #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.
These are several thoughts I had in mind lately. Now ... I'm thinking about something else.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)