By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter
Listening to Christmas music
Takes me into the past
To remember with a smile
My Grandma Alma and George
Twinkle in Grandma Alma's eyes
Her beautiful smile
One good hand holding a Xmas present
Opening it, expressing joy over its contents
George smiling as he held his stocking
Filled with oranges, apples, nuts
As if it were the biggest treasure
Trying to see with his sightless eyes
A little girl watched, wishing
For toys, presents under the tree
Her cousins next door were getting lots of gifts
Knowing that gifts like that weren't for her
A little girl living in a world
Where everything was for other children
Not for her ... no need to think about them
Nothing was meant for her ... she accepted it
Accepted it thinking she wasn't good enough
Only other people's wishes came true
Everything she wished for
Didn't ever come true ... she learned to quit wishing
Dreaming ... daydreaming was for others
Not for her ... only other people's wishes came true
She had wished to be in the Girl Scouts
Couldn't ... was it lack of money? was she good enough?
Past Christmases ... very few Christmas presents
Was it lack of money ... or she didn't deserve them
Was it because ... they were meant for other people
She learned to never expect anything
Never expect anything ... good things were for others
She never wondered why they weren't meant for her
The little girl instinctively knew good things
Ran out before they got to her
Smiling, expressing happiness over her cousins' gifts
The little girl had such pride
Making her hide her hurt, pain ... embarrassment
So her cousins wouldn't make fun of her
Make fun of her they did
Bragging on all Santa Claus brought to them
Never understanding how it felt
To be a little girl without Christmas presents
My mind going back to the past
I smile sadly ... thinking I'm glad it doesn't hurt
Today ... I let go of the pain so long ago
I smile sadly ... through time new pain filled its place
Yet ... through the sadness I feel happy
Thankful for all I have today
I don't have a lot ... yet, I do
I have my whole world ... Skip and our Pups
They are all I have now
Everyone is gone I ever loved
The ones left are gone too, yet still here
Gone forever even while we live
Life is sad ... if I could I'd make all happy
I can't because it's not meant to be
I smile sadly, yet feel happiness in my Heart
Knowing no matter what ... everything's going to be alright
My beautiful mother whom I wanted to grow up to be like ... to be so beautiful as she was. I did grow up to be beautiful ... now ... I've become older and am a ... faded rose :) Life is what it is.
Note by this Author:
Photos, poem owned/written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny.
I grew up knowing I was the child good things didn't happen to. I know now, as an older adult ... there was a lack of money ... lack of people to care about this one little girl ... why should they? I wasn't ... their ... little girl.
My mother (no matter what I loved my mother ... she was a troubled too-young mother who had no business with a child) ... was always gone.
She would leave me at my Grandma Alma and George's in Hell where they lived, or with my Grandmother Lola where life was ... perfect ... or with a father who was afraid to acknowledge his oldest daughter for fear his wife would become angry, jealous. I was one of his three daughters ... I was the one he never took time to know. I loved him ... regardless.
None of this bothers me today and hasn't for many years. My mother was only 14 years older than I ... she was a child, herself. How could she have known what it took to raise a child?
Her actions caused me such grief, pain ... being unprotected from the harshness of life. I forgave her ... I loved her with my very Heart.
My mother was very good to me as I became older, always there for me. She suffered so much from her own choices in life ... she was too young to know better. She was my beautiful mother who looked like Elizabeth Taylor ... as a little girl I idolized her.
Tonight as I listen to Christmas music I think of her, and the so many relatives I loved most in life who have died in the past years. I was one of them ... almost ... several times. I sometimes wonder why I lived ... they didn't.
The relatives who live today I love ... but relationships are next to impossible. We were born distrustful, afraid of the other ... no matter how we wish we could be close, we just can't. Isn't it so sad? I love each one of them very much ... it is what it is ... no more, no less.
If I could I would pull everyone together and want everyone to be close. This is where the expression 'nothing is impossible' is an exception. Sad to say but, so true.
My life has always been filled with great pain, grief. It has shaped me into a compassionate, caring, forgiving ... good person. I could have been completely opposite at one time.
Tonight ... listening to Christmas music ... has taken me back for a short time into my past ... to a little girl who was always in the way, no one had time for. I wasn't their little girl.
Does it upset me today? No, it truly doesn't. I'm so glad :) No one has to feel sorry for that little girl ... she left all that in the past. The positive from such things is that she in today's time ... has something to write about :)
I am sure that was sad growing up as you did. I never knew at the time that your life was a living hell next door. Today-----you are an adult with a loving heart towards most everyone I know that knows you. You turned out to be a beautiful person with a wonderful attitude with a heart full of love. Love, Ms. Nancy
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