I Didn't Save The World As I Meant To Do...

I DIDN'T SAVE THE WORLD AS .. I MEANT TO DO
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24 ‎December, ‎2011


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

(Note:  I am reblogging this from December 2011 when I began writing...)


Skip and I were talking this morning over pancakes that he made for us.  Those pancakes were extra-good because... he made them.  He put butter on each stack and drizzled syrup over them.  Hot coffee topped it off.
I like not pretending to others I have more than I really have, it is so much easier.. to be just ourselves.  This was our main topic this morning over those pancakes.
We talked about how through the years we've had 'a lot'... and went on to 'not have a lot'... all the while 'pretending' to still have it all.  It was such a struggle not to show weakness to our 'friends and family'... not to let them see that we didn't have 'big' money anymore.  Skip pretended longer than I did.  I don't like to play games and though I have so much pride......... I don't like having to be... something that I'm not at all.
Playing The Game...... I got tired of playing the game.  It was mentally exhausting to be sure to say the right things and do the right things.  It was awful to have to have people come so close to 'knowing... hey!  Skip and Gloria aren't as well off as they make us think!  or.... hey!  They aren't at all what I thought they were!  Yay-yy.. They aren't so this or that...anymore!'
 I personally know alot of people 'in the same boat' now, and they are still .... pretending and going through the agony and grief we went through.... not being as comfortable in life as we once were, having beautiful clothes, driving beautiful vehicles, having all of our medical, dental, life insurances, 401Ks and beautiful homes... and pretending to still 'have it all'.  They will play it out until they can't... anymore.
Some time ago, we quit ..pretending.  Our life felt better though, of course... even not pretending didn't take away how we miss what we'd become accustomed to in life, how people treated us when they thought we were wealthy and healthy.... as people will do to 'rich people'... they licked our a____s.  You know it's true.... either you are still rich or in the same situation we find ourselves in... or in the middle.  You 'know' how people will do things and go out of their way... for you... hoping you will throw some extra 'bones' their way... you know how 'good' that makes you feel for those people to almost get on their knees to serve you.  No matter what you needed or thought you needed... people made sure you got it.
We've been there and done that.  We have lived in the best and ..had the best.  We know what it's like to travel and see, enjoy things just the average person never gets to do.  We loved life doing all we enjoyed doing... and along the way... truthfully, we did 'see' other people who struggled to live and to have nice things for their families, people who were homeless and hungry, we 'saw' them... and they touched our hearts.
We would stop and do things for them... and we never told others... we never bragged about what we did.  You see... we 'knew how it felt' in the past to want or need things, or to wish for things and how it feels to pray for a miracle.
I knew how it felt to 'want, need, and yearn for things I needed or wished to have to put a little more stuffing into my life ... to buffer me from the pains of not-having, mean people, and the things life throws at one'.
 We have given cars, new tires, gas, motel rooms, lots of food, clothes, coats through the years........... the list could go on and on.  The point is.... it doesn't matter what we gave..... the point is that we did keep giving all along.
I believe that even now.. we don't have 'the most' anymore.... because we gave 'when we did'............ that though life is harder... it's not 'as hard' ... because we cared at a time when ... most people wouldn't when the world is going their way.
Sometimes, I stop and look at different people and I really 'see' them..... and I 'know' them for the 'real' people they are.  I have studied people since being a little girl just to survive and to .. escape them from hurting me.
I 'know' ...women...... my world as a little girl was ruled by 'strong-ass women' and... they could be ruthless as well... be so kind and loving and caring... their problem was... when things weren't going their way... they 'knew' how to jerk all that out from under a person.. to hurt them.
I pay attention to people who still have alot... and how they take for granted that 'they could never-ever not have it'... and probably that's true with some.  They will never go without in their lives... because all has been handed to them... almost before they were born... these are the truly lucky ones.  It's all there for them and there's so much that it can't possibly 'give out'.. they will never in their life have to stop and learn anything... they are above all that.  I've mingled with so many people like this that 'now'... I don't even bother to pretend with them... I don't even care to smile at them to give them satisfaction of being another one to 'kiss their a___'.  They don't see me anyway... I'm past being a 'beautiful person/woman and having the world by the tail'.... they see a middle-age woman now.. they don't 'see me'.... now.  I'm no longer important... I'm just a regular, everyday person now... but, I'm really not... though ..I am.  :))))))
I don't even waste time and just go my way..I don't care if I'm not noticed.  I don't care anymore about 'playing games'.  A person gets tired of it all.. as they grow older to know life isn't about just that.
I will say this ... that it's a 'good thing' to have the people I just spoke of.... because they DO keep the world going in more ways than one.... so, I appreciate them just as much as I despise the games they play.  We need them, they have the best that life offers, they have the best educations that benefit all of us in our many walks in life... so, I don't really hate them.  They do help in their businesses, jobs and knowledge and in more ways than I can name... help to make life possible for everyone else.
It's sort of like prostitutes.... I know you really want to know what I mean when I say that... I'll tell you.  You have people ..male or female alike.. who go out and they use the services of a prostitute... and not all these people are 'good' people... there are 'bad' people who can't control their urges if they don't get what 'they have to have'.  If they get a prostitute to satisfy those urges... then, maybe they aren't dangerous to anyone ...anymore... whereas, if they didn't have that 'outlet'... they might go on to rape and murder to get their needs met.
This is strictly one of my 'Gloria' opinions.. and people who know me... know I have alot of opinions... that's life.  My point here ...is... that if the truth be known....... (my opinion, my thoughts and I ..don't apologize).... we NEED prostitutes... their services are needed also, in their own way.
Why do you think they've been around thousands of years.  I don't pretend to be so knowledgeable but, I've watched and listened through the years and I've talked to prostitutes and even liked some.. it's like a 'scratch my back and I'll scratch your back'...sort of thing.  I've walked in alot of 'life's paths' ... down farther in some and just a little ways to 'know'... about things I was curious about.  I've 'touched alot of lives' that weren't like mine... just to 'see and know'......
On this subject before I leave it... I have many ways just as I do about 'everything'... to look at any one thing.... because in my mind as I mentally walk around a thought... I'm studying it and 'feeling' it and constantly forming opinions about it.  I admit when I'm wrong... I also, keep in mind that because someone would think it wrong... doesn't always mean.... I have to be wrong... we could both be right..... or we both could be wrong... or I could be right... or they could be wrong.. or I could be wrong..and they be ..right.  Life is like that... sometimes it neither right or wrong.. it 'just is'... no more, no less.
I have watched and sadly, I see people...... (we all have to grow up one day and we all have to learn.... we are all.. in various stages of life to learn the lessons it teaches us).... who have nothing... all of a sudden get just a little more than they ever had... suddenly get on a power kick and begin to act in a way they normally wouldn't.  They could get a promotion and all of a sudden the office has a holy terror in charge who stands in front of them saying 'it's my way, or the highway'.  People like this... who have had nothing... finally get wonderful things in their life... and they think they are supposed to act.. that way.  We never were like that, I can 'look back' and know that... and 'seeing' what we did along our path... I feel good and wouldn't take a thing back.
Getting back to not pretending to be other than what one is, does hurt sometimes.  It's because it doesn't take alot to happen to let others know that you 'need', too.  After all, one does have pride and they are used to giving... and not asking for things they need or want.  It's good in the way that you don't have to do the many things one would have to do to keep up the appearance of 'having so much'.... it's sad in the way that no longer do you have the extra in life.... that to us meant we could do things for others, also.
We find joy in making good things happen to others as well as for ourselves.  We are like that and though, we don't have 'the most' now... we still do.  We 'know' how it feels to want and to wish.. and not have and we find ourselves at this late day in our life to coming 'full circle'............ almost to being like that again.  But.. we still never forget to... give.  I firmly believe that in this world one has to do that... because things have a way of coming back to one.  I would like for it to all be ...good.  Skip feels the same way I do.
To be real.... I love people though.. I have to keep them at a distance... I 'listen' and I 'care' and I 'see'... I am always sensing people around me or in a letter because I simply 'care'.  I may be quiet and not even noticed... but, I'm 'there'... and I care.
I cry for strangers, I cry for animals who lay along side our highways, I cry for the unfairness in this world, and the abuse others inflict on their innocent victims, the horrible things men/women (don't forget about those women.... they are mean, too).... the horrible things men and women do to other people.
I have to protect my heart from all the pain I 'feel inside' ..for others.  I wish I could protect them.... and when I was young I knew I could... I knew when I grew up I WAS going to make a difference... a good difference in this life.
Sadly.... I'm (I hate to call myself this because I really am... but, inside 'I'm really not').......... sadly... I have become a middle-aged woman............. a middle-aged woman........ a middle-aged woman........ a middle-aged woman who has not accomplished alot of .... anything.  (Remember ...the more you use a word (face it head-on!).. the less power it has to hurt you anymore...... 'middle-aged woman').  Now.... I am this middle-aged woman who has not accomplished 'one damn thing'... I wanted to accomplish.  'Now'.... I've finally said it 'out loud'.  I am mad about this.. and that makes this a 'regret'... one I add to my list of 'Regrets'.
I didn't 'save this world' as I meant to do.  I didn't do anything at all to really stand out.  When people tell me that they love something I've done or said.... I feel like an impostor.... I'm nobody or anyone special.  I am 'me'.... and I haven't done anything important... I just care a lot.   My regret in life is that I didn't save the world nor the ones I've lost in life forever... nor my precious, golden son.  I'm no one special... not at all... nor would I pretend to be.  I'm tired of pretending to be... what I never was and what I'd never be... only once in a while do I 'pretend'!  It's when it's needed... after all... life is like that!  Sometimes it's needed .. even just for a little while... to Play The Game of Life.
Oh.... I'm not dead yet.... I might could 'save the world'... yet!

Skip's Grandma Lois... Hang On Tight, Granny!

SKIP'S GRANDMA LOIS...  HANG ON TIGHT, GRANNY!

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   aka GRANNY GEE

Skip grew up close to his Grandma Lois.  She was his father's mother.  Grandma Lois was Director of Nursing at the hospital where they lived.  Skip loved going to the hospital as a young guy to talk to the nurses who worked under her.

The nurses would be talking and laughing with Skip ... he was a handsome young man!  Grandma Lois would come walking up the hall... they'd scatter going back to work.  She was very stern with them, and didn't like them to be 'playing' on the job.  She was of the 'old school'.  She was very professional.

She was a very serious-minded person, though she did have a sense of humor.  She could play music... by ear.  She didn't know how to read music, but, she could play the old-timey piano she had, singing for family and friends who came to visit her.  Grandma Lois could play the guitar, mandolin, and banjo.  She loved to sing songs such as 'Won't You Come Home, Bill Bailey'.

Grandma Lois loved to eavesdrop ... she was on a partyline of six.  Skip would come into the door talking and she'd hush him up quickly!  She loved to eavesdrop on Lizzie, one of her neighbors.  She'd talk about Lizzie after going to church ...she'd tell Skip all about what Lizzie wore.  One of the times was that Lizzie wore a tacky hat that day.  Skip asked her did it have more feathers than hers?

One day Skip went to his Grandma Lois to tell her about a new car he wanted.  He needed someone to sign the bank note for him before he could order it.  She asked him what kind of car was he wanting.

Skip described the car to her, it was a 1966 Chevelle Super Sport, 396 cubic inch engine, 375 glorious horsepower, with enough power ....'to pull the doors off hell'!  (Skip didn't tell Grandma Lois about 'all that glorious horsepower').  It was a beautiful copper-brown color.  The seats were of soft, black leather... bucket seats.  It had a 4-speed transmission.  It was truly a beautiful... fast machine!

Grandma Lois called up Jimmy, the bank rep.  She told him about the car, that she'd sign the bank note when the car got there... they'd order it and it'd take 3-4 weeks to be at the car lot.  He told her that she needed to come up there to sign the papers now... Grandma Lois said to him 'Jimmy, I'll sign those papers when the car gets here, don't hand me a bunch of junk now, I changed your diapers when you were a baby!'

The car finally came.... Grandma Lois and Skip went to pick it up.  There it sat on the car lot... pretty as a picture!  Skip felt excitement as he stood there looking in awe at it!

He and his Grandma Lois went inside the office to join the salesman and bank rep (Jimmy).  She signed the papers, they all shook hands.  It was time to leave in Skip's new car!

They got into the car, Skip drove it gingerly as possible to go through the gears.  Grandma Lois was very relaxed.  The motor sounded like a song bird.  They drove... the trip home was 18 miles...

Grandma Lois asked Skip to stop at the local country store where Skip and his friends hung around.  The locals played horseshoes there...  there were always alot of men challenging each other to a game.  When they drove up and stopped, alot of friends of Skip's was there.. they all looked at his new car.  They loved it!

Skip's Grandma Lois wanted a can of snuff, she wanted Skip to buy it for her.  She never let anyone know that she dipped snuff.  Skip got out, went inside, bought the snuff and two bottles of soda.  He came back out and got inside the car.  He started the engine...

His friends began yelling for him to 'show them what that car could do!'  No one had a car like that around there, they loved it.  Skip yelled back that he couldn't ... his grandma was in the car.

Then.... Skip sat back in that seat ... the feeling came over him that was too strong to ignore!  He wanted and felt he needed to 'unleash the power' in that Chevelle!  He wanted to show his friends 'what that car could do!'

He backed out gently into the road...he let the car come to a stop.  He put it into 1st gear.......... all of a sudden ...'all hell broke loose!'

He dropped that clutch, put the accelerator to the floor!  His Grandma Lois was pegged to the back of the seat!  Then.....  he went for 2nd gear!

Grandma Lois lurched forward, was thrown back against that seat again!  Skip went for 3rd gear... once again Grandma Lois went forward, and was pegged forcefully against the back of that seat!

Skip threw it into 4th gear, it happened again... Grandma Lois was thrown forward and again... she was pinned to her seat.  Skip looked down, he was going 110 mph, they had gone less than a quarter mile down the road!

Grandma Lois had begun to holler ..'slow this damn deathtrap down and let me out!'  Skip slowed down to 50 mph.  Grandma Lois was furious!  'Why did you take off like that!'

Skip told Grandma Lois that the salesman had told him he needed to do that for several times... 'that was part of the breaking-in process'!  Grandma Lois didn't say a word.  Skip drove normally the rest of the way home.

Later, down at the country store Skip met up with his friends.  They were excitedly talking about his new car.  What a car!  They had never seen a car run like that!   One guy said 'it ran like a scalded jackrabbit!'

Grandma Lois did ride with Skip again, he never took her on such a ride again.  Two months later ...Skip left for the Army.  He left his Grandma Lois with the memory of 'the ride of her life!'

I Can't Say Grief Is The Color Of Rainbows...

I Can't Say Grief Is The Color Of Rainbows...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

This morning as I sit here at my computer, I am hearing Christmas music on the commercials on tv.  Yes, I know it's October... I'm not making it up!

Not only that, I have a big Rottweiler puppy ...laying on my bare feet keeping them warm!  I love for our Pups to lay on my feet, they comfort me... and keep my toes warm!

I have a blanket over my lap that is draped over my legs, over that big, spoiled pup!  He is a blanket pup!  Kissy Fairchild... who is named after two famous Rottweilers... our 2 Rottweilers before him.

I try to remember when we got our Rottweiler puppy.  It was a few months after Tommy died... I remember now.  Fairchild, our 11 year old Rottweiler died...  3 months after... Tommy died.

It's strange... Tommy's birthday was November 20.... our new puppy's birthday is November 02..... we got it in the same year Tommy died.  Tommy died May 29, 2010.... Tommy's birthday was November 20.... our new puppy, Kissy's birthday is November 02, 2010.  It's just unusual.....

Fairchild had cancer, though at first we didn't know it.  We had taken him back to have surgery.  Our vet came out to tell us that she couldn't do the surgery... Fairchild's cancer was too far gone.

Skip and I were already grieving for the loss of Tommy.  Fairchild was gently put to sleep... the grief was beyond description.  I cried inside for Tommy and Fairchild... they both loved each other... Skip and I loved them.  Our whole world was almost gone.

I could see caring through the quiet tears in my eyes.... from the staff at the vet's office.  They knew of Tommy's death, now.... Fairchild.  I remember looking back to see Skip kneel down to kiss Fairchild, tears on his cheeks.  He loved Fairchild, Fairchild loved him.

I remember Fairchild's sweet face lying on his paws... he weighed 128 at his death (he'd lost weight).  I remember seeing how 'baby-sweet' his face looked as he was going to sleep without suffering.  I cry quietly inside now... thinking about it.

I felt a tear roll down my right cheek... wet, cold.  Another tear just rolled down my left cheek, making the side of my nose ..itch.  You all know how tears do.  I took a moment here to ... describe it.

I'm not sure how to describe how my heart just felt, it's like it is being 'squeezed', my throat felt like it tightened, closed up.  How does one describe 'grief'.  I try sometimes as I am experiencing it... it isn't pretty.

The words to describe ... grief... are never pretty.  I can't say grief is the color of rainbows... I might could say grief is the color of a rainbow if all the colors were to all of a sudden... mix together.  The colors would be awful......

Sweet Chadwick was a baby puppy, he's our mixed pup.  He's the perfect mixture for us.  When we got home from the vet's office, Chadwick was there for us.  He loved Fairchild... oh, Fairchild loved Chadwick.  Chadwick was our life-saver.... Sweet Chadwick.

Soon after Fairchild's death, I went to pick his ashes up.  They were in a white, tin canister with black paw prints all over it... Skip bought a brass plate, had Fairchild's name engraved on it.  I glued it on the top that one can lift off Fairchild's ashes.

In a little black bowl, an old baseball rests sitting on top of that canister.  It's dirty... Fairchild used to play with it outside.  I tried to wash the dirt off... it's still stained.  That's okay...

Beside the ball, sits a little miniature Rottweiler with its feeding bowl by its paws.  I had found it at A.C. Moore's when I was there shopping for paint brushes, bottles of acrylic paint.

Fairchild's ashes sit on Skip's desk... every morning Skip walks by it, puts his hand out to touch the canister.  One can see to this day ... emotion in Skip's eyes when he speaks of... Fairchild.  No one can see the emotion in my heart when we speak of Fairchild.

Tommy... Fairchild... Tommy... Fairchild... Tommy...  Grief that can't be described in words to make you really feel 'how it feels'.

I can only try.  I was thinking of colors... you all know I associate colors with all in my life.  I was thinking..... I can't say grief is the color of rainbows...

Oh, I Know They Were Friends, 'Before'...

Oh, I Know They Were Friends, 'Before' ...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Lots of smiles, lots of friends today ....  Skip and I enjoyed today being around people we think a lot of.... it seems many of them came in contact with us today... we came in contact with them today!

So many happy smiles, happy voices... like standing in front of a warm, cozy, crackling fireplace.  You walk away with a glow in your heart that stays for quite some time.

I watched Skip as all his friends hugged him, patted him on the back, shoulder.  My heart felt so... so like a balloon full of air/happiness... that it wanted to soar off into the blue sky all the way to the huge, fluffy white clouds I so, admired all yesterday!

How I love all of you for making Skip's day, you don't know how all of you contributed to his getting stronger.  You don't know how much it meant to me to see those smiles on his face.  Every person we came in contact yesterday... really touched my very heart.

Friends... a lot of Skip's friends have become my friends through time.  I look forward to seeing them just like he does.  They hug me just like they do him each time they see me.  Amazing... I find that it means alot to me... someone who is so 'private'.  :)))

Yesterday evening I was preparing a light supper when I stopped still ... felt a wonderful feeling inside my heart.  I was hearing something I haven't heard for so long.... I heard Skip's voice joking, talking... I turned around to look... Skip was laughing, smiling as he was talking to me!

Do you know how long it's been since Skip felt like joking, laughing.... smiling a big smile?  He's been sick, getting worse over the past months until it escalated ... to him being hospitalized, very ill.

Skip is back!  Each day he becomes stronger... each day the 'fireplace burns brighter, happier'... to warm my heart, to help keep my grief for Tommy an easier load for me to carry.

My whole world is happy again.  I don't have Tommy now... Skip, and our Pups make up my whole world.

During Skip's illness, I have been realizing that we have really special friends close by... then, like yesterday... not so close by.

Oh, I know they were 'friends before'........ but, during this time.... each became dearer.  You know.......... each log placed on the fireplace... makes the fire more cheerier, happier, cozier... warmer.  One can't feel cold when around it.... not only one's body is warmed.......... their hearts are warmed, too.

'Before' I never had to worry about being alone, financial worries... Tommy was always 'there' to make sure I was alright.  This is the first crisis since Tommy went away... I was so afraid.

It seems like one by one... each hurdle, obstacle was removed in unseen ways to help me stay strong, to keep forward instead of falling into a heap on the floor, not knowing which direction to go.

Each kind voice, each gesture from every person my story is about today... helped to keep me upright, to put one foot in front of the other.... and go forward to make it through.  At times, I was so afraid, I felt so alone.  But... now, I know down deep.... I'm not alone....

As long as I stand in front of the fireplace, my heart and soul, body will be warmed.  Thank all of you for caring, letting me know all through this time.  Thank you all for being there for Skip and I.  I love you all.  :)))

Oh... I knew you were friends 'before'... but, all became a little more than 'just friends'....

Love, Granny Gee/Gloria

They Never Knew I Was 'Gone'...

They Never Knew I Was 'Gone'...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This evening we stood near the little fish pond, Skip and I, and a friend of ours.  We were talking until our attention was distracted by the sound of .... geese flying in formation over us.

There were quite a few of them... all flying in a 'V'.  I was in awe watching them.  I saw a space on one side of the 'V'... the space where maybe sometime in the past ... three geese may have flown ... until something happened to them.  I wondered if geese leave spaces open where their companions 'flew before'?  I am going to read up on this later.

We remarked on how geese are special in the way they mate for life... if something happens to one, the other doesn't mate again.  I want to read about this, too.  I am amazed by this.

I felt a sadness watching them fly while talking to each other.... that space I saw worried my mind.  I like for everything to be alright... I wished the space was filled with the geese that were missing.

I said a little prayer for the missing geese... my prayer was that the geese wherever they were ... never suffered if something happened to them.  If they were still living, I hoped they were happy.  This is silly to alot of people probably... but, nevertheless... this was how I felt.

I wished that space to have been filled by the missing geese.  I watched them fly until they were out of sight.  Skip and our friend were talking as my mind flew with them for several minutes... they never knew I was 'gone'.  :)))

Her World Is Going To Be Alright...

Her World Is Going To Be Alright...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

They sat by the little fish pond
Each the love of the other's life
Talking, laughing as they fed the fish

She looked up at the sky
Turned her head, she heard a rustling
She saw leaves flutter to the ground

It was fall time, their favorite time of the year
He'd been very ill, in the hospital
They were now, getting a start on fall things they loved to do

As they sat there, they spoke of having no one
No one but, themselves... she was there for him
His wife... he was there for her... her husband

She threw bread crumbs out over the water
He threw his bread crumbs, too
Many little fish came to the surface, little mouths feeding

As she listened to her husband's voice
She leaned back in her chair for a moment
Closed her eyes, felt the breeze... heard his voice

Felt the urge to go to sleep as the thought crossed her mind
It's so peaceful here, listening to the wind in the trees
Her husband's voice comforted her, soothed her to sleep

She woke in a moment, smiled at herself
I think my world is coming back together
Everything is going to be alright

They'd hit another rough time in their life
A storm threatened to overturn their boat
Threatened to take one away

To leave the other here alone in this big, old world
She looked up at the sky, thanked God
Thank you, God... for not taking Skip

He's all I got, he and the Pups
They are my whole life, I have no one else
Thank you, Lord... for not taking him away

She took a sigh of relief, many she's taken
Since the day he began to improve
When she knew he was going to be alright

Gloria smiled at him as they made plans
About things they wanted to do in the future
Yes, her world was going to be ... alright

The Light Of My World...

The Light Of My World...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This morning in the dark I saw a shadow
Of our home underneath the night light
I stood there and watched it... begin to disappear

As the sky grew brighter
I saw the light touch the shadow
Little by little ... to make it go away

I stood there silently
Tilted my head to the side
I was awed to see a shadow turn into light

The shadow was gone, there no more
My eyes searched for any traces
The light was there in its place

When I'm sad, worried
I notice that I do things like this
I notice things I usually don't

My eyes will find things I don't really think about
To focus on, to make 'me' stay here
Watching as I think about what to do next

That shadow has gone away
The light, the light is the key
It chases shadows away whenever I'm in the dark

I know darkness well
My life has been touched many times
By darkness that tried to trap me on that road

So, that I'd never come back to the light
Add all my energy to make it darker, take my soul
But... it never counted on Skip, our Pups being there

As a beacon (thank you, Colleen), as a beacon shining
On that road, guiding me toward the light
Lighting that path up so, I could see

Chasing those shadows away, making my path clear
I came out of that darkness in time
I looked for the light, followed it

To make it here in today
I still see shadows such as the one I watched this morning
The light chased it away, I watched it go

It made me think of my light
Skip and our Pups who light up my world
Who chase shadows away, make me feel safe, not afraid

Go away shadows, go away
Please don't come back to make me afraid
If you do... the light of my world... will chase you away

Note:  I thought of two of my blogging friends as I wrote this... I associate 'beacon' with Colleen who told me that Skip and the Pups are my beacon.  I thought of Subhan who writes about the light.  I'm honored to have them as my friends.  :)))

Here, I Cry For Mine...

Here, I Cry For Mine...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Somewhere, someone is crying over losing someone
Crying, grieving their hearts out in such pain
Here, someone ... does the same

My son is gone, he died one day
He fell to the sand, took his last breath
As he looked at the ocean, the sky, his little son

I know someone else's son has gone away
Maybe someone caused their death
Or they were involved in a crash

It doesn't matter in the end, a son has died
A mother's heart is broken, torn apart
By the most deepest of grief, deepest of pain

Her child is gone, the child she brought into the world
The son she always knew would be there for her
Has gone away... gone away forever

He won't be there on holidays while other sons are
No happy smiles of pleasure when holiday meals are eaten
This mother's son won't be there, he'll never be there again

Grief, honestly sometimes a little anger fill this mother's heart
This mother doesn't question 'why?', why would she?
She's not going to get an answer, no one can tell her why

How can I get through the coming holidays
Be strong, everyone says.......... can you be so strong, I wonder?
I say it's easier to tell someone that if you've never lost a son

Don't tell me that, I don't want to hear it
My existence now, is pure proof that I've been strong
Just care quietly, you don't have to say anything

I can hurt while I'm strong, I won't go hide from pain
I will meet it head-on, cry if I need to
I've known pain all my life, but... I never lost a son before

I've lost almost every member of my family, but... never a son
My only child is gone, this is a whole different ballgame
I should have been the one to go first while he lived his life out

He should have lived to be a grandfather, the father he was
Of two precious children, though he was close to but, one
His little son should have grown up to have his daddy

Tommy's gone, Taban doesn't have his daddy
My son's gone, I don't have a child anymore
Somewhere a mother cries for her child... here, I cry for mine

I miss you, son... Love, Mama

The Pain, Grief Is Always There... I Have To Stay On Guard

The Pain, Grief Is Always There... I Have To Stay On Guard

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Ged

We spent time in Skip's study today.  Skip was moving his photos around while taking a soft cloth to dust each.  He took the Bible from the bookcase and looked through it while I was arranging some books.

"You put this here", Skip said.  I was curious as to what I had put in the Bible.  I couldn't remember what in the world it could be.  I looked toward his hands to see the Bible opened to the white pages at the front.

I could see something was taped to one of the white pages.  I couldn't imagine what it could be.  He handed the Bible to me, as I looked at what was taped to the white page, I had to sit down in his desk chair.

I felt the worst pain in my heart... an old familiar pain.  I felt the overwhelming need to cry.  Tears began pouring from my eyes, I tried to hold them back.

Oh God, that hurt so bad.  I was trying to read the paper that was taped inside our Bible.  I read it but, I couldn't tell you at this moment what that paper said.

For moments it felt like I was in the past... that serious, deep pain was inside my heart... I felt the darkness again.  I quit smiling, I was crying inside.  I felt 'lost, disoriented' .....

The paper that was taped inside the Bible was an obituary... oh my God... it was my own son's obituary.  Oh my God, my heart began hurting so much... I slipped into the darkness again.  I was overwhelmed with grief.  I had to give the Bible back to Skip.

I fought to not stay in that darkness, I pulled the curtain back so, I could come back to the sunlight... thankfully, I had entered only a short distance.

I was going to be alright.  I felt such an overwhelming feeling of missing my son that tore at my very soul.  I told Skip, "Skip, I miss Tommy so badly."  Skip understood, he has missed Tommy, also.

I put my head down on my hands, my elbows rested on Skip's desk.  I began rubbing my eyes, my temples.  I tried to rub the pain away I was experiencing.

Skip began talking to me about different things ... thankfully, I got past this... I got past the storm that threatened to ruin this beautiful day.  There was a time, I wouldn't have come out of it, I wouldn't have seen my way to come in out of the storm of grief.

Later, the sun began shining again as I got busy doing things, listened to Skip as he talked.  I also, got past this storm being so thankful that Skip is getting stronger every day.

I made it through this storm...  I am still in the sunlight.  I'm afraid of that darkness that reached out to envelope me.  I don't want to go back there... it's too easy to get lost.  The pain, grief is there always waiting for me... I always have to be on guard.

It's A Beautiful Day!

It's A Beautiful Day!

ARTWORK by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee....2012.....................................................


Good Sunday Morning.....
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Today is a new day... Sunday!  It's one more day closer to Skip being recovered from all he has been through.  He has a great attitude... he's ready to go.

Have you noticed lately ... happy colors are beginning to show up when you 'see me'?  I am feeling them once again.  Life is feeling good again.  Not only that... I have found that there's so much I have to be thankful for.

I have taken many deep breaths of relief.... I know things could have been ....

I have noticed that there are people whom have become more special to me during the past  couple of weeks.... you know... 'the forever places in my heart' I wrote about.  I don't know if they realize it... but, that's not the point.  I will always remember them, I won't forget.  They mean the world to me... now.  I think that's what is important on my part.

I see the sunshine is brightening the morning, a gentle breeze is blowing, and I hear birds singing.  I think they are beckoning me, beckoning me to come outside.... "Come on outside with us, Gloria... it's a beautiful day!"

I hear, feel the beauty of this day.... I am going to open doors and windows today to receive the beautiful, fresh air.  I think I heard the wind chimes call my name.... "what did they say?"

"Hurry, Gloria, come outside so, we can play our happy sounds for you today, get through in the house and come outside with us!  It's a beautiful day!"

ARTWORK by Gloria Faye Brown Bates........ 2012

He's Back!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I've been sitting here this morning thinking... Skip and the Pups are still resting.  I'm thinking about doing something different on my blog later... such as adding some of my own little drawings, artwork on my blog... using my own work ...for my pictures.

Skip just walked down the hall into the living room.  I could hear a smile in his voice as he said, "I knew you were on the computer!"  I loved hearing that!  That sounds 'like Skip!'

Skip is feeling, looking so much better.  I think the kidney stone may have passed yesterday morning.  He hasn't been in pain since.  It was a small one so, I think while he was on the medicine he may not have felt it.

Skip isn't used to taking medicine like that.... and I'm sure I don't want it unless I'm hurting bad!  In Rex Emergency, he was given pain medicine twice... I watched Skip's face.  His eyes soon began looking around him like 'what's happening!'

I remember laughing, because months ago, I had to have pain medicine when I suffered a bout of diverticulitis.  Oh my God!  I would have never accepted it if I wasn't desperate for relief!

I do remember I did begin smiling (like an idiot, I'm sure.... everybody began smiling, laughing back at me).  When the nurses, doctor would come and go... I remember.... I would grin at them and wave to them with ....................(I'm embarassed!)....... with my little finger!  :)))

I became aware that my little finger wanted to wave... who has ever heard of that!  I would hold my hand up in front of my face, and let that little finger wave!

Skip didn't do any 'crazy' things while on the medicine, he was too sick... he'd just gotten out of the hospital the day before.  He did go to sleep almost right away.  His body had been through so much.

Anyway, I think when under the effects of the pain medicine ... the kidney stone may have passed.  I think I know when it did.

I, now, know the symptoms of a kidney stone..... Skip began experiencing severe pain in his right side, it radiated on around into his back... his urine began to have alot of blood in it (I almost fainted when I saw that!).  That's when I took him straight back to the hospital.

Thankfully, I didn't waste any time... he could have experienced other symptoms such as fever, chills... even to the extent of a blockage in his kidneys... that would be life-threatening.

Men may joke about kidney stones, but, pay attention... you can see in their faces they don't joke about the horrible pain associated with it.  They 'know' how bad it hurts... they don't forget 'that pain'.

Skip has three friends who have had them.... they've all related their stories of what they experienced.  It was bad pain.... they all compare it to a woman in labor having a baby.

Skip looks so much 'like Skip' this morning.... he sounds so much 'like my Skip'..... I'm thinking though he's still weak, that 'he's back!'

Forever Places In My Heart... Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Forever Places In My Heart...  Actions Speak Louder Than Words

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Skip is resting comfortably at this time... the pain is at bay.  He is in the 'waiting mode'... waiting for the 'passing'.... of a kidney stone.

He isn't in discomfort at this time.  If he does begin to experience discomfort... I will go on 'high alert'... I will take him back to Rex Hospital.

The Pups are calm, they are laying close by.  They know 'their Skip isn't suffering at this moment'... they can rest, they can relax.

When Skip isn't well, they become very agitated... Kissy begins pacing, he begins 'hunting' for something imaginary as he walks the floor.  He'll run to to Skip, jump up on the couch to lay beside him after.....

He gets comfortable.  Kissy goes through a routine to get comfortable... it can be painful to us sometimes, :))).  He will step on us with all his muscular weight, he will lay down on top of us as he tries to find a comfortable spot.

For now, Skip is weak... and has to protect himself.  Kissy will lay down at his feet.... after he walks on Skip.  I have to help him to be gentle for now.  Kissy is still a puppy.... he is a giant puppy though!

Chadwick will raise up to look Skip in the face to give him the most gentle kisses one could possibly get in this life.  His heart shows in his soft, brown eyes .... he wants his Skip to be alright.

For a moment I stopped.... I am hearing the special tones of my wind chimes as the wind flows through them to make them ring.  How so beautiful.  I can even hear the sound of the wind.  I look out to appreciate the sunlight.  What a beautiful day!  I haven't noticed them lately... I've been afraid, I've been so worried.  My world has been upside down.

I turn in my desk chair, look around the living room... I see my whole world in front of my eyes.  I just felt a part of my world tug at me.... it was Chadwick with his soft, brown eyes come to take his paw to touch me.  He likes to be reassured.

For the moment I feel at peace with the world, the first moment since two weeks ago when Skip became very ill.  I've lived in fear, truthfully.  I sat here trying to think of 'something prettier' to call it..... I'll just tell you like it's been.  I've been very afraid for Skip.

Today... he is so much better from the other things... but, he still has the kidney stone that can/will act up anytime.  He has to get this behind him... he'll feel like a new man.

For two years, we've learned that Skip has been on medicines that 'were bad for him'....... could be good for someone else... but, not him.  The medicines are responsible for him getting in the condition he was in, making him very ill.

I'm happy to say that now.... with the doctors he has, the medical treatment he has received.... I can see, I can feel he's going to be alright.

Don't worry... I 'am' keeping a very close eye on him.  I know you do, too.... when it's in your very immediate world... your loved ones.

I think we all are guardian angels when it comes to our loved ones... we go into a mode where we'll protect, defend, care for them when they are at their weakest.  I will fight for my world, I will protect to the best of my ability.  I know you will, too.

I've learned several things since Skip has been sick.... I've learned that Tommy was 'always there' to help us if we needed him.... we helped him if he needed it.

I miss Tommy, I have no one 'there' now... that I can go to in private to ask for help.  Tommy, Skip and I could do that 'knowing' everything was going to be alright when we needed money, we needed anything when we were at our weakest.... and we didn't want the 'world' to know.  I miss my son with my heart.

This is the first time since Tommy has been gone that a crisis has happened... it truly brought home how alone I am in this world if I didn't have Skip and our Pups.  That's quite a thing to realize, it almost takes my breath away.

I have to take care of Skip, our Pups... my whole being loves them.  They are 'why' I made it through losing Tommy... they wouldn't let go of me.  I surely would have died if they had let me slip away into where I was at in my mind.

I had no feelings left to care if I lived or died.  I didn't ... feel at all.  Everything went away leaving me in the darkest of dark... I've never experienced darkness like that.

My sunshine, my life... my world.... I can look around and see what makes it up at this very moment.  How thankful, how fortunate I am to have them.

Maybe that's why the windchimes are ringing, the sun is shining, I'm feeling peace at this moment... I am sitting here appreciating, and thinking how thankful, grateful I am.  I can never-ever take anything for granted.... I've lost too much in this world... I've learned that in the most painful ways.

I was going to write a humorous story today but, this is what I ended up doing.  I'm just writing from my heart... no funny, silly things.  I was going to write about 'no, he's not having a baby'... and the funny things that is said about having kidney stones.  I just know I could write a hilarious story... but, for now, I can't.

Life's too serious... too real for now.  I couldn't be funny now, if I wanted to be.... it would be a 'put on'.  Maybe later.

Oh... I learned something new during this time... we have several people whom I call real friends now.  They have been there this whole time.  Calling everyday, wanting to know if I got home from the hospital safely.... they all have a place in my heart ...forever.

Ms Nancy... you all know Ms Nancy has always been there for me.  I am for her.  She's been there for me all this time.  You've always had a 'forever place' in my heart, Ms Nancy.

Facebook friends, family... my readers, my friends on my blogs... you've all been there... you all have 'forever places' in my heart.  You all mean the world to me.

There was an instance I was given a little money to make sure I had gas to take Skip back to the hospital if/when I need to.  I will never forget that... never.  I'm no one to that person... only a real friend... if he ever needed us... we will always be there for him.  He made a place in my heart... forever.

Actually, now that I think about it......... I haven't been alone at all... only in my ... mind.  Being so private has its drawbacks at times like these... I've never known how to say 'help me'... 'I need something'... I've always went without ... I never wanted to take something someone else might need for themselves.

It would hurt my heart to know someone did without to give to me.  I learned this living as a little girl at Grandma Alma, and George's. If I ask for help... I really am desperate.

One of the things that taught me this is when I drank some of the milk that was for my Grandma Alma.. later someone else came behind me who was a child, also.... and drank it all up.  I was blamed for it....

George was so upset that my Grandma Alma didn't have milk (she was sick, paralyzed).... I learned not to 'see milk' in the refrigerator over time.

Skip is amazed that I never see milk in our refrigerator now.  I never drank milk unless 'reminded'.  It's like alcohol, I don't drink..... so, I would never miss it for the rest of my life.... I would never miss ... milk.

Our Pups were here, our special neighbors who are our friends were here... they watched out for me.  You know they made a forever place in my heart.

I keep in my mind someone who came to the hospital to see Skip.... I was amazed to see him when he just appeared at the door to Skip's hospital room.

I smiled, felt such caring toward him as I invited him in.  He came to see Skip.  I remember looking at him and saying "I'm so glad you came to see Skip".  Do you know what he said to me?

He said, "actions speak louder than words'.  At that very moment, he made his place in my heart... forever.

Guardian Angels...

Guardian Angels...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I am on alert this morning.  Kissy came to wake me up this morning at 5:20 am.  He got up on the bed, hit me with his big foot (he did what we call 'big-footed me')  ... and barked.  I woke up, watched him in the nightlight.  He doesn't do this unless something is outside, something is going on closeby.

Kissy sat for a moment looking toward the bedroom door... I 'knew' his attention was on something.  I got up, he barked again.  As I came closer to the door to enter the hall, he jumped off the bed in front of me.  I had to follow him up the hall.

We went to the living room where I saw Skip sitting in his recliner holding a plastic hospital container he brought home with him yesterday.  He was nauseated.

He told me he had been up since 1:00 a.m. hurting in his right side.  I took his BP, and temperature.  I, also, called the hospital.  For now, Skip is comfortably resting on the couch where I put his soft pillows... and covered him up in cosy bedcovers.  I just looked over at him... he is resting quietly.

I made him promise not to get up sick again... without waking me up.  He understands I need to know what is going on with him 'in case' he has to go back to the hospital.  I am recording everything on paper 'just in case'... this way all is more accurate... if we have to go back.

I am his 'guardian angel' in life... I will watch over him.  I like to think Tommy is his guardian angel in the afterlife looking over him.

I look at Skip at this very moment... he is sleeping quietly.  He seems to be resting comfortably.  Kissy did want to lay on top of him... for now, he can't.  :)))

Kissy is tight against my feet, laying on my blanket as I sit here and type.  Chadwick wanted to stay close to Skip... he is now, sleeping on the loveseat.

They are worried about their Skip.  They are his 'guardian angels', also.  I loved that Kissy woke me up to come to Skip... I loved that Chadwick stayed near Skip.

I may stay awake alittle longer, when I feel it's okay... I will nap closeby Skip.  We 'guardian angels' have to stay on the alert... our special somebody needs us... we need him.  I love you, Skip.

I Think I Have Just Turned Into A Rainbow!

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... 2012 ...GBB

I Think I Have Just Turned Into A Rainbow!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Good morning ...  lately it seems I'm more into writing about 'today'.  That's because my present life has changed so much in the past two weeks.  My whole world... almost crumbled.

The definition of 'my whole world' is simply ..... Skip, our two Pups.  Tommy used to be part of 'my whole world'... Tommy is gone now... for so long dark colors ruled my world.  Happy colors have come back in my world until... just recently.  

That means ...my whole world became more precious to me.  I, now know.... that things can happen to take away 'our whole world'.  Therefore... my whole world has become more precious... than precious.

Yes, I am writing about what is really happening 'today' in my life because for now... I can for this time.... 'feel, see, know' what has changed in my life.  For now, I can't go back into the past to find things I want to tell you, to write about.  

Life is playing out at the moment... it makes me feel, see, know that I could have lost Skip... my whole world.  At this moment in my life... I have cried again, hurt again, and have been afraid.  

Those dark colors have tried to crush all the happy colors in my life... once again.  I don't know how I would have survived such....

I just felt a cold nose nudge my elbow while I sit here... it brought my mind back from 'going down the road of 'I don't know how I would have survived such'.  That was Chadwick running back inside from the pet door... goodness, his coat feels... cold!  

Thank you, Chadwick... now, my mind will think about the happy things.  Skip is getting so much better!  Skip....... could come home today!  

My heart just turned into a big sun... emitting such golden, yellow rays.... I hope you can 'feel' it.... it feels 'that big!'  

If it possible, I hope ( I wish I were a magical creature, I would make wonderful things happen!)....... if possible, I hope it touches every person that reads my words at this very moment.....  their life in a wonderful way to make good things happen in their life!  

I would share my happiness in this way... if possible!  I would keep happiness 'going'.  Just suppose... happiness could keep spreading that way... by thoughts, feelings inside one's heart!  

Just suppose, that my 'sunshine heart' emitting such golden, yellow rays... is doing that... somehow in a magical way.  Then..... then in return.... your magical hearts began spreading such special happiness to all your loved ones, friends!  Wonderful, good things could begin happening!

Last night, this morning... when Skip called me from his hospital bed... Skip's voice is .... back to being Skip's strong voice!  You can't imagine how my heart felt hearing that... wait a minute, I bet you 'do imagine' how my heart felt... you all just read my words.  :)))  

Colors!  I'm feeling my happy colors again!  I think I just turned into a ... rainbow!  Soft, wonderful colors are beginning to come out again. :)))

My World Is Split Between The Hospital, Home Tonight... Last Night I Had This Terrible Dream...

My World Is Split Between The Hospital, Home Tonight... Last Night I Had This Terrible Dream....

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Tonight I have taken a lot of sighs of relief... I think Skip is finally going to be alright.  He is in the hospital where he's been most of the day.

Skip's blood pressure has been so high, tonight it came down to normal.  So many people sent us prayers through Facebook, emails.

I can't tell you what knowing those prayers being said.... meant.  I still can't say in words how special they are.  I watched Skip as I read them to him on my Iphone... I saw his eyes.

His eyes showed me how much it meant knowing that people who didn't know him, people that knew him... cared.  He really cared that you all cared about him... it meant more than you know.

I know that made all the difference in him getting better tonight.  Thank you everyone from my heart, it means the world to me.  You all brought a smile to Skip's face.  I know it helped his heart as he was having irregular heart rhythms.

Skip is so amazed that people all over the world read my blog, correspond with me.... and more amazed that they cared about him, not knowing him in person... but, through my blogs.  I'm so proud of that.

I have been so afraid for weeks now... remember how I've written alot about death?  Now... I know 'why'.

Last night I had this terrible dream I want to tell you about..... in my dream this is what happened:

Skip and I sat in a van... it didn't have a 'nose'.... you know like where the motor goes.  It was 'flat' in front.  We sat in a van parked at a restaurant... the front of the van was about six inches from the brick exterior part of the building.

I said, "Skip, don't park so close to the building.  People are looking out the window at us now.  Our headlights are shining drawing their attention."

Skip backed up... pulled back up to the brick wall adjoined to the building... he hit the bricks breaking them into pieces.  I watched the bricks as they began to fall.  I was in shock, I looked at Skip, and saw a blank expression on his face.

"Skip, why did you break the brick wall?  Those people are looking out at us!"  Skip never said a word, he calmly opened the door, stepped out and began to walk away ... until I didn't see him somehow.

I opened my door quickly, ran to find Skip.  I couldn't find Skip!  I was in tears as I ran around the restaurant... strangely enough there was a path all around... trees were grown almost up to the building.  As I ran on that path, several kittens were startled... they began to run.  I ran around the building..........

All of a sudden I was at a cookout.... a huge cookout.  Lots of people were eating... they were sitting at picnic tables smiling, laughing, talking.  I couldn't find Skip as I made my way through many happy faces, many picnic tables.

When I woke up, I was afraid.  I turned over to see if Skip was alright.  He wasn't in bed.  I got up, I could hear his voice talking baby-talk to the Pups in the kitchen... I met him coming through the hall.  "Good morning, Baby Girl ( :))) he always says that!)"

I was so glad to see him... I had woke up from looking for him, I had woke up ... afraid.

Skip took his blood pressure and it was almost perfect.  He recorded it for the cardiologist he'd just been to see.  His blood pressure was stabilizing, had been for the past two days.  We were so happy.

Today, he went to the doctor... his blood pressure had went up to 197/111.  I took him straight to the emergency room where they kept him, he's there tonight.  He had a CT scan, EKG, blood work done, and a X-ray, and when I left late tonight... he was given a new blood pressure medicine.  He may have an MRI, and more tests tomorrow.

When I got home, I called back... his blood pressure had come back down to normal.  I felt tears in my eyes... do you know how thankful I am.  I know all of your prayers made a miracle happen.

Skip has been awfully sick this past week... I think something really bad was 'just before' happening, I really do.

Tonight... I did as my cousin Pete told me to do.... 'take a deep breath'.  Hey Pete, I have taken a lot of them out of relief.  I was so afraid... I was so very afraid.  Thank you for caring, too.

Our Pups were glad to see me when I got home.  Our neighbor so kindly waited on his porch to make sure I got into the house safely.... thank-you so much. That meant the world to me... it made Skip feel comfort, ease of mind knowing you were looking out for me.

One of our friends made me promise to call her when I got home safely.... thank you for caring.   I told Skip, and it made him feel good later, when I called back to the hospital.

You both brought comfort to my heart... I think I really needed that.  I was thinking I was all alone... do you know... you both touched my heart deeply.

Well, I am going to bed now.... my world is split between the hospital, home tonight.  I have the Pups here at home.... I so, hope Skip comes home tomorrow... then, my world will be whole again.  I know everything is going to be alright.

It means the very world to have all of you to talk to.  Thank you for being 'there'.  You just don't know how much it means to me.

Love, Gloria/Granny Gee :)))

Express Yourself, Kissy!

Express Yourself, Kissy!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Express yourself!  Express yourself!
Wiggle, waggle, wiggle, waggle, wig, wig! wig!
Express yourself!  Express yourself, Kissy!

Kissy is turning around, and around in a circle
Express yourself, Kissy!  You big, strong wiggly Pup!
Let me spank that tail, spank that tail!

Come here you big rascal!  Express yourself!
Kissy!  Kissy! Kissy!  Kiss, Kiss, Kiss!
Oh-hhhh, oh-hhhhhh!  Let me kiss you, Kissy!

Kissy turns around in a circle, wiggling, waggling his little tail
Come here, Kissy!  I want to kiss you!
He comes so, I can kiss him but....

Kissy can't stop moving, he wiggles, he waggles
One big, strong, happy Pup
Wiggles, waggles knowing he's loved very much!


NOTE:

Kissy, our almost 2 year old Rottie, began 'expressing himself' a year and half ago.  The commercial on tv started it all.... when he hears one of us say 'express yourself' he will jump up and grab a chew or toy... come running to us.

He will begin running in a happy circle while I take my hands and gently touch his back.... as he runs around and around!  Kissy loves to express him... he loves to butt his sweet big head against my legs as runs around.

After he expresses himself, he'll run to lay down... and happily chew his chew-chew!

Creative Cremation... 'Benson' Is At It Again!'

Creative Cremation... 'Benson' Is At It Again!


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

'Benson'....... has done it 'again'!  No, it isn't funny, not if you know 'Benson'.  He believes everything he says... he has mastered the impossible in his life.  We never let him know we don't believe 'everything' he says.

We would never hurt his feelings.  Because ... really, 'Benson' is a nice guy, he wants to be loved, he wants to be important... and 'Benson's' mind may not be quite right.  We wouldn't hurt him for the world... we honestly care about him.

We were talking to our friends, they told us about 'Benson's' 'last wishes
 before he is cremated'... my mouth did drop open.  Is he serious?

They couldn't wait to relate the latest on 'Benson'.  Now, we couldn't believe this.  It's true though... 'Benson' called us on the home phone and talked to me.  Usually he'll talk to Skip... but, Skip was resting.  He hasn't been well for the past week.

He related to me that he'd instructed his next of kin about his last wishes... 'before' he was ... cremated.

No, I'm not laughing at 'Benson'.... 'Benson' means every word he says... even when he tells us the 'wonderful, impossible things he does'.  'We know that sometimes these things... just can't be ... true'.

It seems 'Benson' has decided he wants to 'look good' before he's cremated.  The years of neglect have taken its toll on 'Benson'.  His hair has become thin, his thin body is fragile, his teeth have decayed, he needs glasses... he squints all the time.

'Benson' has been doing alot of thinking while indulging in his love for the spirits.  He's decided he 'wants to look good 'before' he is cremated'.....

He wants... to (I'm serious, now!).... he wants to 'improve his grill'... this is in 'Benson's' own words!  He said he is tired of looking in the mirror, seeing no teeth.  He says it's like looking at the expression of a .... jack 'o lantern!!!

He said he just couldn't die looking that way.  He said .... "it's time for me to be pretty!"  I listened to him on the phone, thinking 'our friends were right!'  He really said those things.  I kept listening...

'Benson', you do know you are going to be cremated, right?  I asked him this question.  I also, asked him if he really knew what cremation was.  "Hell yeah, I know what cremation is!  You don't think I'm stupid, do you?"

By now... I'm grinning as I hold the phone in my hand... I'm glad he can't see me.  I began speaking to him in a very nice voice ... so, as not to offend.  I ask 'Benson' this question... "Benson, why do you wait just before you are cremated to get new dentures?"

'Benson's' reply was ..."because I want to grin at everybody!"  I asked him 'why?  He said he didn't want to have underwear on either... that he wanted to be placed in his casket face down... have a sign telling everyone to "kiss his ass goodbye!"

My next question was ...."how will you be able to grin at everyone?"  He replied... "I'm going to have to have them turn my head around backwards!"

"Why in the world would you do that, 'Benson', why?"  He told me this...
"I want to watch everyone kiss my ass goodbye!"  I am wanting to begin laughing out loud but, I don't....

"Okay, now... I have another question for you, 'Benson'.  You do know you are wanting to be .... cremated... right?"

"That's right, I want to be cremated!"  By now, I want to ask 'Benson' what he thinks cremation is....

'Benson' tells me what his definition of cremation is..... he begins telling me that it means to be 'creative in how he wants his remains disposed of... and that 'before' he is 'burned in hell'... he wants everyone to kiss his ass goodbye!'  He said it's called... 'creative cremation'!!!

I don't know about anyone else, but... I thought this funny!  :)))  He 'did know' what cremation was.... he just wanted to have alittle creativity going on!  Benson's very intelligent... but, sometimes 'he thinks differently from us!'

His Big, Gentle Hands Might Be Holding A Kitten...

His Big, Gentle Hands Might Be Holding A Little Kitten...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I know now, that when I walk to the little fish pond I will have a new thought in my mind... one that wasn't there before.

You see ... a little kitten died there the other night.  A little kitten that no one will miss.  I don't know 'which' one... there were many kittens close by.  They all were born several months ago.

We would see them huddled up together on the warm sand in the driveway at nights.  My heart would squeeze with caring... I remember the wild cats and their babies I used to faithfully feed... if I didn't get to, Skip would feed them.  They touched our hearts deeply.

Skip and I chose dogs for our pets... but, we learned to love cats and 'see them' when we looked at them.  They all had feelings, expressions.. too.  I tried not to let the cats, their babies touch my heart... but, touch it... they did in such a way that bring tears.

I've watched these beautiful, little kittens here in the new place we moved to one and a half years ago.... I have stood back afar.  I don't want to get close to them, nor pick up one to hold its little warm body to my heart... and look into its eyes.

I can... not... do it.  It would melt my heart... I wouldn't be able to let go of it.  Precious little kittens, innocent, not knowing how cruel life will be... they've only begun to learn to survive.

Like the other night... when the coyotes came.  Skip has been sick for some time... it caught up with him a week ago... each day we walk down to the fish pond, or at Walmart so, I can pick up things I need.  We walked down to the fish pond yesterday.  We saw many coyotes tracks!  Not only that....

We could see where scuffling of some sort had went on near the edge of the pond.  My mind didn't want to think of what happened here.  One little innocent kitty that no one will miss, nor remember... sailed into heaven the other night ...  when the coyotes came.

I remembered that little kitten in my story called 'It Never Had A Chance'.  I couldn't get the thought of that little kitten out of my mind... I don't even know what its little face looked like.

The image that comes to my mind is... a little 'huddle of about twenty kittens' on the warm sand each night.  I saw them from a distance... so precious, so.............. I ... can ... not... go close to them, I would have to try to cuddle, hold them close.  I love cats ... now.

Who would have believed?  Gloria has become a .... 'cat lover', too.  Though I wouldn't choose a cat for my pet... I have grown to love them, want to protect them.  I will do both.

When I walk down to the little fish pond now... that little faceless kitten will always be in my mind.

I will look out over the little fish pond... try to see 'where' that little kitten sailed into heaven that night.  I will do just as I tried to do.. to find Tommy.

Feel with my hands, try to find a opening that is invisible to the eye... that leads to heaven.  If I find it, I will walk to the invisible door... turn the invisible door knob that can only be 'felt'.

I will walk up the invisible steps that only my feet can feel, no one can see with the eye...  go to the top of the stairs and peep.  Stand there quietly to see all the soft, white figures walk by me... I might see Tommy, the little kitten in his big, gentle hands walk toward me.... a big smile on Tommy's face because... Tommy loved kittens.  Tommy had a cat named... Bailey.  We never know... kittens might go to 'our heaven', too.

Yes, Tommy might be holding that little kitten in his big, gentle hands... smiling.  He might say... "I'm so glad to see you, little kitten".  I miss you, Son.

UPDATE ON MY SPRINT INTERNET...and CELLPHONE SERVICE

 This week my internet, cellphone has had intermittent service... it quit working Wednesday evening.  On Monday is when the problems began.... it would quit working, come back on at that time. 

Nine phone calls, several hours on the housephone... we still don't have service.  No one does in our area with Sprint service.

It will come on for a few moments, disappear.  I understand that the only one tower here controls both our internet, cellphone (and the numerous people on it).  That means alot of people are out of service. 

It seems there are so many people on this one tower that something has to be done... they are trying to work on it.  I understand from my many phone calls that it's a nationwide problem.  I'm told they need to update everything.

One supervisor went so far as to tell us to call customer service and get out of our contract, and get another provider.  We aren't going to do that.  We like Sprint

I'll keep you, my readers/audience updated as I'll come to the library to use the computer.  If somehow the internet comes on this weekend... I will publish my next story.  If not, it'll be Monday before I do.

Thank you for understanding, and I hope you won't give up on me.  I'm very upset over this... but, I'm going to be patient.  I know ......
everything will be alright yet.  

I miss all of you... I miss writing, answering my emails, comments from you all.  I'll see you on Monday.  :)))

Love, Granny Gee/Gloria Faye Brown Bates

It Never Had A Chance...

NOTE:  I wrote this to remember a little kitten I didn't know, but... now shed tears for... I cared with my heart.
             Granny Gee will always remember this little faceless kitten when she stands at the edge of the little
             fish pond.
 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

They came in the still of the night
To sneak up on the new litter of kittens
That huddled together in a group

Huddled for safety, huddled for warmth
Warmth meant comfort, protection
The little kittens sat there in the night

Until... the coyotes came
The coyotes came from the woods close by
Running silently, a kitten noticed, meowed in alarm

The kittens scattered, the coyotes chased
They all got away... but, one
 The little kitten ran so fast into the air

In the air... the kitten never had a chance to understand
That the ground beneath its feet...  wasn't there anymore
The little kitten dropped...  into the cold water of the little fish pond

Swim, little kitten, swim for your life
Try as hard as it could, the little kitten succumbed to the water
Too cold, in shock...  The little kitten never felt a thing

When I look at the little fish pond, I cry silently
My tears are for the little kitten who never had a chance
Life...  can be cruel that way  

Fly, Dragonfly... Fly

Fly,  Dragonfly... Fly



By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee



I stood there watching the little girl
as she smiled brightly, skipped along her way



I saw her tilt her pretty little head of curls
to look down at a dragonfly that sat perched on a flower



Fly little dragonfly, fly
I heard her little girl voice say



I want to fly with you but, I can only skip and jump
I can't go up in the air like you can



Her face glowed with happiness as it soared off into the air
her eyes twinkled with sunshine lights as she watched



She began to wave her little arms, for a moment I
thought she would fly

up into the sky with that little dragonfly



No, she didn't fly, but... if she could have
this little girl would have soared with her very heart



With that dragonfly to wherever it went
saying... fly, dragonfly... fly!

Note To My Readers... From Granny Gee/Gloria

My internet connectivity isn't possible now, hasn't been since yesterday.  I've contacted my internet provider and was told it could take up to 48 hours to fix.

I will be back here just as soon as possible.  I've missed writing and look forward to being 'normal' again.

Love, Granny Gee/Gloria :))))))))

I Wish We Could Play Now... With Our Paints Of Happy Colors!

I Wish We Could Play Now... With Our Paints Of Happy Colors!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Two little girls playing in a makeshift playhouse.  One little girl is very thin, pretty.  Her hair has been plaited.  The other little girl is a little chubby, pretty girl.  Her hair is curly.

"Let's make pies!"  the little girl with the plaited hair said.  She was the oldest, what she said usually was done.  The little chubby girl named Faye, was agreeable.  She was agreeable to most things.  She was happy to have someone play with her.

Faye, and the little slender girl, first cousins loved each other very much as children.  Time to time they would have a fuss, but, usually all would be alright again.

They tired of playing in the playhouse making pies.  They walked around in Grandma Alma and George's yard trying to think of what to do next.

The grapevine!  They ran to the grapevine, crawled beneath the vines and sat in the middle where it was clear.  They could see out but, no one could really see in.

Faye, and her cousin sat there talking about all their secrets, their fears, life.  Their dreams of what they wanted when they... grew up.

They had been placed at Grandma Alma and George's like all the children were when 'thrown away'.  We were thrown to hell where Grandma Alma, George lived.  Grandma Alma, George were 'angels' trapped in hell.

Faye didn't want her to go away.  She fear afraid inside.  Her little brother, Billy, had been taken away from her.  She wasn't old enough to know what 'Wisconsin' was, 'why' he was gone.  'Why' their daddy had become ...his daddy now.  She had no daddy no more...... she did know that her life was no longer the same.

She was in hell, though at the time she didn't know it was called that.  Mean, bad things went on here.... just out of sight of Grandma Alma and George's eyes (though George was blind).....

There was real fear in her mind.  They had heard the grownups talk... her cousin, and her siblings were going to be leaving... where to, she didn't know.

That was the last time Faye remembered sitting down to talk to her cousin.... under the grapevine, where they shared all their secrets, trusting and loving one another with their very hearts.

They wanted always to play with each other... but, soon she was gone.  No one thought Faye important enough to explain what had happened, 'why' her cousin was gone.  Through the years, this was another person Faye cried silently in her heart for.  Pain... Faye knew pain very well for a child.

In today's time.... 'Faye' and her first cousin talk by phone now.  Both of them do artwork.  Painting, drawing .... playing in colors... happy colors.  They have said they wished they could play again, play long as they wanted to... play in their paints of happy colors.... always.

As much as they wish to... it isn't possible.  Faye lives on the east coast, while Linda lives on the west coast.  Through time, they've been separated by distance.... but, Faye never forgot the time when they wanted to play together.... and still wishes now, that she could.  She never knew that her cousin grew up to share her love for drawing, painting... happy colors.

Oh, how Faye wishes she could play with her cousin 'now'.... with their paints of happy colors!  :)))


Link to my story on Authors.com: 
http://www.authors.com/profiles/blogs/paints-of-happy-colors

Mystery Solved...

Mystery Solved...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I woke up during the night, I looked up to the ceiling.  The room seemed full of light.  I was looking at the moon!  I was seeing the sky!  I was seeing ...stars!

I laid there watching until I fell back to sleep.  For years I had this dream... it seemed so real.  The sky was full of stars, and the moon bright.  It always was one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had.  Everything was so real.

I could see my cousins all asleep around me.  I had spent the night with them.  We were all children, we all slept any old way in the big beds.

Through the years I have thought about this dream, how real it was.  I have replayed it back through my mind.

Not so long ago, I was talking to someone who began talking about the sky, about sleeping under the sky at night while the rooms were being built onto the house at my cousins!

I instantly began telling about my dream to them.  They began laughing at me... "why, Gloria, that won't no dream, that really happened!"  I did stand there with my mouth opened... in amazement.

I began laughing also, and was so happy to have solved a many-years mystery in my mind.  I never could understand 'why' that dream was so ...real.  Now, I know.

Thank-you for solving something that has puzzled me.  I sure enjoyed talking to you that Saturday when we stopped at a yard sale.  You'll know who you are when I give this hint........ "sh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhh, not so loud."
:))))))))))

Welcome Fall Time, I've Been Waiting For You...

Welcome Fall Time, I've Been Waiting For You...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I walk outside to feel the beautiful Fall day
Oh my, how cool it is!
I watch the leaves fall as raindrops land on them

Yellow, red, green, brown leaves flutter to the ground
Making a beautiful, colorful carpet
For my feet to walk on, my eyes to enjoy

Colors of Fall time, happy colors for me
Warm colors that I feel inside to warm my soul
Fall time is here, I'm so happy to see it come

This is just the beginning, there's lots more to come
Welcome Fall time, welcome from me
I've been waiting months for you to come!

Link to Authors.com... where I wrote a post this morning:
http://www.authors.com/profiles/blogs/i-ve-been-waiting-for-you-all-summer

Wandering Through The Halls Of My Mind...

Wandering Through The Halls Of My Mind...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I stop at a door, open it just a little... listen before I step inside.  I'm not sure I want to enter this door.

Tommy was sitting cross-legged on the deck with his chin in both hands, listening.  Listening to me, his young mother reading to him from his story book.

I don't want to think about this memory... something happened before I sat down to read to him... something that scared me.  I sat down to read to him to keep my sanity.

I was a young girl, left alone in the countryside too many times... I had been used to living in town, being around people.  My little son kept me strong... I would protect him with my life.  I was afraid... but, I would fight and win ... to protect my child.

Sometime at nights where I lived with my little son... there would be noises outside... I would run to the gun, keep it by my side.  I knew how to use it as a young girl, I loved to target practice.  I know sometimes... someone was outside.

Fourteen miles from any town... a young girl sat many nights afraid, alone excepting for her young son.  Sometimes, men tried to say things, make passes at her when she was out and about.  She worried sometimes, if someone like that was... out there. I, being that young girl, knew that men came on the pretense to see my husband... always when he was gone.

No, it's time to move out of this room.  I don't like to think about those things.  I wonder if I'll find a much happier memory to think about......

I roam through the halls of my mind, thinking I want to remember something.  I open, close the doors along the way... I don't want to remember.  I don't want to remember anything at all... I thought I did.

I'm thinking all the while.  I'm worried for Skip, he still isn't feeling well at all.  I stay close to him so, that every moment I know if I need to take him to the hospital, or to call 911.  He has to wait until Tuesday to get tests done on his heart.  Only then, can the medicine another doctor gave him... be changed.

The medicine isn't what he should have been taking all this time.  I'm so glad at least he got to stop taking the fluid (diuretic) pill he's been taking two years unnecessarily.

While I worry about Skip... Tommy is in the back of my mind.  My mind is trying to wander into the past, into the halls.... to make me remember.  I don't think I want to.  I am on guard, I really don't want to let my mind think... not this evening.  I'm too weary.

Worry, weary... I don't feel like I have the strength to do more than sit here, write.  Truthfully, I'm too drained to write tonight.

No, I don't feel I want to be wandering the halls of my mind tonight.

Here's a link to my story on Authors.com..... 'Time After Time'... http://www.authors.com/profiles/blogs/time-after-time?xg_source=activity

That Big, Dark Cloud Of Impending Doom...

That Big, Dark Cloud Of Impending Doom...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I have to tell you all something.  I know you've noticed that recently I've spoken alot about ... death, dying.

I've told you about going through this thing about what I was feeling inside.... being afraid to die.  Everything has been 'death'.  I told you about the big, dark cloud that seemed to be over me.

What I did... and didn't tell you was... I've been so afraid for Skip.  It seems that I 'did have everything to worry about'.

Skip saw a cardiologist yesterday... thank God.  He found out that he's been taking medicine that's not right for him... this medicine was given thirty years ago to 'end renal failure' patients...................

That's not all.... (inside I am crying for how Skip has suffered... I feel shaky thinking how close he came to........ )..... that's not all... the same doctor gave him a fluid pill to take daily.....................................

The cardiologist went through Skip's medicines.... Skip took them so, they 'all could be seen' by the doctor.  If you could have watched the cardiologist's face like I did........... you'd seen him begin shaking his head saying "this is the worst medicine, you don't need to be taking this!"

The fluid pill was depleting Skip of his potassium, electrolytes.... Skip has been suffering for many months, in this hot weather... I 'knew' something was wrong.  But... I'm not the doctor.  I 'can advise'.... but, I am not a doctor.  You know how we all get these feelings... but, we might be listened to... BUT... we are not doctors.

It seems that the medicine he took previously wasn't a good medicine for him either... it shouldn't have been given to him because he was over fifty years old.  It 'seems alot of things'.......

This has been more than upsetting to me... I've been watching Skip suffer, go through each day with his pulse too low, dizzy, and not feeling well.  He forced himself to stay strong.... how did he do it.  Just like he did years ago... when he was losing so much blood... when I was deathly sick.

He put me first... how he didn't die then... amazed his doctors.  (How he didn't die now, because of the doctor who gave him these medicines................................................... is amazing.  His pulse came down to 29!  It was staying around 37...........................  )

That was when he was diagnosed with colon cancer... I was too sick to be aware of what was happening to Skip.  He worked at a company where he was their transportation fleet manager... once in a while when a driver would be out... he'd drive their truck out of state to deliver for them.  He was in Maryland the day, night before his surgery......

They had to give him so much blood.... the surgeon couldn't believe he'd functioned like he had for so long .... losing most all his blood.  He couldn't believe Skip hadn't had a heart attack while driving.

Skip's oncologist was so shocked when she was told of what Skip had endured before his surgery.

I had been diagnosed, was being treated for non-Hodgkins lymphoma... cancer, to save my life.  Skip meant for me to live.... he worked hard, he was with me at every chemotherapy treatment I ever had.... I went through this twice in two years... I didn't stay in remission long.

Skip was so sick... dying at the same time I was so sick... dying.  He worked every day... he'd drive to get me, go to all the many tests, treatments I was scheduled for.  No one was there for us.... no one.

I had made Skip promise not to tell Tommy.... he was in Germany.  Just before I couldn't talk anymore, I remember whispering to him 'Skip, promise me you won't tell Tommy, promise me!'

I was so afraid if Tommy found out his mama was sick.... nothing would hold him back getting across that ocean to me... I was afraid something bad would happen to him.

Tommy loved his mama.  Tommy's mama loved him.  They 'would have walked through hell for the other'.... they would have crawled if it took that to get to the other.

'Now'... to the present.  I know 'why' it has happened, and I know that alot of people are being prescribed medicines that aren't good for them.

Guess what?  I was a victim, too.... just before Tommy died.  I went to a doctor in a local town close by.  I was having allergies... coughing, sneezing, my eyes watering, red.

This doctor did the allergy tests on me... I do have alot of allergies to various things.  Not only that..........

The doctor sat there looking me straight in my eyes and said, "you have asthma"...............................  I looked back at him, repeated his words.  He said, "oh yes, you have asthma".  Strange enough, I didn't believe him.... but, I went against my feeling ... took the medicine thinking it would really help me breathe better..........

He gave me samples of medicine to inhale... and gave me prescriptions.  I took it over a period of weeks ... I was becoming progressively more short of breath, and panicking because I couldn't breathe well.

Skip took me to the hospital emergency room where we told them about the medicine I was taking.  Skip told the ER physician that I was diagnosed with asthma, showed him the medicine.  In the meantime.... the ER physician called my cardiologist... as I didn't have a primary doctor.

My cardiologist came to the hospital wanting to know what was going on.  He couldn't believe I'd been diagnosed with asthma, taking that medicine.  He admitted me.... I couldn't breathe well, I was panicking, really... in bad shape.

Once admitted, I was tested with this huge machine that was very sophisticated... it took quite some time to do all I was told to do.  I didn't have any evidence of .......... asthma.

It took a week before I began to be myself again... I had gotten in bad shape....

It seems there are doctors who want, need more patients sometimes.... need I go on?  No matter what profession people are in... it's like a basket of beautiful, red apples..... there are going to be some 'bad' apples.

I could go on, and on here about some doctors I've known, but... I won't.    I will say this much.... always question... research on the computer about medicines... if something doesn't feel right... or you feel ill effects from medicines... get a second opinion.

Just because a person 'fixes cars for a living... doesn't mean he is a good mechanic' every time.  Sometimes, we have to take a car to another mechanic to get it fixed...... right.  It's the same way in everything in life.

Skip... I have been so worried about him.  'Now'... I know all my feelings were right.  'Now'.... I know I had a right to be scared that something was going to happen to him.

Now.. I know that big, dark cloud of impending doom ... was real, was looming close by.  I know more than I've written here.

I also, know like us.... millions of people don't have insurance... sometimes, that made a difference in the care we get/got.  The truth is the truth.....

It seems this morning that big, old dark cloud of impending doom.... is moving away from here!  :)))