I Learned The Hard Way!

I Learned The Hard Way!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo of a much younger Granny Gee ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates .... photo owned by me

　

I wonder what stays in the back of everyone's mind? I know I have several things in the back of mine. Worry over this, worry over that. Do you do that, also?

Though, I worry ... I pretty-much stay positive ... knowing somehow ... everything's going to be alright. Do you think like that?

It's because 'I know' ... without knowing, all will work out in a good way. Still ... I do find myself worrying at times. Life is a struggle at times; do you agree?

I remember the 'good old days' when we didn't struggle. I remember how it felt for all to fall into place. Didn't worry about bills, eating in nice restaurants, going here ... there; traveling. It was a happy time. Especially, going shopping at any given time. I never looked at a price tag.

Well, I remember my mother saying, "Faye, don't fly so high that you can't fall". :) I'm old enough to understand what she meant. Damn, a lot of those old sayings are so ... true! I fell right on my ass! :) I flew too high ...

I've learned many of life's lessons the hard way ... I promise you, that I learned good not to repeat mistakes. It isn't worth wasting time, nor ... feeling the pain from them.

I've also, tried to learn from ... others' mistakes. It's much easier to do that ... then, it saves time ... not only that ... it doesn't hurt at all!

Of course, just like I've always told you ... I am not perfect at all ... and I still say, do things that just aren't perfect at all! Doesn't it seem like one could get perfect after learning so much?

Younger people who think they have the world by the tail ... might heed some of the 'old people's sayings'. Why? Because, I, now ... know they knew things I didn't know. Why? Because ... they did things, and like me ... I learned the hard way!

　

Photo/Story Credit: Both are owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka &grannygee

The Keeper Of Ashes ...

The Keeper Of Ashes ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

　

That fateful morning, around 7:30-8:00 am ... I opened the back door to go out to my truck. I was going to exercise. I always went early, to have it behind me.

Something made me look back through the house. At first, my eyes couldn't comprehend the red glow coming from the window where the other porch was. My heart caught in my throat ... Skip! Our house is on fire!

Instantly, we went into action. I began saving our three dogs while Skip ran to see what was happening.

We lost everything in that house fire. It was in the dead of winter. I'll never forget rummaging through the debris, trying to just find ... something of ours, that didn't burn. I'll never forget the people stopping there who ... began to pick up things, leave with them. I never knew people stole from someone when their whole life lay in a pile of rubble.

I came across a gray container ... oh my God, it was my mother's ashes. They'd been burned once again ... cremated; now, the container was partially melted where the fire burned it. I couldn't believe it. It hurt my Heart, deeply.

I picked the container up with my freezing hands. I was so cold. I got black soot on my bare hands. I put the container with my mother's ashes in a little pile of 'things' I'd found in the rubble.

My heart was grieving for my mother as I searched for any little thing that survived the fire. I didn't know anyone was there until a voice said, "take these gloves, Gloria". It was a man Skip and I liked very much. He told me he knew my hands must be cold. My Heart was warmed, because someone cared.

The container of ashes now, sit in the Rose Chest, I have for my mother's ashes. I have other things inside that are hers, also. I can't tell you exactly what ... because like my son's chest, I can't bear to open it.

It sits beside my brother's chest. It holds my brother's ashes. Also, in it are some things that were his. I don't know who will care for the ashes if something should happen to us.

I did have my cousin's ashes, until I sent them to his sister in Oregon. He is where he belongs, now. I'm so happy she has them ... they are buried beside their mother, in a beautiful place.

I remember some years ago ... my grandson's mother called me ... 'the keeper of ashes'.



　

Photos owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee (My mother's ashes/charred container... Mama's Rose Chest) ...

Story is true, and is owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

She Ate Her Dog ... Without Knowing It!

She Ate Her Dog ... Without Knowing It!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka #Granny Gee

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka #Granny Gee.  Her glasses are litte wire glasses I shaped with my hands; also her earrings ... bracelet on her right arm.  :)

He made supper for his girlfriend. Candles sat on the table ... creating a relaxing atmosphere. Her face looked beautiful in the candlelight. He kissed her on the forehead as he went to sit down across from her.

She felt a soft glow in her heart. He had went to all the trouble of making her a beautiful meal. This was very special, indeed. What made it more special was ... they'd had a big argument that morning. The biggest argument ever.

She saw a new light come in his eyes, that she'd never seen before. It was disturbing, because at the same time ... a sinister little grin came across his lips. She had all but, forgotten that now, as she sat at the beautiful meal he had made for her.

For a brief moment, she felt grief for her little dog. She usually fed him tidbits under the table when she ate. He went missing several days ago.

Her boyfriend was speaking. He told her he'd fixed her a special meal because he wanted to make her feel better. He knew they'd argued, and her little dog was missing. He was sorry for both.

As they ate, they talked about many things. For a moment, she wondered if the tender meat was pork, or chicken. They tasted similar. The gravy made it delicious. She asked him which it was ... but, he didn't hear her. He kept making conversation.

The evening wrapped up, and they went upstairs to bed. She slept close in his arms the whole night through.

The next day at work, she heard his special text tone on her phone. She had to wait several minutes before reading it. She finished making copies, went to her desk to sit down.

She turned her Iphone on, and looked for his text message. She came across it, eagerly looking forward to what it said.

The message appeared on her screen ... this is what it said:

How did it feel to eat your dog for supper, yesterday? I'd love to be there this moment to see the expression on your face. I hate you, you bitch! You and your dog deserve each other ... now, you both ... are one, and the same!



　

Photo Credit is of me, owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka &grannygee .

Story is mine, owned by me. It is based on a true story ... only I embellished it by writing more details I imagined ... to tell it.

When I Love ... I Love

When I Love ... I Love
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My son, Tommy's photo, sitting on the upholstered chest that holds the only things I have left of him.  I didn't know my Heart could be put back together again when he died ... Skip, my Hero ... and Pups ... made life worth living again.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka #Granny Gee




　

Afraid ... to become close to another person

Outside my private world ...

Pain ... the thought of losing yet another loved one

When for now, I only have my world I'm close to

Realizing life ... death is the way it is

You, I ... there's nothing we can do about it

Acceptance ... takes longer for some to reach

I reached it in four years after the death of my child

I had no choice in the matter

Either I accepted ... or I quit living, or ... slowly ... go crazy

Three choices I had ... I've always loved life

No matter that life has been hard for me at times

I chose to accept ... to live my life out

Why? Because, there is nothing I can do, say

To change a thing ... I can cry, scream, roll on the floor

It doesn't get me a damn thing ... I'm tired of being sad

I can be happy while ... I grieve for my son ... in a good way

He has done something ... we all have to do one day

Die ... we are born ... live life ... and whether we want to ... or not

We each are going to have to die ... no one can change this fact of life

How many times have I told myself these things in the past 4 years?

I can't remember ... I can't see back through the darkness I came through

How in the world ... did I make it back out to the light

Learn to smile again ... to feel the wind on my face?

Live life once again ... care?

How? My precious husband ... my hero ... made me strong

Strong enough to come back ... from the worse thing to happen in my life

I made it back through many 'bad' things ... this time, I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for ... him

My whole world left now ... is my husband, three Pups

Outside them ... I'm careful whom I become close to

I don't invite unwanted, extra pain

I only become ... so close ... to anyone today

I don't fool myself ... I know my Heart

It cares a lot, I just don't show it ... when I Love ... I Love




Photo/words are of, by me, owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka #Granny Gee
　

Black Softness ...

Black Softness ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee ... I did this doodle while thinking about Tommy, my son ... who died May 29, 2010 by the ocean, running ... playing with his three-year old son.  He collapsed ... no one knew he was sick.  He had two blockages to his heart at the age of 40.  I went into the soft darkness ... for almost three years.  I've learned to cope with his death ... I can be alright, now.  It was the worse thing to happen in my entire life (and many, many 'bad' things have happened) ...

　

We squeal with joy when we are surprised

Scream with pain, when a loved one is injured



Smile when our loved one walks into a room

Cry when they have to go away



We become frightened if something happens

Until we know all is right, we calm down



Become numbed by shock when bad happens

Live in darkness, a blanket of protection



To hide us until we become strong once again

Black softness ... what would we do without it



I've lived in black softness all around me

Blocking out the pain ... knowledge my son was dead



Only if I tried to come out to the light, did I feel

Grief, pain until I could run to darkness for safety



Safety for my sanity ... I would surely go crazy

I didn't have to see, feel, hear in darkness



I guess I could describe darkness as being as close to death

As I could get ... I didn't know there was life ... anywhere



Grief ... should be part of my name ... I know it so well

Grief, shock, pain have been so much a part of my life



The strange thing is ... no matter how bad something is

I still believe ... everything's going to be alright



If I didn't believe, I would have stayed under the blanket

Of ... black softness

　



Poem is written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo is owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee
　

If You Lie To A Dog ... You'll Do Anything!

If You Lie To A Dog ... You'll Do Anything!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Precious, sweet Camie is napping after getting her medicinal bath.  She is the Pup I rescued.  She has many friends on her Facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/camocameobates  Come be her friend ... I keep her page updated. 




Have you ever watched from afar ... people who don't realize you notice them?


Have you ever notice how people deceive, lie to their loved ones? How the loved ones will justify all they do, give them undeserved credit? Isn't it sad?


When a person is in love ... they trust, believe in the person they love. You are ... supposed to be able to do that ... whether married, or not.


I notice relationships that make me sad. I wish I didn't think about them ... notice. I am a person who believes in being loyal, true to the person who trusts you. It's an honor for another human being to trust one. Do ... you know how hard it is to trust? Sure, you do.


I see people play on their loved one's emotions, constantly. Lies are constantly told. No matter, the loved one can't see it for the love in their hearts. Love blinds some people.


People who lie, cheat, deceive ... seem to get to 'have their cake, eat it, too'. Have you noticed? They make out 'like fat cats'. Even the ugliest people ... because 'everyone knows they can trust an ugly person'. They 'can't get anyone else'. That's where people get fooled, and get ... what they deserve when they think such things.


An ugly person can cheat, lie even better. No one expects them to do that. But ... I'm not talking about ugly people, beautiful people ... or in between. I'm talking about relationship trust ... trust from a person who loves the ground you walk on ... even trust from a dog.


I've never cheated ... but, that doesn't mean I'm perfect. I am just very loyal, and mostly very ... truthful. I don't like to lie, deceive ... even to people I ... don't like. I don't even like to tell my dogs ... a lie!


It feels bad to tell them something ... not do it. A dog's feelings are important, too. They love, trust unconditionally. The sad thing is ... they love you even if you are a lying, deceitful person as long as you treat them good. Lying, deceitful people have dogs, too.


You know you don't want to lie to a dog ... if you'll do that ... you'll do anything!



Photo is of Precious Camo/ Camie ... owned by me. Camie is the puppy I rescued. She has her own Facebook page I keep updated. You can visit, be her friend if you want. This is her link: https://www.facebook.com/camocameobates


Story is owned by me. It's really a serious, humorous article. Still ... I don't lie to my dogs! :) We have three!

White Pages ... and Frederick's Of Hollywood!

White Pages ... and Frederick's Of Hollywood!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka #Granny Gee

Photo is of me as a young woman who loved to dress in the most beautiful clothes ... I loved myself ... I may have been a little vain ... but, I was a 'good' vain;  I cared about others, not just myself .... Photo is of me, owned by me... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

　

　

The old, brown, wooden floor felt cool to the back of my naked legs. I sat in front of Grandma Alma's wooden bookcase. Oh, the many books she had! They all had ... white pages ... in them!

I looked down beside my crossed legs, saw my crayons, pencil. I would be here for some time. No one would miss me at all!

I sat cross-legged, my favorite way to sit. I still do that as an adult; I feel it in my knees ... but, I still make me do it.

I pulled several books out to examine them. I looked only at the white pages this time. Sometimes, I would read.

I saw drawings on some of the white pages. They were my drawings. I loved to draw clothes on women. I wanted to be a fashion designer when I grew up! I was only a child at this time.

There! I had drawn a girl with pretty, curly hair. I drew a beautiful dress on her; colored it. I'd never seen anyone wear a dress like that! I would even made paper dolls, draw ... color the dresses, cut them out ... place on my dolls. In my eyes, they were beautiful ... I remember people liking them.

Later in life, I was a teenager ... married, living in the mountains of North Carolina. I received a catalog one day ... I stood there with my mouth opened wide.

I had been drawing some of those clothes as a young girl! I loved the beautiful women, clothes in that catalog! It was a ... Frederick's Of Hollywood, of all things!

I didn't go to fashion design school. I had married too young. I had a young child. My Grandmother Lola was going to send me to fashion design school. I 'messed that up'... by the choices I made.

I sometimes, look back ... see the little girl sitting on that old, wood floor. I can still feel how cool that floor was on the back of my legs. I can see how she sat there drawing, coloring ... forgetting the harsh world around her. Colors, dreams occupied her mind. Oh my, what that little girl would have done if she'd only lived her dream! White pages ... one day to see my style was like Frederick's Of Hollywood!


Photo Credit/True story are both owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka #Granny Gee

It's Just How It Affects ... Me

It's Just How It Affects ... Me
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo is of clean drinking glasses ... sparkling clean glasses that shine like diamonds!  I love to drink from them!  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee (Photo Credit is mine)...


　

　

A little girl's chubby hand stretches up to open the old kitchen cabinet door. She tried not to touch the cabinet ... it had stains on it; she didn't want to get anything on her.

The old kitchen cabinet was a dirty white ... but, so ... beautiful white when it was washed down. Now ... it was filthy. The glass windows were smudged where a blind man's hand would reach for a door.

Inside the cabinet were dishes, glasses. The little girl wanted a glass. She was thirsty ... her stomach was in her throat! She began panicking ... please don't let one get me!

She saw the bugs crawling around inside the cabinet. She was afraid ... every time! A bug would fall on her, down her sleeve or the neck of her dress! She would scream, cry ... jump up and down!

The glasses were hard to see through, had a funny smell. The little girl rinsed it out ... as well as she could. She tried to put 'just barely' her lips to the rim ... to drink

She stood there as an older woman ... looking into the warm, soapy suds. She used the sudsy sponge to wash her glasses until they were shining ... spotless. Not a smudge, stain was left on a glass. She held each by her fingertips, to put in the dish-drainer.

She held the last glass up to the light of the kitchen window ... smiled. It was so beautiful ... clean; just the way she liked them! She put it in the dish-drainer to dry naturally.

Glasses ... shiny, clean glasses without smudges, stains ... were like diamonds. Hold them up to the light ... they would sparkle with their own light!

I love clean glasses to drink from ... I love to hold them to the light to see the sparkle ... I, also, do that with my rings. I want my glasses as shiny as the diamonds in them. Drinking from a dirty glass as a child ... 'did something to me'.

If I see someone drinking from a glass with greasy hands, leaving smudges on their glass ... I have to look away. I am always so careful to not get anything on my glass, when drinking.

Sometimes, I see people get food on the rim, or inside their glasses. I can't help it ... it bothers me. Yes, I know we all aren't perfect ... I honestly ... am so far from perfect ... it's pathetic. It's just how it affects me.


Photo Credit/Story Credit ... both are owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka #Granny Gee

I Held Her Ashes In My Hands ... Close To My Heart ... On 9/11

I Held Her Ashes In My Hands ... Close To My Heart ... On 9/11
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 My mother as a younger girl ... her eyes were always so beautiful.  She was just as beautiful.

 My mother as a young girl ... those beautiful eyes.  Her eyes were always made up beautifully. 
She got up faithfully as a young, older woman every morning at 4:00 am ... to put her makeup on.

My mother as a young girl ... when I first became aware of my mother as a little girl .... she had long, flowing, curly hair.  I've always loved long, curly hair.

My beautiful mother is on left in black outfit ... with her cousin, Carol... so young, vibrant

 My mother as a young adult woman ... she was so beautiful.  She was standing beside her own mother, my Grandma Alma.

My beautiful mother, Daisy Earlene Strother ... and my little brother Rick-Rick in Camp Lejune on the Marine base.
　

MAMA

Tommy was talking on his cellphone ... I could hear him talking to his soon to be ex-wife. I could sense it wasn't a 'bad' phone call.

Skip was dressing after taking his shower. I was ... I don't know what I was doing. I do vaguely recall standing in the middle of the floor ... not seeing the tv in front of me.

My eyes were full of tears ... it was like trying to see out of a foggy window ... things were distorted. It didn't matter, I didn't see what was in front of me ... I didn't know to. I was in shock ... my mind was seeing, hearing ... inside me.

My mother was dead ... my mama was dead. Something wasn't right ... too soon to know ... what. My mind was seeing reactions, watching different ones that ... evening she ... died.

I was trying to 'see' regardless of the shock I was in ... have you ever tried to do that? It's like trying not to forget something ... you are already ... forgetting.

Shock ... I have been in the state of shock so many times, you'd think I'd be used to it.

No ... the shock of new things, more family members, friends dying ... events taking place ... many 'bad' things ... create mind-numbing shock ... it never affects one the same way. I can tell you this ... firsthand.

I've experienced shock more times in my life than ... I can count. I never chose to ... I never wanted to ... if I'd had my choice, I'd been more like you ... only have two or three 'bad' things happen in my life, and live life out ... without anything else happening.

I've lived several lifetimes ... of shocks, 'bad' things happening. I am stronger for it ... I know you probably think that. Well, I am ... and I am not. When it's my life ... it's too close to home. I'm not strong at all.

Suppose you saw a horrible wreck in front of you ... you run to see if you can help someone ... only to discover ... that ... someone ... is your daughter ... your son ... laying there ... hurt badly, broken ... bleeding; or worse ... dead.

Shock takes over ... these are the type shocks I have suffered through time ... I just told you that so, you could 'imagine' the kind of shocks I have suffered through time. That means bad things have happened in my life ... some, I can tell you about; some ... I won't tell you about.

Normally, people live out their lives with just a few shocks. They are the fortunate ones ... life's been good to them. Life has been good to me, also ... and no matter how bad ... I still believe good things come from ... bad things. I believe, I believe ...

I don't question 'why?' Why? Because, I know I won't get an answer. I stay positive even when it appears that I'm not. Why? Because ... everything's going to be alright in time. Does it make me hurt less? NO.

Sound began penetrating my mind ... my eyes became aware for a moment, and I saw a plane fly into a tall building. It's a movie, I thought. I ... closed back up, until ...

My eyes were trying to see out of the watery curtain before them. Was that breaking news of some sort? I heard the man's voice ... he was talking excitedly ... what was he saying. It sounded like something 'bad' had happened. It wasn't a movie ... oh my God! I had been watching a plane fly into one of the twin towers.

I went into another shock ... the shock grew. I was overwhelmed with grief ... knowing we had to ... go to the funeral home shortly ... to pick up my mother's ashes; oh my God! My mama was dead!

Something equally as bad ... had just happened, somewhere ... I still didn't understand 'what' at that time. The man was pointing toward the tall building ...

I do remember thinking as I was getting the gist of what was happening, how frightened my mother would have been if she'd been sitting alone ... watching tv ... we'd been attacked on American soil for the first time!

The second plane hit ... my mind couldn't comprehend ... all those people!

All those people! I saw things falling in the sky ... later, I knew they were bodies of people who were jumping into heaven ... to keep from burning in the flames of the hell they were caught in.

We left the house ... I felt I was in a white fog. I was numb from the inside out. We were going to pick up my mother's ashes at the funeral home ... oh my God! My mama was dead! My mama was dead! My mind screamed with pain ... screamed loudly. No one heard me.

I vaguely remember the man handing me a bag ... it was heavy in my hands. The bag sure was smooth, neat-looking ... new, brown. My hand caressed the texture ... (the artist in me).

It was open at the top ... my eyes could see ... oh my God! My mama ... was in my ... hands! Mama! My mama is dead!

I was holding my mama in my hands ... her ashes weighed almost as much as a baby. Maybe like how much I weighed as a baby, when she once held me in her hands.

I held my mama close to my Heart. Mama! I cradled her in my arms; carried her out to our vehicle.

The saddest thing happened ... more tears, grief on top of grief ... in my Heart. My brother was in the parking lot. No one had thought to call him! He'd come to go to a funeral. Oh my God. My poor brother ... my very Heart broke for him. He had driven fourteen hours to get here.

Life can be so cruel ... sad, happy. We all make it be either way; sometimes, unintentionally. My Heart cries for many things..... it will until the day ... I die.

Maybe when I die one day ... my last breath will be one of such relief ... as it goes out of my body, it'll leave my face looking as peaceful as my mother's face was. I will never forget my mother's face ... it seemed to almost ... have a little smile. Maybe she was glad to be out of ... her Hell.

There are things I'll write ... there are things ... I won't write. My mother was going through a lot just before she died. I knew some of it ... learned the rest through time ... after she died. She shouldn't have died ... there are others who live now, know this to be true.

We walked into the house; I sat down with my mother's ashes still in my arms. I sat quietly, lost in my own thoughts ... swimming in the sea of grief somewhere in my mind. Grief ... shock ... go hand in hand. I'm familiar with both ... and with it ... the darkness it brings.

Voices from the tv began to become louder, excited. My attention was drawn to the tv. I began learning about the deaths of thousands of people on the day we picked my mama's ashes up from the funeral home.

　

　

　

Photo Credit ... photos are of my beautiful mother, Daisy Earlene Strother; it is owned by me.  Story is written, owned by me.  This is a true story/color of my life.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka #Granny Gee 

She Called Me To Please Help Her ... I Was Too Late

She Called Me To Please Help Her ... I Was Too Late
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

My beautiful mother, whom everyone always said was the prettiest woman 'in these parts'.  She always looked like Elizabeth Taylor.  Daisy Earlene Strother.  Photo is owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee. 



We were shopping at Sam's Club, enjoying walking around. Each of us were pointing out things that caught our attention.

I saw a beautiful, big vase shaped like an urn. The thought went through my mind as I looked at it (later ... that haunted me). It was made of porcelain, blue and white. The big vase had a matching top. I was thinking ... I really want that.

Later, we walked back by the vase ... I put it in our shopping cart. Besides, we both loved the Biscotti biscuits that were inside. We would have them to look forward to when we drank our coffee.

We paid for our purchases; pushed the shopping cart to the food area. We ordered the special they always have ... the big hot dog, and huge drink for a couple of dollars. The hot dogs are wonderful, though ... we could never eat but, one.

We drove up in our driveway, began taking things into the house. I walked by the phone, saw the flashing light ... someone had left a message. I didn't listen to it ... then.

When we finished putting things away ... I stood looking at the red light ... walked to the phone, pressed the button to make messages play.

I began going into shock ... (I know shock only too well, as I've experienced it over, and over in my lifetime ... one would think I'd be used to it).

An eerie, unearthly sound began coming out of the message machine. My mind worked against my ears ... to understand what I was hearing. Skip! Skip, please come here! Help me, Skip! Something bad ... something bad!

We both walked out of the house ... not knowing to think. My mind kept replaying the awful sound from the phone ... my mother was calling for me! I had to get to my mama!

She was saying in such a sound that wasn't from this life ... she was 'keening' ... 'Help me, Fay-eeeeee-eeeeeeeee'. It played out 'long'... it went straight to my Heart. I couldn't get to her ... fast enough!

We drove up in the driveway ... got out, went inside. I saw her big, upholstered recliner (it was a rocker, also). My mother wasn't sitting in it ... she always sat in it.

My eyes were drawn to the floor in front of it. There were all kind of things lying there . The one thing that drew my attention was a white hairband sold by Avon ... I saw my mother's blood on it. I saw a strand of her hair ... I picked it up.

Oh, my God, what happened to my mama! It's hard now to think back to that day ... September 09, 2001. I sat down in her chair trying to feel her. I couldn't ... all I could feel inside was ... panic!

Soon, people were standing, sitting on the front porch of her home. We went outside to stand ... the shock froze me. I couldn't move, think. I stood ... the phone rang inside the house. We all had a reaction to it ... soon, someone came out of the house.

She walked over to my mother's husband, told him it was the hospital calling ... did he want to speak to them. This stood out to me all these years; he said ... in these exact words .... 'she's dead, ain't she, goddamn it'!

I don't remember anymore from that evening. My mind doesn't want to remember ... I can't take it. Something wasn't right ... I won't remember back ... then.

No one went to the funeral home to see my mother before she was cremated. Skip had no choice but, to leave on his big truck. My son, Tommy, and I were the only ones to view her.

I walked into the room ... my eyes paid attention to everything to do with my mother. Did they think they had disguised the hose that went to her body ... to the place where they were draining my mother's blood?

I am going to look, see what we all aren't supposed to notice. It's my nature ... I look at the background ... while you look at what's in front of you. But, sometimes ... I can't.

I'd worked in the hospital where I had been used to seeing 'everything' ... so, it didn't offend me. It did hurt my Heart ... that was my mama!

I stood there ... noticing how tightly someone had wrapped the pure, white sheet around my mother's body.

I'm sure that sheet was wrapped purposely like that ... to discourage someone who might think of pulling the sheet back, only to discover the tube ....

My eyes went to my mother's face ... oh my! My mother's face had become so much younger! She looked like she was in her thirties ... she was so beautiful. My mother had been the most beautiful woman around 'these parts' ... when she was young.

Her hair had been washed. I reached out to touch it ... I rubbed my hand over her hair, fluffing as I did. So soft ... that was the last time I ever touched my mama. My hands 'remember' the softness of her hair, so clean ... fresh.

My hands 'remember' me touching my son's head in death ... to discover the stitches in the back of his head ... as he lay in the wooden box. My mind ... I don't want to remember ... now.

As I fluffed my mama's hair, something wet fell onto my hand. It was a teardrop from my eye ... I stood looking at it. It was like a crystal ball where one could look ... hoping to see the future. I couldn't look that long ... life was in front of me ... no, death was in front of me ... staring me in the face.

Mama! Mama! What happened to you? My mind closed up to what it knew ... felt. Through the years since her death ... I've had to do the same thing. I won't, can't think about it.

I played the recording of her on our message machine, two months ago. Through time, no one ever wanted to hear it. Skip asked me to please not play it when he wasn't around ... maybe not play it at all. He is the only person to know the effect it has on me.

Two months ago, I played it so, both Skip and I would hear it. I instantly became sick, panicky, upset. Her voice came over the recording ... 'keening'... for me to please help her! Something 'bad' was happening to her ...

Since September 2001, I've tried to listen to the recording ... I go to pieces. I try to play it ... sometimes. That is the last time my mother's voice spoke ... it spoke 'from another world'.

There are certain sounds now, that pierce through my Heart, that I can't bear to hear ... it sounds like her! It's a certain 'high' tone ... not one you usually hear everyday.

The strange thing is that the message on our machine said 4:10 pm ... the call to the rescue was at 4:00 pm ... her husband said he was doing as they told him to do ... to revive her. He was ... doing ... CPR.

My mother didn't sound like she was in this world on the recording ... I'd never heard her voice sound like that. When she was dying ... how did she call me for help.

No one needs to answer my questions ... I have many more that need answering. I'm waiting ... to add what I don't know ... to 'what I know'.

Either way ... my mother 'called me', begging me to help her. I got there too late. In my mind ... I don't think my mother called from their phone ........... how could she? Knowing what I do ... you would wonder the same thing. No way ...


Photo is owned by me; it is of my beautiful mother.  Story is written, owned by me.  It is a true story.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee