Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Die With A Soft Smile On Our Lips... 'Knowing We Did Right'
Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... done on February 25, 1998. This represents 'Hope'... do you know 'why?'
This old drawing is one I did just 4 months before being diagnosed with non- Hodgkins lymphoma (cancer)... I drew this picture.
I was feeling the need to begin drawing 'something to leave behind'... not knowing how ill I was becoming, not knowing I was going to be fighting for the biggest battle of my life... to live. I 'was feeling something'..... not having any idea at all......
Oh... this old drawing really does mean 'Hope'... something we can never let go of ... this old drawing survived a house fire that destroyed all our belongings on December 28, 2004. This ... old drawing was one of many that somehow survived the fire! HOPE!
Die With A Soft Smile On Our Lips... 'Knowing We Did Right'
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I watched him talk to the woman sitting in front of him. A desk separated the two ... one could look, know immediately 'who was the boss.'
The woman held her head down, tears streaming down her cheeks, onto the front of her blouse. I knew the tears were hot, sudden ... unexpected. I've done this 'a million times' both in happiness, and in grief. I recognized real tears as I watched her face closely. I've been on both... the giving, receiving end.
I saw pain in her eyes, you know how a person's eyes will for a fleeting moment reflect such deep emotion. If you aren't watching for it, you'll miss it.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she said softly. I waited to hear 'why' she was thanking her boss. She sat there, her shoulders shaking as sobs rocked her body. What did he say to her to cause such emotion? What!
"I'm giving you $20,000 to pay off your mother's medical bills, and $5,000 for an education fund for each of your four children, and last... but, not least.................... something for you. I'm giving you $60,000 for yourself, your bills, to buy a home for you, and your children, to buy a car.
Sudden hot tears were in my mind, rolling down my cheeks unexpectedly! I wanted to be the boss! I wanted to be the one granting such wonderful things, being able to afford such, to make others' wishes, dreams come true!
The man began wiping his eyes with a kleenex, he.... too, was filled with emotion as he watched the woman. He knew his words would make her happy, he didn't know what kind of reaction he'd receive with his words. Now... he was the one crying, he felt as if he'd been given a gift!
In fact, he had been given a gift! He 'saw' what his act of kindness did to affect the rest of another human being's life. He had made a positive difference in her life. It didn't have to be on that grand scale... it could have been thousands 'less'... he would have.... gotten the same reaction.
His 'gift' was something that could only be 'felt inside one's heart'.... felt so much that it evoked such emotion inside him, making him feel .... so thankful, so grateful that he did something ... good for someone who needed it, who had wishes that might never come true, unless ... for his kind act.
She was so quiet, so 'like in deep pain.' Her soft sobs came out, she couldn't hold them back. Her reaction is a lot like how my reaction is when good things happen to me... I get very quiet as my mind absorbs what has happened, and I 'cry from the inside'.... from my very heart.
What a wonderful man... who is he? Undercover Boss... I love that one show! It makes me cry everytime I see it ... more than one time.
Some of the 'bosses' grant the most wonderful things to people they come to know, care about ... as they pretend to be 'everyday people' as they work side by side with them for a period of time.
Do you know... I would love to be an Undercover Boss... it would be like 'Victoria Fairchild' in my story. I would go out .... listen, watch, and I would 'know' over time 'who/whom' .... I would be helping next... be it a person, or an animal.
I wouldn't have to wait for the heart-touching reaction from whomever I helped... though, it's one of the most beautiful emotions a person can show........ gratefulness, thankfulness... because it comes straight from the heart ... right at that very moment.
I could help, feel satisfaction inside, even if a person 'didn't know' it 'was me'.... who made their life better. I don't have to be told ... 'thank you.'
I already 'know how it will feel'... I've been there, many times in my life. 'It means the world to one, it did/does to me.' I, also, know 'how it feels to give' back... oh, how I love that wonderful feeling.
It's a 'high' I could live with forever.... I don't drink, smoke, do drugs .... if I had to choose a 'high'......... 'giving, contributing to people, animals' needs, wishes, dreams' and how it feels 'afterwards'.... would be the 'high' I would choose!
I would be in a constant 'state of happiness'... I would 'drown my grief, my sorrow, my pain' in it... just as one goes to a hot spring of fresh, clear, warm water.... to sit, relax their bodies, minds in it... for many hours. I 'would get up, keep coming back, to feel like a new person 'time after time'.... forever!
Call me what you will ... this is my number one dream in my life. It's my number one wish in life. We all have such thoughts, wishes, dreams in our hearts ... yours might not be the same as mine.
I dream... too. I may be a 'Granny Gee' now... I still have my dreams. :))) Oh... you'll find as you get older .... there's no difference in how you think, feel ... everything is still there! You are just a little older, more maturer in mind, body. You are still a real person who hears, sees, moves ( a little slower? :)))... just as you always did!
Look back quickly, older folks! Remember how you used to think people 'our age' .... couldn't feel, think, see. You thought that somehow 'old age' had put an invisible blanket over them... there's no way they could understand how it felt to be young... those 'old people just don't know nothing!!!'
Remember ... how 'dumb' we were? Well... I see myself 'getting my medicine back' ... all the time, now! I, sometimes... don't bother talking ...when it feels unimportant. If someone wants to talk to me ... they can come to 'me.' I remember being very young... so, I let them 'come to me... if they want to talk.'
I don't 'put myself out there' to be hurt, rejected, embarrassed ... or whatever. It is special, important, meaningful ... if I do begin 'talking first.' I 'quit talking quickly'... depending on what I sense.
I can remember when being younger, having lots of money ... I gave freely, but... youth is full of arrogance, innocence.... no matter how nice you are.
I was 'too young, too naive.... to 'really see' deeply, to 'know' what life was all about. 'If I had known what I know, now.... oh my... the many wonderful things I could have done through the years!' I've wasted a lot of years, a lot of time.
I would love to live that part of my life, again....... with my life experiences, I 'know now.' Call it what you will ... I would love to be a 'fairy Godmother'.... 'maker of wishes come true' .... an Undercover Boss! :)))
I think it very sad to get 'older'.... know the things we do 'now'.... to never have a chance to 'go back'... and make things right, do something about what we've learned in life. We just 'die with that knowledge one day'.......... Don't you think it such a ... waste?
This is the age... if we had the means... we could go back, make amends, make things 'like they should be, make them right'....... do more good things for people, animals........... then......... die with a soft smile on our lips... 'knowing we did right.'
Yes, yes, yes .... I know I am a dreamer, I still believe in fairy tales, good things, I ... just know everything is ....going to be all right. I believe in Santa Claus... :)))
No matter how bad ... things do get 'all right' ... again. I never give up hope.... this comes from a person who has every right to have given up many years ago.
I am just 'me'.... I believe, I ... have hope. I don't give up. I am a fighter ... if I give up ... it's only to 'get my second wind.'
I want to die... with a soft smile on my lips one day ... knowing I did right.