Gloria at age three ... when she was a little precious, innocent girl ... she was becoming to learn there were human monsters in her 'little girl world'... she just didn't know the difference between the real ones, or the fictitious stories told to her. All she knew was that the 'boogeyman would get her' if she continued to be 'mean'. They got her ... anyway.
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I was just reading a post on someone's blog... I read something that struck deep inside me. I 'always knew this'... but, how does a child put to voice ..words he/she doesn't have in their possession? How can a child learn such at that young, tender age? They can't.
Little children haven't learned the words needed to tell the people who are their parents, caregivers, protectors .... 'help me ... Grandpa or, Uncle So and So, or Aunt Jane... they are touching me, they are hurting me. Or, the pastor's son is hurting me... or Katherine's boyfriend' is .............................. the list goes on, and ... on.
I sat here thinking about the post I read. Basically... what I read was .... children don't have to be afraid of the scary bedtime stories, or the boogeymen that's going to get them if they are mean.
I went on to read 'what I always knew, lived as a small child'. A child has to be more afraid of the 'human monsters', than the fictitious stories of boogeymen, monsters that 'get mean little children'.
I felt a sickness in the pit of my stomach when I was reading that... why? Because, though I block so much in my mind ... my memories are still there when I was a little girl.
I've put many layers of protection over them through the years, because of what happened to me... I still feel the sickness, nervousness in my stomach. Just think what it would feel like... had there been no layers there......
I can't help but, to look inside my mind at this moment... to 'see faces' on some of the 'human monsters' I met as a little, innocent girl-child.
You would think this is an easy thing to do ... it isn't. There have been so many years that have passed ... I'm not feeling the best 'inside' for the moment, because I have traveled back into the past.
The first person I can see in my mind was a close family member whom I loved. I may have been between age three- four ... who knows how long it went on before my 'little girl mind' began to become aware of him, to .... retain memories of things I didn't know the words to. If I didn't know ... how could I tell? I wasn't old enough to know right from wrong.
This person was one of the people who took care of me, my little precious brother... I could say he lived with us. I don't want to say that ... I don't want to remember.
He was there, when we took our baths in the bathtub. My little brother and I would sit, laugh, play in the warm water. The bubbles, oh how I loved the bubbles as a little girl ... how I love the bubbles as a big girl.
He would dry my little brother off with a big, soft towel. He put pajamas on him, and then, they were gone. My mind says he took him to bed, came back ... to ... dry me off.
I won't think any further that, only ... I remember so strongly through all the layers, through these years ... how he took my little hand in his, pulling it to do things ... a little girl hand shouldn't.
My head feels so awful at this moment, my stomach feels shaky, I 'will let go' now, of this memory. It is upsetting me ... there's more 'there'. I feel the need to cry... I won't. I choose to go on, now... I just can't take it.
Another partial memory forces itself on me... being at the bed, him pulling my little girl body, my little girl hand..... somehow, I was trying 'not to see him' ... was my little girl hands trying to cover my face? Or is it my 'big girl' eyes trying not to see ....
So, how did I know this family member was doing the ultimate in child abuse, child molestation when he 'did the things he did to me'? Did it not count ... when it came to me? Was it only important when it 'happen to other children'? When I was a little girl, 'was I supposed to be molested, and it be all right'?
I don't bother to think about these things, excepting ... when I'm faced with a reminder that 'touches something deep inside me'. The post I read, made me feel 'uneasy, uncomfortable, sick' inside. It triggered the memories of the 'human monsters' I began to meet as a little, innocent child.
In my mind, little memories began to swirl, dance forward for me to 'see', then... swirl off, teasing me ... to try to get my attention .... to invite me back to the past ...to remember.
I think for now, I'll stop. My mind keeps pushing me to remember an uncle.... who babysat 'some of us little children'. When I think of him now... I think how wild animals do when they prey on a herd ... they separate, isolate 'the victim' they've chosen.
I, 'being the victim', remember trying to stretch tall enough to look out the window of the pantry. I could hear all the others screaming, laughing, running, playing outside.
I was inside this room, my uncle (I didn't know what 'uncle' meant... I was still around three-four years old) ... handed me a cookie, laid me down on the floor. I didn't want to stay there, I wanted to run, squeal, play with the others.
I was always terrified of him whenever he appeared after that, as I grew up. I remember freezing in place when I saw him. I can't remember what else happened in that pantry... why? I don't want to.
I just wondered something ... I was being abused, molested not by 'one human monster'. Did they not know that another human monster was doing such to a little child so early in age ... that little girl had met two in the short span of her life ... would it have stopped the other, thinking 'this is too much to happen to one so young, I won't add more on her'?
These were 'my first encounters' with human monsters. I went on to meet many, many more before I grew up. All the human monsters I met .... had wonderful, loving smiles. They were well-thought of, they were 'somebody people trusted'... they could never do any wrong.
I grew up being afraid of 'hands'... hands reaching out to me. I always backed off from people who wanted to reach for me, to hug me ... as a young girl. I felt anger.....
Of course, through the years, I didn't stay like that. I learned to be hugged, not to stiffen until 'it was over'. I will hug someone now, when I could never do it before.... to show caring, comfort.
I learned to do that when working in a hospital. That experience taught me a lot of things about life ... not only that. I saw the results of 'human monsters' in other people's lives.
I always 'reached out' to hug, if I didn't hug them... when they saw my eyes they saw 'caring, that I felt deeply for them'. I cried for them, they never knew. I cared for them, more than they saw in my eyes.
Everyday, people trust every person 'who is supposed to be a pillar of the community, a professional, a family member, a babysitter'... just every person who smiles kindly, charms ... who seems to be wonderful people. There are a lot of 'these people' who 'get by with doing things they shouldn't'.
How else could they do it, if they weren't trusted? To blend in, making the right sounds, looking the part ... is how they prey on the weak. They never let their dark sides show ... if they did, they'd never be trusted around a child, be in prison, or ... dead. Some people won't tolerate their children being preyed upon ... much less ... touching them in ways they shouldn't.
People trust faces of human monsters, never knowing... especially when that face is either kind, handsome, pretty, charming, a face that looks so, so ........... clean, good, wholesome, so angelic. Why someone who looks like that can't do any evil... how could they? They 'don't look the part'... you know all evil things 'look dark and ugly, repulsive'......... don't they?
People trust faces of human monsters, never knowing.....
Link to post I read to trigger my post for today......