Tuesday, October 13, 2015

The Emotion is Bittersweet ...

The Emotion is Bittersweet ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Last photo taken of Tommy ... only a short time before he collapsed on the sand by the ocean.  Tommy died from 3 blockages to his heart ... no one knew.  Tommy died while running, playing with his little 3 year old son.  Tommy died on May 29, 2010 ... at the young age of 40.

Colors fill the air ... I stand at the door watching colorful leaves blowing in the wind.  It's snowing ... leaves.  I love a fall day such as this.

I can sit, look out my window at the trees.  Orange, yellow, red, and green leaves ... fall is breaking out in her finest glory.  I want to see it ...

Leaves ... a flashback to when Tommy died ... a memory of being like a leaf in the wind ... being blown from here to there.  Moving only when the wind blew ... I was like that the night Skip took me to the funeral home.  The powerful medicine made possible for me to be there.  I wonder what it was ... I can't remember.  Doesn't matter now.

The light ... the light above ... around Tommy as he lay in the box for everyone to come see.  On display?  I remember standing on the other side of the room ... why couldn't I be ... right there ... next to him?  Why was the distance of the room keeping me so far away?  I was in a trance-like state.

Sometimes ... when I look in the mirror I can see the little scars from having had a child ... a child I no longer have now.  The only child I ever had.  I still have the little scars ...

Holidays are just around the corner once again.  Time for families to get together ... time for laughter, happiness ... joyous times together with one's wonderful loved ones.  I have Skip, our Pups.  They are my whole world now.  I don't have a child any longer.  I really miss my son.

I see him sometimes ... in others.  I freeze when I do.  I see other young men who look so much like Tommy.  I watch as long as I can, I catch myself smiling ... sometimes, I smile through tears.  I miss my son.

As I stand watching ... I am imagining Tommy walking, moving about ... talking.  I pretend for a few moments Tommy is really here.  Of course, he isn't.  I know that.  I can't help but, let myself see Tommy when someone looks like him.  Emotion tugs at my very Heart.

I know he's gone ... he can't come back.  I can't change a thing ... I've coped with it all in a positive way.  I don't cry anymore like I did.  I don't stay depressed, in a state of grief as I once did.  I can smile thinking of Tommy ... now.

I do miss him ... I will always miss my son.  I miss his big, sunshine smile ... his eyes full of laughter ... his soft laugh.  I wouldn't mind ever again him messing up my hair no matter how nice it was fixed.

I miss how we all joked, get so tickled we couldn't stop laughing.  I felt honored when Tommy would laugh, really laugh at something I would say.  I am the same way about Skip.  To make Tommy laugh at something, not be able to stop laughing was wonderful.  He would make his mama laugh the same way.

I miss the one word he always said in a special way.  I really wish I could hear Tommy say it again.  That word always touched my very Heart.  He could say it in ways ... depending on the situation ... that was funny, heart-touching.  It was always special.

That word was ... Mama.  Sometimes, when he was being funny, he would call me ... Mother.  It was wonderful to have someone call me such a special name.  It was an honor to be a ... Mama.  I truly loved my son, my only child.

There's no one in this world left to call me Mama, now.  Though I've coped with his death ... I still find it hard to believe he's gone.

Note by this Author:

Written, owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  Photo owned by me, also.

Today seems to be a day of looking in a mirror ... refections of life gone by.  The emotion is ... bittersweet.

1 comment:

  1. I so wish I could bring Tommy back for you. Anyone that knew you, they knew you loved Tommy not only with all your heart but with all your being! You were a great mother to him. You are right!!! He could make one laugh and have a very hard time stop laughing. He was a wonderful person----one you can be proud of! Love, Ms. Nancy