By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@geegranny on Twitter
Rain ... something so wonderful, needed, prayed for. I wish it would rain while the sun shines. I love happy colors, bright lights.
I love rain but, it makes me feel sad ... when I'm alone. I'm happiest when with Skip, my husband, on a rainy day. I'm saddest on a rainy day when I'm alone with my thoughts.
These are the times when thoughts of my Son haunt me ... I feel a sensation in the pit of my stomach that's akin to ... fear. I feel sort of ... panicky. Of course ... now ... I'm going to be fine. But, it doesn't stop grief from trying to overwhelm me from time to time. It's always there ... just beneath the surface.
I wish the sun would shine when it rains. You see ... grief never goes away ... it's always there. For a mother ... it's a never-ending battle until the day ... she dies. For me ... happy colors, light keep the darkness away. I'm afraid of the darkness ... I'm afraid of the sad thoughts that make me cry. I don't want to cry.
Tommy died 5 years ago ... May 29, 2010. I've found an even keel now ... where I can live with my grief ... the loss of my only child. I never knew that would be possible and if I hadn't struggled, fought to get to this point ... needless to say ... I would have died, also.
I wouldn't have known the difference at one time ... I was the walking dead. I wasn't any good to anyone, anything ... and I was trapped in ... myself. I couldn't get away from my thoughts.
I had to live with ... me. My thoughts were my enemy. I was my own enemy. I couldn't just walk away, leave ... myself. The knowledge of my son dying was bigger than I ... I was forced to live with that knowledge. Either live ... or die ... I had to face reality, cope with that knowledge or simply ... lay down ... die.
If you've never lost a child ... there's no way you can understand this. I try to put it into words to make you feel, see as much as you can ... without you losing your child. I don't want you to lose your child. It makes me happy when I see you out here ... with your family. You never know it ... I never fail to say a prayer to keep you, your family safe. You don't need to know it.
One way or the other ... I had to help myself get strong. Writing saved my life. Skip saved my life. Our Pups saved my life. My online friends, followers, readers saved my life. All I mentioned here ... is ... my whole life. I treasure all. They are ... all ... I have in this big, old world.
I had to grieve also, for the loss of my grandson, a beautiful little boy who looked, acted, talked just like his daddy. His mother's life didn't include Tommy's family ... I can't hold that against her. I just can't. Nor can I hold it against my granddaughter's mother. Life is life ... if you are going to live ... you are going to have to accept things whether you want to or not.
I don't fight things I can't change ... nor am I going to be remembered as some old, ugly bitch always creating a scene. I grew up in it, watching it ... living it. I won't even describe the effects it had on me as a child. You wouldn't believe the ugliness I saw as grandmothers became spiteful, vengeful ... the awful things they did. I won't become that ... ever.
I wish the sun would shine while it rains. It's so gray, gloomy ... it's hard for me to take my eyes away from the lighted screen on my computer. I don't want to see the darkness of the day. I wish the sun would shine while it rains. I can feel grief trying to creep up on me ... to make me cry tears. If I did, I would become the rain ... drops flowing everywhere.
Grief ... that one little word holds so much pain. G r i e f ... it hurts so bad.
I sit here with my head down ... looking at my fingers on the keyboard ... in my peripheal vision ... darkness is around me. I don't want to look outside ... to see the rain. I don't know whether to cry or ... I'm not going to cry, it takes too long to pull myself together. I can't cry on the outside for anyone to see. I can't bring my sadness into the world to make others sad. Life is hard enough.
I can come here to write my grief as I promised you several years ago ... to let you see when it happens to me. I will tell you how it feels. I promised you I would never sugar-coat what grief feels like. I will always keep that promise.
Remember I told you ... you can slip in here like going into a quiet library to read ... when you are done ... you can slip back out. You can see, feel grief without having to experience it. Who knows, maybe my grief, sadness could somehow help you in your life. I won't ever know unless you tell me. The good thing here is that ... you never have to say a word ... you can read, go.
I'm so happy when I'm out and about ... listening for sounds of laughter, happiness. I love to hear the sounds of ... family. It's the most beautiful sound in the world. I hope you don't mind if I sit close by, close my eyes ... listen, feel your happiness. It's like sunshine on a rainy day. Oh God, it's raining outside ... I wish the sun would shine when it rains.
Note by this Author:
Well ... it was bound to happen ... the holidays are here once again. Next week is Christmas ... another family holiday when children come home to visit parents ... families become whole.
I don't have a child to come home anymore. I've finally accepted that through the past five years. It still really hurts me ... I still grieve ... the good thing is that now ... I can live with my grief.
Though I am a positive person ... accepted my son has died ... and all those 'good things' ... I still hurt deeply. Especially around such times as when his birthday comes ... holidays.
No anger, bitterness, hate ... ugliness has ever been in my thoughts. I am not like that. I love, care ... too much to let such dominate my life.
I know that no matter what ... everything will be alright. One never loses hope. Even when things are wrong ... they are right ... in the long run we always see the whys ... and understand.
I just let myself look outside ... the branches emptied of bright, colorful leaves ... dark against the gray sky. My mood matches the day ... gloomy, sad ... I could cry but, I won't ... oh God, I wish the sun would shine when it rains.
Photos, true story both owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.